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Thread: Healing from Abuse & Divorce

  1. #1
    Platinum Member Aurian's Avatar
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    Jul 2006
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    Vancouver, Canada
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    Healing from Abuse & Divorce

    Well, my counselor advised me to try writing a journal to sort out my thoughts. I never been a journal-writer, but I am a message-poster, so I thought this might be a good place to start.

    Right now, I'm having trouble dealing with feelings from the relationship.

    I met R. 5 years ago on a message board for video games. We flirted a bit on the boards and he invited me to chat. The next day, I emailed him with some pictures and a long-distance relationship began. He is in Europe, and I am in Canada.

    He was very loving and attentive. His humour attracted me; he made me laugh so much. That laughter made me feel warm and comfortable with him. He was caring and sensitive to my feelings and needs. It was so easy to talk to him, and we spent a lot of time together online through daily chats and emails.

    Our vacations to see each other went very well, and we had great sexual chemistry too. He was loving and attentive and our times together went great. He proposed by the end of our second vacation, and I said yes unreservedly.

    I paid for our wedding in Canada, a simple affair with both our families (yes, they flew out). I also paid for his immigration and the lawyer. When he came, things started to break down. We had known each other for 2 1/2 years at this point.

    I did not have my own place yet. When he came, I only just finished university and was starting my first full-time job. My parents welcomed him to their house with open arms and made our basement as friendly and comfortable as they could. He did not get along with my family and complained about them constantly. Even though my salary was just a starting salary and he didn't have a job yet, he eventually demanded we find an apartment.

    We found our first apartment. It was a disaster. It was too expensive and after paying for it and the necessities, we were down to less than $100 a month for food and anything else like clothes or entertainment. There was a grow-op in the complex and our place was constantly damp and we could smell marijuana smoke. There were also homeless and drunk people who weren't around during the daytime, but showed up at night.

    He got angry and aggressive. I got screamed at for wanting to buy a paper, yet he used his savings to buy himself videogames. He didn't have much luck with jobs. He got one, but he quit after a week. Why? I asked him to take a bus because I was late to work all the time driivng him. He refused to leave any sooner either. That day at work, I got my schedule changed so I could drive him again. When I came home, I found out that the bus never showed up, he quit his job and blamed me for it. I was a selfish brat who didn't support him. My own work was going badly. I was stressed out and crying all the time. I was making mistakes and got a warning. We were fighting (or rather, he was fighting). He yelled at me for eating too loudly. He got angry at me for being tired after work and for not being lively enough on the weekends. He screamed at me over a misunderstanding at Christmastime and broke a table and a lamp. When I tried to hide in the bedroom, he yelled at me to stop running away and get out. I tried to tell him to stop and calm down and he picked up the alarm clock and raised it as if to throw it at me. I ran out of the apartment and drove to my parents place. And cried and refused to go back unless someone came with me. I cut myself that day too because I couldn't handle the emotional pain inside me and it was easier to deal with physical pain.

    When my car got stolen, it was the last straw in that awful apartment and we moved back with my parents until we could find a new place. He got a new job. I brushed off the previous incidents as him being homesick, stressed at the job, from the lack of finances, the awful apartment and from stress of quitting smoking.

    My car was found abandoned with "minor" damages, but he got paranoid and said my parents had it stolen to ensure that I would stay home. He got worse about my parents and complained about them more. He refused to treat them with any politeness, despite the fact they were giving this person shelter, food and electricity.

    I got a raise, and I was able to buy hockey tickets. We both loved hockey. Unfortunately, on the day of the game, I was sick and had a bad headache. I still got dressed and we had a nice dinner together. However, we had forgotten the tickets. I tried to laugh it off as how silly we were, and we drove home to get them. We would miss the first period, but we'd still see the rest. He got angry and said it was my fault. *I* forgot the tickets and made him forget with my dramatics. He blamed me. I got upset and drove too fast. When we got home, he screamed at me for hours, and even waved a knife around. Said he looked forward to the game, and my stupidity cost him something he was hanging on for and very much needed to enjoy. Said that he'd go to the stadium and just look at it. He said he should kill himself now and waved the knife around. I grabbed the knife and threw it accross the room. The wall is still dented. He verbally attacked me.

    The next morning I was driving to work, and I just wanted to kill myself. I looked at the road and wondered if I should just drive off it. I was crying and I couldn't stop. I was scared to come home and get more of that. My boss sent me to a counselor and she was horrified. The counselor told me I should stay with someone I trusted. That night I went home to my sister and emailed him (in my parents house) that I was too scared to come home after how he behaved and I needed a day to calm down.

    He blew up. He threatened to pack his suitcases and leave if I didn't come home. He was angry that his wife was abandoning him in a strange country after all he had done for her. We couldn't reason with him. Finally, I went home with my sister next to me as a buffer.

