Long term breakups common, but why?

I often hear about people going out for 2-4 years and then breaking up. I know I would be a complete wreck if I had gotten that attached to someone to stay with them for that long a time and we broke up. More than anything, it would make me feel tired, as though now I have to start all over again and the last however amount of years was just a waste of time. Of course, it makes you grow. But, it would make me feel drained. I would lose all hope of ever loving again for quite a while.

 

I have a couple of questions for you all who had GOOD long term relationships and have broken up.

 

What was the reason (or his/hers if you were the one let go) that caused you to end the relationship? What made you "give up"?

 

If you love a person and put up with the other persons shortcomings for that long a time, does that mean there has to be something major to break it up?

 

What made you stay so long if the relationship wasn't strong enough to begin with?

 

Do you regret anything?

 

Those of you who have been through LTRs and have since settled down, was it because you got older? Or stopped being choosy?

Wow... I was in a six and a half year relationship before we broke up. We had only broken up once before and that was my fault (Some other girl had been chasing me for months, so I finally gave in and broke up with my gf just to get the curiosity out of my head... we were back together within one week). Anyway, my girlfriend just broke up with me about a month and a half ago. I believe she broke up with me for a few reasons...

 

1) She had never dated anybody else and more importantly I was her best friend for six years... we spend almost all of our free time together. She recently went abroad for 9 months (changing locations and meeting different people ever 3 months), and I think she enjoyed her independence.

 

2) She's going through one of those major life changes right now... She's going into the working world for the first time. We're both 24 years old. I'm in law school and I'll have to be stuck in FL for one more year before I graduate. She'll be graduating this September and then she has to look for a job. The problem is that FL is a terrible place to do the kind of work she wants to do (Advertising), so she has to decide... will she pursue her career which she loves and feels like she has to give a shot since she's been in grad school studying to do this work for the past 2 years, OR does she come back and be with me for one year working at a crappy ad agency and THEN move to some big city with me after I graduate?

 

Right now the "ex" says she's extremely confused. She loves me and she's "in love with me," yet she says I don't have 100% of her love. I said the exact same thing when I had to break up with her to date that other girl (After I dated the girl I knew that my girlfriend was the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with... sometimes you dont know what you have until its gone).

 

Personally, I don't know what is going to happen. I suppose I'll know by September when she graduates. Either she'll come back to FL to be with me or she'll go find a job in some big city. Even if she DID decide to come back to FL to be with me, there would be serious issues I'd have to deal with...

 

1) How can I trust this girl? I was ready to marry her, then she just broke up with me after six and half years? How could I ever trust that she wouldn't just randomly break up with me again?

 

2) She did little things since we've been broken up that she knows I hate. Most people wouldn't care (she got drunk one time, and she took a mildly flirtatious picture or two with some of her friends). Either way, it pisses me off so I don't know if I would forgive her initially.

 

Bottom line... when somebody breaks up with you and its for real (as opposed to just some little fight), things change. Feelings change. Obviously the dumpee is confused or simply has made up their mind that they don't want to be in the relationship anymore. The dumpee feels remorse, guilt, anger, resentment. Its very difficult to get back to where the couple was before the breakup. But I guess that doesn't matter... who cares how each party feels. It doesn't make a difference because there is no "couple" until both parties decide they want to get back together again IF and when that happens.

Reason for split.

My ex's reason was because she felt she had "unfinished business". I was her first. 6 year friendship almost 4 year relationship gone. She recently was going out more (gym, friends, etc) because I work at night, and she likes the single feeling.

 

Does there have to be something Major?

I pondered what makes people who know so much about eachother just end everything, no friendship or anything. It's not that what they did was so terrible but that seeing/talking to that person reminds you of a more comfortable time. A time that is in the past. Thats why it's better to look away and move on and find something real.

 

Why stay around?

Being complacent made the relationship last as long as it did. I was numb to feelings because of work and lack of free time on my part. I spent any available time with her or at work which equals failure. I had no energy to really give to the relationship. Just being in that rut is enough for many people to stay and waste away their years.

 

Regret?

As much as my friends say it's not my fault I do regret being the way I was. I wasn't the fun loving guy I started out being or am turning into now. I let my situation dictate who I am, not anymore though. But I feel that if she was the one then it would of worked out. It failed for many reasons and they wern't all mine.

My ex and I split after 6 years because we wanted different things. He was overseas for a while and wanted to remain there. Also during that time, we found that what we wanted from and how we saw life was very different. I don't see it as us "giving up" on the relationship.

 

For me, it was because I loved that person so much that I was prepared to let them go and live the life they wanted.

 

I think we stayed together (even though we sensed the end was looming) because it was comfortable and ultimately, the friendship we had was great. Its hard coming to terms with the fact that the best thing for you isn't the best thing for the one you love.

