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Thread: A day in the life of...BornToResist

  1. #1
    Platinum Member BornToResist's Avatar
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    A day in the life of...BornToResist

    Where shall I begin? So much has happened. I have to get my whole story out. I want to have it in one place so I can go back and read it all. So I can realize that he is so wrong for me. I need to remember everything.

    I used to be a drama-free kind of girl. Honestly, it's true.

    But then I met..."R". He flipped my life upside-down, back-wards, and sideways. We had some good times, but they were not worth going through what I am right now.

    Boo-hoo, poor me. No, I don't want to just complain, I'm just in a rough patch I guess.

    I'm 22 years old. I'm pregnant. I'm single. I never though my life would be like this. I always dreamed of a wedding, husband, house, nursury, etc. sometime in the FAR future. But that's not meant for me. Not now anyways.

    I did drugs, the more the better. Anything I could get my hands on, but meth was my favorite, and weed was a nightly thing. I got into trouble. I liked the "bad boy." I wanted freedom and I wanted to be on my own. He gave all that to me. He treated me well, but yeah, I guess I settled a little bit. I liked that danger that he had...something I grew up watching my brother and his friends go through, thinking "I want a man like that!" Boy, was I off-base.

    Anyhow, we dated for 2 years, and things were good. Then he lost his job so we had to move, and he had nowhere to go. We stayed at his friends house for a little while, but I couldn't handle the town we were in. Think Twighlight Zone. There's something wrong with that place. He started staying in a motorhome but I couldn't hang, so I went and lived at my mom's. He never forgave me.

    I saved up all my money and got us into an apartment. The day I went and looked at it I was SO excited because it was really the first thing I've ever done on my own. He comes by and looks it over and says "I guess it's better than a motorhome..." And that was the decline of what I thought was a great relationship.

    We moved in, and things were never right. I realized it was because he was hanging out with his ex, so he felt guilty and would take it out on me. I felt something was wrong, so I would try to figure out what came between us, and we would fight constantly. He just wasn't the same anymore, but I was. I couldn't understand what the problem was.

    I came home one day and there was a note from his ex-girlfriend in the door. My stomach dropped. She wasn't supposed to know where we lived. I asked him specifically not to tell anyone where we moved to. But she knew. How many times had she been there before when I wasn't around? When work was slow for him and I had to pull overtime to make rent? Any security I had was taken away. I cried but then became numb before he came home.

    He opened the door and said "hey baby, whats....wrong..?" I broke up with him and told him to leave. I showed no emotion. He just looked at me and took a shower. I knew it wasn't so simple. He came out and hell broke loose. After screaming at me and accusing me of sleeping with everyone on earth, he left. I cried some more, took pills and passed out. He came and woke me up at 2am to tell me how sorry he was, and he had nowhere to go so could he please sleep on my couch. I said fine. He told me he went to his ex-girlfriend's house to ask her why she came over and she wanted to call me to tell me nothing was going on but he thought I would just freak out. I just rolled over and he left.

    The next day my car broke down in the middle of the worst part of town. I got it fixed but work was over by the time I got home. He was there waiting for me. He said he thought he was going to come home to find all my stuff gone and it was the worst day of his life. He told me that he loved me so much and was so sorry and she wasn't worth it. He asked if there was anything he could do to make me change my mind. I told him the only thing he could do was go back in time and not lie to me. He said he will stop all contact with her even if I decide to be without him because he can't live with himself.

    After a couple hours of begging, I took him back. We conceived our child.

    Things were okay for about a month. Then I told him my period was late. 5 days. Not normal. Maybe stress? I drove to the store at 10pm to get a test. I got home and he said no matter what happened, we were going to be fine.

    Positive. The second line showed up immediately, darker than any other line on that stupid stick. This can't be right. He came in and held me. He called his mom and told her I was pregnant, and she was so excited. He told his best friend and he said "this is a good thing, don't worry." I called my mom. She said "You know what you have to do. You know you don't want this..."

