Things CAN get worse...

This is my first time posting under this username, but I am no stranger to this site. I have written about my complicated situation many times, but I'll try to summerize the best I can since I am starting fresh.

My ex and I were together for 2+ years. Our relationship was awesome, but then he started lying little by little. I caught him, but it wasn't a big deal until he lied about his relationship with his exgf. I had problems with this, so I broke up with him. He promised to change, so I took him back. I got pregnant (OOPS). He then changed back to the person I didn't like.

He started lying more, yelling at me, acting violent, using drugs more. He got us kicked out of our apartment for yelling at me. I left and stayed with my family to get away from it. We were having our share of trouble but he kept trying to get me back. I realized how bad he was for me and how it seemed like he just wanted me to find him a place to live (again) and pay his rent (again), but I wanted to believe it was because he loved me. Very wrong.

Things took a turn for the worse this weekend. I was at our apartment to pack while he wasn't there. I went on the computer and somehow logged in under his username. I really didn't try to crack it, but yeah, I snooped. I couldn't believe what I found.

He had an account with about every "hook up for casual sex with locals" site there was. There were the most raunchy things written in his profile, even how he likes sex without condoms. He had pictures posted on all of these of his very aroused manhood. I had full access to his email too, so I was able to get into each of these accounts. I read the messages to/from other girls and he was trying SO hard to meet up with them. I know there were more, but these he saved. In his email he had responded to ads on craigslist in the "casual encounters" section, as well as posting his own. He apparently wanted an 18 or older girl for all night filthy sex. I still feel sick to my stomach.

He did all this while living in MY apartment that I payed rent for while I am pregnant with his kid. I am still in shock.

I left and he called when he got home. I confronted him. He said I was crazy and he didn't know what I was talking about. I told him I would email him the evidence. He still denied it until I actually did, then he got SO MEAN. He said "da** right I did!" He said it was my fault because I left and he "wasn't getting any". He told me I made him feel lonely. He told me every guy does this. He said he knew I do it too. He told me he's not moving out and and sorry if it screws me over (I'm the only one on the lease.) He told me he wished he never met me and he doesn't want to be a parent with me and I need to do whatever I can to "kill it" so we have no ties. I told him maybe adoption, but then he said he would just take it. All this because he was looking for sex.

He called me the next morning when he realized I changed all his passwords and all his profiles now indicated he liked men, as well as other things. He threatened to email my family our "home videos" as well as post them on the internet. Good thing I deleted them before I left that day...

I went to our apartment the next day to separate our stuff. He was being so nice. I broke down and could barely talk. He started rubbing my stomach and crying and telling me how he wants to be good parents with me. He told me he doesn't think it's really over between us. My older brother called and heard me crying and came over. My ex left. My brother and I packed my stuff and moved it out.

My ex called me last night and told me that one of his friends was helping him move and he'll be out today. He told me he wants us to go to counseling because he loves me so much it hurts. I know I can't ever be with him again. I loathe him. I checked today and he's still on 2 adult friend-finder websites. I feel like I'm going to be sick.

I am too far along to get an abortion unless I travel out of state and have a late-term one. I still feel that it would destroy me inside to do that. However I feel that it is going to be so unfair to bring a baby into the world like this. I know that I will love this baby and do everything for it that can be done because I REALLY want it, but is it wrong to do this to a helpless child?

I have never hurt so much in my life.

Hey honey,

Bottom line is he has proved over and over again what a worthless partner he is, he is absolutely NOT respectful towards you or this child, he is completely fine if everything is on HIS terms, and shows you he wants you only when he LOSES CONTROL OVER YOU.

He is SHOWING you how he wants to (if he has not) cheat (get yourself tested for everything under the sun sweetie!).

I would not even consider counselling WITH him, but I sure would consider it for myself at this point. You need that strength and courage, and it may help you get this toxic, abusive, narcisstic, sick guy out of your life.

As for the baby, it is 100% your choice, do not go against what you feel is right for you. Regardless of how crappy this child's father is, it will know YOUR love and know it is wanted by YOU. Would he consider signing over his parental rights by any chance? You would lose child support if he did, but sure would lose a toxic bum. While having a father in your childs life would be great, it does not mean it has to be such a selfish, toxic, abusive jerk....in fact it should not be in my opinion.

You, and the baby, deserve better. I really hope this time you do find that courage to absolutely keep him out of your life and to stop listening to his B.S. that he brings up time and time again, and proves time and time again IS just B.S.

