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Thread: A day in the life of...BornToResist

  1. #11
    Platinum Member BornToResist's Avatar
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    Just a simple rant.

    Okay so about a year ago or so I had a roommate. He was the brother of R's best friend. We rented this nice house on the beach and he took one of the two rooms. I trusted R's judgement (kinda) but was basically forced to move in with him. I wasn't consulted when R asked him to move in with us. Needless to say, I was less than happy with it, but what could I do? It would cut our rent in half.

    LITTLE DID I KNOW, this guy was ultra tweaker junkie weirdo. He caused a world of hurt. First, things were cool. We all did drugs together, and I can honestly say he was more than entertaining to watch. He was witty, funny, and as messed up as he may be, he genuinely cares about others when he's not messed up on drugs. It's a case of watching a good guy wrestle with the devil.

    Let me just put on the record right now that I DO NOT DO DRUGS (anymore). Although it is legal and has MANY reporcussions and I do not suggest anyone do them, I had my time. I'm still young, but I really had no responsibilities. I went to work everyday and supported myself, at this time it was purely recreational and I didn't really risk anything by doing them. But I'm in a whole different place in my life and they are out of the question.

    ANYWAYS now that that's said, we "partied" and had a great time. But at about the time when the "normal" drug user would say enough is enough and cut it out, my roommate would continue on. On the second or third consecutive day of being awake and high, he would get really strange. This is when the bad times started.

    I had a pet ferret. I LOVED HER SO MUCH. I took such good care of her, she was my baby. Well one day I wasn't home, and T(my roommate) was on one of his 3 day benders and decided to let her out....she got out and was found dead in a neighbor's yard a couple days later.

    I forgave him because he honestly was sorry, and you know, sometimes accidents happen. *sigh* I was devastated though..

    But then it got more serious.

    A little background...R and I had kinda switched cars. I had an older car that could carry more stuff, which was perfect for his construction job. I didn't worry about it getting a little dirty or maybe even a ding here and there. In return, I got to drive his 2005 Mustang GTE, which fit my life, since I work in an office and there's no chance of it getting dirty and I don't lug around toolboxes and all that. I was happy with this exchange.

    Anyways one day T decided to get in my car to go to the store, telling someone on the jobsite that he'd be right back. I had to go to the police station and try to file a stolen car report (which the jerk off cops told me I couldn't...) and wait patiently, hoping he'd show back up. What an idiot. We LIVED together. He had to come back sometime.

    He finally did. He tried that whole apology thing on me again and got ripped to shreds. He only showed back up at the end of the month when he picked up his stuff.

    ***It still makes me mad because R really did nothing about it...he made his woman tear his friend a new one because of whatever his reasons may have been.***

    There is a point to this story.

    T was a guy I had to get out of my life. I did successfully. I occasionally see him all messed up at some friend of a friend's get together, he hugs me and tells me he loves me and all that, but that's it. He's dangerous and I know it.

    But apparently I'm the only one.

    He has been in and out of jail since. He gets picked up for starting fights with cops while he has drugs on him, he breaks into people's houses, he lives on the street...but they always let him out.

    I just found out that he's once again back in jail. Not a surprise. But how did he get there?

    He was driving a big ol' work truck while on one of his don't-sleep-for-three-or-more-days benders...the type when you start thinking trees are people who are secretly plotting against you kind of benders...and he hit a poor woman.

    He went to jail and I don't know the condition of this poor woman. Some innocent lady who did nothing to deserve this. If someone would just pick him up for good...if someone could just send him to jail for long enough to get him clean (believe me, I tried)...if someone did SOMETHING, then she would be fine.

    What is it going to take next time? What if they let this crazy out again? WHAT is it going to take for someone to do something?

  2. #12
    Platinum Member BornToResist's Avatar
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    Just an update. Apparently he hit the woman on purpose.

    He went to jail for a couple of days and they let him go. Don't you just LOVE the system?

    Then he went with his tweaker buddy upstate, got stranded and cried to his daddy to come get him, and he did.