    The next morning I took that second test. Still can't be right. I even called the number on the back of the box to make sure I was reading it right. I called my doctor and got in the next day. They told me for sure. I got home...nobody there. I called my brother, he was happy for me. Got off the phone and still...by myself. No phone calls about what happened at the Dr., nothing.

    A few hours later "R" shows up. He has a dog with him. A dog that he bought when he and his ex girlfriend were together. A dog he got from going to her house that day. The day I went to the doctor to make certain I am in fact pregnant with his child. Then the tears came...

    He couldn't understand why I was so upset. He said it was just a dog. He asked what I wanted to do. I told him I'm keeping it and he cried. He cried all night before passing out. That's what he does when he's depressed, he disconnects.

    The next morning I left for my moms and told him he better have that dog out of the house immediately and I better not even catch a wiff of dog of ever see one dog hair. He complied. I left.

    By the time I got home, the place was spotless. We went outside. He told me he wasn't going to stop seeing his ex-girlfriend. He said he should be able to have her as a friend and me as a girlfriend. I told him never to ask me to be okay with that. I told him that he's losing me over this if this is what he wants. He said it is. I cried until I was gagging and choking. Devastated. I kept repeating over and over, "How can he do this to me now?" "Why now?" "Why couldn't you tell me this a month ago so I could just leave?" I don't know why he did it then, or if it was just some trick to trap me. Once he realized I wasn't going anywhere because I was pregnant, he pulls this. Unbelievable.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member BornToResist's Avatar
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    I stayed in bed for days. I missed work. I couldn't deal. This just wasn't going to work. I told him that I cannot deal with finding out that I'm pregnant and dealing with his exgirlfriend drama at the same time. He said he understood and would stop having contact with her for now, but don't expect it to last long. Was that supposed to make me feel better?

    We talked a few days later and decided an abortion would be the best option. I knew I didn't want that for myself, but I also knew I didn't want to be put through this. I saw my brother go through this. He got a girl pregnant and treated her like crap for years and she just put up with it because they had a child together. (He later figured out he's an alcoholic and stopped, and they got married and had more children and are very happy today...) But R wasn't worth it. He didn't see what he was doing to me was wrong. He believed he was in the right about this. I didn't want to be with someone like that. I also wanted to be in love, get married, have a great career, buy a house, and then maybe get pregnant. This was all too soon.

    I made my abortion appointment and slipped into a deep depression. Even though R wasn't seeing that chick anymore, I didn't trust him. I interrogated him, I went through his wallet, I started fights because I felt hate for him. I started calling my exboyfriends behind his back because somehow it made me feel better to have a secret that I could hurt him with.

    Things started to look up for a second, but then came crashing down again. He had a car get towed, and he flipped out on me, as if I had something to do with it. I called him once I found out and he came home, drunk. He started screaming my name from outside the building and rushed upstairs and started yelling at me. "WHY didn't I find out about this sooner?" "Why didn't you say anythign to the cops?!" (Answers: I was at work when it happened, I really was just as clueless about this whole thing as him..) So he wanted to go to the police station to figure it out and I said I'd drive him since he was drinking. He started sceaming at me and I knew the neighbors could see. I told him to F-off and went upstairs. My neighbor came and warned me that the people who lived there before got evicted because they were so loud, and she asked me if he has ever hit me. NO WAY! Yeah he yelled, but never laid a hand on me.

    He got home and I told him he can't have outbursts like that because it will get us kicked out, and he flipped out even more. *sigh* He finally calmed down after he hit the door and it came back at him and gave him a black eye. We pretended like nothing happened.

    Monday rolls around, and sure enough, my landlord calls. She wants to talk. Of course she does. She shows up after I got home from work, and I already told R not to be there. She told me that I am more than welcome to stay, but he's gotta go. I gave her my 30 day notice and said I was moving back to my mom's. I broke down because I knew this was going to be so hard for me to break the news to him...

