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Thread: Healing from Abuse & Divorce

  1. #21
    Fallout's Avatar
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    Yeah don't beat yourself up about it Aurian (no pun intended!) just sit back and look at what you achieved...you managed to kick that jerk out of your life and to have a good job...many women never get out of abusive relationships. I bet in a short time you'll be over this completely and find a good guy to be with...even if it's a bad guy this time you know what signs to look for to run away early

  2. #22
    Platinum Member Aurian's Avatar
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    [QUOTE=Managor;1205006]Don't blame yourself for not having done enough. You wanted the relationship back that you used to share, and you tried damn hard for that; Even if that effort wasn't going to ever bring back what you wanted. If I were in your shoes, I don't know how long I would've taken to accept for myself that what I wanted was long gone, but most likely a lot longer than you. It's something which I think is easy to try and deny, though I won't ever be able to say I know what it would feel like to be in a lot of the situations you've been in recently. Don't punish yourself with 'if's, please

    Thanks Man. You're right. "what ifs" are pretty destructive and a good way to make oneself depressed. I know I shouldn't indulge; like I said, I tend to blame myself rather than other people for things. I have been reading articles and such (the Loser article is always good to reread) whenever I'm feeling a bit weak!

    [QUOTE=Fallout;1205019]Yeah don't beat yourself up about it Aurian (no pun intended!) just sit back and look at what you achieved...you managed to kick that jerk out of your life and to have a good job...many women never get out of abusive relationships. I bet in a short time you'll be over this completely and find a good guy to be with...even if it's a bad guy this time you know what signs to look for to run away early

    Thanks Fallout! You're right there. In the beginnings of a relationship, I will be a lot more suspicious of any warning signs! There were warning signs early, but had he stayed at those levels, I would have been happy with him. I accepted them as flaws in an otherwise great human being. What I forgot (or didn't learn yet), that flaws in the "honeymoon" period are usually far bigger once its over. So if someone doesn't have friends, shows anger a bit too strongly or has excuses for the things wrong in his life, I'm going to put up some big red flags! =;

  3. #23
    Platinum Member Aurian's Avatar
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    Been awhile....

    Still having some bad feelings here and there. I have some pretty raw places inside me, emotionally. If someone criticizes me, I kinda fly off the handle because I feel like I've had more than enough criticism (much of it VERY undeserved) for the rest of my life! I also don't handle conflict very well either. I swallowed my feelings and rights in the attempt to keep the relationship smooth (because if I said or did anything he didn't like, I got verbally and emotionally blasted). Now I seem to overreact, because I don't want to get in that place again. I felt kinda sorry for that store employee the other day when I was trying to return an item and she refused. *Kaboom* (incidentally, I contacted the store's area office, explained the problem and they arranged for my item to be returned without any fuss).

    Bad dreams are also a problem. The other night, I dreamed he was in my bedroom. I literally broke down a door in my bedroom trying to get away from him in my sleep. I had to fix that poor door later that day!

    Anyways, working on some things to help me move on...

    I have enrolled in a course called Moving On, offered by the University of Calgary (its an e-course), and it was recommended by my counselor. Part of it requires a journal. Heh, well, I don't do journals, but I do do message board postings, so this might work....

  4. #24
    Platinum Member Aurian's Avatar
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    Hmm.... what emotion does my head and heart feel?

    My head - the thinking part of me - feels anger, powerlessness and betrayal.

    My heart - the feeling part of me - feels loneliness and sadness.

    I suppose it is because my head knows he was not a good person for me. So I feel angry at him, betrayed by him (since he put on a good face for so long, that turned out to be a lie). I am angry at the things he did, and at the things I accepted or made excuses for because I tried so hard to make the relationship work. I am angry at myself too, for letting the last three years go to waste, trying to please someone and win back someone who never existed in the first place.

    My heart feels sadness. I am grieving for the person I thought I married. The person I married is dead. The person in that body is not the person I married, but some angry, abusive, controlling jerk. I feel lonely. I sent so much time with him, and shared so much of myself with him - both when he was still nice and when he turned ugly. I feel lonely, because I've finally given up that the nice person would come back. That was what was keeping me going in a bad relationship for the last 3 years, one that had more bad moments than good. My heart and my hope kept me in the relationship, thinking if I just tried hard enough, the man i married would come back.