    He continued to be unpleasant to my family, despite the fact they kept trying to help me and kept getting us back together. I actually threatened divorce to him at one point because I couldn't take his behaviour anymore, I was scared and frightened of him all the time. He was angry, but we went. I finally had a chance to talk and say my side of things, because the counselor stopped him whenever he started to lay into me. I thought he was finally understanding. He apologized and appeared to listen to me. He promised to work on his anger and he seemed to do so. He treated me well again for a bit.

    Not my parents. He finally got a job interview with his dream job (after walking off the second job numerous times). My parents had had enough and asked us to find a new apartment. He blew up again. He blamed them for trying to ruin his happiness and said they were kicking us out. I didn't argue because I was just tired of the constant conflict between him and my parents and I wanted to try again with a better apartment. The way he was acting, you would have thought they had thrown us out on the streets instead of telling us that they wanted us to find a new apartment and leave.

    He didn't want to find a new apartment. He wanted to leave the country. He spent the next month convincing me that he loved me and that if we were in his country, he wouldn't be angry and stressed out all the time and we'd have a better life there.

    He went back, and things were good for awhile. Even during this whole miserable time in Canada, we had some good times and he made me feel loved with romantic gestures. I believed him.

    Then it started again. He called my parents abusive and started pounding that into me. If I said anything good about them, it was a lie. If I said anything bad about them, it was proof that they were bad. I stopped talking about them, but that wasn't good enough either. Everything that went wrong was their fault. He couldn't get a job, somehow they were stopping him from doing so. His old computer kept getting hacked, they were somehow doing that, even though my mother still needs help using the email sometimes. If it wasn't them, he was laying into me that my computer was compromised by them and I was hacking him with my chat program. I was also starting to feel a bit crowded by my parents at that point, with both him pounding on me and my own need for independance.

    I moved out and it was good again for awhile. I bought a brand new computer so that it would be "clean" and he wouldn't have to worry about anything left on the old computer they offered me. The next time his computer got hacked, he blamed me. He screamed at me for hacking him and kept pounding on me to "confess." I was ripped down. I cut myself again.

    I continued to chat and email with him every day. He couldn't find a job for a long time. We kept waiting and waiting. We kept chatting and waiting.

    Meanwhile, his bad side showed up still. He waved a knife in the webcam several times and broke his own webcam and the keyboard several times. Usually when I "talked back" too much. I learned not to stand up for myself, because if I did, he would break things and rip into me until I was a sobbing mess. Then he would tell me he loved me, put me back together and we would continue. He blamed me for being a terrible wife, who didn't stand up for him against her parents, who was too lazy and selfish to help him get used to a new country. He blamed me for ruining his life, because now he couldn't get a job. He convinced me that I had ruined our chances in Canada and that I had to fix myself to be worthy of his love again.

    I bought so many self-help books. I went to counselling. His demands were good at first. He demanded that I be more independent, so I learned how to do that. He demanded that I get better self-esteem, so I learned how to do that. He demanded that I get better emotional control, so I learned how to do that. Meanwhile he did nothing himself. He was perfect and I was this worthless piece of **** who was only a 2/10 and was so lazy and selfish that her stupid counselling was a waste of time. The counsellor tried to tell me that he was being abusive, but I wouldn't listen. "I want to fix this marriage" I kept saying, and putting the burden on myself. After all, this person loved me once. He was my soulmate once. I loved and trusted him so much. I must have deserved this. My counselor didn't push, probably because I would have stopped going if he did.

    "You're not even a 2. You're off the scale in how far you are emotionally and socially. Maybe -2000 out of 10"

    Meanwhile R. was getting more and more out of control. The good times got less, he would blow up at me over little things. I got scared of the chats and he mocked me for being scared. I got hurt and angry, and he called me sick and insane. This especially hurt because there was someone with a mental disorder in my family and I was scared I might end up like her someday too. He knew this. Eventually I couldn't express my feelings at all without being called sick, dramatic and insane. At once point, after two years he got a job. He didn't bother to show up for two chat dates he made. I told him that I understood he was getting used to a new job, but it hurt my feelings that he didn't bother to show up. He blasted me for being selfish and inconsiderate.

    My emails weren't good enough. My chats sucked. I spent hours writing an email that would be good enough for him. Between the 40 hours a week of typing at work and the 30 hours a week typing to him in chats and emails (20 of those on the emails), I did permanent damage to my fingers.

    R: It's always about how Sarah feels And Sarah is always feeling bad, huh?Doesn't matter if it's details or big things, you're always feeling bad
    S: because R. always tells her how worthless and **** she is
    R: you are worthless, you are ****

    He started screaming divorce at me over and over. Usually while reducing me to a sobbing wreck. And every time, when he had broken my spirit enough, he would give me love and attention and we would continue. I was getting tired though. In May, he did this again, because I was clinging to much to my sick parents and refused to cut them out of my life, and I said, "fine. Lets divorce."

    He changed his mind and said that he understood now why he was with me. He was being punished for something. And he couldn't let me go, or I'd inflict my sick, insane, amoral self on someone else. He had to suffer with me. And he would refuse to let me "win" anything. He picked up a knife and started slashing the webcam's camera.

