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Thread: Want your ex back? Then stopping chasing!

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Aug 2006

    Want your ex back? Then stopping chasing!

    Want your ex back? Then stop chasing them!

    From my own experience as a dumper it IS possible to reverse the decision of the dumper and even for the dumpee to regain the upper hand and even make the dumper chase the very person they dumped. How? Read on for a real life case study.

    I was the dumper. My g/f behaved in a way that really made me feel deeply offended. In actual fact I over reacted to the situation and made it far worse than it needed to have been. My g/f made various attempts to put things right. She did try to make up with me, I'll give her that. But, and here's the thing…..I GOT STUCK IN A MODE OF ANGER that was fuelled by her chasing me.

    Although I did feel deeply for my g/f, I think her attempts to win me back gave me a false sense of security and in a way I kind of enjoyed having her chase me to win me back. I thought she will always be there. She will always want me. I will make her wait. Make her work to get me back. I became so consumed with my feelings of anger that I actually liked the feeling. I liked the feelings of having my g/f chase me and I enjoyed the knowledge that I was hurting her because she hurt me. I wanted to make her pay for the pain she caused me. THE MORE SHE CHASED ME THE MORE I WANTED HER TO WORK HARDER TO GET ME BACK AND THE MORE SHE CHASED ME THE LESS INCLINED I WAS TO WANT HER BACK.

    I felt in control of her and the situation and I loved it. I was king of the hill. I was the man. I actually began to not want her back. Her chasing me filled me with such a sense of power and made me think I was highly desirable that I could do better than her. My girlfriend's attempts to win me back made me see her as weak and in need of me. However, at the time although I was thinking these things I was thinking them at a subconscious level. By chasing me my g/f gave me a false sense of security that everything will be OK when I want it to be. I will be able to return to her if and when I want to. I was so self assured because of my ex chasing me that I actually joined an internet dating site. I started chatting to women and enjoyed it. I even had my eyes on one particular woman on the site and was making a play for her.


    My g/f suddenly stopped chasing me. She sent a final text message saying she would never contact me again. I waited but she didn't get back in touch. After several weeks of not hearing from her it began to sink in that my g/f had actually stopped wanting me. The feelings of worth and being desirable started to diminish. I started to think more and more about her. Started to miss the attention. Then over a further period of weeks I started to miss her and reflect on what a great person she was and how much I had enjoyed the relationship with her.

    I believed in my mind that she was probably sitting at home missing me and wishing that she was still with me. So, I sent her a text message one night. She did respond but it took her half an hour to do so. Her response was a negative one. She basically said that I had chose to walk out of her life and she respected that decision and wished me well.

    WOW! That blew me away. She was no longer chasing me. She had given up on me. I sent her another text asking if she missed me. She replied back, 'Yes, but I no longer want to be in a relationship with you'.

    From that moment on all my feelings changed instantly. I felt the blood run down into my legs. I had been rejected! She was no longer there for me. No longer wanted to be with me. I immediately became desperate. I phoned her at home. She sounded different. She sounded hard and cold towards me. She said she would not see me again and that it was over between us.

    From that moment onwards I was devastated. My whole world came crashing down on me. I realised that I had made the biggest mistake of my life. I suddenly realised that I actually loved this woman and didn't realise that until I had lost her. I made several other attempts at reconciling with her but to no avail. I guess I gave her the same feelings of power that she gave to me. She was now queen of the hill. Or, I hurt her so much by rejecting her and made her work too hard at getting me back that her view of me changed and she no longer considered me to be a good man.

    In the end the dumper became the dumpee. The impact of losing her has had profound effects on me. That was 7 months ago. I am still on anti-depressants, still don't sleep properly, still don't eat properly and still cry at least once a day.

    Was I a stupid man? Oh yes. Was I so full of myself? Absolutely. Why? Because my g/f was chasing me and that gave me a sense of security that propelled me to behave in the way I did towards her.

    So, the advice about not chasing your ex is SO TRUE. It can be counter productive and actually push them away or make them behave in a way that is not how they really feel but they become confused themselves. By chasing them you may be giving them a false sense of security that leads them to behave in a similar way to the way I behaved.

    If you want to improve your chances of getting your ex back then make an attempt once to work things out. After you have been dumped have ONE adult conversation with them and ask if things can be resolved. If they say no then tell them you respect their decision and wish them well. This sentence alone may have the desired effect and have them regretting their decision within days or weeks.

    By having no further contact with your dumper you will be sending out a message to them that they are not THAT important to you and this may drain them of their confidence and this may in turn get them to realise how nice you made them feel about themselves when you were both together.

    If like me, your ex was caught in a mode of anger or caught up in their own feelings of self-worth , by chasing them you may be reinforcing their need to remain angry at you etc. take away the fuel (you chasing them) and the fire of anger or over inflated feeling of worth they have will be dampened and they may start to see things differently.