    This is why people don't change. It's a hard pill to swallow when you actually know, care for, even love a person like this. You ask yourself "how can he/she possibly get themself into this mess?" and when they beg you to help them, how can you say no? It's a vicious cycle. But in all actuallity, if you help the person, you ENABLE them to continue. Even this is a stupid game. Everywhere I go there's games, games, games. Maybe I need to read the instructions and finally play because avoiding them doesn't work.

    ANYWAYS...I almost started crying when I heard these lyrics today. It's a song I've heard millions of times by an artist I don't even really like, but they sure hit home today.
    "Well, excuse me, guess I've mistaken you for somebody else,
    Somebody who gave a damn,
    Somebody more like myself....
    These foolish games are tearing me apart,
    And your thoughtless words are breaking my heart.
    You're breaking my heart...."

    I hate him.

    In the latest segment, I told him I wasn't moving in with him. I told him over and over and over again. He argued with me. I told him I understand the good points, but I still choose to stick with my decision.

    He called the next day to ask if I gave the living situation any more thought. Like I didn't mean what I said. He obviously didn't take me seriously. I am so utterly frustrated by him all the time. And just when I think it's going to end and he's actually listening, surprise! No I was wrong.

    I did break down once during our conversation and he said "you should be EXCITED about moving in together, about starting our life together over again..." and I've been thinking about it ever since. If I was asking someone to move in with me, I personally wouldn't want them to if the idea of it made them CRY. Come on. Obviously I'm completely against the idea, but he's too self absorbed to care. *sigh*

    Another flag...I said something along the lines of how the baby is going to be here in a couple of months, and I don't want to even discuss it until then, can't he wait? And he said NO!!! then realized he had to and went on about how this isn't "reality" and all this crap. Basically making my head spin.

    I hate him sometimes.

    He doesn't know anything is wrong because last time I saw him, things were good. Then he called yesterday and asked that simple question but I couldn't talk at the moment, but I've been brewing ever since.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member BornToResist's Avatar
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    A whole lot has happened. And I need to rant.

    I had my baby in February. He is by far the best thing that has happened to me yet. I am so in love. At first I was worried because I felt like such a terrible mom, he would cry, I wouldn't know what to do, plus everything with the father and I. I felt like such a terrible person. What kind of woman brings a helpless baby into the world, knowing we're going to be attacked and have to fight against so much from the very beginning? Are there going to be times in life when he tells me he wishes he was never born and means it? Is it going to be unbearable and miserable for him when he's being bounced back and forth from mommy to daddy's? What about when his father starts in with the mind games...? What am I supposed to tell him? How am I going to explain to him that from the very day he was born, his father and I have done nothing but try to hurt each other? I can't say "well he started it" even though it may be true...I have to be strong and tell him the emotionless answer for his sake. God this is going to be tough but that's something I gotta deal with day in and day out, taking it one thing at a time.

    Anyways. Since I've had him, I don't think there's been more than a day that's gone by where I haven't been hit hard by something.

    I miss being in the hospital. Even though R was bullying me in there and making me cry, I got some peace and quiet. Oh well.

    I brought my little bundle of joy home and R was already filling out the custody paperwork before he even saw him out of the hospital setting. He said he wanted to work things out, but he was just trying to get one up on me. God I really do hate him at the moment. He questioned whether he was even the father at all. Now he wants lots of custody? Arg.

    So anyways. I got mastisitis...this really, really painful breast infection. I've been going to the doctor three or more times a week for the past month, and it developed into a terrible infection and now I might have to have surgery. I had to go have it needles stuck in me and have it drained and I can't even breastfeed anymore.

    I got served custody paperwork filled with a bunch of lies. I only have a little while before I have to serve him with papers. Then we have to go to mediation. I don't want to see him. He bullies me and I'm terrified of losing my baby. I know he can't take him away fully, but I can't imagine handing my miracle over into the hands of a malicious, hurtful jerk who wants nothing more than to make my life difficult.

