A bad night's sleep

I had weird dreams that I can't quite recall, and I kept jerking.

I never did the whole jerking thing prior to the rape.

I don't know, I never know when the jerking will come, and I jerk really hard too.

It scares me awake sometimes.

I don't know, do you think I'm trying to shake something off? I mean, in my mind?

It's my fault, I misplaced a whole bottle of sleeping pills.

Can anybody help? Has anyone experienced similar things?

Did it go away on this own?

Why do I care so much?

Where is all of this frustration coming from?

Why am I so concerned about his next victim?

I'm driving myself crazy right now thinking about.....how to stop him.

I couldn't help myself you know.

I want people to be warned, I want him to go crazy because he has run out of victims.

What's wrong with me?

I don't know.

My therapist believes he'll eventually start killing his victims and that's how he'll be caught.

She is extremely confident that he'll be caught.

And so am I.

But then I think, how many more people will suffer before he's caught?

What about the girls who don't report the rape?

How do you move on guys?

I was supposed to turn in that report and feel free to move on with my life, but now for some reason I have all of these reservations.

I'm scared.

I don't understand why I can't let go.

I want to let go. I have to.

I feel like crying.

I want to scream.

Why can't someone stop him?!

But then I forget I guess, it's not my job. It's God's job. I just forget sometimes you know.

I try really hard to be the best person I can.

Sometimes I just forget.

Whew!

Thanks for listening guys. I know I have a lot of frustrations.

I just want relief, relief from these constant thoughts and feelings.

Why am I not better yet?

I mean, I've made improvements but...................

My head hurts and I feel like crying.

I'm so sad right now, and I HATE being sad.

I have a feeling I'll lay in bed all day.

I'm starting to feel like I used to.

You know something is wrong with you, you're in agony because you can't make it better, it won't go away. And you just sit there, feeling physically horrible. Feeling sick. All day, and nothing helps.

If I had my sleeping pills I bet that would help.

But I can't find them.

Being scared is a natural reflex of the body to prevent the body from a thing/event/person that causes pain. If you had to consider everyone as a possible rapist, or thinking your rapist will come out at every corner of the street you would never be able to live a normal life again.

And that's the thing what its all about, you being able to live a normal live again. You see there are two things in life, things you can control and things you can't controll in life. The good people suffer from the bad, and if your violated like that in a sexual manner you will have to accept that its something you'll carry with you forever, however you can't controll insane people in your life, or natural disasters or such. So its pointless to continuesly worry about it, or about that guy who did rape you. You see he doesn't think about you, he violated you and moved on. You however are damaged for the rest of your life. And you'll need to surround you with people who support you. Also you need to prevent from ever being able to be raped again, by ALWAYS travelling in groups. Never go out alone, also don't go to places or hang out with people where you have a hightened risk of getting into trouble.

Thanks for your response robowarrior!

I really appreciate it.

I guess I'm having a really difficult time making myself believe that I couldn't control the rape situation.

I used to always think that if someone tried to rape me I would fight to the death before they were successful.

And then I was drugged.......

I couldn't fight!

I think that just eats me up inside. I'm still trying to digest everything.

You're right, I do need to focus on being normal, on putting the whole thing behind as best as I can.

And I really like that you stressed the whole support from others thing. I think that's what I really need.

Because when people are supportive of me I feel better.

I feel like someone is there to care for me.

That someone is there to listen, and if anything bad happens to me. They'll be there.

I don't want to be raped again.

I don't see how it will happen if I'm not drugged.

But then what if someone over powers me?!

What if they rape me anyways?

What will I do? How will I survive.

What if someone comes along and ruins my life and every thing. What if they rape me and ruin my whole world and run away?

What will I do?!!!! I can't take that again!!!

I can't!

I can't go through that again!

Grace, Hugs to you!

What you are going through is a normal part of the healing process,

You are really worried about him raping other woman,

I felt the exact same way after my rape,

So I started researching this guy more,

Fortunately, I knew his full name, because I made him show my his drivers license the first day we met,

And I found many more women he had raped,

In addition to the ones who went to the police dept,

I found him on an online dating site,

And I reported to the admins there,

That this man is a rapist, and needs to be removed,

That's how he met many of his victims,

They couldn't do it based on my word alone,

So I had the police contact them,

I wouldn't let this guy to it to other woman,

I reported to the place where he claimed to work,

But really didn't, that he gave me fake business cards,

I slammed him in his tracks,

But I must be honest, I was terrified,

One day I went to work, and he was hiding in the hallway,

And I thought he is going to murder me,

I then had my bf drive me home everyday,

And I never went out alone,

Finally, with time, these feelings subsided,

I was able to go out but was very cautious,

I learned to listen to my gut instinct,

Telling me if danger was present,

I know it's tough Grace,

It's definitely not a cake walk,

But what I can tell you is that,

With time, these feelings will decrease,

You just need to battle them 1 step at a time,

And you are not alone on here (what a pun since the site is called enotalone),

Anyhow, I have been where you are,

And I can tell you it gets better,

I will be by your side every step of the way.

Hugs!

Rose

Thanks Rose2Summer!!!

It's so amazing that you were able to out him like that!

I'm glad you've been there.

It's nice to feel like I'm not the only one with those feelings.

I'm scared to find information about him on my own. I don't even know where to start.

I don't want to see his face again.

It's horrible that the rapist tracked you down like that!

Did it feel good to find his other victims?

Was it theraputic (spelling?) to talk to them? Or was it saddening?

That's amazing. How did you find them? How did you find those victims?

I know my rapist has other victims but I wouldn't have the slightest idea of how to find them.

I don't know, at this point I'm exhausted.

I think that maybe I should just try to let go.

I made the report, and although I hate for him to do it again, he will.

He has probably already raped who knows how many girls since he has raped me.

It's sad, very sad, tragic actually...but I have to fix myself.

Thanks for the continued support.

~Grace

Hey Grace,

It really depends on you if you want to research him,

It can go either way for you, hurt you or help you,

I did it because I was terrified he would come hurt me,

To stop me from reporting him, and I didn't want to end up dead in some ditch,

But you know what, I knew I needed to save other women from him,

And if it cost me fear or physical endangerment, so be it,

But for me I needed to do that, so they wouldn't have to go through what I did,

IF you decide to follow that path,

You can check:

link removed

To see if he is a registered sex offender first,

How did I find him?

I googled him first, then I found his online posting,

He put in his full name, so he was easy to catch,

Talking to the other woman was hard,

To say the least, but we compiled a list of characteristics,

Physical, what he tells people, his car, etc, and turned them into the site,

So other woman who read the profile before it was taken down,

Would be informed to watch for this man,

If letting go is good for you, please do that,

You really are much better off just healing now,

And putting this behind you,

Hugs my friend,

Rose