    " Please tell the police I am gonna kill your mom I want her death. I have always hated you. In fact, you have created this hatred for you. I will NEEVR agree with a divorce. I will be the fly in your soup. You have ruined me, but you';re not gonna do it to anybody else. We're married and you and I will make that work If not by love nad gentleness, ten by hatred and fear. If you don't comply, I will kill myself. We're not divorcing. you will never see your parents again. if you do, I will kill myself in front of you"

    That night, I looked online. I was looking for how to kill myself.

    I didn't. I picked myself up yet again. I decided I would do my damn best to fix this relationship. I hardly saw my parents and didn't talk about them at all to him. I read the old emails and chats I had printed, the ones from the beginning and filled myself with positive energy and love. I tried to give him the intimacy he kept demanding.

    I poured life and energy into the emails, and tried to ask him interesting questions. He responded with short emails about hockey. And then got mad at me for crappy emails.

    I dressed up very sexy and lit candles in my background. I changed the chat window and my screen name into sexy, flirty things and tried to start cyber with him. He laughed at me.

    I decided to make a gift for our anniversary. I spent hours creating a card with handmade paper, and colour photocopies from our good times together. I did calligraphy in the pages. I translated what I wanted to say painstakingly into his language. I spoke of the good times we shared. He found out that I paid my parents a visit and blew up. He ripped apart the card I spent so long on. He called them lies and that I was trying to bribe him into accepting sick, insane me. He also ripped up our wedding pictures.

    He also kept pounding me to stop seeing my family. I held firm, I was not going to comply with his demands and my earlier promise, won with him threatening to kill himself was not valid because it was forced. He ranted and raved and after 2-3 weeks of this constant battle he finally agreed that I could see them once a month while I was still in Canada, but they would never step foot in his country once I was there. I was hurting, but I thought the fight would finally be over and I said "I'm glad we could come to a compromise." "There was no compromise. You won. You forced me to let you see your sick family. Don't make me regret it."

    The next day, July 3, I wanted to move on. I filled myself with positive energy. I was happy, I thought we'd finally stop fighting. I went swimming earlier that day. I spent an hour tracking down new hockey transactions, because he liked to talk about them. I also spent a few hours looking for fun websites where we could try an e-date. I think around then, I also found enotalone and posted in the long-distance dating section for ideas on how to make things more intimate. We had a chat planned for my evening; his morning; and I wanted to make our new start as good as possible.

    He was grouchy when he came on. He didn't respond to my flirts. I shared some hockey news with him. He had already heard it. I shrugged and tried to discuss how the moves impacted the NHL, like we often talked about. He got annoyed and walked off the screen. Feeling hurt, I kept trying. He went online and started looking for hockey transactions himself. I got hurt and angry - why was he looking when I already spent an hour finding this stuff myself? I changed the subject, obviously he was not interested.

    I talked about swimming, how good it felt. I talked about how I wished he could swim with me too. I asked him if he would like to do that with me if he could. He responded with a comment about a video game. Feeling really hurt, I asked him again. He said swimming was disgusting and unhygenic. Trying to cling to the more intimate topic than hockey or games, I asked him if there was anything he wished he could do with me. He blew up, that I was trying to bribe him into doing something disgusting and he wasn't taking any of it. I blew up myself and asked him why he was being a jerk and I was just trying to be more intimate with him and I had spent all this time trying to set up a good chat. He blasted me for awhile about how selfish I was - he was tired - and stormed off. He emailed me "Stay away. Its over"

    I cried. My good mood was completely shattered. I didn't go to work the next day. I was still crying. I posted on enotalone, wondering if I was just too sensitive and emotional. He emailed me:

    Okay, I think we both understand very well that our relationship is dying rapidly. I think something has changed in you and it hasn't been for the better. What I have seen for years, is that you are more occupied with making your life better then making our relationship better.

    I guess I have carried it for a long time, but with your current way of forcing things on me nad the next time acting like I am always mistreating YOU, I am not willing to carry anything anymore.

    You give me packages and chats, I give you everything I can and can't give to keep things going. That is not equal and it creates anger, sadness and the other negative emotions. Why are you so convinced you are allowed to do that to me all the time? What reasonable explanation do you have? I realize it very well, that this is an exact copy of your parents marriage. Your mom prepares a meal ( partially) and expects thank-you's for it. Your dad does hte rest of it and doesn't ask for anything and gets slapped in the face all the time. I guess this is what (you) thinks is equal?

    You have been blaming me for your unhappiness for years now. Everything that bothers you is my fauilt and I have to fix it. Instead of taking responsibility yourself, you just let yourself hang and you give up. Face it, you have givn up on our relationship a long time ago already ,when you realized there weren't gonna be any more free rides. Instead of investing, you have kept a low profile and waited for me what I was gonna invest. Does it make sense to you that I feel worn down adn sukced dry by you? That you take up ALL my positive energy and just give me back negative? Again, isn't this a carbon copy of the kind of things your mom does? She sits back, waits for somebody to maek a remark she doesn't like and she attacks verbally. I remember that's what she did when she treatened to sue me.

