Battle of the Brain and Heart

I've been reading on this site for several days now and have wanted to respond but felt I should share my story before doing so.

Was married at 17, mother at 17, married to a man 7 years older than me. Marriage lasted approx. 22 years till the day he told me he didn't love me, didn't think he ever did and that was that. This is where it gets tricky. Prior to the whole I don't love you speech, I became friends with a co-worker. I hated him the first time I ever laid eyes on him. First impression, was an arrogant!$#@ and took his job, as a security guard at a local nursing home way to serious. Anyway, came in contact with him a few years later, he had taken another job and was introduced by a friend. I started talking to him and decided I may have been a bit off with my first impression, we became friends. As my marriage was unraveling, we became closer. As his marriage was unraveling, we became closer. We told our sob stories, decided our spouses were in the wrong and felt all the better for it. His spouse kicked him out first and then I left mine several years later, right after the I don't love you speech.

That was approx. 8 years ago. Since then, we have dated. I lived in my house, he lived in his but we had been together everyday since then. My mornings started with a wake up call from him saying good morning sweetie. My nights ended with a good night call that went like this, every night, "Sleep well, have sweet dreams and always remember and don't ever forget, you are and always will be my dream of gold, 24 carats." Including the night before he dumped me.

To make a long story short, I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with him. He told me he had searched lifetimes for me and finally found me and was never going to let me go. My children loved him like a father; my family took him in and made him a part of our family. It was great.

2 1/2 years ago, he became my boss, 18 miles away in separate buildings but still my boss. Big title, lots of respect and things were going great. The job came with lots of stress, for the both of us but I thought that things were still going strong. Then came a new employee in his building. He didn't like her at first, I knew her as a childhood friend and said she was nice and so started the friendship of the 3 of us that soon became the 2 of us but I didn't know it till he dumped me. Apparently everyone else knew it but me.

One morning, 36 days ago, my son called me from jail to tell me that he was being arraigned in 4 hours for aggravated assault. I was devastated. Kind of went into crazy mode and said and did things that weren't that smart at the time. I think I was in the middle of a nervous breakdown that was just waiting to happen. My son, I now know and then suspected was an alcohol and drug addict. I apologized immediately after I realized what I had said and ask that he understand that I was under a tremendous amount of stress at the time. He refused to forgive me. He said that my son, I and my family were an embarrassment to him and he didn't want any of us near his children. The same children that I have treated like my own since we were together. With my son on his way to Rehab, I lost it all. I couldn't believe that the same man that had gone to bed the night before, telling me "Sweet Dreams…" I love you had dumped me so coldly and cruelly. He said many more nasty things till we exchanged each others stuff 4 days later and each time it was like it was a different man talking to me.

Now, 36 days later, I'm still a mess. Don't care about work, have no friends cause he didn't like my friends so I dropped them for his friends that are still his friends, my son is back from Rehab, working his program and moving forward, I am driving my mom and sisters and daughters crazy trying to figure this out and all the while, everyone else knew that he was seeing this other woman but me. Now, they don't even try to hide it. Oh and the kicker of the whole thing is that she has a paralyzed husband, of 7 years, in a bedroom of her house. So, apparently, she is even needier then I was when I hooked up with him.

Knowing all this logically, I never want to see his face again. However, it doesn't stop the hurting. I miss the idea of that morning and good night call. I miss just having someone. I miss the things that I thought were real. The singing to me, the your beautiful sweetie, holding hands, hugging, etc. I just want my brain to kick the crap out of my heart for being such a sap. Just thought if I put my story out there, it might make me feel better. I want to move forward but like I said, they both work for the same place as me and its hard not seeing them or not having someone say something to me about them.

I hate that he used my son as the excuse to get out. I read a lot of posts about cowards and this one is the lowest of the low. My son sat at Rehab thinking that the breakup was his fault. I kept beating myself up for losing it that day and not being very nice to anyone including him. I reran every second through my brain and apologized sincerely for everything I said and in the end; it had nothing to do with my son, me or my family. It was him taking the cowardly way out by blaming everyone else but himself. How in the heck do you survive this?

Any feed back would be greatly appreciated. I know that I deserve this because he is repeating his pattern but it doesn't make it hurt any less. I really did love him and his children. Oh and the end of the story is that his children's mother got in contact with me when she heard what happened and thanked me for being so good to her sons over the years, for taking care of them and she said that they miss me and she would like for them to see me and be a continuing part of their lives. HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

First I think he has just used your son as an excuse as you pointed out. Second, it seems that he may have been preparing himself for this seperation for some time and has to an extent blindsided you.

Do you still work with him? That will be hard. I think you have to turn your focus right now to your family, especially your son. There is likely nothing you can say to him that will change things around.

Thanks melrich. I'm glad you responded. In the mood I'm in, no responses would have put me over the edge. Guess it shows how hurt I am. I was looking for support and was disappointed that I got only one response but greatly appreciate your comments.

Hello HOPELESSINCT,

I just posted this after reading your story this might help.. tell me what you think..

Whenever you get lonely or feel an urge to call him.. Post hear, e-mail me or one of the other great people on this site.. Its going to be a bumpy road, but it will get better.. I promise... And if it doesn't you can hunt me down, tie me up and tickle me till I can't take it anymore!!

Oh, honey I am sorry.

I can only tell you from experience, there is no way to find a rational explanation for an irrational situation.

Try to accept that you may never understand, but in the mean time, post here, we all care and would like to help you through the rough spots.

Thanks vandqsmom, I'll try to remember "there is no way to find a rational explanation for an irrational situation." Accepting is a part of the healing process and my heart is still hurting. I hope my heart and head soon start thinking on the same page but til then, I'll just keep leaning on and listening to kind people like you!