    He's called me three times, he's written me emails, and today he FedEx'd me a CD which I don't plan on listening to. I know he's going crazy because I won't talk to him. He has no idea what I'm up to, he has no control, he can't get a rise out of me at all. He's freaking out. He's tried playing Mr. Mean and he couldn't get a call back, now he's trying Mr. Nice. And you know what? That's not going to work either.

    His mother calls me every day but I won't answer the phone for her either. She's just as bad as he is. She doesn't give two cents about me. I know she wants to see the baby and I'm really not trying to cut her from his life, but you know what? I'm not dealing with these people at the moment. I'm not. I have to worry about my health, taking care of my precious one, getting to a lawyer, money, and going to freaking court. She can take a backseat. Especially after what she pulled in the hospital.

    She went off on my mother. She used to treat me like an incubator. She'd introduce my stomach to other family members I hadn't met and not even me. I feel guilty about not having her involved a little bit because she IS a grandma, but know what...her time will come. When we go to court, they'll figure out custody and visitation and all that and she can talk to her son about it. I don't care about him. I don't care about her. They can take a long walk on a short pier.

    R didn't even want me to have this baby. I put myself out for NINE entire months, trying to do the right thing, only to get crapped on. He didn't care about me when he was high, doing drugs in front of me, or making me so uncomfortable I'd drive an hour home in an unreliable car at two in the morning, six months pregnant. He'd just yell at me.

    You know what he told me? After he'd tell me the most horrible things (like I'm selfish, I'm childish, I'm a loser), he'd say that he knew it sounded bad, but he only told me those things because I made him mad. I MADE HIM SAY THEM.

    Abuser? Nah....

    I WILL GET THROUGH THIS.

    I love my baby more than anything in this entire world. I will fight tooth and nail for the rest of my life to make sure he turns out okay. I will do whatever I can to make his life better.

    I doubt I'm going to go back to my job. It'd be great if I could find some work from home opportunity, but most likely I'm going to work part time and try to go to school. In four years I can have a degree and be able to get a really really good job. Before my baby is even in kindergarten, I might be on my way to paving a good future for us. Maybe I could even be able to afford a condo or some place to live of our own. I can do it. Four years is going to go by no matter what I do...might as well work my little tush off and make the future brighter.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member BornToResist's Avatar
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    I miss my baby.

    I miss my baby so much I can barely stand it.

    He's at his dad's house. And tomorrow is father's day so he has him from 9am this morning til 6pm tomorrow night. That's the longest I have ever been away from him.

    He's four months old now. He's at that adorable age where he cries for his mommy. When I walk through the room he follows me with his eyes. When he cries, I can pick him up and he stops. He fiddles with the straps and strings on my shirt. He looks me in the eyes. He makes smacking noises in the middle of the night when he spits out his pacifier. He wraps his legs around my arm when I feed him and grabs ahold of my pinky finger. He looks up at me and smiles with these huge incredible eyes and I can barely handle it. He's my world.

    Anyways. Things are terrible as always between the father and I. But I am happy to say that I got on antidepressants and now I feel so much better. About everything. And everyone.

    But here's the deal. We went to court, we had everything established for a small amount of time. A trial period of sorts. Things were going okay until I decided that he probably should pay me the child support. Then all hell broke loose. He thinks I'm the worst person on the face of the earth. Seriously, how dare I? I must be out of my mind.

    We don't speak anymore. He blames me for everything. Not like he didn't before. But now he's about to be evicted he tells me, he's gonna get his car taken away, then he'll lose his job. And of course it will be all my fault. All of it. Cause of me. Mmmhm. Sounds right.

    His xwife contacted me to see how I was. I didn't trust her at first but now I do. We tried to work together for the sake of the children and got spit on basically.

    R (my ex) has another daughter with her who was looking forward to father's day more than anything. Well he said he'd meet them halfway at 9am, but our court papers say I'm supposed to be at his house to drop off our little one at 9am. I said I would work with him so he could have both his kids but he refused. He asked if we talked and I said yeap. Then he freaked out and wanted to know why I was doing everything to him. Why would I possibly make him pay child support? The obvious reason is to destroy him, right? Couldn't be to make him support his child. Course not. So the way it ends up is he and his mother called his exwife and threatened her and screamed at her and she filed a violation on his restraining order. Drama, drama, drama.

