Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 11

Thread: abused boyfriend

  1. #1
    Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2006
    Posts
    4
    Gender
    Female

    abused boyfriend

    I found this forum today and decided to post this and see what you people think.

    Topics: My boyfriend was abused and abused me, I'm still with him and we're working on having a healthy relationship, we're seeing a relationship therapist but he's never dealt with the abuse that happened to him (the therapy is mostly about me). MIGHT BE TRIGGERING.

    I've been with C for two years. On our third date we were making out in the back of his car and he grabbed me and threw me down accross the seat and - I don't know how to talk about this, the word I find most practical is "rape", so he tried to rape me (I didn't want it, I was struggling, he tried to...yeah, rape) - I grabbed the door handle and fell out of the car and asked him what the hell was going on. He realised what he had done and started crying and we talked about it - I don't remember exactly what was said but it was along the lines of me telling him "Okay, that was not appropriate, never do that again, I need to know why you thought that was appropriate and we need to talk about appropriate sexual behaviors."

    He told me (maybe then, maybe later, I don't remember when he first told me) that his older brother raped him frequently when they were young. Over the past two years he's slowly told me more and more when he remembers - sometimes he has flashbacks and tells me, and then I have questions and if he's okay talking about it we do. C identifies as bisexual (I'm a girl, by the way), his first love was a boy. He said he remembered enjoying what his brother did to him (or made him do)*, but that when he realised he was in love with a boy and realised that and what his brother did was "gay" he started hating the brother because so many social influences were telling him that homosexuality is wrong.

    Many of his relationships have been abusive - his first girlfriend used to start to jerk him off and then punch him, he raped his next girlfriend, and so on until the girl he was with for three years before me, who pretty much let him rape her all the time. (I was close to them when they were together, I saw how it worked, they had nonexistant communication skills). His family isn't very emotionally close - his father has Aspergers and molested his older sister, his mother is very cold, harsh and crude (and when the sister told her about the father, the mother refused to listen), his grandparents insult him every time they see him, but there are family get-togethers every few months so dealing with them is a frequent struggle.

    Last night he put all the pieces together for me. Since we see his brother and his partner very often, and since their interactions are civil and friendly, I struggle with trying to figure out how to feel about the brother. I go through phases of liking him for being an interesting person with whom I have a lot in common (we both knit), and then wanting to murder him - like when C and I were cleaning out his parents house after the brother moved out, and we found a stash of gay incest porn. I was telling C last night that I have a very hard time understanding what made his brother think it was okay to do what he did, and C told me that when they were very young, before the abuse started, they stayed with a babysitter who made them act sexually with each other.

    So I understand that the brother was doing what was done to him. I have understood that C, in turn, was doing what was done to him...I understand his feelings that he couldn't control himself, and his feelings of guilt and shame, I understand the repression and I understand the resentment he feels toward his mother and toward nearly every authority figure in his life. We developed very strict rules about communication and sexual activity, I think that helped teach him how to have a healthy sexual relationship. Now I'm starting to deal with some of my own problems (treatment for a mental disorder I turned out to not have, abandonment issues, other things arising from C's treatment of me early in the relationship), we're seeing a relationship therapist to deal with some mutual anger problems and my stuff. I struggle with feeling like he doesn't love me and being afraid of him in the mornings. He used to rape me while I was asleep. His previous girlfriend let him do it (she told me she hated it but never told him), and I didn't realise it was happening for a while. He would be half-asleep and start f-ing me, and then stop when I started to wake up. I started waking up more quickly and panicking. A few times I woke up to it and immediately (accidently? you know that period between sleeping and waking, when you panic?) punched him in the face, so now we set an alarm so we wake up at the same time and it doesn't happen, and we have a rule that if he wakes up first it's okay to rub my back (only) until I wake up, and then he can ask if I'm interested in more.

    He's never seen a psychiatrist specifically about what his brother did, and he doesn't think it's neccesary. I tell him that he needs to come to terms with what happened, that he needs to understand how it affected him and what he can do to heal. But since we're very adept at communicating and making adjustments when neccesary, it's hard to see what a psychiatrist would help with. I know that I can't handle everything although I'm the sort of person to try to fix the world.