Sorry to be adamant, but I just know this has been going on, I know how he has acted and I think it is absolutely horrible - he only cares about himself and what the world can do for HIM. And it is not going to end well for you or the baby if you don't move forward from this guy.

I am too far along to get an abortion unless I travel out of state and have a late-term one. I still feel that it would destroy me inside to do that. However I feel that it is going to be so unfair to bring a baby into the world like this. I know that I will love this baby and do everything for it that can be done because I REALLY want it, but is it wrong to do this to a helpless child?

Do not have an abortion unless you are absolutely sure beyond a shadow of doubt that you are doing the right thing.

I don't plan on EVER being with this creep again. I just let him play the "nice card" because I knew it would help get him out of the apartment. MEAN GUY - "No way, I'll never leave!" NICE GUY - "Yeah I'll go right now, I don't want to cause you pain.." Blah blah blah. He's like clockwork.

I definently plan on getting tested for everything. I have consistently until recently and now I have a baby at risk. He is so disgusting.

I can't get him to sign over his rights, I already tried. I told him no way was I getting an abortion, but feel free to pretend this never happened and walk away. He said he's going to be a great father to this kid but he will make my life a living hell.

I still have to go talk to a lawyer. It's times like these that I'm happy the court system is tilted more in the mother's favor. He's on probation, he uses drugs, he rarely has a stable place to live (unless a gf is providing that.) I will fight to the death for this kid and I have a very stable place to live plus I know I will be able to make it on my own. I do not use drugs, I have no criminal past, nothing. I am going to be an excellent mother and there would be no way he can take this baby from me. He should know that already.

I'm a very nice person and I cannot even begin to understand how someone can be so mean and twisted.

My landlord called me today and I avoided her call. I'm so afraid that he's not going to get out and I don't know what to tell her. I tried calling the apartment but the phone just rang. Maybe he packed everything including the phone and he is no longer there. One can only hope.

Thanks DN, I really feel abortion is wrong for me. I just know what it's like growing up in a happy family and I always wanted to provide that for my kids. I don't want it to have issues because of it's father or if I screw up at being a single parent somehow.

I REALLY want it, but is it wrong to do this to a helpless child?

A child is never helpless when it has a mother who loves and cares for it. If you REALLY want it, then keep it. when you have your child in your arms, it will be all that matters.

abortion is never a choice simply becasue it is a selfish murder...it is not the helpless child's fault you are pregnant..and yes your childs life may be difficult but that is better than no life at all...you'd be cheating a human out of the right to live and experience life. If you love the child that much than consider adoption so it would have a better life. I know you wouldn't want to let your child go..but what is better..letting him/her live with others where they have a chance for happiness..or just don't let him/her live at all...Go ahead and see the abortion websites and see the pain you'd be putting another human through...tearing..burning..or suffication..Your baby had a heart beat before you even knew you were pregnant..and all he/her knows is yours..I understand you want what is best..but what is iniside you is a human with a soul and only God has the right to decide when his/her life shall end. I hope I've opened your eyes so you can see what you'd be taking away..a human..their chance to speak.. to fall in love..help others..have children..smile.. Good Luck

Please don't get me wrong as I do NOT want to start an abortion debate.

This is not whether I think abortion is murder or not. I COMPLETELY respect a woman's right to choose, especially now since I have walked in these shoes and know just how hard it is. I have no idea what the women are going through who choose abortion. Some are in a much tougher situation than mine.

However, it is not right for me and I know that.

Earlier in my post I also wrote how adoption is not an option for me because my ex said he will take the baby away and I will not let that happen.

I know all the facts, I have listened to my baby's heartbeat. I do respect your opinion as well, but that really isn't what this is about.

No abortion debates please.

I think based on your own words, you have a choice, the making of which will in no way be simple: allow someone to adopt your child; or prepare to raise it without him. Your own words already indicate you don't want to abort. If having an abortion is going to take that kind of toll on you emotionally, then why would you consider it. If he won't let you adopt, the choice seems made.

Good luck.

He seems like an immature and scared little boy not wanting to face up to his responsibilities. I doubt he is ready to face raising the child. If you really want to consider adoption, then his bluff may be likely to collapse.

I wasn't trying to debate..I'm sorry if I offended you..I just would hate to know a life is getting wasted. Good luck with your situation..I'll pray that it all works out for the best.