    Anyways. I'm frustrated but I don't feel defeated whatsoever. I feel strong and like I can keep going forever.

    After all, it is for a good cause.

    Man I miss my little guy. Only 17 hours left...

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member BornToResist's Avatar
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    I feel so nervous and I don't know why!!

    My ex will be here in about 45 minutes to drop off the baby. I cannot wait. My fingers are tingly and I have butterflies in my stomach. I am so excited. I'm weird.

    Today I went to church for the first time in years. At first I felt uncomfortable because I'm in a room full of people I don't know and they all stand up and start singing songs I don't know. But then the pastor started in and it felt like he was talking directly to me. I feel like I've been doing it all wrong. I've lost my way...I forgot how I used to live my life. Don't get me wrong, I'm not one of those preachy religious people, but I have found that church has a positive affect on my life. And I miss it. It was great to find such a welcoming church. Seriously, everyone there is normal. They aren't all dressed up, they have biker guys and little kids running around everywhere. The pastor had shoulder length hair and rode a harley and had a chain hanging from his pants. These people have been through life. You know, they're REAL. They aren't just people who live the "holier-than-thou" lifestyle. They found a way that works for them because they tried all the wrong ones first. Since that's the way I lived my life for the past couple years (not listening to anybody, doing everything wrong), it was refreshing.

    Anyways...life is good. I am excited. My baby boy comes home to me in a little over half an hour. Yay. I cannot wait.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member BornToResist's Avatar
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    Okay so I only come on here when I don't have my little one. I just don't know what to do with myself.

    For the past couple weeks, I've been having such a hard time falling asleep. My mind goes into overload mode as soon as my head hits the pillow and I can't calm it down. Occasionally I'll flip on the tv to help me veg out a little, but most of the time I find something that makes my head work even harder. Last night I flipped on Forrest Gump and I know everyone has seen it a million times, but it's the first time I watched it since I was a parent. And the end scene where he just sits and waits for his little boy to come home from school in the same place is SO me. That's what I do. I'm not myself anymore without that kid around and it's crazy. I know I gotta get out and do stuff but I do have an early morning tomorrow and am SO looking forward to my night full of uniterrupted rest.

    My ex called me and asked about the baby's eating habits. Apparently he's been feeding him a full bottle every hour or so. That makes me nervous because he doesn't eat that much... I just told him to give him a little water inbetween his feedings instead of so much formula.

    He asked me if I'm going with him to check out daycares tomorrow. The daycares I've already checked out...he wants me to go with him? I really don't understand why he thinks we're friends again. We aren't. He's a mean person and I don't want him to think we're close.

    Anywaysssssss. I'm tired and missing that little guy. *sigh*

  8. #17
    Platinum Member BornToResist's Avatar
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    I got an email from my baby daddy yesterday. He basically shot down every child care option because he wants his mommy dearest to watch the baby. I will have NO part of her because she is manipulative and flat out evil. I see where he gets his ways from.

    I'm not trying to deprive my child of a grandparent relationship, but he can visit them when he's with his dad. That's not so unreasonable, is it? She blew into the hospital while I was in labor and yelled at my mom and a bunch of nurses and tried to push her way into the delivery room...she has served me with court paperwork (not something I want to happen while dropping my son off in the morning), she came to my house demanding to see the child, she told me that I should be happy with whatever amount of child support he can scrounge up and not ask for anything more, she told people she was going to sue me for grandparent's rights and I "don't know what's coming," and she is just flat out disrespectful. I already have to deal with my life-draining ex, I certainly don't have to deal with his mother. And I won't.

    So. I think I made my decision. I'm going to quit my job.

    Sounds extreme, doesn't it?

    Well here's my plan. Since I don't wish to continue working entry level positions in companies I hate for the rest of my life, I'm going to use the resources available to me. I'm going to go back to school and make something of myself.