    I'm still with him because he has consistently been willing to communicate, to make suggestions and accept them, to try to modify his behavior or help me modify mine. I'm still with him because I love him, and if we were to break up it would be even harder for us to deal with our problems. So, what do you all think? Are any of you involved in healing a relationship with someone who abused you? Are any of you involved with a person who was abused?

    *That's the hardest part - I don't know what to think when C tells me that he remembers enjoying it. I don't feel anything about it, just blank.

  2. #2
    Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2005
    Age
    42
    Posts
    248
    I don't know where to start. This is a horrible situation to be in, and I really, really, really think you need to end it. He needs intensive therapy, and he needs to heal on his own before he gets involved in another relationship. Maybe I'm seeing things too black and white, but my feeling is that if a relationship is abusive, it's not one that should be sustained.

    Does your relationship counsellor know he's been raping you, that he has a history of raping women? If he or she does, I have a hard time imagining that he or she would suggest you stay in the relationship. Rape is a criminal act. It's not right to allow this to keep going on.

    As for your bf's recollection of him enjoying what his brother did to him --- I'm no psychologist, but I've heard that some kids who are molested enjoy the PHYSICAL sensations that the touching produces. This is what fuels their shame and makes them question whether or not it was wrong. but bottom line: it WAS totally and completely wrong for his brother to have done that to your bf.

    Honestly, I have to wonder why it is you love him exactly, and if these feelings you identify as love are really something else --- self preservation, dependence, etc. Love should not make you feel scared or be painful.

    I admire your efforts to build boundaries with him and to " teach " him to act in appropriate ways with you. Maybe I'm wrong here, but I really don't think that should be your job. Teaching him how to be in a relationship is happening at the cost of your own psychological and physical well being. He needs professional help to deal with his abuse and heal his own patterns. And you need to continue seeing a therapist as well for your own issues.

    My heart goes out to you, it sounds like an excrutiating situation to be in. I wish you the best of luck.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Scout's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2004
    Location
    Colorado
    Age
    50
    Posts
    6,939
    Gender
    Female
    It must have been very difficult for you to just share all this. I...can't say I really know where to begin, either. I guess my first thought is, never mind what happened to him in his past to make him the way he is - rather, what has happened to you in your past that has led you to being in a relationship with a rapist? Did you by any chance suffer any kind of abuse? Have some kind of traumatic childhood event?

    I know that "rapist" is a hard word to use, but since the step has been made to be unflinchingly honest, let's go with it and see where it takes us. You're in a safe, supportive environment here at eNotalone, I can assure you.

  4. #4
    Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2005
    Age
    42
    Posts
    248
    I just reread my post to you, elliotsuitcase, and I just wanted to apologize if it came off as self righteous and judgemental. Thanks for trusting us all enough to be open about what you are going through. It's an incredibly difficult situation and I'll always be glad to lend you an ear.

  5.  

  6. #5
    Platinum Member RayKay's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2004
    Location
    Middle of Canada
    Age
    40
    Posts
    12,868
    Gender
    Female
    Wow.

    All I can really say is...he does need to see a professional about what his brother did, and the abuse he has experienced. Because it is absolutely NOT fair to you to be raped...yes, you are his gf, but that does NOT mean it is not rape.

    He needs professional help, it is NOT your role to fix him, or all his past, and even if you try, I don't think you will ever be able to sweetie. You should not have to "teach" someone how to treat you.

    He undoubtedly needs help...but from a professional. And someone outside the situation. He is raping you, yet you are the one "counselling" him - do you see how twisted of a situation that really is? Until he admits he needs therapy, there is little that will change.

    I too am very curious as to what leads you to stay with someone whom showed at the very outset they were capable of these actions (ie on the third date...I would of ran for the hills). I worry you are with him out of dependency, because this is such an emotionally and pyschologically damaging relationship to be in.

    Love does not have this kind of pain, confusion and abuse.