I think based on your own words, you have a choice, the making of which will in no way be simple: allow someone to adopt your child; or prepare to raise it without him. Your own words already indicate you don't want to abort. If having an abortion is going to take that kind of toll on you emotionally, then why would you consider it. If he won't let you adopt, the choice seems made.

 

Good luck.

 

He seems like an immature and scared little boy not wanting to face up to his responsibilities. I doubt he is ready to face raising the child. If you really want to consider adoption, then his bluff may be likely to collapse.

I don't want to abort, but I can't do adoption. He will take it. He won't let me give it to someone who can raise it better than us. And I can't give him my baby, he doesn't even know what love is or how to think of anyone other than himself. He has a daughter already who is wonderful and I adore her, but she is messed up from being tossed back and forth between him and the mother she has.

I don't have answers for any of the questions people ask me, and I just feel so stupid. I'm moving out of my place back into my mom's, and now I have to tell everyone at work that I'm pregnant. I feel so stupid like I'm making a bad decision. Everyone tried to tell me abortion was best for a person in my position, but I couldn't do it. I got all the way down to the clinic but couldn't go through with it. Now the few people I have told act like "well, congratulations I guess" because they think I should have aborted it. This should be a happy time. I always wanted to be excited when I got pregnant, and I am...but I feel guilty being excited. Like this is the selfish choice or the irresponsible one since it will be so difficult.

I wasn't trying to debate..I'm sorry if I offended you..I just would hate to know a life is getting wasted. Good luck with your situation..I'll pray that it all works out for the best.

No, you didn't offend me. I respect your opinion. I know abortion isn't right for me and I felt the things you said when I made that decision. I just don't want any lost girl who reads this going through something similar to feel like she is being forced into something she potentially may not want (like having a baby). I just know how hard the decision was for me, that's all.

Selfish? It seems like you are ready to take on a monumental task which will cost you an immense amount of time, money and emotion, and for which you will not get any compensation, other than we would hope the love of your child and their appreciation for a job well done, or done as well as you could do it. Why in the world would anyone ever consider that selfish? It's the furthest thing in the world from it.

He moved out of the apartment. I am officially out of that place. I am so exhausted...

He thinks we're going to work it out somehow. I went over there to finish packing up his stuff and make sure everything was clean, and he's being so super nice. His friends were there and his daughter and he told them all that I'm pregnant so they are giving me special treatment. All this right after he told me to "kill it".....

When my ex left to go pick up his daughter, his best friend and I were there alone. He told me that if I EVER needed ANYTHING, just let him know. He wasn't joking, anything at all, he said. He also told me that he knows how my ex can be, so he understands that it's so hard for me.

At least I'm out of the apartment for good. No surprises when I come home, no phone calls from his ex's in the middle of the night, no anxious feelings in the pit of my stomach right before I drive up. That's no way to live.

All I wanted was to be with him, and every time I am I get hurt. I do love him, but he just treats me good/really bad/good/really bad/really really bad. He's no good for me, but why do I still feel like I want him?

Why do you still have a desire to be with him? Because what he did is addictive. People who are abused don't just get up and leave, because they get hooked. They don't get hooked onto the bad stuff, they get hooked onto the good things. When the good things come they get an emotional high. When the abuse comes they feel lower, they feel tension, then they get a high. The lower they are, the bigger the high feels. And the bigger the ighs get, the more it is addicting.

Get rid of the addiction, now.

His best friend sounds like someone who is nice and decent.

SO GLAD HE IS OUT OF THERE HONEY!

Beec is right, you are in the cycle of abuse still, and you are still addicted to the highs, and to approval from the one whom abuses and treats you so bad. He is so two faced though, it sounds like even his friend knows it!

Time to leave your ex in the past, who cares if he thinks it will work out, it is time to know for yourself it won't. Past experience has shown you over and over he is manipulative and will not change.

Good luck, the future is looking brighter. I am proud of you.

A child is never helpless when it has a mother who loves and cares for it. If you REALLY want it, then keep it. when you have your child in your arms, it will be all that matters.

I totally agree!!!!!

And remember things won't alway be like this.

All I wanted was to be with him, and every time I am I get hurt. I do love him, but he just treats me good/really bad/good/really bad/really really bad. He's no good for me, but why do I still feel like I want him?

I was once told.

When your with the right person bad times, are hard.

But when you with the wrong person - bad times, are REALLY bad.