    I told him what happened when he called on the phone.Yeah, just like I expected, he freaked out again. I was bawling and told him what she said. He cussed at my and hung up on me. I waited around for about 4 hours and then went to my mom's because I honestly didn't think he was coming home. Apparently he showed up around 12:30am, but I wasn't there.

    The next day he blamed everyone in the apartment complex, the landlords, the cops, even God for everythign that happened to him. He said he payed rent on time so he could yell if he wanted to. (Truth is, he payed half the rent ONE month we were there. I payed for 4 other months PLUS the security deposit...) I was sick of it and I couldn't wait for the month to be over.
    Last edited by BornToResist; 08-16-2006 at 01:38 PM.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member BornToResist's Avatar
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    Mental Abuse - The 7 Most Important Things To Know

    1. "Sticks and stones won’t break my bones” – and words won’t leave any measurable physical damage, but they will cause progressive, long-term harm. Never underestimate the power of words: words are used to brainwash.

    Being told you are “stupid”, “ugly”, “lazy” or “worthless” is never acceptable. The first times you hear it, it will hurt, naturally. In time you “may get used to” hearing it from a partner. That’s when you start to internalize and believe it. When that happens you are doing the other person’s work of putting you down for them. This is why your feelings of self-worth suffer increasingly over time.

    The good news is that just as words have been used to bring you down, you can learn to harness the power of words to build you up and restore your confidence and belief in yourself.

    2. You are always told that it’s your fault. Somehow, whatever happens, however it starts, the ultimate blame is always yours. Notice that we are talking ultimate blame here. The blaming partner will always tell you that their behavior was caused by what you said or did. In fact, their argument runs along the lines that you can’t possibly blame them for anything, because if you hadn’t said what you said, or done what you did it would never have happened.

    3. You’re more inclined to believe your partner than you are to believe yourself. Have you ever reeled with a sense of hurt and injustice, or seethed with anger at the way you’ve been treated? Have you found yourself asking: “Is it reasonable to feel like this?” “Am I misinterpreting things?” “Have I got it wrong?”

    If this is you, what it means is that you have become so brainwashed you’ve stopped trusting in your own judgment. Your mind keeps throwing up the observations and questions because, deep down, you know that what is happening is utterly wrong. But right now you can’t feel the strength of your own convictions.

    4. You need your partner to acknowledge your feelings. Have you ever felt desperate to make your partner hear what you are saying and apologize for the hurtful things they’ve said? Have you ever felt that only they can heal the pain they’ve caused?

    Does your need for them to validate your feelings keep you hooked into the relationship?

    When a partner constantly denies or refuses to listen to your feelings, that is, unquestionably, mental abuse.

    5. Your partner blows hot and cold. He can be very loving but is often highly critical of you. He may tell you how much he loves you, yet he is short on care or consideration towards you. In fact, some of the time, maybe even a lot of the time, he treats you as if you were someone he truly dislikes.

    You do everything you can to make him happy, but it’s never good enough. You’re more like the pet dog in the relationship than you are the equal partner. Your constant efforts to get his attention and please him meet with limited success. Sometimes he’ll be charmed, often he’s dismissive.

    If you find yourself puzzling about how your partner can treat you that way, it is because you are trying to live in a love-based relationship, when in reality you are living in a control-based relationship. The mental abuser struggles with his own feelings of worthlessness and uses his relationship to create a feeling of personal power, at his partner’s expense.

    6. You feel as if you are constantly walking on eggshells. There is a real degree of fear in the relationship. You have come to dread his outbursts, the hurtful things that he will find to say to you. (Maybe the same anxiety and need to please spill over into your other relationships also.)

    Fear is not part of a loving relationship, but it is a vital part of a mentally abusive relationship. It enables the abuser to maintain control over you.

    7. You can heal. Mentally abusive relationships cause enormous emotional damage to the loving partner who tries, against all odds, to hold the relationship together and, ultimately, can’t do it, because her partner is working against her.