    Imagine...having a job I actually look forward to...one where I could eventually live on my own and NOT eat soup every day...that would be something.

    I can do it. I think the sooner the better...I can stay at home with the little one during the day and go to school at night. My mom offered to watch him and help me out. I could have a degree before he's in preschool and be the one to raise him.

    With the way things are going, I'd have to go to work full time just to pay for childcare while I'm there, then work nights and have my mom watch him. That life isn't good for anyone.

    It'll be hard but I'm pretty certain I can do it.

    On a different note....I DON'T HAVE TO GO TO COURT THIS WEEK! I'm so happy. My ex served me with papers because he's trying to get his child support reduced and I don't even have to be there.

    I am so happy.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member BornToResist's Avatar
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    I'm a MILF. YAY!

    I have been stuck in a rut for the past couple months, basically not leaving the house. But while I was in my funk, I started running. Pretty much everyday until my knees started hurting. Then I moved onto one of those fitness balls that work out your core muscles. And yeap. It worked.

    I got my hair done and it looks awesome and I got all dolled up and went and visited some friends today...I got many "woah..."s from guys...even one "i can't believe you're a mom, go out with me"!

    I'm so stoked.

    I've been obsessing about stretch marks, flab, blah-hair and how terrifying it is to be single and how I'm "never gonna find anyone who will take all this baggage" for so long. Now 5 months after producing another living human being from my body, I'm back to my pre-pregnancy size. And I have to say, my body is better than it every was (well the girls aren't as happy as they used to be but they're a much nicer shape now). I look so womanly. I used to be stick thin and have a little girl's body, but now I have curves in all the right places and it's great.

    Okay well maybe I'm boasting a little bit, but darn it, I worked SO freaking hard that I deserve to blow my own horn.

    Toot. Toot.
    Last edited by BornToResist; 07-05-2007 at 05:06 AM.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member BornToResist's Avatar
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    I have so much running through my head that it's keeping me up. I really should be sleeping. How frustrating.

    I'm due to return to work on Monday. HOW can people do this? How can you leave your baby with someone else? It sounds so ridiculous to me. I have to pay someone to take care of my child so I can go make money. Why can't somebody just pay me? I can't stand the idea of leaving him. His aunt will be watching him and I know she'll take excellent care of him but I still feel like I should be the one with him. This is so unnatural. I don't know how anyone can leave their kid at 6 weeks. It's been 5 months and I'm desperately searching for a way I can stay home with him or take him with me to a job somewhere or work from home. I know in just a couple days I gotta go...and it's to a job I don't even like. How stupid. Missing time with your kid to go someplace that you don't like and you don't even make a real difference at. So dumb.

    BUT I got a big fat lawyer bill to pay. So money is a good thing I guess. It's going to take me a while to pay everything back and I absolutely HATE being in debt. I hate talking about money to people. My brother and his wife lent me so much money to pay for this lawyer and they were going to buy me a car too...they are so nice. I spent my entire pregnancy paying off all my debts and the second this baby is born I owe people THOUSANDS of dollars. But during my maternity leave I managed to find a way to bring some money in and I saved up and bought my own car. See...that's another thing I feel funny about. Okay I needed a car. Didn't have one that worked. I am due to return to work, will lose my job and medical insurance if I don't have a car to get there in. But the second I save up a few grand, I feel like I need to pay off my brother FIRST. After all, he did lend me the cash. I felt so bad buying a car with it, although I really really needed one...I still feel weird about it like I'm being selfish. You know what I mean? Money is such a weird subject to talk to people about. Like, say you loaned someone a couple grand and they were very grateful and promised to pay you back. Then you see them spend a few grand on a car. Sounds pretty selfish, doesn't it? I know it does. But honestly I had to do this first. Now all my income can to towards the debt I owe. Income I wouldn't get if I didn't have a car. Ugh, it's such a vicious cycle. Money sucks but I want lots of it anyway.