I found it really true.

It's normal to still want him. in time that will fade. maybe it's more so wanting him to return the feelings you felt for him. Wanting him to want you & love you & respect you the way you did him.

It's not going to happen though. He's not a person of good character, good morals and you know that. and are seeing it more all the time....wow! I'm sorry for all your going through.

Accept that you may never have approval from him and know in your heart you don't need it!

You are wonderful, strong & beautiful mother without him.

p.s that's wonderful he's out of your place now

okay Another reply (:

I really feel abortion is wrong for me. I just know what it's like growing up in a happy family and I always wanted to provide that for my kids. I don't want it to have issues because of it's father or if I screw up at being a single parent somehow.

hun, this was my fear too.

your heart is in this & you have amazing amounts of patients. You can't screw up. God knew what he was doing when he planted that child in you, trust him. You CAN give this child that happy family that you want & that you grew up with.

the father being a screw up...it's a challenge. but it won't inhibit this child from being all he can be & being happy. You have more to offer this child than you can see right now... and in time (when the timing is right)you will find that perfect man that can help you creat the happy family you always wanted.

I know this is true, it's happened to me (: Plus you've got your family now that is a great support to you & influence in this childs life.

okay Another reply (:

 

hun, this was my fear too.

your heart is in this & you have amazing amounts of patients. You can't screw up. God knew what he was doing when he planted that child in you, trust him. You CAN give this child that happy family that you want & that you grew up with.

the father being a screw up...it's a challenge. but it won't inhibit this child from being all he can be & being happy. You have more to offer this child than you can see right now... and in time (when the timing is right)you will find that perfect man that can help you creat the happy family you always wanted.

I know this is true, it's happened to me (: Plus you've got your family now that is a great support to you & influence in this childs life.

Oh my gosh, thank you SO MUCH!! I started getting all teary-eyed. You are right in many ways. I just get so caught up in the things he says, like "why would you want to bring a child into this situation, it's just not fair, etc." He says those things because he knows how they will make me feel. He tells me that he's going to start the court battles immediately and won't stop like he did with the mother of his daughter. (He always went to court when he had to, but he never really started anything...) Then I get really scared that he's going to take the baby away from me, but then someone reminds me that there is no way a court would take a child from a good mother and put it into the hands of an abusive druggie without a home...

He just manipulates me so much, he has such a tight grip! I never dated mean guys before, they always were super sweet and wonderful and we always were friends after and they NEVER said hurtful things to me. But of course the one I'm having a kid with is mean and hurtful and self-centered.

When I told my brother (father of 4) that he was going to be an uncle, he started asking me about my now-ex. He then said it didn't matter what my ex did or thought, because now I'm going to have something bigger in my life that is more imporant than the both of us to worry about. Something that I won't let anybody mess with, something I will protect with everything I have. That stuck with me and I know it's true.

I feel so lost and it's SO scary...and I'm sure the pregnancy hormones aren't making this any easier...

Wow...after reading all of your troubles with this situation it only reiterated my belief that abortion would be wrong for me. There's a famous philosopher whom I've studied named Marquis and he said abortion is wrong just as killing is wrong for the sole reason that you're depriving the individual of their future. I don't wanna get into the whole abortion issue either but reading how you feel about this entire thing and the hope you have for a great life for you and your baby really makes things come to life...don't worry about the things you can't provide right away...provide all that you can NOW and then you'll know you did the BEST that you could. I respect you very much for being so strong

Your brother Rocks!!!!!

He's so right, it's so true.

Your ex knows how manipulate you & hurt you & sad to say, he's going to do it. The only way to fight that without compromising yourself is exactly what your brother said. Knowing that it doesn't matter what he says or thinks. (Really don't even entertain he's his words - look at his him & his life) You've got more important things to worry about, that's YOU & your child. Your child is feeling all you feel right now. He/she is a part of you, don't be scared.

As a child there is little he/she needs besides love & patients. And a mother that can teach right from wrong. You Have all of that and the strength to be it all.

And you're right courts will not take a child from a good mother and put it into the hands of an abusive druggie without a home..

