Working on a solution

This is the first time that I have ever posted to a site but I need to talk to someone before I burst. My life for the past 3 years has been one long battle. This may get a bit long because 3 years is a long time to keep things in. It may actually have been longer. My major problem is that somewhere along the way I have become indifferent to my husband. When we first met 18 years ago, our sex lives were great, we had a lot of the same interests, and enjoyed doing things with each other. The problem is when you have children, jobs, friends, and family that want your attention, too.

I think the majority of our problems started when we moved. My husband tends to always look back. He is a bit of a pessimist. He took a pay cut so I started working and it has always bothered him that he feels he cannot provide for our family. I went back to school to become a nurse and ended up spending long hours studying at night, trying to take care of our children during the day, attending class, trying to keep working, and having some kind of life. On more than one occasion he asked me if I was having an affair. Eventually we both screwed up. Trying to revive our marriage I had sex with a man while he watched. And he slept with one of my friends because I had no time for him. We attended counseling but neither one of us liked the counselor and he was very expensive. We have started going to a new church and both of us have been working on our relationship with God.

The problem is my husband thinks everything can be fixed overnight and things can be the way they used to be. But it seems like life just keeps getting involved to test us. Everytime I think we will have time to work on things something happens. We both work long hours and shift work. I finished school and problems started with our children in school, so we decided to homeschool. I started figuring that out and my mother was diagnosed with a brain tumor. She lives 10 hours away and I try to visit her once a month.

After reading many of the other stories out there, I don't feel so alone anymore. I can relate to many of them. My husband brings up our sexual relationship with friends and complains to them how bad it is. He even confessed to one of our friends that he takes Viagra. It probably is no big deal but to me it was a violation of our intimacy, which I had just asked him to consider before he blurted things out. He makes me feel guilty for spending time with my mother. He loves her too and he realizes what he has done afterwards but it still hurts.

The biggest thing is lately he has started blogging. He didn't tell me about it but our children told me that he is talking to people all over the world. When I asked him all he said was "So." My children also told me he has people calling him. He tells our children not to give out personal information but he does. This probably wouldn't be a problem but after he had an affair there is an issue of trust and one of the people that he talks to the most is a woman. I came home from work the other night, he was talking to her online, and got off the computer as soon as I came home. He told me he talks to her about our problems and she tells him hers. I know I am sounding hypocritical right now but I don't expect to talk to any of you anywhere but here and you don't live in the town I work in. If we were home together at night we always went to bed together even though we are having problems. Now he stays up on the computer half of the night and sleeps during the day when he could spend time with me.

I guess I just want to know if anyone has any suggestions to help me.

Hi there and welcome,

The issues with you and your husband seems to be going downwards. You mention that he is spending more and more time on the computer talking to people online, discussing your problems. To me that sends off sirens. I would be very wary of him on the computer. It is so easy for partners to get involved with other people sexually on the net. I'm not saying that this is the case for all couples but in your marriage you diffinately have lost the trust. Plus the amount of time he spends on the computer should be of concern too.

I would seriously advise you both to go back to counceling. Most people take 3 or 4 goes at finding the right councelor for them. Once you do find the right one you will be amazed at how much they can help you.

In the end it takes two to break down a relationship and it takes 2 to build one back up. You both need to be willing to find support together all else you might be fighting a losing battle.

Best of luck

hi nursepatty... your story could be mine with a few details changed around. i just found this webiste today, so i also am happy at least to see that i'm not alone, either.

great advice, moore. i know counselling is tough (and expensive), but it does force you two to talk to each other instead of other people. i dragged my husband there, and it worked to get us to turn into the marriage instead of outside.

however, if you don't keep working at it, things go awry again... i'm in that situation right now. i need to figure out what i want and what makes me do the things that i do. we're in a place of just living our own separate lives, but being civil for the kid's sake. we go anywhere from a good state (talking, having sex) to complete avoidance (sleeping on the couch, not talking to each other). but, most of our time is spent in the middle... distant and just leaving each other alone.

the internet stuff is dangerous... i've been the one guilty of making 'friends' with people from websites that i shouldn't even know. it's all been online, but i can see where some pretty powerful relationships form. everyone looks and sounds so good when all you get is what they put out there on the screen!!! it's easy to feel lonely and misunderstood, and to turn to strangers because they don't know all the bad things you do, just the other side of the coin and how you are a vicitim of a bad marriage.

i hope things can get better for you.