cutter gone retarded...according to my "best friend"

sometimes i cut, but lately ive been trying really hard not to. my boyfriend is really worried about me, and i dont know what to tell him about my cutting, i dont know how to explain anything about it to him(cuz i dont really understand it myself). but whenever i do cut, i put sharpie over the cut. it stings like hell...but i cant stop...a couple minutes ago i picked off a scab from a cut, sucked some blood out of it(i also really love the taste of blood) then put sharpie on it. im really worried about getting addicted to cutting(if im not already) and i dont want to seriously injure myself. and i can tell that it is hurting my boyfriend(a major reason im trying to stop). ive tried to just keep myself away from sharp objects, but then i scratch and bite myself. the last time i cut, i used 4 different knifes and a letter opener, on one cut,(nothing would cut through my skin, it just indented it) so i got pissed and used my fingernails...now i have a scar on my wrist, along w/ a scar of a star on my leg(still working on that)...could someone please help me...

What do you need help with? You already know you need to see a professional about it.

ive gone to the doctor about it, and she wouldnt give me any medication. i really dont want to go to a counselor again...ive tried talking to people about it, ive written poems, nothing ive tried has helped...

You need to go to a psychotherapist, talking to untrained people and writing poems won't help you. It's a reletively deep rooted psychological problem that can't easily be solved. Probably the first step is to try to realize it's fixable, and to get away from the thought that you are uncurable. That alone will probably prevent you from ever recovering from your problem.

Hi BrokenBlackWolf,

Welcome to eNotAlone,

Whenever you are ready, it would be good if you could could talk here about what hurt and angers you. We are here to listen and help.

Here are some things you please learn in order to better look after yourself.

Most important to remember and perform.

This is the most important part of this guide. Please take it seriously as your success largely depends on it.

• You are precious, your life is precious and you deserve to be happy!
  
• Look after your body and love yourself!
  
• When someone hurt or abused you it was not your fault!
  
• You have a future, you always will as long as you do not give up!
  
• You deserve to be understood, but to expect understanding is very foolish.
  
• Regrets are the most difficult feelings to deal with.
  
• Life often is like three steps forward and one step back. Expect setbacks and do not let setbacks bother you. Just move along your chosen path.
  
• Realistic expectations. Carefully consider your expectations as unrealistic expectations breed resentment and set you up for failure.
  
• Be realistic about your ability and carefully consider your ability as your failure to meet your expectations hurts you and may hurt others.
  
• Patience and persistence. Changing any situation or yourself takes time and effort. Changing your feelings takes time and is often painful. It does make sense to endure reasonable pain for a better happier future.
  
• Adaptability of your mind. Your biggest strength is that your mind adapts to what you do often and the more so, the more motivated you are. As you move up, your mental ability increases. This strength is also your biggest weakness as your mental ability decreases when you are frustrated or unmotivated. Your mind also adapts to negative thinking. Thus it is important to think positive!
  
• Break circles of thought. If you realize that you think or fear the same again and again, break out of it by telling yourself: STOP, NO WORRIES. Divert your thoughts away from a circle of thought. The Mental survival activities or Exercise activities below may be of help to distract you.
  
• Mental survival activities. Develop one or more mental activities which can occupy your mind and give you a sense of calmness and accomplishment. One activity should be as simple as possible in order to be performable at any time. Exercise these activities regularly. Examples are: writing poems, writing down feelings, drawing, a journal and reading. Use the Exercise activities below as alternative and for backup. Be prepared and never run out of supplies to perform these activities. These activities train you on focusing your mind and give you a sense of accomplishment.
  
• Exercise activities. Develop an interest in one or more physical activities and perform these regularly. Examples are push-ups, sit-ups, running, swimming and biking. At least have one activity you can perform in your room and one out-door activity. Exercise is healthy and gives you a sense of accomplishment.
  
• Be sure you have enough sleep. Sleep deprivation makes manic and leads to countless secondary problems from anxiety, over-acting, over-excitement, over-thinking to under-performing. If you can't sleep, perform Mental survival activities and/or Exercise activities until you relax enough to fall asleep. Given training and experience, you will relax and fall asleep! No pills needed!
  
• KISS - Keep It Simple Stupid. Do not over-act, over-excite or over-think.
  
• Help - If you have questions or need help, please post or seek professional help!
  

ill see if there are any psychotherapist's around here, and try to talk to them, but i still dont think that is going to help

She is 16, please look at this Suicidal thoughts.

We always will be here for you.

ill see if there are any psychotherapist's around here, and try to talk to them, but i still dont think that is going to help

Thats the attitude you need to banish, the earlier and more completely the better. You have your heart set on being uncurable. If it stays that way it wont.

In short: You will be uncurable only IF you think you are.

how can you cure something if u dont know what is wrong

You have to tell us what's wrong.

Have you read the thread, you can see there how it works.

Thats why you go to a psychotherapist, he'll find out whats wrong. You, even if you did know what was wrong, can't cure it yourself.

Knowing whats wrong has nothing to do with thinking yourself as uncurable.

the problem is i dont really know whats wrong, i dont know why i cut, why im depressed, why im suicidal, ect...

Well then, tell him that. Theres so many small things at work that you're not aware of. His job is to discover and interperet all of these things. You dont need to know why.

Just like you dont need to know why you're throwing up every 45 seconds, thats the job of a trained doctor to figure out.

sry but i dont have much faith in doctors

You do know but you want to forget. OK, some questions.

How is your family, your mom and dad?

Have you any history of trauma like accidents, physical abuse, sexual abuse or ridicule?

How is your family, your mom and dad?

Have you any history of trauma like accidents, physical abuse, sexual abuse or ridicule?

my parents are divorced. i mainly live w/ my mom(and her boyfriend), but go w/ my dad every other weekend. i dont have a very good relationship w/ either of them, rarely talk to them about anything anymore.

i have been ridiculed a bit by kids at school(but woopdidoo who hassnt) and i had a 4-wheeler roll over on top of me when i was like 5(i am extremely paranoid about being in a car crash...). i have never been abused. but sometimes it feels like i have; i flinch and move away from people if they touch me(any contact, even if someone just poke me in the arm with a pencil or something)

Well, I guess you are quite lonely at home and school.

Do your mom/bf respect you and treat your reasonably well or is there lots of shouting at home? Anyone shouts at you all the time?

This accident must have been shocking!, how did that happen?

w/ the accident thing, i was trying to ride around a hill, the 4-wheeler turned too much, went up the hill(which was probally about a 90 degree incline) and flipped over on top of me. i dont remember it being that "shocking" and i got right back up and kept riding(after my parents flipped it back over)

there isnt really any shouting, but i dont exactly do what my mom asks/tells me to do. i get along pretty well with her bf, he "jokes" about alot of stuff, which kinda pisses me off(but me ignoring him pisses him off more)

sry but i dont have much faith in doctors

You'll have to learn to live with what you have then instead of asking for help then denying people the chance to give you just that.

Well, a little friction with parents is normal. I have a step daughter who is almost 15. I encourage her to learn and find her path.

What makes you angry?

What makes you cry?

What makes you angry?

What makes you cry?

hmm...one thing that makes me angry is how my sister's bf treats her(but im not going in to details w/ that).

different things make me cry at different times. sometimes tears just start streaming down my face, and im not really sad about anything. i also cry alot when i havnt seen my boyfriend in a while(over the summer hes been living 3 hours away, and he has come home every 3 weeks or so), the tears usually start after the second week. i cry whenever im just about to cut, cuz i know he really doesnt like me hurting myself

What makes you laugh?

my boyfriend can always make me laugh, no matter what mood im in

Some ideas about depression: I want to find broken expectations of you.

Depression - balance yourself

What is depression? Depression is a mental pain caused by an imbalance between expectations and ability. To make the pain go away, one has to improve ones ability (do better) and/or change ones expectations. In other words, to avoid depression, one ought to balance ability and expectations. Balance is it, as so often in life.

Ability Improving ones ability (doing better) can include for example overcoming lethargy, exercise, work better (often less hours!), learning new things, developing interests and hobbies, spending less time on unproductive and draining favorites like TV, RPG, online, party and hanging out, spending more time with loved ones and strong friends.

Expectations

Self-esteem and self-worth always are part of ones "basic" expectations.

Change is cure. These ideas are by no means novel. Change requires patience and persistence as it's the case with all success. And there will be setbacks, it will take time to heal.

i have really low self-esteem and self-worth