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Thread: Healing from Abuse & Divorce

  1. #11

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    I think your counselor is concerned that you may over-think and put lot's of strain on yourself.

    I suppose you want answers regardless, By your last post, you may have developed a mentality to attach to abuser type personalities. About why him turned out like that, my theory is that some abused people flip and become abusers.

    Googling this came up: link removed - For more brain overload.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member Aurian's Avatar
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    Thing is, I never had a chance to attach to anyone. I quite literally had half of the class teasing, bullying and putting me down growing up. I was simply the best target, especially since I was taught not to fight back. Whenever a new kid moved in, I made friends with him/her because they're lonely. However, once they settled in, they saw I was the class target and joined in, in order to be with the popular kids.

    Maybe you're right about the counselor - doesn't want me focusing on the issue. Thing is, I have all those questions and such in my mind, and I think I feel better when I can answer some of them, and lay some to rest.

  3. #13

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    You tried very hard (with new kids). And yes, you never had a chance to keep friends because they abandoned you. Pre-teen friendships are very superficial and primarily peer driven. Experiences before puberty seem to influence us most.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member Aurian's Avatar
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    Hm.... so I learned to try harder than I should have to in any relationship.....

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  6. #15

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    Right, you always try hard in any relationship and you do not give up when others would.

    You are not alone, I have been there too. My 2nd wife turned abusive within 3 weeks. She threatened to jump of a balcony, I had trouble to hold her back. I should have let go the next day. I hung on to her until she attacked me with a beer bottle 7 years later.

    Interesting is that my 1st wife was a child rape victim. . I note that I was sometimes pretty rough on her and afterward got very soft.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member Aurian's Avatar
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    Shame that some people take advantage of what should be a strength. I would think that trying very hard and not giving up would be a strength. However, that is only true if the other person is trying too. Its a shame that some people see those qualities and see them as something to be taken advantage of for their own gratification.

    I definitely have a stubborn streak. My mom when I told her it was definitely over said that she knew I would keep trying to make it work. I was the person who refused to throw out dying house plants and nurtured them back to life. However, all the attention in the world couldn't bring the relationship back to life.

    I am quite frankly baffled by the idea of turning abusive myself. I cannot imagine trying to put another through what I have been through. I would much rather spent my energy looking for a relationship that is healthy for both people.

    I'm sorry to hear about your own troubles. I read that thread and some of your other ones. I hope things are going much better for you now!

  8. #17

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    Originally Posted by Aurian
    I would keep trying to make it work. I was the person who refused to throw out dying house plants and nurtured them back to life. However, all the attention in the world couldn't bring the relationship back to life.
    Me too, but indeed it does not work with abusive people. They must heal first and there is no point to hang on.
    I am quite frankly baffled by the idea of turning abusive myself. I cannot imagine trying to put another through what I have been through. I would much rather spent my energy looking for a relationship that is healthy for both people.
    Except with kids, I was pretty tough and controlling from 15-30, got softer over time, too soft, then build myself up and today I am pretty balanced and make an everyday effort to keep it like that.
    I'm sorry to hear about your own troubles. I read that thread and some of your other ones. I hope things are going much better for you now!
    Thank you for your concern. I do quite well and am pretty happy with my family. (See 7 kids journal)

  9. #18
    Platinum Member Aurian's Avatar
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    Just a little update. Its been two months. The papers have been filed with the Canadian courts, and the documents for R. are now in the mail to the Dutch lawyer (that's right, I get to hire a lawyer over there just make sure R. gets the papers).

    I find the relationship on my mind a lot. I often find myself mentally talking to R. and telling him why I am doing this. I guess there is still the part of me that doesn't quite believe that 5 years of spending every spare minute with someone is over. I guess the more rational side is using these arguments to convince the clingy side as well. I don't want to go back though. I guess I am just sad that I put so much into someone who didn't care about me after all. Because if he did care about me, he would have listened to me for once when I was upset or frustrated with the relationship and not told me I was being dramatic or insane. Ah.... but I won't go there. You already saw the worlds-longest-post, and I could produce dozens more with the hurts he has done to me over the years.

    Guess I am rambling. I am crying less, just feeling a bit numb emotionally. I think I am pushing some of my feelings into my body though, because my old back injury has flared up badly and I am getting daily migraines. Grrr....

  10. #19
    Platinum Member Aurian's Avatar
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    Feeling a bit worn out mentally still, and I guess the mental stress is causing my headaches and back pain (tension). Got a nice new video game for the long weekend (haven't had a new gamie in ages because I'm a bit fussy and it was great to just play away and get things off my mind.

    Some other good things too... my parents are considering going away for Christmas (and I'm invited) and that was great.... I have the choice of spending my Christmas with my family without having someone threaten me with a knife. I also took some books home with me too - there's another nice thing. I love books and they are precious to me. I would have left behind many. I won't have to go to another country anymore. I was willing to do it, but I was remembering a lot of the things I would miss. The biggest things would be being in a place that speaks in another language, independance (can't get a job if i can't speak the language), my family, and my own country which despite its problems, I am proud to live in. The guy even tried to make me ashamed to be a Canadian. I am sad and lonely, but it is a relief not to have someone telling me that I am selfish and lazy (despite all the work I put into the relationship), a wh*re (even though he was my only, ever), sick and insane (for not being what he wanted) and a piece of sh*t.

    I still have times when I wonder if I didn't try hard enough. If I should have said enough sooner. If I didn't make it clear I was being worn down by his behavious. If I didn't make it clear that I was having enough and on the edge of filing for divorce. If I should have drawn the line and enforced it the first time he called me names instead of "understanding..."

    Guess he had me trained well.

    I also miss having someone close to share things with. I also miss having a future to share with someone. I feel like I am just marking time again. Before, I was looking forward to dreams of a future I thought we shared, and every day was a step towards that. Right now, my future seems a bit aimless. So the days don't seem to matter as much because they are marching nowhere. I guess they are steps for healing, but that's a journey, not a destination.

    Guess I need to think of a new destination. Its weird. Two months ago, I thought my future was on the other side of the world, where I cannot get a job, where I would have a husband and a lot of empty time to fill. Now, I am staying here, I have a job I am very successful at (employee of the quarter twice in the last year!), no husband and limited free time. Everything is the opposite of what I expected it to be.

  11. #20
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    Don't blame yourself for not having done enough. You wanted the relationship back that you used to share, and you tried damn hard for that; Even if that effort wasn't going to ever bring back what you wanted. If I were in your shoes, I don't know how long I would've taken to accept for myself that what I wanted was long gone, but most likely a lot longer than you. It's something which I think is easy to try and deny, though I won't ever be able to say I know what it would feel like to be in a lot of the situations you've been in recently. Don't punish yourself with 'if's, please

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