Parenting Issues.. I know it's a little early lol

On the way home from my doctor's appointment today, we had a very serious conversation about how to raise our son when he's older.

From my perspective, children (mainly in the early teens) should be given some responsibility. I was raised by my grandmom from the time that I was 11 months old until I was 13 due to my father's situation. I was sheltered my entire life. I never went to a friend's house until I was 13, never slept over anyones (other than my one cousin) house until 13 1/2, and couldn't stay by myself at home until I was 14 and then I could only stay downstairs when no one was home. Because I was sheltered and kept on such a tight leash, I would sneak out at night, lie about where I was going, and started smoking because I knew I could get away with it.

To me it seems like if I give him some responsibility and leadway, he wouldn't have to go behind our backs to do things that any normal teenager does. Granted, at 15, a lot of kids drink for the first time. I drank the first time when I was 13 because I felt like I could go behind my dad's back and do things. Still to this day, I am still sheltered in certain ways.

I'm 16, engaged, and pregnant and yet my curfew is still 10 during the summer and 11 if I'm with my brother (he's 25). I feel like if I give him some leadway and LISTEN to what he says and have a very open relationship with him, he won't have to go behind my back to do things that most teenagers do.

Although from all my "adventures" going behind my parents back about things, I'd say I have a good head on my shoulders. I basically had to learn to be myself on my own. If it was up to my parents, my curfew would still be when the street lights come on and I'd have to be in bed by 10 at night. Still, I can see where they are coming from on certain things now that I'm having my own child. Most of the things that they sheltered me from were because of love but I don't want my son to have to go behind my back to do things.

I definitely know that you can't be just a friend to a child, but a parent.

Please, give me your input on this so I can talk to Ian further about this.

It's good you are starting to think about these things.

Deciding how to parent a child is not all black and white and you'll find your ideas and behaviours will change as you go along and learn and get to know what your children are like.

The two most important things I think with children are consistency and honesty.

If you start parenting by setting consistent routines and boundaries and continue that throughout the child's early years then you will find that the child will be more able to take on responsibility because he/she will know clearly the behaviours expected and clearly the consequences of bad behaviours.

To me, it is how you choose to parent the child between the ages of 1 and 10 that will determine how you will be able to parent the kids between 10 and 18.

Ultimately I agree with you. The ideal approach in the teenage years is to be able to give the kids responsibility, a degree of leeway and rely on the kids honesty.

That's exactly how I feel. If I wasn't sheltered so much, I may have never gotten pregnant, even though I'd never change my fiance and son for everything. I just would have made smarter decisions.

Like melrich said, consistency and boudaries are VERY important. I grew up in a household where my mother ruled the house with an iron fist. She didnt work so she was ALWAYS around and insisted on dropping us off at school and picking us up. We werent really allowed to hang out much at friends' houses unless it was someone whose parents she knew and was Asian. My mother's rules changed a lot and there was no consistency. She would get mad about things that werent our fault, and then she would not get mad about other things. Her way of getting angry was to yell, hit you, and put you down. I used to live in terror of her and my dad used to avoid her and hang out at the office more than at home. There were times she would be on a rampage about stuff (grades, the way I looked, etc) that I would call my dad at the office, in tears and he would calm her down.

My parents didnt get along and there werent really boundaries. I knew that if I wanted to be able to do something or get something and mother said "no", I always knew that if I went to my dad, he would say "yes" to spite her.

Growing up in my house, watching my parents with us, esp in my high school years, watching my mother try to get me to side with her in her marital issues with my dad, has made me afraid of ever having kids. I dont know if I could raise kids right.

Whatever you do, make sure they know from the day they're born that they can talk to you about anything and you'll listen.

I was molested for several years and never told because my mother didn't have the above policy. Unless it was rainbows and butterflies, she didn't wanna hear it. Make sure the kid knows that you will always be on their side.

I'd never ever ever give my son something if he went into a tantrum for it. My nephew was raised like that and to this day, he's a spoiled little brat and I can't even stand to be around him.

I agree with BrokenWingedFairy, make sure you let your kids know that whatever happens with them, whatever they do, they can always confide in you and that you wont hate them as a person. You might not LIKE what they did, but you still love them.

I wish my mother did that with me. She constantly blamed me for things that were beyond my control. She has to this day, issues with my height and I used to be terrified of her when we went out to visit her friends. They would make snide, condescending comments about me and how I would never find a bf, make a life, etc. becuse I was so small, and when we got home, my mother would take her anger and embarrassment out on me. She said I embarrassed her for being so small since her friends made fun of me and made HER look bad.

Make sure you never hold a grudge. If they need to be punished, punish them, and get over it.

My mother still brings up things I did when I was like, six. Only the bad stuff though...never the good stuff.

I have worked with teens before, and seen 3 types

1 the ones with major rules at home, strict parents and no freedom

2 the ones with zero rules at home, and tons of freedom

3 the ones with clear but few rules at home, and some freedom

I found the groups 1 and 2 to get into major trouble (drugs, unplanned pregnancy, drinking, stealing, ect.) and the third group to get into some trouble, but not really anything serious.

Kids need clear boundries, they need to know what to do, why to do it, and what happens if they don't. Give them freedom as they can handle it, if you are lucky they will screw up while still in your house and you can help them fix stuff.

Some basic house rules we have

-no abuse (physical, emotional, ect)

- be responsible (clean up after yourself, ect.)

- be respectful (of other's feelings, time, space, belongings ect.)

that's about it. my kids are better behaved than most of their friends, and believe me I can see some of their friends headed for big trouble in a few years.

It's all about balance and knowing your kid, and remembering they are learning, they will screw up, and you gotta decide are you going to be a loving parent and gently correct them or a jerk and put them down or a blob on the couch and ignore it?

I have worked with teens before, and seen 3 types

 

1 the ones with major rules at home, strict parents and no freedom

2 the ones with zero rules at home, and tons of freedom

3 the ones with clear but few rules at home, and some freedom

 

I found the groups 1 and 2 to get into major trouble (drugs, unplanned pregnancy, drinking, stealing, ect.) and the third group to get into some trouble, but not really anything serious.

 

I'd definitely be number 3 with raising my son and possibly other children in the future. I was number 1 and look where I was. I drank constantly, smoked weed, was a clepto to the point of stealing 300 dollars worth of merchandise from the mall, and I'm pregnant at 16. It's all true.

I'd definitely be number 3 with raising my son and possibly other children in the future. I was number 1 and look where I was. I drank constantly, smoked weed, was a clepto to the point of stealing 300 dollars worth of merchandise from the mall, and I'm pregnant at 16. It's all true.

I was the #2 and I got into my fair share of trouble, addicted to drugs young, arrested for assault, ect. My parents didn't seem to care, they got high with me.

I was definitely a 3....I was also the oldest so had a few more "rules" than the the next siblings, but I was also given freedom, with boundaries and taught early on that to get respect, you had to also earn it and GIVE it. My mother also talked with me from an early age about drugs, etc, and even though there were four of us kids, she always made sure to have quality time with us one on one too.

I still got into SOME trouble, and had my problems - you cannot shelter them from everything. My siblings also had their own unique set of problems too. But I HIGHLY respected my mother, the rules and to this day think my mother is my "role model" when it comes to how I hope to parent one day.