    If your ex does contact you again but their message isn't clearly stating that they want to get back with you then remind them that they chose to end the relationship and you respect their decision and wish to get on with your life and ask them not to contact you again. If your ex subconsciously wants to be with you but has become confused or caught in a mode of thought, then this statement alone may well break that mode of thought they are caught in and make them see reality…..THAT THEY HAVE LOST YOU. This is a very powerful awakening for them.

    Think of it this way. If your ex doesn't want to be with you (hence the reason for dumping you) then making this statement wont make any difference to them, i.e. they wont change their mind, but at least you will know that in a way you kind of dumped them back and did it in an adult manner. However, if your ex subconsciously or even consciously wants to be back with you but for whatever reason was holding back then making this statement may well 'jolt' them into a more realistic frame of mind and cause them to go into panic mode and do the very thing you want them to do, i.e. ask to get back with you.


  2. #2
    007's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2006
    This is pure genius, and I honestly and truthfully agree with EVERYTHING said here. I only wish that I did what the EXACT thing that you are saying here.

    Unfortunately, like all too many of us, I chased, and they simply replaced.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Nov 2004
    I had a similar experience and I couldn't agree more!

  4. #4
    Platinum Member rose2summer's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2006
    100% true kohnny. My ex wants me more than ever that I stopped contact and now I don't want him. Funny how the tables turn.

  5. #5
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    May 2004
    Hmm...interesting post. I have heard different kinds of advice though. For example, I have heard that if you want to reconcile it is best to be agreeable and cheerful if/when your ex contacts you (as opposed to cold) and to make them feel like they are free to do whatever they want to do, including contact you (of course, that doesn't mean you have to answer right away). I think not declaring NC but simply doing it and making one's self less available and more confident can also have a similar effect.

  6. #6
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2006
    Hey. Insightful and good post overall.

    Just wanted to comment on one thing:
    Was I a stupid man? Oh yes. Was I so full of myself? Absolutely. Why? Because my g/f was chasing me and that gave me a sense of security that propelled me to behave in the way I did towards her.
    I think, with some time and further healing, even all this will become void.
    What I mean is: at a certain point, the power struggle and anticipation of how the other will react dissolves.
    You can just do what you do, make decisions based on yourself and the situation, and that is it.
    How the other acts, feels, and decides is their choice - nothing we do or say determines it.

    In your quote you say "Why? Bc my gf..."
    Really, is that so?
    Or is it that there was a little spot in you that was insecure or needed attention to begin with, and her response simply amplified it enough to bring it into your awareness and play it out to its conclusion?

    More and more I really feel like it comes down to ourselves.
    The relationships we choose, the dynamics, the people we love: reflections of ourselves.
    Relationships can be great learning experiences for how we are in this world, and what is going on inside us as people.
    I think you learned a lot, eh!

    But, yeah, I do agree with you that chasing is a bad idea.
    It's kind of like rushing in to fill up a hole that you do not want to accept is there. I still chase to a degree, but i'm learning.


  7. #7
    Silver Member Allie.'s Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
    Charleston, SC
    great advice buddy.
    thanks for your contribution.

  8. #8
    Silver Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2006
    I have a question though.

    With me. Yeah I got really clingy, sad, pathetic, needy...texted all the time. We weren't really in a relationship, but we fell hard for each other...and her life got really complicated ( not a lie from her, it was true) and she needed space and all I got really attached and depressed.

    I said alot of really embarrassing things.

    When I told her I was going to delete her number, I said I was sorry for the way I had acted and she said she was sorry too. She had just gotten done yelling at me for being dramatic...and literally the next thing I read from her she's apologizing...wishing me luck and stuff....after I told her I was deleting her number...

    But I didn't quite do it the way I think I should have. I still reassured her how desperate I was and how lonely I felt...which was true but a mistake to let her know that. I said all of this at the same time I told her I was deleting her number.

    I said "maybe it was wrong to pursure you because of the bad timing" or whatever. but I never said "I'm over it, it's done".

    I acted, well like a lunatic really. I'm rather embarrassed about how I got.

    It's been 2.5 months of NC. Not one word from her, not one word from me.

    Did I screw up my chances by being so desperate in the final e-mail, even though I told her I was deleting her number?

    Or does it just sometimes take a really long time to hear back from them?

    Maybe she just never cared about me that much in the first place?

    2.5 months seems like a long time.

    I'm just aching for the day when she'll call me and I'll have the chance to regain the control and make her chase me a little. Do you think it's been too long without a word from her?

  9. #9
    Member Spawn's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2006
    Middle Earth

    Thumbs up

    good post 8-)

    nobody is perfect - leftbehind, you just went with your heart. believe me all those questions will keep poppin up in your mind even if you somehow found answers to them.

    Leave it for time being and try hard concentratin on the direction your life must take. No Contact and that not the chasin part doesn't work always it works for some.

    Once you start enjoyin your life without her thats when u might be in for a surprise, work on you and your weaknesses....i am sure then life will smile at ya.

  10. 08-19-2006, 03:42 AM

  11. #10
    Bronze Member skyjuice's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2005

    When you stop chasing, would you still wait for them?
    Would you go out and date others?
    There is no guarantee that stop chasing would bring them back right?


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