hey all, i'm new to the boards, seems like a good place for help in my situation!
so firstly the story. i met my now ex-fiancee about two years ago on the net, we met up and i stayed for a bit logner than i should have. we both practically fell in love after the first day together, and it was only a month before i moved in with her. the first year we were together, everything was fine: we both got on really well, the partenership seemed like it couldn't be broken: but then last summer, we both had a massive argument. so big, that i decided to leave her: i moved away from her for a few weeks, only to have lust for her after being a few weeks apart!
i asked her if we could start again from scratch. she accepted, and i moved back in with her. during the past year she had issues with paranoia and trust, which was justified considering i had made a lot of mistakes: not cheating mind you, just acting a bit selfish. just under 3 months ago, i made the move to split up, as i was missing my friends, my home town, and i wasn't happy living with her because she wasn't the person i fell in love with. she'd changed into someone else, which was both of our faults really.
for the first month, spite prevailed. both of us got on each others backs, demanding this that and the other. it finished in a big argument, and left it. about 3 weeks later, we spoke to each other again on MSN, and we made up, said that we should be friends, but leave it until we get over each other. Now here's where the real problems start, for me at least!
because we are both avid gamers, we used to share the same online community. when i got back on the net about a month after we split, she left the community and i got back on it. saturday just gone, she contacted me once more to ask if she could join the community again, and whether i was over her or not. i felt great, life was really starting to look up, so i immediately though i was! i asked her if she was seeing someone (probably the first bad move), and she had slept with someone who i used to know, and absolutely hated: then she said she slept with 2 other guys, just as flings like. she proceeds to tell me how happy she is without me, how she feels free from the fear that the paranoia gave her, how she had lost weight, got on the sunbeds, took pride in her appearance once more, had loads of offers for sex, and to top it all off, said that she was completely over me.
and so i hit rock bottom. evidently i wasn't over her, and her unintentional directness shot like a spear through the heart. i basically burst out crying, and told her i can't talk to her anymore, i needed more time to heal you know? so i asked her for 2 more weeks before she comes back on the community forums, and to not post up anything about how she is feeling (which will invetably be "i've never felt better"), or how she's progressing with life until i have moved on too.
but meanwhile, i have a dilemma. every time i think of her i feel physically sick and nausious. last night i was sick in the toilet for a good 10 minutes because a thought popped into my head of her shagging another bloke. i think i'm still in love with her, because she's the woman who i fell in love with, rather than the woman i left? but it's wasted love if it is, as i can't / won't go back, i don't want to go back to live with her, and i want to move on.
so my question is this: why am i feeling sick everytime i think of her? and what can i do to stop this horrible feeling? i've just started work again, and i really don't want it to affect it. Since i've broken up with her, i've been out a lot, even went out saturday after she gave the final blow: i just can't afford to go out anymore than twice a week!
has anyone got any advice they can give me? could really do with some good help right about now!