    Whether you are currently in a mentally abusive relationship, have left one recently, or years later are still struggling with the anxieties and low self-worth and lack of confidence caused by emotional abuse, it is never too late to heal.

    But you do need to work with a person or a program specifically geared to mental abuse recovery.

    Women who have suffered mental abuse expect radical change of themselves, and they expect it right away. This is why they often struggle and, not uncommonly, take up with another abusive partner.

    Mental abuse recovery is a gradual process. Low self-worth and limiting beliefs about what kind of future the abuse sufferer can ever hope for are the blocks that can stop women from moving on. But they are blocks that you can clear very effectively. Just as language was once used to harm you, you can now learn how language can heal you. You can overcome past emotional abuse and keep yourself safe from it in the future. You can also learn to feel strong, believe in yourself and create the life and the relationships you truly want.
    Last edited by BornToResist; 08-18-2006 at 07:50 PM.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member BornToResist's Avatar
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    I didn't go to the apartment much after that. I think I stayed a couple nights, but we just fought so I'd leave anyhow. I'd go to pick up some things and leave. It was nice to show him that I could leave if I wanted to.

    During that month, things only seemed to get worse. When I would visit with him, sometimes his phone would ring. He would get very nervous. He would look at the caller ID and if it was his exgirlfriend, he would either pick up the phone and hang it up really quick, or unplug his phone so she couldn't even leave a message. At one point I had slept over because we seemed to be getting along very well, and she called around 2am. Apparently she works in a restaurant or bar, so she was calling when she got off of work. I heard the message, and although there was nothing very alarming about it, other than the fact it was 2am, I freaked out. She shouldn't be calling. He started yelling at me and told me if I was going to act like that, "Pack your <removed by Moderator> up and take it to your mom's." We fought and I was determined to stay, since it was MY apartment. I told him he could go instead and he said he would. I told him to tell his ex hi for me, and he said he would. He went into the bathroom. I could HEAR him doing drugs. I asked him if he was getting high, and he denied it. DENIED IT! How could he lie when he was OBVIOUSLY caught? What did he have to lose anyways, he was already treating me like crap! He could at least be honest if he wanted to hurt me, that works best! He's dispicable.

    He left the bathroom and told me he didn't flush in case I wanted to check and see why he was in there. Was that supposed to make me embarrassed? Well it didn't. I was so sick of thinking I was crazy all of the time! I knew I wasn't. He went downstairs to find the cigarettes he lost..er...I mean I threw away. I went in the bathroom and sure enough, the only thing in the trash was his stupid drug <removed by Moderator>. What a dumb <removed by Moderator>. He really thinks I'm stupid, doesn't he?

    He came back upstairs and I wanted to try to calm down before I left, not realizing that no matter what I did, I couldn't reason with him due to the fact that he was higher than a kite. There was nothing in his eyes when he would look at me. He hated everything and he hated me because he had to deal with me. It didn't matter that HE was the one causing the pain to ME, and all I did was want to know why some girl was calling our apartment at 2am. He was acting like I should kiss his feet or something. What a son of a <removed by Moderator>

    I ended up leaving being just as pissed off as I was before. I called him from my cell phone a couple of minutes later and asked if he could come up with half the money for the abortion. He said he would. I knew there was no way I wanted to go through with this for the rest of my life. Not with him. He's a piece of garbage.

    He called me later that night (around 4am now...he was too high to sleep I guess...) and we talked things over. I don't remember exactly what was said, but he didn't own up to what he was doing or apologize in any way, shape or form. Why would he? It was always ME that was causing the problems, right?
    Last edited by avman; 08-23-2006 at 11:24 PM. Reason: Profanity

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member BornToResist's Avatar
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    Dashboard Confessional "Saints and Sailors"

    This is where I say I've had enough
    And no one should ever feel the way that I feel now.
    A walking open wound, a trophy display of bruises
    And I don't believe that I'm getting any better.
    Any better.