  7. #6
    Bronze Member colors's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
    Age
    37
    Posts
    223
    I agree with ray kay.

    I also resepect & admire what you are doing for him & your attempt to help him.
    But sweetie I fear that this is beyond what you can do for him, what has happened is serious & require professional help (I'm inclinded to believe that even a "professional" can not fix this, only God)
    You are strong & loving women look into the spiritual world see what is really going on....and protect yourself.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Ash's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2003
    Location
    Ontario, Canada
    Age
    56
    Posts
    1,786
    Gender
    Male
    Are you, or do you ever see yourself getting what YOU need out of this relationship. Based on what you have written I'd have to observe that you are making a difference in his life, and some of his behaviours are now more controlled and more understood and this is good. He's headed in the right direction. Professional counseling may be helpful to further this process.

    However, relationships should at some point be mutual. There is a "you" to be concerned about. It's wonderful to help him and love him in the process, but at the end of the day do you feel happy and fulfilled? At some point you should. You (especially you for what you're doing to help another) deserve this.

  9. #8
    Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2006
    Posts
    4
    Gender
    Female
    I'm having a hard time writing an addition to this...

    I love him. He is amazingly accepting of my problems (while I wouldn't call my childhood abusive, it certainly wasn't healthy), my interests and my personal growth. I doubt I could find another person with whom I could be this open (and who would be as open with me), with whom I could experience what I've experienced, who would be this willing to support me in anything I do (while defining clearly his comfort levels and limits and always carefully accepting mine), who supports me financially when neccesary but also pushes me to be financially independent when possible, who knows when to push me and when to hold me, and about whom I know the same, who in everything supports me when I need support but pushes me to be independent when I need to be pushed.

    At the same time, the qualities that allowed us to create a wonderful, healthy relationship, when taken in excess can create an unhealthy, mutually abusive relationship. The willingness to critique and accept criticism can go overboard, and we're experiencing that now. I'm working with a therapist (who has counseled us together previously), and I'm starting to become more independent of him, starting to be Me instead of C's Emotional Support. Since I told him a few nights ago that I cannot keep trying to fix his hurt, that he needs to turn to a professional for that now, he is becoming withdrawn. He doesn't trust me anymore, he feels rejected, he tells me that I hate him, he accuses me of causing his problems and says the abuse didn't affect him, that it wasn't a problem until I came along and told him he was abusive...

    I know that there are several options: he could continue the way he has continued, repressing his memories and feelings about them, blaming other people for his emotions and faking the "happy face" around his brother and family, being "stunted" emotionally and in social skills, hating his mother for not stopping the abuse and having a terrible relationship with his parents because of that, possibly returning to his abusive tendancies. Or he could go to the therapist because I suggested it, and say what he thinks I or the therapist want him to say, not feeling it and not fully participating, just learning to fake it all until he explodes from the pressure of pretending. Or I could grow apart from him while he stays the same, and we would break up. Or, it could get worse before it gets better, but he could understand the necessity of counseling and begin to heal himself.

    I'm afraid of all those bad things happening, and feel that I can't have any hope of the last option occurring.

    Oh, and as for answers:

    Scout, While my childhood was not what I would cal abusive, it was certainly unhealthy. My mother is bipolar and was untreated until she met my stepfather when I was three. They raised me with the constant fear that I had an emotional disorder just because my mother did, and resorted to treating any "problem" with medication. My father's doctor friend prescribed inappropriate medication for my mother (antidepressants in bipolar persons cause rapid cycling, they need a mood leveler instead), and prescribed, in order from when I was nine until I was eighteen, no two at the same time: Ritalin, Zoloft, Lexapro, Celexa and Seroquel at my father's slightest suggestion. You can probaby imagine the effect unneccesary mind altering drugs had on me. I have codependant tendancies and passive aggressive tendancies and a complex around validating my emotions. Don't worry, I'm seeing a wonderful therapist. I think my history certainly contributed to my decision to accept all of my partner, even his unhealthy behaviors, and allowed me to believe that it could be "dealt with".