You're safe. You'll be alright. Motherly instincts have kicked in & will only get stronger. Pray when you don't know what else to do.

hugs**

Wow...after reading all of your troubles with this situation it only reiterated my belief that abortion would be wrong for me. There's a famous philosopher whom I've studied named Marquis and he said abortion is wrong just as killing is wrong for the sole reason that you're depriving the individual of their future. I don't wanna get into the whole abortion issue either but reading how you feel about this entire thing and the hope you have for a great life for you and your baby really makes things come to life...don't worry about the things you can't provide right away...provide all that you can NOW and then you'll know you did the BEST that you could. I respect you very much for being so strong

 

Thanks...I don't feel very strong. I feel like a wooden board that is being bent so far in one direction that at any moment I'm going to splinter and break in half, but somehow I'm making it through. I'm glad that you feel strongly about your beliefs, but I hope that you are never tested like this. It sucks! Everyone should have at least the man who is there right beside you, holding your hand, buying you whatever you're craving in the middle of the night to share it with.

 

Your brother Rocks!!!!!

He's so right, it's so true.

Your ex knows how manipulate you & hurt you & sad to say, he's going to do it. The only way to fight that without compromising yourself is exactly what your brother said. Knowing that it doesn't matter what he says or thinks. (Really don't even entertain he's his words - look at his him & his life) You've got more important things to worry about, that's YOU & your child. Your child is feeling all you feel right now. He/she is a part of you, don't be scared.

As a child there is little he/she needs besides love & patients. And a mother that can teach right from wrong. You Have all of that and the strength to be it all.

And you're right courts will not take a child from a good mother and put it into the hands of an abusive druggie without a home..

You're safe. You'll be alright. Motherly instincts have kicked in & will only get stronger. Pray when you don't know what else to do.

hugs**

 

Thanks so much. I know my ex is going to hurt me. He's so sick. Sometimes I will be so strong at first, but then he just says more and more hurtful things, coming at every different angle he can until I'm bawling so hard I can't breathe. Only then he'll let up, if at all. He is toxic. He's poison to me. Yet....I still feel that tug on my heart when I think about him.

 

And you're right about the mother instincts! I feel like a complete mama bear in almost every aspect. I still haven't told anybody about this yet, and I'm already starting to show a little. I've been dealing with so much crap and adversity that I don't want to do it more than I have to. I just moved back into my mom's house, which is hard since I had my own place, I broke up with my boyfriend, and now to tell everyone I'm pregnant....I'll get bombarded with questions. I hate answering questions to people who I don't even care about, they don't care about me, and they are just going to judge me. At least I can live with myself...

. I talked to my ex tonight to tell him he left some of his stuff at the apartment and I'm going to pick it up tomorrow. He told me again about how he wants to be with me and I'm the best thing that has ever happened to him. He said he knows he was up for a long time but all he wants is to make it up to me and have a family. He knows he's getting older (he's going to be 30 when the baby is born) and it's time to put everything aside and concentrate on what's important, and that's a wife/family thing. He even said he was going to wait to get fixed (what he originally wanted) in case I want to have more kids in the future. AHHHHHHHH WHY don't I have the courage to just let him have it? Why can't I just stick up for myself and say "you treated me like garbage and I'm not taking it anymore, this is all BS and I know it!"?!?!

Why does he do this? This is EXACTLY what I want...I want to believe him so badly but I know in my gut that I can't!!! I want to believe he is going to change this time, and be the kind of man that I need him to be. I want to believe he will put my needs somewhere on his priority list. He's dangling what I want most right in front of my face but I know it's just an illusion. It will all disappear once I reach out to touch it, and then I would just be stuck with a new baby AND trying to pay his half of the rent as well as mine and deal with whatever crazy people are around (like his exgf). He'll probably just cheat on me and make me cry. He'll come home high on drugs and freak out when I ask him if he's high on drugs. He'll yell at me and say horrible things until I break. Then he'll blame everything on me and leave. But man oh man he knows how to play me too well.

I want to believe him so badly...my heart hurts...

All you need to tell him is that he is going to need to prove it, before he gets another chance. And, you will have a tough time believing.

Girl you're doing good! You are so wise, trust your gut.

And any time you're being tempted to take him back, re-read your second paragraph. You predict it perfectly. It will take years to change this behavior of his. it's not going to happen over night.

yeah you're right he does know how to play you...but you're getting to know his games (it's easier not to get tangeled up in it that way)

You dont need to put up with these games. If the apartment is in your name, as in you are on the lease, contact your landlord and tell him you want to end the lease. Pay whatever penalties you need to break the lease early if required. Explain to the landlord that your now EX is still there but you want no responsibility for the bills or for him from this point on. Your landlord can move him out.