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Thread: indi's journey

  1. #1
    Member lilac_indi's Avatar
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    indi's journey

    well it will be 4 months tomorrow since me and my ex split up..ah well. i am coping a lot better than i originally thought. i barely think about him but i still dream about him a lot. its not gonna be easy to forget him completely.

    i am studying for my resits god help me but i think i will do okay for them. cant wait for it to be over. i am gonna go into my final year of university with a fresh start in mind. i am gonna forget that my ex had ever entered my life and get back to my old self again.

    when i look back i realise that i forgot the things that were important to me when i was with my ex. i spent less time with family, barely focused on my studies and i just forgot myself in the process. i am picking myself up now and make a better future for me.

    i feel happier, i feel stronger and more positive after this experience - it taught me alot about myself. i realise now i wont trust anyone blindly, not to love someone soo much because it only hurts more when that person lets you down. i am keeping my expectations low from now on.

    i am gonna be an aunt again in 3 weeks. that will be an amazing experience. i have soo much going for me now - no looking back.

  2. #2

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    Hi lilac_indi,

    And please keep your spirits up and please always remember this.
    • You are precious, your life is precious and you deserve to be happy!
    • Look after your body and love yourself!
    • When someone hurt or abused you it was not your fault!
    • You have a future, you always will as long as you do not give up!
    • You deserve to be understood, but to expect understanding is very foolish.
    • Regrets are the most difficult feelings to deal with.
    • Life often is like three steps forward and one step back. Expect setbacks and do not let setbacks bother you. Just move along your chosen path.
    • Realistic expectations. Carefully consider your expectations as unrealistic expectations breed resentment and set you up for failure.
    • Be realistic about your ability and carefully consider your ability as your failure to meet your expectations hurts you and may hurt others.
    • Patience and persistence. Changing any situation or yourself takes time and effort. Changing your feelings takes time and is often painful. It does make sense to endure reasonable pain for a better happier future.
    • Adaptability of your mind. Your biggest strength is that your mind adapts to what you do often and the more so, the more motivated you are. As you move up, your mental ability increases. This strength is also your biggest weakness as your mental ability decreases when you are frustrated or unmotivated. Your mind also adapts to negative thinking. Thus it is important to think positive!
    • Break circles of thought. If you realize that you think or fear the same again and again, break out of it by telling yourself: STOP, NO WORRIES. Divert your thoughts away from a circle of thought. The Mental survival activities or Exercise activities below may be of help to distract you.
    • Mental survival activities. Develop one or more mental activities which can occupy your mind and give you a sense of calmness and accomplishment. One activity should be as simple as possible in order to be performable at any time. Exercise these activities regularly. Examples are: writing poems, writing down feelings, drawing, a journal and reading. Use the Exercise activities below as alternative and for backup. Be prepared and never run out of supplies to perform these activities. These activities train you on focusing your mind and give you a sense of accomplishment.
    • Exercise activities. Develop an interest in one or more physical activities and perform these regularly. Examples are push-ups, sit-ups, running, swimming and biking. At least have one activity you can perform in your room and one out-door activity. Exercise is healthy and gives you a sense of accomplishment.
    • Be sure you have enough sleep. Sleep deprivation makes manic and leads to countless secondary problems from anxiety, over-acting, over-excitement, over-thinking to under-performing. If you can't sleep, perform Mental survival activities and/or Exercise activities until you relax enough to fall asleep. Given training and experience, you will relax and fall asleep! No pills needed!
    • KISS - Keep It Simple Stupid. Do not over-act, over-excite or over-think.
    • Help - If you have questions or need help, please post or seek professional help!

  3. #3
    Member lilac_indi's Avatar
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    oh man, had such a bad day on thursday night. i felt soo low and i missed my ex a lot more than usual. i looked at the scar on my thigh that i gave myself 4 months ago and i felt sick but at the same time i felt tempted to do it again. i had the knife in my hand but my hand started shaking as i rested the knife on the scar. i couldnt do it.

    friday morning - woke up with a slight pain in my chest again. nice way to start the morning. i tried to occupy myself with studying and keep myself busy. trying to block out what i almost did the night before. i confessed it to a friend who was shocked. this friend has supported me through thick and thin since my split from my ex. cause of this person i managed to get back to normal (well almost) and its this person who taught me how to laugh again and make me see that i am worth something. this person is a member of ena.

    thank you for helping me through these hard times. thank you for not judging me. thank you for not walking away. thanks spawn (hugs)
    Last edited by lilac_indi; 08-12-2006 at 04:54 PM.