    You blame me for all the things I do wrong for you. I think you are just taking out your own anger about the situation as it is on me. Mind your responsibility. You didn't fight and stick up for me or your marriage all these years either. Instead, you ask me to make things black or white. If I don't do that, you get emotional. I am thinking you even dramatize those emotions. I can't prove that, becuase I can't look inside your head. What I can prove is that this is AGAIN a copy of your mom's behaviour. That same "I'm gonan sue you"-talk came from a remark I made about talking with you about her . She dramatized that into me saying awfull things about her. I should have asked then, becuase she wouldn't have been able to say anything honestly anymore. I am wondering why you copy your mom all teh time? And how is this anything even remotely close to equal? Maybe you need to dump your motivation of equal.

    I think I can continue on nad on how you are impersonating your mom's behaviour. I am convinced at this point that you are doing it to terrorrize me. You are enjoying hurting me greatly emotionally. I will no longer accept that you give up on anythbing you don't get for free and as a result of your frustration take out your lack of emotional balance on me. These are things I have asked you to adress, to which you've said "yes" multiple times, even though I wasn't forcing you. In the end, you are actively refusing to do any work on it.

    So, I thin our marriage is done, simply becuase you are more and more forcing me to accept your completely inappropriate behaviour. What matters is that you either get yoursewlf together and make things work out, or that we sort out a path to our divorce.

    Let me know what you are willing to do and what you aren't.

    That devestated me. I posted that, and was in tears. I was very glad when people told me that I wasn't just being sensetive and I had a right to be hurt. I made one last try to fix the marriage:

    This relationship is dying. You are also different. I suppose it came from the hurt, anger and pain from that time in Canada. You blame me for what happened then, and seem to look at things since then with a negative light. I understand things were hellish then and it wasn't easy at all to go back and start all over again. I know there is a lot of resentment. If I could, I'd go back and do things differently back then. It seems to me that you expect the worse from me.

    A gift is a bribe, even though I don't expect anything back other than a smile or some sign you noticed it. I do expect better than having them broken, ripped up or put down. It hurt to give you an expression of my affection only to have it rejected. You wanted me to express my feelings, yet it seems like any time I try share them, you accuse me of being emotional and dramatic. I do have feelings, and I do start to shout them, I guess to try get you to listen to my side as well. It seems as if I am only to listen to your telling me what is wrong with me and having to accept it. You want me to try make the relationship better, but you've rejected my attempts to bring back some intimacy. I can't share my feelings with you, I can't give you a romantic gift or something I spent time on, I can't try start something intimate without you looking for a string or getting offended.

    I guess I am becoming passive-aggressive. I keep doing something wrong. I get frustrated and just want you to tell me what I can do so I stop offending you. You don't want to work with me to fix things, you always tell me its my problem, I am sick, I am like my mother, etc. Or to use something from two years ago, I am just being "difficult" and everything will be fine if I get over it. (Am still sorry for ever listening to that, because now I know how much it hurts) It takes two (R). I am trying to work on my problems alone, but there are more problems in this relationship than just mine or it would only be you that is unhappy. You are not the only one who is unhappy.

    I don't understand, what do you give me other than chats and emails yourself? I guess you think it is telling me that I have problems and that the person I am is unacceptable and unwanted. Your insight was appreciated in the beginning, but now my esteem is suffering and I am hyper-sensitive to criticism. I need to let some of that sensitivity go, but do you understand that it hurts?

    I don't enjoy hurting you. And I don't enjoy being hurt myself.

    I'm willing to try fix this. However, while I do have my problems, I am not the only one with problems. I'd like it if you stopped looking down on me and we work out some issues together.

    I'd like it if you stopped being my shrink and was my husband instead. I'm sure you'd like it too, since you find it very draining and exhausting. I have a counselor to work with me, I don't need two. I won't dump any problems on you, and I will work on them myself. I hope I can share positive things with you and normal intimate things instead.

    You would like it if I controlled my feelings more. I agree I still need to work on my emotions and expressing them more calmly. I would like it if you acknowledged them in some way so I feel heard. I will express them calmly instead of shouting them. I will try do better to make you feel heard too, so you don't have to shout your feelings and thoughts either. You would also like it if I listened to you better when you are upset instead of feeling defensive. I can work on that.

    I think we both need to learn how to fight more fairly instead of the way we do now. I was reading something on fighting more fairly the other day. Maybe we can discuss it and set down some "rules" for fighting so we both aren't so hurt afterwards. I know we break pretty much every fair-fighting rule in the book; it is no wonder we both feel so injured afterwards. You use character-attacks and contempt. I need to stop defensiveness and stonewalling you (shutting you out). We also need to find ways to defuse a situation when we are both getting too upset to express ourselves in a good manner.

    I would like it if you didn't mention my mother anymore when you don't like something I am doing. You can complain about her and how she hurt you and I will listen. However, if you have a problem with something I am doing, please just tell me what it is instead of calling me her copy. Maybe I am acting like her sometimes of my own volition out of frustration. However, once you bring her up, I shut down and don't listen anymore. I get offended because I am an individual human being, not a puppet; I don't do them because I want to be her or because she told me to do them. I'd also like to get her ghost out of the marriage. I will do my best to avoid her behaviours. Can you stop bringing her up yourself too?