    <b>Cyberchick,</> Your response, while a little self-rightous and judgemental (but isn't everything judgemental?), was perfectly understandable and correct considering the context. Thank you for your response - being presented with something I disagree very strongly with (such as the idea that a relationship with abusive tendancies is never worth continuing) challenges me to question my beliefs and refine my understanding

    <b>RayKay,</b> "He is raping you, yet you are the one "counselling" him - do you see how twisted of a situation that really is? Until he admits he needs therapy, there is little that will change...Love does not have this kind of pain, confusion and abuse.

    He is not raping me, he has in the past attempted to rape me. Yes, it's probably twisted, and yes, until he admits he needs therapy there is little that will change. Love doesn't have pain, confusion and abuse, but I believe it does have the kind of fufillment, acceptance, excitement and happiness I experience with C. I think life has pain, confusion, and that people often unwillingly, unintentionally or unknowingly hurt one another.

    colors, I have been religious in the past but I am currently finding spiritual fufillment in Buddhist philosophy. Thank you for your comment, having someone call me strong and say they respect and admire me and what I am doing really means a lot to me.

    Ash, yes (second paragraph). Thank you.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Scout's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2004
    Location
    Colorado
    Age
    50
    Posts
    6,939
    Gender
    Female
    Elliotsuitcase, you are in complete denial about the gravity of your situation. You are reasoning everything out, and I bet it's because in your childhood this was a behavior that was encouraged in you, what with all the medication, the pseudo-diagnoses of you and your family, etc., etc.

    You said in your first post he did rape you in your sleep. And that he did it to another woman.

    What is holding you back from facing the hard facts here? This man is a very, very sick individual. He needs therapy, in fact, he needs in-house treatment, because he is a prime candidate to become a serial rapist or killer.

    And you are enabling that by staying with him, by reasoning out his behavior because of his past, and essentially making every excuse you can desperately think of for his sickness.

    If you think you can "cure" him, you are dead wrong. Instead, you are now caught up in his sickness.

    What if you get pregnant by this man? Would you seriously feel safe allowing your children to be alone with him? If so, God help them.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Hope75's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2004
    Location
    kitteh ville
    Age
    43
    Posts
    12,743
    Gender
    Female
    I was shocked by how calm and calculated you seem about this situtation. It's almost as if YOU have detached, and are looking at it from an outside perspective, and not actually physically and emotionally involved in it. You are trying to rationalize everything he's done to you- trying to look at it from a psychological perpective- and seperating the fact that YOU are being abused, YOU are in danger, YOU have been victimized. Even the title of your thread: "abused boyfriend" speaks volumes. What about YOU? The abuse YOU have suffered?

    You sound like his therapist, not someone who is deeply involved with him and a victim of his abuse.

    I have to agree with Scout that you seem in deep denial of what you are going through.... I suspect it is a defense mechanism because if you actually faced what he has done.... you would have to leave him and would feel completely destroyed that someone you trusted and loved did this to you... and that you allowed it by continuing to stay with him. This is NOT love, NOT healthy, NOT functional, and no amount of rationalization will make it so. You are not fooling anybody, except maybe yourself.

    Honey, I have been there. I was with a man who suffered an abusive childhood for 5 years. He lived with me, we were engaged, and I was much like you, his therapist and caretaker for all of those years. During that time he beat and raped me too. I thought it was because of what he had been through, and because the abuse that happened to him was not his fault... that the abuse he was doing to me was not his fault. I thought that together, we could save him from his past. I put myself second to him to try and accomplish that. I rationalized his abuse. I was wrong.

    Like your bf, my ex needed professional counseling and psychotherapy to deal with his past.... and he also did not feel it would help him. After 5 years together and him almost killing me... I was forced to realize that no matter WHAT happened in his past... that was NOT an excuse for him abusing and raping me. And the same holds true for your bf.

    You need to get out of that situation.

    Just for a moment, stop trying to rationalize what he's done to you, and look at it in black and white for what it is. Are you terrified by what you see?

    I would be.
    Last edited by Hope75; 08-18-2006 at 01:22 PM.

Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •