Do you ever just.. crash?

i've been having somewhat of a stressful week.. meaning more stressful than usual. i can sometimes take somebody calling me the wrong gender, or just.. -assuming- i'm straight.. or both the wrong gender and gay, making it wrong all over again.. i hate it when i finally find the perfect binding, or.. it works, anyways. most of the time. pinches a bit by my arms, but hey. as long as it looks alright, right? i'm walking around with this binding.. proper clothes.. i look in the mirror.. regular teenaged boy. normal. happy. then that old geezer comes into the store i work at.. "OH!! IT'S MY GREEN HAIRED LADY!!" as i just sort of.. *twitch* "I'm.. NOT a LADY... and I'm most definitely NOT YOURS.." but he doesn't get it. no. because he's an old geezer from the mental hospital. nevermind he understands everything else. >

then i started grade 12 this year. oo joy. everyone else finds it a bit stressful, but for me? oh.. it's definitely double.

homework.. no problem. i can work a little more. studying? probably should start. stop falling asleep in school.. sleep at home. 6 hours won't cut it. make my own lunches.. because i don't have the money to buy them, despite having a job. no weekends, because i have a job. normal teenager, right? oh.. but it gets better. i can't go to the proper washrooms, because.. all these people around me know me. they see me as a girl. no idea why, they just.. do. i don't dress like a girl.. i don't -act- like a girl.. why.. if i were a girl, i think i'd like to make the effort to look pretty! i can't stand it when girls are like "don't call me a girl.. but i'm not a boy. i just don't like being a girly-girl. they're dummies. i have a brain." that has -NOTHING- to do with your gender. that's your BRAIN.. smart women can still wear sexy skirts and shiny pumps. professional women that make a good living all on their own.. can still wear a push up bra and put up their hair. wear makeup. it's... not always necessary, but come on. if you -can- make yourself look attractive, why not do it? instead of dressing like a tomboy (or a lesbian, as people seem to think they're all just tomboys, which is.. stupid.) then complaining you don't have a boyfriend.. suck it up. guys want sexy women as their girlfriends. not a .. liberated female that pretends she's a guy with boobs. that's... not.. attractive. if i were a woman, i'd go all out. i'd look like a fashion plate every day, because.. i could. but no.. because of all these men with boobs, they think "oh. there goes a lesbian, or a tomboy. man is she ever ugly. she looks like a guy." um... YEAH. BECAUSE I -AM- A GUY. "no offense, but you.. look 'mannish'" .. oh. well -thanks- somebody finally noticed i'm not binding because it's FUN.

but anyways. back on track.

i've already gone to the hospital before because i couldn't go into the proper washroom.. and had absolutely no wish to wait in line with a bunch of stupid men with boobs that have nothing better to do than to stand around in a washroom and talk. it's like.. the meeting place. the.. gross, stinky meeting place.. where you can listen to your girlfriends tinkle and giggle because it's so gross... no. i'm not going back there. you can't make me. so i use the proper washroom.. i.. have to sneak in there, and sneak out.. because if any biological guys see me, they'll beat the living daylights out of me. oo yes. i've always wanted to come home with a black eye and assorted cuts and bruises.

no, seriously.

and on top of washrooms.. i have this lovely little note that i can show anyone just in case any problems arise.. "please don't be mean to this tranny. treat him like any other guy so he doesn't CRACK LIKE A PEANUT UNDER PRESSURE. signed, evil doctor man." i didn't want all the wrong pronouns in class, right? because nothing irks me more than somebody talking about me and saying she, her, she, her, she, and hers all in the saaaame sentence. oo. i could eat. my. desk. and it'd taste good, too. way better than the wrong pronouns. i showed my teacher my special letter. and he goes "oh. thank you for your honesty." and yay. i have.. -one- person convinced. now for the other 700 or so in this little school..

many of which just won't listen when i tell them.

and that's just at school.

... if you haven't noticed by now, i'm.. ftm.

but after a whole day.. of all this, on top of my best friend who i love like a daughter (i'm messed up. lol) telling me that she cut herself. -AGAIN- ... and a little girl getting all up in my face over a teensy little kick in the pants to her brother.. who's my other best friend.. who i wouldn't actually kick unless i was getting paid for it.. and paid well. ok. on top of all that. i get all happy because yay, i get to go to the support group i've only gone to once.. to sit with people like me, who understand the pain, the agony, the maltreatment. the.. sheer humiliation. of being the runaway circus freak among audience members. only to find, when we get there.. an hour's drive, that i had to pay the gas for, when it's not even my car (understandable.) that.. it was on tuesday. not friday. so i sit there.. hitting my head against the window.. ready to just.. explode.. i say. "let's go shopping." because i'm a big old fag and i need stuff to make me happy. i go spend 45 bucks on lipstick, earrings and little pins. but this doesn't make me happy. i want that lady. i want to talk to her.. i want her to be my mom, or my aunt.. just.. talk to me. advise me. take me shopping.. or out for coffee or something. LOVE ME. .. obviously, my mom and aunts don't do this. i can't even hope for any sort of love from my uncles.. other than zak, who.. i adore, but doesn't seem to really be interested in spending much time with me sometimes.. stupid favoritism. i've never been the favorite. but besides that. i need.. her. because she understands what it's like to go nuts under the.. pressure. the pressure. even the word pressure causes pressure.

getting back to the question.. now that i've lost your attention and you've gone away.. c.r.a.c.k. see? under all this pressure, i become like.. a dam made out of eggshells. it's like *tap tap* boom. all gone. and i just go nuts. i cry, i dig my fingernails into my head and rock back and forth and wish i had something to hit, not just delicate things that i like in my room. and i can't hit the walls, because they're soft and not built nice, and i can't hurt the house because of cultural reasons which i won't delve into right now.. >

hafoo.

doesn't anyone else feel like this? don't closets feel the same way? i'm like.. locked. in the stupid closet.

and it's a soft plastic closet, so i can pretend i'm leaving it. i'm ready to leave it, i'm getting claustrophobic.. but no. i can't. they locked me in. and.. i want out. i want.. to leave... hafoo.

some people are so lucky all they have to do is step out.. they have their own keys.

my key is in the hands of the evil doctor man and his associates. who take their sweet time.. "what if what we're doing isn't the right choice..? what if years from now, you want to be a woman again (never was one, never will be.) and want kids and boobs and female parts again..?" i can't seem to convince them. i'm NOT a WOMAN. when i was little, even. i didn't want to grow up. i didn't want a gross sagging chest, i didn't want to get fat around the legs and chest and whatever. i didn't want to have babies. that's.. wrong to me. i thought i'd grow out of it.. it has to be a stage, after all i'm only 8, i can't just .. make this decision. i must be possessed. i must be depressed. i must be a witch or something. then after time and time.. it's like. no. i can't. >

too bad i don't have a recorder or something. i can't just.. record this and send it to the evil doctor man and be like "please.. PLEASE take this into consideration. i don't want to have to get sick again.. "

no more hospitals.. no more nurses that hate me. no more stupid diaperlike things that i shouldn't have to need.. no more stupid binding that hurts and doesn't convince anyone of anything.. i don't.. want it.

.. erm.

back to the q. ^^;;

Hi -gemincer-

I'm not sure, what it is you want to hear or if I have anything of use I can even tell you. I am sorry for what you are going through and it's a terrible thing for anyone to have to experience. People are so unaccepting of other whom are not so called "normal" and it's so freaking wrong.

Have you considered switching schools at all? Or any kind of medication or anything...

The world isn't out to get you, its just the immaturity of the young people around you. Life will get better, but you just need to hang in there.

If you want to vent at any time you can contact me through msn. My address is on my profile so feel free.

I wish you all the best, if you have anything else to add or say we are here to help.

I see you're canadian... *thumbs up*

Sweetheart, I don't know what to say. I understand that you've been under a lot of stress but I can't even begin to imagine how much or how it feels. I know how stressful school can be for any teen or a gay teen, but that doesn't involve being talked to using the wrong pronouns. You know you can always talk to me about it on MSN. I'm always there for you. From end of october you won't be so alone anymore and I assure you. Already now people people care and people love you, some love you more than anything else. Some one in sweden ever

And I'm Sure your mom Loves you, but she doesn't know how to handle it, she doesn't understand your situation and, to her, it is wrong. in time she will have to accept it. and I think she eventually will. She just needs time.

I wish I could do more for you. I love you, but I can't really do much from here. But I'm doing all I can.

Love you

I've tried switching schools..in grade 8 and 9. ..but there isn't any other high school i can go to. i'd have to switch towns or something.. and my parents aren't willing to move closer to the other one. i have cousins going to schools all over, so.. that kinda kills it, because they'd talk about me and tada.. it's all back again. hafoo.

and the evil doctor man won't give me medicine yet. i have to wait. mostly it's just appointments and stuff.. it's kinda stupid, they make me wait months and months, so that i can wait more months for it to kick in, when i.. just wanted at least my last year of high school to be somewhat normal.. oh well. high school is never normal. anyways. as for answers in short..no, and not yet.

well..... I know this for a fact........ Highschool ends, and along with it, all the drama. I stuck out my highschoool years with one focus and concern on my mind, getting to the point in my life where I could change myself to who I wanted to be, and have the career I wanted to have. Making friends didn't matter to me, but I had them....... didn't keep in touch after highschool though, and thats not a loss.

so.....even though you're having trouble now, the reason probably is b/c its going to make you stronger, and once you realize you can learn from these experiences, and not let them punch you down, you'll begin to step over them so to speak.

Gemincer, I know you are transgender and I was just wondering have you undergone hormone treatments yet? Do you have to be a certain age to start having hormone therapy or are you just beginning to live your life as a man?

As it is I think that when you officially start taking the hormones you will definitely begin to look more masculine and you'll have less of these unfortunate mishaps.

I don't think people are being rude...It is just not unusual to see a girl dressed in men's clothing. While you are emotionally and spiritually male you are still, for now, biologically female...So I am thinking it is an honest mistake to some. However, if they KNOW you are claiming yourself as male then they should respect you and change pro nouns.

Good luck!

He has not yet started treatment, however he does look masculine. If one looks at pictures of him. He really does. I don't think you need to be a special age to start but it's adviced not to be rushing it too much. Maybe at least 16 years old. All that requires is a statement from a specialist in this area. But He knows more about this than I do.

Just as a point of information.

There is no special age as such (at least not in Britain, but may be different on the other side of the pond). Its just that such hormone therapy goes so much against 'conventional medical wisdom' (that what is seen as a primarily psychological problem should be treated with means primarily aimed at the psycholgical problem) that doctors tend to wait until they are near enough absolutley sure that the disease is worse than the treatment and that the patient will not later regret it. The result being that in practice it isn't done in under 16s.

i have to go see that doctor guy tomorrow.. or. today, i guess. i hope he says something about an appointment. .. i really can't go on like this. everything else, the voice, my appearance, the pronouns.. it doesn't matter for now, i can deal with all that.. until it comes to me being sick.. in the middle of class, every.. month. i'm not supposed to do that. my grades suffer, and that's not fair. i get depressed, and i'm not a depressed-type person. hafoo..

but if he says no, i have to wait.. if he says i have to wait until the next appointment, which could be 6 months even from now.. until he makes up his mind to make an appointment with an endocrinologist. i'm going to have to do something.

nothing stupid, like suicide. i'm crazy, not stupid.

but if he says i have to wait for almost another year to start, i'm thinking of asking my uncle to get T from a doctor. i asked myself, and he said he could, - if i were a guy. i could have hit him right then and there. i mean.. can't he reword that enough to at least have consideration for his patients? anyways.. my uncle knows about me.. he might be willing to do that. maybe. and if he does.. just take that myself. carefully.. every two weeks, only a little bit.. and get regular tests at the hospital just in case. but i'm wondering if that's even a good idea. would that hinder the actual treatment..? i know it'd be alright physically for me. i'm careful enough and do enough research to perhaps play it by ear. has anyone heard of people doing that before? i know they have.. but i don't know.. any real end results. a webcomic isn't really enough. hafoo..

Hi,

I am not so arrogant to think that I have ANY idea what it is like to be in your shoes. I can, however, see how very fustrated you are and how you want to do whatever you can to move things forward.