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  6. #25
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    It sounds to me like you did PLENTY to try and make it work. He needs to work on himself now, and if he is unwilling to do that there is nothing more you can do. It was NOT you at all. Please don't think "if only I had tried harder". He was an abuser, and it doesn't matter how hard you try with someone like that. He will never be satisfied because the problem is with HIM. When you try to change or fix things, he is still not happy because the real problem hasn't been addressed.

    I'm so glad you are not in that relationship anymore! Be thankful that you don't have to hear him yell at you anymore. You don't have to worry about what he's thinking all of the time. Try to surround yourself with family and friends and keep busy. The sadness will pass. If you are looking for more information, Patricia Evans has a couple books out there about abusive relationships. I'm not sure if your counselor would like that, although her books helped me quite a bit....

  7. #26
    Platinum Member Aurian's Avatar
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    Thank you RMP.

    I'm also always on the lookout for good books. Although my counselor thinks I should just keep busy, I am the kind of person who wants to UNDERSTAND. (I'm the kind of person who takes out all the science books from the library for fun I'll give Evans a try, thanks!

  8. #27
    Platinum Member Aurian's Avatar
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    I got an email from my lawyer today. Because he is in another country, I had to hire another set of lawyers in his country through my Canadian ones in order to serve him the papers. I am angry because I am paying for these foreign lawyers' services and they have not even given him the papers yet.

    My lawyer sent me a copy of the email he sent them asking about the divorce (my last email to him cut off communication and gave him my lawyers' email address). I saw his email in there and started crying. Dunno why. I guess I was thinking we were legally separated all this time and those foreign lawyers still haven't served him the damn papers! Still "married" to him. It also hurt to see the email and the familiar mis-spelled words in there.

  9. #28
    Platinum Member Aurian's Avatar
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    Well, my lawyers got the idea and started knocking on his door. The problem is, he pretends to not be at home and doesn't answer. Seems like the lawyers are gonna have to hide in the bushes and jump him just to give him his damn papers. Guy's gotta come out for food eventually.

    Such immaturity from an individual who always complained that I was the immature, selfish one. The guy kept threatening to leave me over countless stupid little things. Now I am giving him what he wants and he makes things difficult just for the hell of it. Sometimes I wish Canadian law would let me show his lovely emails and chat transcripts to the judge and the marriage would get annulled without his imput right then and there.

    I am getting angry because I am not rich. I have a small inheriance from my grandmother, and I wanted to use it towards a down payment for my own apartment someday. Instead, its being eaten away by lawyer fees, because someone is being an emotional two-year-old. He had me, he didn't want me. Now that I don't want him, he wants me. I wish I could just stick him with the lawyer's bill since he's the one running it up anyways.

    I'm just tired. Tired of this nonsense. Tired of the constant headaches. Tired of the back pain and joint pain made worse and seemingly permanent from all the sitting at a desk trying to please him. Tired of being overweight because between his tantrums and my pains, it was too much trouble to risk another fight by taking less time to email in order to go DO something. I gained 60 pounds when I was with him. Before him, I was fit, I was taking Tae-kwon-do, I was walking an hour a day. Now I am overweight, in pain, and finding getting back into shape tiring and frustrating. I feel unattractive, because he would get at me. If I ate, I was eating like a pig. If I got too upset to eat, I was being stupid and he would nag at me until I ate something. In which case, I was a pig again. On our times together, he insisted on having the TV on loud, because no matter how quietly and slowly I ate my food, I was eating too loudly. And the lack of exercise or support just made that scale even worse.

    Tired of hurting over him. He treated me like * * * *, so why can't I stop crying already? I know I am supposed to let the emotions take their course, but its been three months, and I want that feeling of relief and enpowerment I had back when I first ended things. Not this dragging heart-hurt.

    I want to stop seeing my money being wasted on lawyer fees.

    I want my back to stop hurting so I can lose some of this damned weight. Hell, I am taking aerobic classes, I want to see the damned weight MOVE already. I don't eat fast food or bags of cookies and ice cream, why won't it GO already?! I haven't lost a bloody pound despite walking almost every day, physical classes twice a week and drinking enough water to drown Shamu.

    I'm tired of my mind not shutting up. I'm tired of arguing with him in my head. I am tired of the dreams. I am tired of the emotions. I am tired of not being able to relax without flooding my mind with distractions. I feel like someone with ADD, because if I am quiet, all this CRAP comes back into my head!

    I want 5 years back. I want my peace back. I want my body back. I want the art he destoyed back. I want my ability to relax in quiet back.

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