    My little man has been teething like crazy. It's so terribly sad. He cries out of pain and sleeps all day long, he has trouble eating from a bottle, has a fever, and is just in a horrible mood. Poor little guy. It's one thing when your baby cries since babies are supposed to cry, but a whole other thing when they are crying out of PAIN. And you can't take it away.

    Tomorrow I'm supposed to be going to church. Oh yeah that brings something else to my mind. I was raised religiously but kinda got away from it for the past couple years. In the meantime, I found a guy and had a kid with him. That guy just so happens to think church and religion is stupid and would make fun of me for it. Now I'm not with him (go me) anymore but I've started attending church again. I know if he found out he would throw a stink bomb because he doesn't want his beloved offspring to believe in this mumbo jumbo. I personally think it would be good for him. I grew up learning about religion and it made me very well rounded and also something to believe in. It made life less scary for me. And I want to raise him religiously. Not so overbearing, but you know, go on Sundays, do church stuff like youth groups and outings with good people, you know? I get so nervous because my kid's dad is SO not what I want my son around (yeah I know, good choice to have a kid with that kind of person *sigh*)...and I want him to have good influences. Not paranoid homeless druggie losers. I think it would be good for him to be brought up knowing about God and everything else. I will encourage him to make up his own mind but he should at least be informed, right? I think so. I just don't know how to handle his dad. Which brings me back to my origional point. HOW do I get rid of all this anger? I am so mad at him all the time. It's so strange how I have changed in the past year. I look back at everything I went through and I am dumbfounded at what I put up with. I am so NOT that person anymore. I don't even remember being that person. It's so scary how even the strongest people can get sucked into these abusive, consuming relationships. I have been on antidepressants for the past two months and I FINALLY feel like me again. The me I was 3 years ago. That strong woman who wouldn't put up with anybody's crap, who knew exactly who she was and loved herself for it. It feels great by the way. Besides a small suitcase of issues, I'm the old me again. But in that suitcase is a whole lot of anger. Anger at my son's dad. I don't even consider him that guy I used to be in love with. It was hard but I finally accepted that that man never existed. Everything that was our relationship was a lie. Do you know how hard that is to accept? It's almost impossible. But now he's just a guy who is standing in the way of me being the best mother I can be. And I just don't know how to deal with that.

    He just throws roadblocks in the way for no apparent reason. Actually, I know the reason. He still tries to control the situation. And you know, he does have some power left. I don't know what to do about it because my state says he does have say which makes me even madder. You know, I understand the state will step in and say "Overbearing mother, you need to get over your issues and let your kid have a father" and all that. But this time, the mother knows best! I KNOW he's a tweaker, I know he's selfish and no good, I know he'll put my son at risk. The state doesn't because I can't prove it and I have to hand my kid over to someone I honestly hate. And you know, I don't think I've ever truly hated someone before. But I can say that I do hate him and that just makes me even more upset. How can I still let him get to me? How do I get rid of this hate and anger? I have been attending church and a lot of time they have been talking about holding onto your anger. They suggest to start praying for the people you feel mad at. But I find myself praying that he'll drive off a cliff or overdose on drugs or other terrible things and that's NOT GOOD! How do I get over this??? It's so frustrating because basically I'm a happy go-lucky type of person and I don't want this emotion anymore. It's not doing me any good. Arg.

    Okay so now I'm all fired up and I guess I'll rant it out. My ex flaked ALL week. Monday he sent me an email that said "Keep it up." I have no idea what the heck he was talking about so I just ignored him. Then he didn't bother showing up or even calling to tell me that he wasn't coming. I woke my son up from a nap, fed him, cleaned him up, got him dressed and had him all ready to just sit with me for half an hour (that's how long I'll wait for him) just for his dad to not show up. I sent him an email asking him to please tell me if he wasn't coming out and he shot me back "respect is a two way street." WHAT THE HECK? Anyways, calls me on the 4th of July at 6pm to tell me he's not coming out then either. Thanks a lot, my plans are shot so I could be here so he could freaking pick him up. I end up doing next to nothing since it was already so late in the day. On Friday my son got extremely sick (doc says it's teething). I called my ex to tell him not to come out, the baby is sick. Guess what. THAT day of all days he comes out. He shows up at 9:15pm and calls from outside and asks me to bring him outside. I send my mom out because I can't even look at the guy without wishing he was dead and he stays for two minutes and then leaves. Doesn't even try to hold the baby or anything. Just a hassle. ARG anyways.