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    Member lilac_indi's Avatar
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    well i have sorta finished studying brain damage and i am close to getting one myself - talk about info overload!! yep sods law will occur - it will all disappear out my head on monday.

    i just re-read what i posted just there and i am feeling a bit better. i just want monday to be over with. feels like dooms day lol.

    mum and dad will be back from their trip to canada..be good to see them again. they will be home at 06.00.

    *yawn*

    i am going to go to bed now - its 00.05. need to be up nice and early to cram more info before the big day.

    night all..i might be on tomorrow, if not then i will definitely post monday

    indi xx

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    You are most welcome and thank you for your kind encouragement in my journal, we get you through this.

    My instincts told me that you would not have resolved it. For starters, regrets and guilt being part of regrets are the feelings hardest to deal with.

    Let's talk about cultures. I have a bit of exposure to Chinese and Indian cultures from my days in Hong Kong with a large Indian population. Indian food is one of my favorites, I eat tons of it when in Hong Kong and my gf cooks great Indian curries as well. As everything in life, every way of life has merits, advantages and disadvantages. Old cultures tend to be family oriented which is very good. As my own family lives in Asia, we are closely knit, more so than in western countries and I am happy with that.

    Let's try to understand your ex. I think he loved you. I am sure he at least respected you a lot because after your persistent talk of your families opposition he broke up. Him breaking up was hard for him but logical and sensible as you might otherwise have lost your virginity, which is important in your culture. It would just have been a matter of time. Thus please give him the benefit of the doubt and respect him for leaving. Do not hold regrets or grudges. It's an experience.

    Your parents follow the Indian way and that is fine (with me), with the one exception of womens rights which is what bites you. Your family does not mind, culture is emperor, man is king and so on.

    Do not regret and feel guilty, you were in love and all what happened was natural.

    Focus on your studies and get a job and then you can think. Do not worry about marriage.
    Last edited by nottoogreen; 08-13-2006 at 12:28 PM.

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    Member lilac_indi's Avatar
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    there are some things i dont understand though. ok NTG this is going to one hell of a long read - hope you are ready. it will be interesting to see what you make of this.

    my ex has lied a lot. i have realised this now. i went into his hotmail not long after we split up. he has kept all my emails which shocked me. i went into his sent items and he sent an email to jenny boyle, which surprised me (you will know why in a minute). he told her everything that happened between me and him along with the biggest pack of lies. i cried while i read it.

    he said that my family smashed his house windows, that he received constant death threats from my family - that is untrue. he even went on to say that when his nine year old brother answered the phone my dad threatened to stab him - what the...??!! i couldnt believe what i was reading. he then went on to say that he stayed at a bus station for 2 weeks yet he still managed to have money to go to and from there?? his parents didnt know that he was staying there (likely story). he even went on to say that he was down to six stone in weight when he used to be 8. thats a lie - that was me it happened to. he claims to her he loves me and he makes me sound soo heartless in it. i am surprised he sent her an email because apparently she is his ex and she beat him with a belt during the relationship which lasted six days. this is just before we started dating. i think thats a lie because it looked like he hadnt spoken to her in a while and he called her a "star" for listening. he constantly slagged her to me and claimed she was sending him explicit texts and whenever i wanted to see them he claimed he got rid of them. while we dated he still had pics of her on his pc.

    he sent me an email the day after the split claiming that he is sorry and that he was worried about me. the day before he was slagging me to my cousin. two days after that email was sent he walked into work and tore strips of me in front of my workmates (we used to work together but i had to quit) and he was laughing and joking at my expense.

    a couple of days then after the split i got a txt from him which was meant for leanne and that exact same text went to my friend at the same time saying he was "going through a hard time". two weeks i hear nothing from him but my cousin tells me he is holding a party at his house and he was going to get with a girl he had fancied. two days before the party i get an email from his friend's mum through his account. she says he is annoyed with his dad and he is staying with her and he cradles his mobile praying for me to call. the next day i get another email but from his friend leanne asking me if i am okay..she said he was very upset and that he wouldnt talk. he held the party at his house the next day, claiming that loads of girls were gonna be there.