However as someone with a little bit of knowledge in the general area, I honestly think that what you are suggesting is a VERY BAD IDEA. Hormones are both very powerful and very complicated, which is the reason why it needs to be an endocrinologist who gives you them and adjusts the doses. Hormone therapy for you would entail not only giving you testosterone but supressing your female hormones as well, too little as well as too much can be a bad thing. There is also another reason why it is a BAD IDEA, you are likely to get caught (you are not dealing with idiots), and then your doctors will then believe that they cannot trust you. If you think things are moving slowly now, just watch how slowly they move then.

I hope I have convinced you not to do it because I honestly think you would be making a VERY BIG MISTAKE.

My heart goes out to you! I am sure it is all very overwhelming to you. The sad thing is Rome wasn't built in a day and neither will the way the world looks at gltb. All we can do is take each day with a grain of salt and keep a few things in focus everyday. Remember you are not alone 1 out of 4 people is gltb and for everyday that passes where you are yourself there is someone way way way back in the closet watching you hoping you break through so that someday they will feel that much safer for them to take the same steps you are. As for high school get yourself a calendar put a smiley face on graduation day.. and start marking off the days that will begin the beginning of your future.. dont mark them off as "today sucked" mark them off as "hurray I am one day closer" Life is good!! Honest!!! As for the people surrounding you with negativity...well .. .. to be frank... to hell with them..they honestly are uneducated and its people like you and the pain you live that moves every gltb forward. Do yourself a favor instead of taking it and holding it and having it all build up with anger.. turn it around take it ..learn from it... take notes... so that when you are stonger you can help the next person just like you. Maybe this is your purpose in life. Maybe you are here to live to be strong because somewhere down the road you will need to be strong for someone else. Try looking on line for teen trans help..there are so many good organizations out there and if you don't have one locally.. then you are a smart kid... start one!

Good luck!!! I mean it from the bottom of my heart. Do yourself a favor, hold off taking any big steps until you are out of school and you are officially your own person. Remember the smiley face! Remember to find one good thing everyday, don't dwell on things you can not change, but do the best you can to change the things you can!

-gemincer-, You know I love you and You know I don't really like that you try self-treatment. I don't know what will happen whne/if people find out (in case you do have to resort to self-medication) about your attempts. Althoug it's not really a trust issue as much as it's a need issue, your need to be fulfilled, but in the documents is say that there should be a good relationship between patient and doctor.

After talking to you this morning I did some reaserch on self medication and I don't like the sideffects which includes blindness and even possible death. I don't want you to be blind, nor do I want you to die, ever. I want you to follow the doctors suggestion no matter what.

But heshould set the appointment. You've already gotten the diagnosis and you have the paper about going to the mens washroom. if he hans't made up his mind and your uncle helps you I want you to be careful, really careful and make sure it's the same thing that patients receive when they undergo hormone therapy.

I love you so much. I don't want you to get hurt or for this to make it all take longer.

Take care.

Yours forever, Carl.

ok.. i suppose i could hold off on trying to sneak the T from somebody for now.. being that.. my eyes are bad enough, i want to see as long as i live.. hafoo. and yeah.. if i waited this long, might as well just.. keep .. waiting. yeah. grr. oh well.

it -is- almost half a year already of being 17..

for now at least. i'll hold off for now. it's doubtful my uncle would help me anyways.. and i'm not sneaky enough to steal. .. i had a point. i did.

but what can i do in the meantime? if binding and keeping my hair shorter than i'd like -isn't enough,- then.. what else could i possibly be missing? .. suppose i'll continue later.

would they really slow it down if i started it myself..? is there any proof? any horror stories i should be aware of? .. besides stupid people taking entire bottles in the span of a week. i'm not stupid. i don't see any reason for them to slow things down and get mad if i started it myself. it'd be better than me going crazy and getting high and trying to do my own operations.. did i put that here already? i think i did.. maybe it was somewhere else.. i don't know. hafoo.. i just don't know what to do. i don't think i've ever said that so often in a short amount of time before. but.. i really don't. i'm lost. ..heheh.

how is this point of information helpful in anyway? (i just noticed it..)