    His ex called me too to ask me if I thought he was being more paranoid than usual and we exchanged more info. Once again I've learned that I never knew one thing about the guy and he's even crappier than I previously thought. Their daughter told her that she wants to be there when he has his visits with our son because she's the one who feeds the baby and changes him and takes care of him. Yeah, he's a standup guy. Leave the child to take care of the baby while you're probably in your closet or bathroom smoking meth. AHHHHHH it sucks because I can't prove it. Just gotta keep the faith that everything will work itself out. When people are this way it will catch up with them...right? I have to believe it will.

    Okay well I vented and now I need to expel him from my mind.

    I just need to find a way to get rid of all these horrible thoughts and feelings and I don't know how to do it.

    On a lighter note...my baby rocks. He's adorable, looks just like his mommy. I only have 4 more pounds to lose and I get to go shopping tomorrow for work clothes. That's fun. Although I usually end up with only a big bag full of baby stuff...

  11. #20
    Platinum Member BornToResist's Avatar
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    Oh yeah....THAT'S why I didn't like you.

    Have you ever felt that way? There's some reason in your past why you didn't trust a certain person or have a bad feeling about them, but it's been so long that you can't remember or figure people change. Then you go about your merry way, forgiving since you already forgot, and then there they go again. They prove to you that nothing has changed and you're silly for believing it did. So you're back in square one...only this time you blame yourself because, after all, the saying is "fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me," right?

    But what happens when the person doing this to you is always close to you? What if they were your child? You know in your mind that if you get too close, you're going to get hurt. But you can't help but get close. You can't live the life you want when you aren't close.

    Sick cycle, isn't it?

    Well this person isn't my child...that was just a thought. It's a close family member. Well...it was a person dating a close family member. But now they are married and it's turned into the spouse of a close family member AND they brought my close family member down that same path. The path that disappoints and hurts those who have been around you your entire life.

    And how come these realizations always happen when you're in a low period and you just REALLY need that person to be there for you? It sucks.

    And the worse part about the whole thing is that in this life, you need people. Some seem to try to get around that fact, but the truth is, you need others and that's it. What kind of life would it be if you never put faith into anybody because you automatically assumed they'd let you down? It'd be a pretty sucky life. But then there's the chance that you'd put faith into the wrong person at the wrong time and you could end up severely hurt.

    Vicious cycle.

    So...my question is....what's the right thing to do? Do you confront this person? Can you confront someone about something that might just be purely in their nature? I'm stupid for putting that faith in them more than once...the disappointment could have been avoided on my end...but it wasn't so now I'm in need and hurting when I could have avoided the whole ordeal by just hurting a little more in the beginning...but instead put faith in them...and just ended up even worse in the long run...

    So. Do I confront them? Is it just their nature to be self centered and selfish? Should I just write this off as yet ANOTHER lesson learned and move on? Or do I bring it to their attention that I NEEDED them to be there for me...they said they would be and they let me down. What would that accomplish? Anything? Or would I just feel frustrated when they give me their excuses of how they "didn't know" or all the other cheap remarks they'd make, while the truth is out in plain view for EVERYONE to see...they are intelligent enough to understand what they are doing...yet they'd chaulk it up to ignorance. Would that make me feel any better? I KNOW what I'd hear. "Oh no, well I just didn't know in the beginning..." or "I didn't see how this would make you feel like that" or the dreaded "well you have to understand...blah blah blah whatever guilt trip they'd throw back at me.."

    So. I could stand up and bring the fact that they are hurting me into plain view when I KNOW they know what they are doing...(I HATE THAT) and are just pretending to not know...or I could just ONCE AGAIN realize I should have known better and trusted my instincts about them and go about my life.

    Hm.

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