    You would like it if I expressed more appreciation for you and offered you more. If I am not going about things right, I'd like it if you'd give me some hints what would please you more. I have made some attempts to show feelings for you, but when they rub you the wrong way, I do give up. I'd like to express things that make you feel better instead of worse.

    Can we work together? I accept my responsibilities. More emotional control, less drama, more empathy towards you and more positive feelings in chats and emails. More effort into the marriage and relationship. For myself, I'd like it if you heard my feelings instead of calling them wrong, stopped being my fix-er instead of a husband, and tried to accept my gestures or tell me how I can improve on them calmly.

    I think if we can do this, we can both be happier, or at least get started in that direction.

    However, if this is too much for you, I guess it is over. I am willing to work on my responibilities, but there are two people in this relationship.

    Sarah


    I was hanging 50/50. His response would decide the fate of the marriage. If he just said that he would try work on some things himself, I would have gone back and kept trying.

    Okay, so you say there are 2 people in this relatiopnship? And you mean 2 people have to carry responsibilities. You probably also means 2 people need to take initiative, 2 people need to take eachother into consideration, etc etc

    What you have done, is think of yourself and use me as an exhaust for things you don't want to, or are not able to deal with.

    If you caer to talk aboiut "my pain" so much, I am willing to sum it up for you again. I was hte one taking hte iniative to appraoch you. You took a few days ( or a week) to even reply to that. You needed me to explain you how to use a chat program, despite saying later on that you have used a chat program before. You also had access to means that would help you sort out how to use it. Nice start for you, huh? I think you did jack ****, except show up to see how much attention you could get. Selfish.

    For the first year, you have takne no initiative. You always waited for what I was gonna do anmd you replied confirming or denying to that. No insight what so ever into what I would feel or think, but only based on your ownn feelings. Simple, I make you feel good, you give me nice behaviour back. Selfish.

    There was the first vacation, which I thought we were gonna have over here. Your parents said no. At least, that is what you told me, but in the meantime I have had 5 years worth of misrepresentation, lying and keeping things from me becuase I "didn't ask". I had to come that way first, so you and your parents had the safe-situation. Selfish.

    During that vacation, you have told me various things that you later said you hadn't said. About your depression, it being clinical. You kept your use of anti-depressants silent until the time when you HAD TO tell me, due to the sexual circumstances. So, you had kept that from me too. Selfish.

    In the period between the first vacation and our marriage. You had a number of downs, including a pot throwing incident and cutting yourself. I guess you jhust can't stomach the feeling of not being able to have me near. Why? Becuase you couldn't get what you want/need. Selfish. The way you make me feel in that period, was that you were gonna kill yourself if I didn't give into you. Selfish.

    The time of the marriage, things seemed to be going better. You seemed to have a reasonable grip on yourself, which I now think just translates into you being happy because you had somebody coming your way that would fix all your problems and whom you could use for whatever means necisary. Selfish.

    That reasonable mood lasted until in October 2003. The moment I dared to critisize your messed up life and your messed up family, you started to REALLY terrorize me. You threw every single problem at me and you intentionally utilized your mom in order to crate more problems for me to fix, so I would be too busy to actually see what kind of human being you actually are. You saw it go belly up more nasd more every day for 8 months, so you cried more and more. Hey, crying got the job done, I did what you wanted me to do. Selfish, and in the meantime inhumane on me.

    From the moment I left, you had the idea "everything will be forgotten" and probably that you would have me happy and you could keep doing what you want/need. It's always been about how you feel and what you don't want to deal with and you thought you were gonan get a great deal. Things don't work that way, becuae you have treated me worse then an animal and there is no option of a sane human being just forgetting about all that. Again, you approached things from YOUR point of view in order to get better from it yourself. Selfish and again, inhumane on me.

    Now , you're 2 years later. You have given in on a few things. You talk more about your feelings. You have taken SOME distance from your parents. You have worked on becoming more self-suficient. What you have done with talking-about-your-feelings, is make it a dramatic, unreasonable asset. Everything that happens, you talk about your feelings only nad you refuse to manage them even a bit. No, yoiu just let your feelings run the entire show, your life, my life and our marriage. Selfish

    You use the taking-distance-from-parents and being-selfsufficient as a means to blackmail me. "I have done that for you!" That's not true, you have done that becuase you wanted me to shut the fuyck up, so you could do whatever you wanted again. Distance from your parents is normal. The kind of relationship you had with them and espeically your mom is what is called perverted. She was (is?) the decisionmaker. Your selfsufficiency is what every human being needs to have, but which you consider a means to negotiate. For what? For making me work harder at your miserable life, which you destroy yourself with resisting to control your emotions. Selfish, selfish, selfish and still, inhumane.