    Waiting here with hopes the phone will ring
    And I'm thinking awful things
    I'm pretty sure that few would notice.
    And this apartment is starving for an argument.
    Anything at all to break the silence.

    Wandering this house like I've never wanted out
    And this is about as social as I get now.
    And I'm throwing away the letters that I am writing you
    Cause they would never do, I would never do.
    Never...

    Waiting here with hopes the phone will ring
    And I'm thinking awful things
    I'm pretty sure that few would notice.
    And this apartment is starving for an argument.
    Anything at all to break the silence.

    So don't be a liar.
    Don't say that "everything's working" when everything's broken.
    And you smile like a saint but you curse like a sailor
    And your eyes say the joke's on me.

    But, I’m not laughing
    You’re not leaving
    Who do I think I am kidding?
    When I’m the only one locked in this cel
    l

    Waiting here with hopes the phone will ring
    And I'm thinking awful things
    I'm pretty sure that few would notice.
    And this apartment is starving for an argument.
    Anything at all to break the silence.

    So don't be a liar
    Don't say that "everything's working" when everything's broken.
    And you smile like a saint but you curse like a sailor
    And your eyes say the jokes on me.
    Last edited by BornToResist; 08-23-2006 at 02:36 PM.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member BornToResist's Avatar
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    Of course after all of that, this is the part where he comes to make things better. Lies lies lies just seeping out of his pores. He wants to believe them. I wanted to believe them. It hurts less to believe them, so I did.

    I tried to pretend everything was once again okay, and I wasn't broken in a million pieces. I made another appointment to get an abortion since I had missed my last one. This one was at 11 1/2 weeks, and you can only legally get them done in this state until 12 weeks. It was the official cut-off date but I wasn't too late.

    Once again I slipped into a depression. I figured out that the only time I could be happy was when I pretended I was keeping the baby. I knew that I ultimately wanted an abortion, but I just couldn't cope with it. I couldn't let that be "real," so I would pretend in my head that it wasn't to get me through the day.

    Things were bearable between R and I. I told him about my appointment, and we went on with our merry little lives like things were fine. I didn't go out to see him or anything, we would only talk on the phone. I could hear he was sad and lonely and it made me feel good. I'm not going to lie, it did. I didn't want to be in that horrible world where I let him hurt me over and over and yeah, it felt good to see him miserable. He did it to himself anyways.

    So one day we were supposed to go see a Pearl Jam concert. This is a concert he had promised to take me to since we started dating. It also just happened to be a concert that his exgirlfriend knew about and automatically assumed she was going, but he swore to me she was once again off her rocker and I was going, not her. The day of the concert I show up, looking all pretty and done-up, and continue to get ready. His exgirlfriend calls...he unplugs the phone...I naturally get weirded out. I'm sorry, but that is NOT normal behavior. You don't just unplug a phone, there's something going on here people! He immediately swooped in and used that to get out of going. He started saying "If you're going to act like THAT, I'm not going at all." Blah blah blah. I get really sad because, well I'm used to having things taken out on me. I said whatever I needed just to get him in the mood to go.

    I started getting ready again, and then he said "You know we're still not going, right?" He KNEW his ex was going to show up, because he's the spineless one who didn't inform her that I was going instead and she assumed she was. So this was his cop-out. I told him we were going and he continued his temper tantrum. He would rather hurt me than her anyways, so here it is.

    We started driving and he kept saying things like "Oh yeah, this is gonna be fun when you're acting like this", "let's just see how good of a time we have" all sarcastic-like. I finally started crying and told him to turn around because I didn't want to be around him. I told him all he does is make me cry and I am so sick of crying. He immediately stopped his attitude and turned the car around. He apologized and said he didn't want to make me cry, and I replied "oh yeah? well you are..."