"Just as a point of information.

There is no special age as such (at least not in Britain, but may be different on the other side of the pond). Its just that such hormone therapy goes so much against 'conventional medical wisdom' (that what is seen as a primarily psychological problem should be treated with means primarily aimed at the psycholgical problem) that doctors tend to wait until they are near enough absolutley sure that the disease is worse than the treatment and that the patient will not later regret it. The result being that in practice it isn't done in under 16s."

1- so i'm.. crazy, and my problem should be treated.. psychologically? because it's so much easier to change the way my brain works than to alter a couple places on my body. yeah.

2- what i have isn't a disease. it's a birth defect. i was -born like this- and it's a physical defect. i'm not supposed to have a female body.

3- under 16? i'm 17. this shouldn't be a problem.. -anywhere- ... they all use the same book for reference, and it says minimum age is 16. i -should- get it. but they're bums. so i don't.

My previous post (dated 09-13-2006, 10:03 PM) to which gemincer refers was in response to UT's post mentioning special ages (dated 09-12-2006, 08:28 PM). It was meant to be a short point of information for general readers in general, I did not intend it to be (nor think it would be) helpful to gemincer in particular.

1. I did not say gemincer was crazy, nor in anyway mean to imply it. Just that 'conventional medical wisdom' would hold his problem to be psychological rather than physical and would, in general, thereforeee prefer psychological rather than physical treatments. That said, the reason why medical/surgical treatment is used (albeit with great caution) is that it does in fact work even if it goes against 'conventional medical wisdom'.

2. I shall not get into an argument about what is or is not a disease, it is rarely helpful or informative.

3. Age is just one of many considerations taken into account.

I whole-heartedly apologise for any upset I may have unwittingly caused.

Um... Mr.Fred. Are you entirely sure that respons was to "UT"? I can't say that I've written anythin the could be replied with your entire post... However, you might be answering to the post just before your reply, please revise.

However, when it comes to the citerias for Gender Identity Disorders there are 5 different diagnoses provided by link removed

• Transexualism
  
• Dual-role Transvestism
  
• Gender Identity Disorder of Children
  
• Other Gender Identity Disorder
  
• Gender Identity Disorder, Unspecified

-gemincer- is transexual and transexualism has three criteria:

1. "The desire to live and be accepted as a member of the opposite sex, usually accompanied by the wish to have his or her body as congruent as opssible with the preferred sex through surgery and hormone treatment;
   
2. The transexual identity has been present persistently for at least two years;
   
3. The disorder is not a symptom of another mental disorder or a chromosomal abnormality."

-gemincer- is eligible for hormone treatment and it's possible to start treatmen as early as 16, as -gemincer- said, but preferable with parents consent. The reason for it being 16 is because in many countries you're legally an adult at that age.

UT

I have amended my previous post as UT requested. I have added the dates of my post and the post by UT to which I was replying. I hope this clarifies things.

It does to an extent. but we're straying off topic in a way. I'm sorry about he confusion.

ok.. i was going to sneak it.. after lots of thinking.. but mickey said no. they won't like that. and it wouldn't help.. and i'm already almost 18, just 9 months to go.

.. 9 months of absolute and utter pain.

i can't wait anymore.. it's easy for girls (i know they all hate me now) to deal with "that time of the month" but for me it's so much different. i can't just be myself, it's like.. bah. i have nothing to compare it to. it's horrible. i want to die.. but only because it means i won't have to feel the hurting anymore.. sounds like i'm emo. but the pain isn't emotional and fake. it's.. real. and i can't just think myself better. (i so wish i could though. i'm good at thinking.) i can't concentrate in school, i can't move around freely.. even binding is torture along with it.

i hate that women laugh at me.. or tell me to suck it up, they deal with it too.. or that i'm making a "mountain out of a molehill" .. they don't know what it's like for me. they know what it's like to have to deal with it, they don't know the stress and the psychological torment and the excess pain on top.. they couldn't even imagine. hardly anybody really can..

isn't there some way i could stop it? i've read starving works, but.. i can't bring myself to do that..

i'm not good at starving. i always eat, then go "oops.."

any other ways i could make it stop..?