    You keep throwing blame at me for the way you mess up your life and for the way in which you refuse to have a normal life. You resist reasonability, you resist control of your emotions. You don't want to take the responsibility for your path in life, or your future. It's all a high degree of selfishness and you find it strange that I have had moments of unreasonablity myself? NO, I understand how it works. When somebody torments you, you're gonna do things you normally wouldn't. The kind of emotional abuse you have continuously given me is enough for me ( and probably for a whoile lot of people) to feel trapped in a corner and to feel you have to stick up for yourself. That I have done a few thinsg wrong, is right. I ahve done things that are over the top, like throwing a table or threatening to kill myself. I can understand the circumstances and I very clearly understand the reason those circumstances are created. I am rtying to get you to do things you do not want to do and you terrorize and torment me for that.

    I have just given into you seeing your parents when you want to, and you still can't be bothered to show up with some understanding for me. It was 7.00 in the morning here. I had gone to bed between 1.00 and 2.00. You know dman well that that was the case, because you know I finish work at midnight and only get home a bit before 1. You asked Sunday if it's not a problem, I said it wouldn't be. The way you came into chat, was you wanting me to give you attention and possibly fix a number of emotional problems you are struggling with. In other words, an unreasonable pressure on me, knowing that I am not in the easiest of situations. For further information, it's been above 30 degrees here since Saturday. At that time, that was 4 days straight. Sleeping has been an issue for me, considering the heat.

    You star off the chat, not even looking at how I am doing or showing any consideration for it. No, you start off with something i already knew, which isn't a problem. I reply with "I knew that already" and you immediately clam up and make it "you don't want this". You are dramatizing my respons so much, it just shows what you are trying to do: have another drama. You do not try to have a rational discussion about why I respond to "your big news". You do not let me initiate a reasonable discussion either. No, you immediately get more dramatic and act like I am attacking you again. You don't let me talk, you don't reply normally and you plain expect me to keep my mouth shut.

    That was hte final drop. I am not gona continue with somebody as selfish and unreasonable as you get all the time. The only way you are happy , or at least normal, is when we are talking about asscrap like soccer, hockey, video games or other things you can talk about with any random stranger who just happesn to have the same interest. You do not treat me decently AT ALL. You don't treat me as your husband and you have NO respect for the things I have done in the past, I am doing now and the things I would do for you in the future. No, it's all about how you feel and what you don't want to deal with.

    All things you say beside, you have created and maintained a pattern in which you treat me this way and in which those things count. It is not possible AT ALL to have a marriage under those circumstances. I can motivate the things I say for hours and I can type my fingers green with purple dots, but the fact remains that you are not letting go of yourself and looking at things from a healthy point of view.

    I want to know from you if you're willing to let go of the selfish behaviour and if you're ready to make a commitment to me. If you are not capable of changing yourself around and making this into a decent relationship, there is no alternative anymore. The marriage we have is one on paper and it's not reasonable, functionable or something I can build on in the future.

    Oh, and thanks for displaying again the lack of interest. You are prefectly capable of making a goddamn email yourself if I miss out on one day.

    My heart broke. Everything we had shared, he had twisted into something dark and disgusting. He hated me. There was no love. Even our first chat, which I treasured as something sweet and romantic, was twisted and disgusting. I cried. And cried. And cried.

    I emailed him back. I said I wasn't going to argue with him. He had shown me that he just wanted to blame me and didn't want to work on the relationship at all. He was going to be holier-than-thou and go you-you-you-you-you. I couldn't take the blaming and the putdown and the hatred anymore. I said it was over. I cut off contact.

    Two days later, he posted on a message board, telling me that he missed mean and he was lonely. Told me to let him email something. I did, wanting to discuss the divorce. Silly me, I even thought I could be friends. Maybe he just couldn't handle this long-distance relationship anymore. Maybe he was too much of a coward to say he wanted to give up.

    His email was everything I wanted to hear for so long. How much he loved me. How much he loved every part of me, even those parts he put down for so long. How he was horrified that we'd never have those great times again. How he was a moron for treating me badly. How he was scared that he wasn't good enough for me, so he didn't show any "weakness" with me. How he didn't want to get close to me because the distance was hard on him. How he thought he was just helping me with the demands. And how he did it all so wrong, and on and on and on and on.

    I couldn't go to work. It was so much easier when I thought he just hated me. This is what I had been starving for and trying to win for three years. But... he has starved me of love and affection for so long. He not only starved me, but fed me the opposite of that emotional nutrition - he poisoned me. He fed me poison for two years. Now he wants to give me a banquet. However, he had already fed me the poison that killed me. There was nothing to feed anymore.

    Our love was a rare vase. He broke it numerous times, and each time I glued it back together, and each time there would be more pieces missing. He threw it yet again, his anger and need to slam me more important than our marriage or me, and it broke yet again. Yet it had been broken so many times, that now it can never be put back together again.