    I went home. What a fun night that was. Boy is he a great guy to hang out with, let me tell you.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member BornToResist's Avatar
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    Sometimes a song will come on the radio, and I wander off into my thoughts as to how the song makes me feel, where I want to hear it, etc. Just now "Chasing Cars" by Snow Patrol came on the radio. I imagined listening to it, dancing with my future husband. I want someone to make me feel that way. I want someone to hold me and make all my worries and stresses melt away. I want to feel protected and safe more than anything in the world.

    Then I thought about how R makes me feel. I can't imagine dancing with him to that song. He makes me feel scared and small. He makes me feel like I need to protect myself from him. I feel like a tiny mouse trapped in the corner while he's a huge tabby cat staring at me and licking his lips. I don't want to feel this way anymore.

    But what scares me more than being bullied by somebody is being alone. Why is it so terrifying to me? It is better than having someone make me feel insecure and scared, but I can't bring myself to take the steps...

    "Chasing Cars" by Snow Patrol

    We'll do it all
    Everything
    On our own

    We don't need
    Anything
    Or anyone

    If I lay here
    If I just lay here
    Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

    I don't quite know
    How to say
    How I feel

    Those three words
    Are said too much
    They're not enough

    If I lay here
    If I just lay here
    Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

    Forget what we're told
    Before we get too old
    Show me a garden that's bursting into life

    Let's waste time
    Chasing cars
    Around our heads

    I need your grace
    To remind me
    To find my own

    If I lay here
    If I just lay here
    Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

    Forget what we're told
    Before we get too old
    Show me a garden that's bursting into life

    All that I am
    All that I ever was
    Is here in your perfect eyes, They're all I can see

    I don't know where
    Confused about how as well
    Just know that these things will never change for us at all

    If I lay here
    If I just lay here
    Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

  9. #8
    Platinum Member BornToResist's Avatar
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    I'm going to fast forward because writing that story makes me so depressed. The things I left out are written about in other posts. Things CAN get worse in the pregnancy forum, then some crap about how his ex called and said she was having sex with him. I tried to just move on fresh because it seemed like a good idea, but now it's starting to hurt more and more each day. I don't know if I'm finally coming to my senses or not, but I am so depressed.

    I'm the kind of person who loves being in love. I give my everything to any relationship I am in because I just love them. I live for that bond with another human being...someone who knows you inside and out and you trust they would never hurt you, and when things go badly only they can make things right in the world.

    But when someone comes in your life and stomps on your heart and thinks your soul and everything you have to give is completely worthless, it makes you want to just caterize that part of yourself so you can never have to bleed again. I can go without the love and support right now as long as there is absolutely no chance of someone making me feel this terrible again.

    I wanted a good life...I wanted a marraige with someone who felt the same way as me, then children. But now I'm going to give birth to a son...and what am I giving that son? A lifetime with a father who is inconsiderate and has unpredictable mood swings. It's not going to be a life completely absorbed in love like I had imagined. It can be on my side, but my side is one of two. It is so heartbreaking. What can I do though, life goes on.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member BornToResist's Avatar
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    I live my life through lyrics...

    Call Me When You're Sober - Evanescence
    Don't cry to me.
    If you loved me,
    You would be here with me.
    You want me,
    Come find me.
    Make up your mind.

    Should I let you fall?
    Lose it all?
    So maybe you can remember yourself.
    Can't keep believing,
    We're only deceiving ourselves .
    And I'm sick of the lie,
    And you're too late.

    Don't cry to me.
    If you loved me,
    You would be here with me.
    You want me,
    Come find me.
    Make up your mind.

    Couldn't take the blame.
    Sick with shame.
    Must be exhausting to lose your own game.
    Selfishly hated,
    No wonder you're jaded.
    You can't play the victim this time,
    And you're too late.

    Don't cry to me.
    If you loved me,
    You would be here with me.
    You want me,
    Come find me.
    Make up your mind.

    You never call me when you're sober.
    You only want it cause it's over,
    It's over.

    How could I have burned paradise?
    How could I - you were never mine.