    he gives me a missed call the next morning but my mum had the phone. he then sent a text later on asking if i am ok. my sister calls him back and she humiliates him down the phone - threatened him with the police. i never replied to those emails but later on nearer the exams i decided to text him to find out. he claims that he was worried about me and that he never sat his exams - thats a lie because he was telling everyone at work that he found them very hard. i dont get him...even after we are over he lied through his teeth.

    i was on msn one time and his name flashed - he was online but it wasnt him but his friend "hazel" (?) who i have never met but started asking if i was still mad at him because he felt guilty for leaving me. i then received 2 text messages from him meant for someone else and it was soo obvious he had a girlfriend and then i got it confirmed - leanne. not long after i receive an email from him saying that he still loves me and wants to see me again. he has a gf - that killed me.

    you say he loved me NTG - wot do you make of his behaviour? why do you think he lied soo much? to all the girls at work he is acting like a heartbroken romeo and to the guys he is acting like the hotshot. those lies destroyed me. its not like i did any other digging apart from go in to his hotmail...the lies got exposed themselves..just when i recovered from one lie i am hit with another.

    4 months of this....i hate it.
    Last edited by kamurj; 08-13-2006 at 01:57 PM. Reason: Language

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    Member lilac_indi's Avatar
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    its 23.55 right now. i am doing some last minute cramming. my exam begins at midday tomorrow and im feeling a lil confident(ish).

    my mum n dad came back early this morning. i got up along with my sisters to say hello. she talked about the wedding she went to and she seemed to have enjoyed it. she then started telling me that the family out there were praising me alot, saying that i am a good girl in every way - mum told me she felt embarrassed when they were doing this because she knew what i had done and they hadnt. she told me i better maintain this image that they have of me. that killed my level of concentration for my studies. i was doing soo well (apart from that thursday) and she just threw it back in my face.

    i cried for a while in the bathroom, kept the tap running to block that out. managed to regain my composure and got my head down again to study. i am soo nervous right now i feel too sick to eat. havent had any dinner. guess i better get to bed now...thats it 00.00. getting up in 6 and a half hours to revise more.

    good night all. talk to you tomorrow after my exam

    indi

    xxxx

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    You study psychology, could you get more *into* the head of your mom and sisters to understand how they think?

    Your mom is so afraid. If you do not behave, the family will face ridicule, dad loses face and mom will face most of the heat. Rule 1 of old culture!

    Do not hate your family, they live in another world.

    You will graduate soon?

    You will take up work and what?

    You can save some of your earnings?

    We have no call recordings, video imagery, photos and can only speculate but we know some patterns of your ex and of your family before you broke up with your ex.

    The pattern of your ex is that he was loving and respectful of you. Has he ever mistreated you?

    Your family know what they want, your mom is desperate to keep you in line.

    There may be some wrong respresentation of the facts, exaggeration, lies but the common denominator is your family and by their pattern of your treatment and their motives, it could be true. Broken windows and intimidation are cheap compared to the loss of face.

    IMHO, your ex loved and respected you but gave up (after being threatened). Like you, he still may hurt. If I'd be him I'll be bragging with my buddies in order not to appear as a wimp.

    Again, do not hate your family, they live in another world. I give them some credit, they made you, in this country of course.

    You are smart and modern, All I can tell you is that you deserve to be loved. You are a wonderful young woman. Love yourself! Be strong. You live in a free country. Don't let anyone break you.
    Last edited by nottoogreen; 08-14-2006 at 02:48 AM.

  10. #9
    Member lilac_indi's Avatar
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    NTG - my family do not know where he lives. smashing his windows is out of the question. and the threatening phone calls...its a cheap way to get attention on his part. i agree that my family dont want to lose face but my family are not barbaric.

    when you love someone, after the split wouldnt you let them be? he never left me alone. spread stories about me, laughed at me - sounds like someone who loved me very much. he never mistreated me during our relationship that at least i can say. it just hurts that he lied soo much when he didnt have to. i have been looking at my mum a lot and i have tried to see her from a psychological perspective...will let ya know later what i think - need to revise!!
    Last edited by lilac_indi; 08-14-2006 at 03:47 AM.

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    We have no evidence, I said it's speculation. Finding his house is a minor issue.

    Love and hate are somewhat related.

    I do not want to discuss whats barbaric. I know and have seen too much, sorry.

    I want you stop hurting.

    You are ready for your exam, I wish you success.

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