    My heart feels like that pot. Its shattered on the floor. It hurts, its full of sharp edges that hurt. The memories, both the good and the bad hurts.
    Last edited by kamurj; 08-19-2006 at 02:35 AM. Reason: language

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Aurian's Avatar
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    Heh, guess this wins for longest damn post ever. Its mid-August now and I am still hurting. The first weekend away from him was wonderful. I had spent so many evenings and weekends chained to the damn computer, that I was sore and tired from shopping for two hours. That's how little a life I had for two years.

    Its just hurting so much still. I know I did the right thing. He was never going to stay being my knight. He was never going to stop abusing me.

    Just feel so damn lonely and empty now. When I come home, there is nothing waiting for me. I used to have some good emails to look forward to. The weekends seem so empty now. I have some classes starting in September, but there's another two weeks of emptiness to get through.

    We talked so much about so many things. I keep hearing his comments everywhere, good and bad. I was talking about bullying with someone today, and I heard him "You deserved to be bullied. You're so sick and insane. If you acted in school, the way you act with me, you deserved it." Or I'd look at an ad for a park we went to, and I'd remember a date we had there together in the beginning and how happy we were.

    How long does this last??? How long before I get his ghost out of my head???

  3. #3
    Member Managor's Avatar
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    My deepest sympathies to you for what you've had to go through, it's awful what nightmares life can bring with it. More than anything I'm glad your relationship with him is over. It's great to know you've organised classes for September and onwards, hopefully you won't feel lonely and empty for too long... you really don't deserve to...

  4. #4

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    Originally Posted by Aurian
    ... How long does this last??? How long before I get his ghost out of my head???
    Depends on how serious you are. I assume you read the articles on the loser and Stockholm syndrome. Thus you understand him and yourself. You have a counselor who can also help you a lot.

    My simplistic suggestion is for you to let go in peace and without regret.

    I may be optimistic but IMHO, you should feel much better within one to three months.

    Please learn and remember this. Always!
    Most important to remember and perform.
    This is the most important part of this guide. Please take it seriously as your success largely depends on it.
    • You are precious, your life is precious and you deserve to be happy!
    • Look after your body and love yourself!
    • When someone hurt or abused you it was not your fault!
    • You have a future, you always will as long as you do not give up!
    • You deserve to be understood, but to expect understanding is very foolish.
    • Regrets are the most difficult feelings to deal with.
    • Life often is like three steps forward and one step back. Expect setbacks and do not let setbacks bother you. Just move along your chosen path.
    • All you can be is a loving healthy being to another loving healthy being. Being can be combinations of Parent/Child, Partner, Friend and Master/dog.
    • Realistic expectations. Carefully consider your expectations as unrealistic expectations breed resentment and set you up for failure.
    • Be realistic about your ability and carefully consider your ability as your failure to meet your expectations hurts you and may hurt others.
    • Patience and persistence. Changing any situation or yourself takes time and effort. Changing your feelings takes time and is often painful. It does make sense to endure reasonable pain for a better happier future.
    • Adaptability of your mind. Your biggest strength is that your mind adapts to what you do often and the more so, the more motivated you are. As you move up, your mental ability increases. This strength is also your biggest weakness as your mental ability decreases when you are frustrated or unmotivated. Your mind also adapts to negative thinking. Thus it is important to think positive!
    • Break circles of thought. If you realize that you think or fear the same again and again, break out of it by telling yourself: STOP, NO WORRIES. Divert your thoughts away from a circle of thought. The Mental survival activities or Exercise activities below may be of help to distract you.
    • Mental survival activities. Develop one or more mental activities which can occupy your mind and give you a sense of calmness and accomplishment. One activity should be as simple as possible in order to be performable at any time. Exercise these activities regularly. Examples are: writing poems, writing down feelings, drawing, a journal and reading. Use the Exercise activities below as alternative and for backup. Be prepared and never run out of supplies to perform these activities. These activities train you on focusing your mind and give you a sense of accomplishment.
    • Exercise activities. Develop an interest in one or more physical activities and perform these regularly. Examples are push-ups, sit-ups, running, swimming and biking. At least have one activity you can perform in your room and one out-door activity. Exercise is healthy and gives you a sense of accomplishment.
    • Be sure you have enough sleep. Sleep deprivation makes manic and leads to countless secondary problems from anxiety, over-acting, over-excitement, over-thinking to under-performing. If you can't sleep, perform Mental survival activities and/or Exercise activities until you relax enough to fall asleep. Given training and experience, you will relax and fall asleep! No pills needed!
    • KISS - Keep It Simple Stupid. Do not over-act, over-excite or over-think.
    • Help - If you have questions or need help, please post or seek professional help!
    Last edited by nottoogreen; 08-19-2006 at 07:32 AM.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Aurian's Avatar
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    Yes, I have read the articles you posted on Loser and Stockholm. I saw a LOT of him in the loser article (He had something like all of them except one or two). I also see myself in the Stockholm one.

    I am trying to move on. I do know I did the right thing. I have been reading quite a few books and articles on abuse, and he fits every "test" for abusive behaviour. Heck, in one, he even exceeded their own test subjects. I am feeling frustrated though that I keep having to reinforce that to myself. I don't stay angry very long and am quick to forgive and doubt myself. I am also angry at myself for having to reinforce to myself that he treated me badly.