    So don't cry to me.
    If you loved me,
    You would be here with me.
    Don't lie to me,
    Just get your things.
    I've made up your mind.
    Last edited by BornToResist; 09-27-2006 at 08:30 PM.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member BornToResist's Avatar
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    So I'm stuck in a cubicle for the majority of my day. I have a clock radio on my desk and I have no recollection of how I got it. All I know is I didn't buy it or bring it in, so somebody else is probably wondering where it went. Anyways on my clock radio I can listen to the radio...but only ONE channel comes in. I wouldn't necessarily say it's my genre of music, but occasionally they play a song that blows me away. I never would have listened to the song if I had a choice, or payed attention to the lyrics. But here I am, sitting in the solitude of 3 1/4 walls pondering what every songwriter could have meant when they jotted their lyrics down.

    The song "How to Save A Life" by The Fray has really blown me away. It has awesome piano in the background...but then he tells one of my stories. I could have written that song. Anyone who has shared their life with an addict could have written that song. It really sums up everything that I have felt time and time again with all these people who come into my life and then destroy their own right once I begin to fall in love with them or care for them deeply, or have loved all along.

    Below are the lyrics for your viewing pleasure. The parts that mean the most to me are put in bold, but that's mainly for me.

    How to Save A Life by The Fray
    Step one you say we need to talk
    He walks you say sit down it's just a talk
    He smiles politely back at you
    You stare politely right on through
    Some sort of window to your right
    As he goes left and you stay right
    Between the lines of fear and blame
    And you begin to wonder why you came

    Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
    Somewhere along in the bitterness
    And I would have stayed up with you all night
    Had I known how to save a life


    Let him know that you know best
    Cause after all you do know best
    Try to slip past his defense
    Without granting innocence

    Lay down a list of what is wrong
    The things you've told him all along
    And pray to God he hears you

    Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
    Somewhere along in the bitterness
    And I would have stayed up with you all night
    Had I known how to save a life

    As he begins to raise his voice
    You lower yours and grant him one last choice
    Drive until you lose the road
    Or break with the ones you've followed
    He will do one of two things
    He will admit to everything
    Or he'll say he's just not the same
    And you'll begin to wonder why you came


    Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
    Somewhere along in the bitterness
    And I would have stayed up with you all night
    Had I known how to save a life
    ...the end...

    I have been there, done that with the majority of people I love(d), or so it seems.

    I remember the first time I was about 6 or 7. My father drank. He drank a lot...especially around the holidays. We would go to his aunt's house for Christmas Eve and he would drink and then insist on driving home. This particular Christmas I had a bad feeling and didn't want to go. Not because I didn't want to be there, but the fear of that 2 hour drive while he was swerving and singing was terrifying for a child. I was forced to go anyways and it ended like it always did. We got home and my parents started fighting. I was in my room by myself crying, covering my ears with a pillow. He broke things. My mom would cry and beg him not to leave since he was drunk. The tires squeeled as he drove away.

    I remember the strength I got that night. I walked out into the living room, right past my crying mother and into the kitchen. I climbed onto the counter and took down all his hard liquor. I began pouring it in the kitchen sink. My mom came in and watched me...she asked what I was doing. I told her I was ending it. I threw the bottles away and went back to my room and went to sleep.

    My father came home and asked what happened and my mom told him "your daughter poured it all down the drain." He never said another word about it and it got better...until next Christmas.

    I love my dad and he never laid a hand on me or my mother. I used to watch him beat my brothers into bloody pulps though.

    When I turned 15, my parents separated. His drinking got worse and worse and my mother told him it was the booze or her. He left. I'm lucky if I talk to him once a year.

    My brother repeated the cycle. He never beat his kids, but he's an addict and on the verge of losing everything he has once again for his disease. He doesn't even put 2 and 2 together. He can't understand why everything is falling apart now...could it be the pills he's throwing back? Of course not...

    The father of my baby is the same way. Why do I have these men in my life? I only chose one, but he's everything I hate about the others.

    La la la la life goes on...

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