!!!HELP!!! (long)

Backround Info:

I've been with this girl (Clori) for 1 yr 7 months and we've broken up several times around 4, last time she was the one to dump me and it affected me really bad. We are back together and its been 6 months since our last break up. We are both 17 yrs old.

Lately I've been having issues with her, insecurities, jealousy etc

This is an email I sent to my school counseller who is helping me at the moment. In the beggining it talks about a counselling session I had with Clori and Me and the counseller. The email sums up most of it.

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Hi its Mark...

I just want to give you a heads up on what's happened to save time for when I see you.

On Friday I came out of the counselling session with Clori feeling like my mind was filled with thoughts which made me stressed which put me a in mood for a while. I told Clori that I wasn't feeling too great and that I would come up with an answer about hanging out with her later on (since she was going to a restaurant with friends and was coming back to school in a hr). About one hr later I came up to Clori and told her that I didn't feel like seeing her today because I just had too much on my mind and that I wouldn't be very enjoyable to be with, we talked further and came to the conclusion that we needed a break, we were on a good terms and that she said she would be waiting for me when I'm better.

Her plans were to have a friend over for dinner, then on Saturday go shopping with a friend and then go out Saturday night clubbing. I also was planning to go clubbing on Saturday night with some friends to the same place. We didn't call or text each other for ages, I was struggling to not contact her and talk about us. I took the break because I needed to sort out what was going on in my head and separate all the thoughts.

I went with a friend back to his place and hung out, talked a little bit about my problems. I came to the conclusion that I would be able to deal with Michael and Clori being friends and that I don't have any reason not to trust Clori. Getting to the end of Friday, I was feeling ok ish, still had Clori on my mind and was wondering what she was up to and didn't end up talking to her the rest of the day until she called me when she was about to go to bed and asked about clubbing on Saturday night to see if I was going and I said "Yeah I think I am", she replied ok and asked how I was etc and said goodnight. I later found out that she told a friend that she didn't want to feel awkward with us a on a break and being at the same club together, I knew and she knew that if we both went that one of us wouldn't have a good time. I decided on Saturday not to go... I went to bed with some stuff on my mind on how to go about this, should I call her at all? should I text her at all? Is she feeling the way I am? I missed her like crazy, maybe only because I'm so used to talking to her a lot everyday or maybe because I really did miss her... I don't know.

I woke up on Saturday feeling crap the instant thought that came to my head was " Oh crap I've got issues with Clori", I went to army at 7am and came home about 12pm, I still hadn't called or texted Clori still wondering if I should have or not, still wondering if she missed me and if she felt how I did. I made plans to go see a friend (Jay) and I would go to his place and figure what to do from there... I called a taxi and left to the BTS train station, when I arrived I received a text message from Clori asking "Heya wat u doing tonight?" I told her that I didn't quite know yet and that I was still deciding, she told me she was sick and feeling sad because she couldn't go out anymore. I told her that I was worried, and that I would be able to see her only because she was really sick fever etc, and that today would just be an exception. I was dying to see her, I couldn't wait... I never did make official plans with Jay because he wasn't clear whether he wanted me to come over or not. So I left to Clori's house feeling happy that I would be able to see her, I wanted to know how she felt about everything I couldn't help myself. I saw her and we did end up kissing a little bit even though she was sick and had a great time just hanging out with each other. We didn't talk about what we felt apart from when we kissed she said and I knew that we were on a break and this isn't quite right and that we would just make an exception for today and start the break again on Sunday.

We had fun being in each others company and we got intimate, cuddling etc nothing sexual happened and I didn't want anything to happen. By the end of the day we were feeling pretty good, and I tried to imagine what the next couple days would be like... I tried to plan what I was going to do, which was to keep contact to a minimum, in order for me to get used to what its like without Clori and for her to miss me a little bit hopefully, be friendly... hang out with friends, see you to talk about my issues and by the end of the week I would be feeling pretty good and would be ready to be back with Clori again and better.

However this changed later on. After watching a movie we both went to Clori's bed and lay down next to each other and started talking, this lead to how she wanted things to be and how she felt. She felt that me being emotional and stressed drove her a little bit away from me and that is why she wanted to be with friends this weekend and which is why she was with them a lot. She felt anxiety on Friday because she was stressing out a bit about me and she didn't like it, she enjoyed just being with friends for a little bit and that she was looking forward to going out on Saturday although by the end of Saturday with me she said she would have rather have done this than go out. Then she started explaining how she wanted things to be:

She wants to build our relationship up again because she thought we needed to have a spark again and want to be with each other because it wasn't just routine. We are on a sort of break up but we know we have and love each other. But she was being incredibly honest and started bringing up possibilities of what could happen like she could not want me by the end of this and it could happen with me and that other guys could crop up in her life. She started talking about the future and how we might last, we might not. We would have to date and experience other people in order to have a really good relationship in the future. She talked about how if we broke up she would never have a serious relationship like us in the next 2 years and that she would just go around having fun (making out with other guys at clubs or something) this made my stomach turn to ribbons at the thought of it but I didn't show it. How can she be talking like this? Its like she's prepared for us broken up already like she knows its going to happen

In the next couple of weeks she wants us to be with friends and do whatever just not go make out with some other girl or guy, just pretend we are broken up but we know we love and have each other and that nobody will know. She wants us to flirt and have no intimacy and just build up from the start with flirting then hanging out again etc. She wants us to make calls because we want to and have a really good conversation not because its routine and we do it not just cause we have done it every other day. She gave me permission to flirt because she wants me to get my confidence back up and that I have nothing to worry about with her. I agreed with most of it but some of it just made me feel really bad, on how she would do all this other stuff with other guys if we broke up etc. She didn't want to make any promises because anything could happen in the next couple of weeks and that she didn't want to break any promises. She wants us to flirt again when we see each other in classes. She wants to be with her friends at break or lunch and for me to do the same. I had absolutely no say in what was to happen... But that's ok. Ultimately in the end she wants us back together and happy. But she's not making any promises on the outcome and that she is ready for any possibilities...She's ready...I'm not...

I left to go home with a whole new load of thoughts on my mind.

Current terms:

We are pretending that we are not together but we know we have each other and love each other.

So basically she wants:

Us to be together in the end and happy (but she's ready for any other possibilities like breaking up)

To make calls to each other if we don't have to think about it (same for text messaging)

To flirt and build up our relationship again

My confidence to be back to normal (I can flirt with other girls if I want to)

Me to be ok when I see her with any other guy because I know that I have her and that she loves me (the trust)

Me not be emotional because its not attractive and it stresses her out

Duration:

1-3 weeks

Most of this is exactly what she said to me when we broke up last time. She wants me to be the guy she fell in love with. I can do this... But I will be struggling with worries because she brought up all this stuff about other guys.

My plan so far is have NO CONTACT at all and just wait till she calls me and texts me, play hard to get. I will be with friends, also I'll flirt with Clori when I'm with her or see her. I'll also flirt around with other girls since Clori gave me permission to get my confidence back up. This will change over the next few weeks if Clori and I start to get better.

What should I do? Is there anything else I could be doing?

Thank you so much for putting your time and effort into this... I appreciate it a lot.

MMD

Hey mmd-

Four break-ups in a year and 7 months? Dude, something is wrong with that and there is something wrong with getting back together all those times too. There is/are an underlying reason/reasons for each of these break-ups that probably hasn't/haven't been addressed.

And you are "pretending not to be together"? Pretending? And she wants you to be the guy she feel in love with? Huh? And you are considering playing "hard to get"?

Bro, lace up your Forrest-Gump-issue running shoes and start running. This situation is in no way, shape, or form anywhere close to being healthy.

You see, it is even all the more important to flush this from your system because you are in and are approaching moreso developmental years in your life. You don't want this to be burned into your psyche as "how it ought to work".

Keep working with your counselor alone and disa-feaking-pear from this woman's life. It isn't anyone's fault, it just isn't meant to be for you guys...

Do this dude, seriously, you don't want to end up a bitter, crotchety, detached old man like me...there's still a lot of time for you to find fulfillment and happiness in a relationship...lots of time...

I love her a lot and she loves me... We honestly cannot be separated. In those times we broke up it was foolish and for stupid reasons but it has helped our relationship get better until now...

Im treating this as a breakup, even though I know she loves me. So Im just initiating no contact.

I know what you mean... friscodj the relationship sounds really messed up. But im not going down without a fight.

I am just going through some issues that I need to sort out... My own insecurities.

You went down repeatedly. Listen to Frisco. He has the advice right. You came here looking for advice. It's not always what you want to hear... but, in this case, it's spot on.

But im not going down without a fight.

Oh man, you sound like me bro... I know about chasing and fighting dude, the story of my life...

It's good you want to fight for things, but is this something to fight for? What exactly are you fighting for?

Look, your friends, reading books, browsing Internet forums won't give you life experience, you have to get that on your own. We've been there, we've done that, and we can offer advice, but ultimately you're going to have to walk your path through life...

With that said, live your life man. Go through what we've all gone through so some day, you can share this gained wisdom and insight with someone else.

Just try really hard to do 3 things for us: do not marry this chick, do not get her pregnant, and continue to work with your counselor on your issues!

Ok if I want to keep the relationship going 1 last time what do I do or say?

If it fails again then im out... Im willing just to give one more chance...

Ok if I want to keep the relationship going 1 last time what do I do or say?

If it fails again then im out... Im willing just to give one more chance...

If you are at the point where you say there's "one more chance"...it's already long gone...