    My counselor is good, but he is busy, so I only see him once every 2-3 weeks. He knows of an online course that will be starting soon on healing from a bad divorce or breakup, run by a trusted therapist, but it hasn't started yet. He also hasn't given me any homework or anything other than try being more positive and do good self-talk. I'm trying to do that, but its not my strength. I've been wanting more support and information so I've been raiding the library for armloads of books. Not sure if this is healthy or not though...

    I've signed up for a pile of classes in the fall, but they don't start for another few weeks. Kickboxing (I used to be great at martial arts), some art courses, a metal working one... I'm reaching out to other people more, now that I am not exhausted by R.'s demands all the time. I've made two friends since then.
    *waves* Hi Managor!

    Just a bit harder to deal with the emotions, when I have a weekend or an evening that's empty and lonely.

  7. #6

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    For me, eNotAlone has been quite good. While I had no acute issues, had I 35 years of memories to resolve. It's mostly done after 3 months.

    I suggest you take it easy. You read enough, you have to digest and resolve all for a while. Do your journal here whenever feel like it, we follow up. Counseling every few weeks will be fine. You'll be much better in 3 months.


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    Regrets are hardest to deal with. Please let go, just let all go.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Aurian's Avatar
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    [QUOTE=nottoogreen;1177786]For me, eNotAlone has been quite good. While I had no acute issues, had I 35 years of memories to resolve. It's mostly done after 3 months.

    I suggest you take it easy. You read enough, you have to digest and resolve all for a while. Do your journal here whenever feel like it, we follow up. Counseling every few weeks will be fine. You'll be much better in 3 months.



    Thanks Nottoogreen. I found Enotalone very helpful too. The great people here helped me figure out that R. was being manipulative and abusive and that I wasn't just being emotional, selfish or too sensitive. I guess I can't expect five years (I can't imagine 35 years of memories!), to be resolved in a month.

    Originally Posted by nottoogreen
    Regrets are hardest to deal with. Please let go, just let all go.
    I hear you there.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Aurian's Avatar
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    Although my counselor semi-discouraged it, I decided to read a lot on the various subjects around divorce and abuse. I'm the kind of person who wants to understand "why." There were some very good books and some not so good ones. I must have blazed through a dozen in less than a month (and that's on top of my usual relaxation reading!).

    Some I found helpful:

    Dragonslippers by Rosalind Penfield (alias) link removed
    I thought this was sooooo good. It was the first one I read since doing NC. When Rosalind was being abused, she drew a series of cartoons chronicalling her experience because she doubted her own feelings. She put them away in a box, because she wasn't able to face the feelings. The book consists of her cartoons - meeting her abuser, the whirlwind courtship, the emergence of the abuser and the escalation of things, and the healing and counselling afterwards. It spoke a lot to me, the drawings were very visceral and moving, and I could see a lot of R. in her abuser. It was recommended by Oprah, and I can see why.

    image removed

    I found other books on abuse helpful too. The more clinical ones examining abuse and abusers I found helpful for understanding how I acted and why he might act the way he does. It also reaffirmed that I did the right thing in leaving. However, a book of stories of women surviving abuse was horrific to me. Reading story after story after story of abuse (with no happy future written in either) made me feel very depressed. Reading so many stories made me feel like there is an abuser around every corner! I didn't finish it.

    Marital Separation by Robert S. Weiss was also helpful. Its again clinical, but like I said, I like to know why and have facts. I found his studies helpful - that many people who get divorced get married again (don't remember the percentage, but it was high). Gives me hope of finding someone to share my life with who deserves to share it with me. It also looked at some of the psychology in divorce and separation. While love can be over, people still feel "attachment."

    Attachment is usually described as what happens between a child and mother - the child attaches itself to its mother in varying degrees for comfort and security. Even if the mother is abusive or battering, an attached child will want to be with her. Same thing happens when an adult attaches to the other member of the couple. It is very hard to weaken the attachment once formed. Time and distance helps, but often seeing the other will bring a lot of feelings and need/desire to be with them again. You can hate the other person but still feel attached.

    That kinda answered one of my questions. Why was I still thinking of R? Why couldn't I get his voice out of my head? Why do I have to keep reinforcing to myself that I am doing the right thing? Its because I had attached myself to him. I'm not crazy or pining for him, my psychology created this want. And it will eventually fade.

    I'm a real science wonk, so I like reading scientific facts to help me understand myself.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Aurian's Avatar
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    Why?

    I was bullied all throughout elementary school and high school and pretty much ignored in university. I kinda understood why I was bullied back then. I was the weird kid who was deaf and did better than everyone else in school. It was uncool to be my friend. The few friends I had moved away or turned into bullies themselves when they saw a chance to be with the more popular kids. I gave up trying to make friends.

    So I finally find a best friend, share my heart, body and soul with him. I thought I finally had a soulmate and I was happy. I felt loved, secure and wonderful. I thought he meant everything he said and shown me. And he turned into the worst bully of them all.

    Why?

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