 

There are many times when I feel like I shouldn't have let him go. But I keep reminding myself that life's too short to have regrets. I don't believe in the "one soulmate" concept, nor do I believe in a guy who is "perfect" for me. I believe its all about perspective and how you see things in life.

What was the reason (or his/hers if you were the one let go) that caused you to end the relationship? What made you "give up"?

 

If you love a person and put up with the other persons shortcomings for that long a time, does that mean there has to be something major to break it up?

 

What made you stay so long if the relationship wasn't strong enough to begin with?

 

Do you regret anything?

 

Those of you who have been through LTRs and have since settled down, was it because you got older? Or stopped being choosy?

 

I was in a relationship for about 2 yrs and 3 months. We broke up because we just decided that one of us would have to do a complete change to suit the other. We realized that there was nothing there for us.

 

I know I stayed in the relationship for so long because a break up would have meant change...can't have change! We lived in an apt together. I also stayed in the relationship for so long because I loved him. I understand now that it was only love for a person, like a good friend. I was never in love with him. I always knew in the relationship I would never marry him. I was just afraid of change.

 

Shortly after, I told him that I met a guy (who was to be nothing more than a friend for me). It made him VERY angry and he ended up starting some trouble at work for me and with a friend. It got so bad that I had phone calls at work (about 70 calls p/day) and someone was calling me a * * * * * and whispering my name and telling me what I was wearing (to prove they saw me everyday). I don't know who it was for sure, but I have a feeling he was behind it.

 

I also realized that when I would imagine marriage or kids with him, it would have me in a corner crying, thinking this is all life has??? I do not regret leaving him, because I found out about a month after we broke up that he got some girl pregnant...while we were still together. Being in a relationship like that has taught me that there is better out there and that I had to love myself enough to find it...and I found it!

 

Then shortly after, I met the man who is now my fiance. He makes me feel like the world is mine. He give me inspiration and makes me feel beautiful everday, whereas in my other relationship, just the occasional "you look ok" would have meant the world to me. My fiance loves me and I love him. We talk about getting married and having kids ALL the time! We've been together for almost 16 months. I feel safe with him, he makes me comfortable with myself in many ways. Another problem I always had with my ex was sex...if I tried to do something new, other than missionary, he would laugh at me. Oh, what laughing at someone does to them in bed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Riien lets me be...ME! I could go on about that wonderful man, but I'll just stop here. I'm sure everyone has gotten tired of me talking about him anway!

I often hear about people going out for 2-4 years and then breaking up. I know I would be a complete wreck if I had gotten that attached to someone to stay with them for that long a time and we broke up. More than anything, it would make me feel tired, as though now I have to start all over again and the last however amount of years was just a waste of time. Of course, it makes you grow. But, it would make me feel drained. I would lose all hope of ever loving again for quite a while.

Yes, I am with you.

I have a couple of questions for you all who had GOOD long term relationships and have broken up.

I am in my 3rd LTR over 2 years. I number these #1 1st wife, #2 2nd wife and #3=current gf for ease of reference. #1 @9+ years, #2 @7 years and #3 @9+ years. #2 and #3 were concurrent for 4 years!

What was the reason (or his/hers if you were the one let go) that caused you to end the relationship? What made you "give up"?

#1 left - First love/marriage failed due to illness. How long to get over it?

#2 left for another guy. Bigamy at least once!

#3 left 4 times for another guy but returned. Don't blame her, I was impossible to handle and had lot's of women.

If you love a person and put up with the other persons shortcomings for that long a time, does that mean there has to be something major to break it up?

Them leaving.

What made you stay so long if the relationship wasn't strong enough to begin with?

#2 two kids + one boy she made with another guy. I like him very much, #3 two kids plus her first daughter.

 

Do you regret anything?

Getting involved with #2 while being depressed over losing #1. My biggest mistake by far, and it cost me dearly. #2 was a physically abusive compulsory liar with a cheating family and history of substance abuse.

 

Those of you who have been through LTRs and have since settled down, was it because you got older? Or stopped being choosy?

Young/old does not matter. There are wizzard teens and 80 year old fools. I am contend and at peace and grew up a little bit.

 

All one can be is a healthy loving partner to ones healthy loving partner. Thinking positive, love, respect, care and good sex should be enough. But is it?

 

Food for thought:

• enivel: Karma story - THREE AND A HALF YEARS AND IT STILL COMES. BE A JERK AND YOUR EX WILL BE GLAD THEY LEFT YOU. BE A NEEDY FRIEND AND THEY'LL BE GLAD THEY LEFT YOU. GET ON WITH YOUR LIFE, IMPROVE YOURSELF, LEARN TO LIVE AGAIN, AND EVENTUALLY ALL THINGS COME BACK AROUND. BE PATIENT.
  
• melrich: We always deceive ourselves twice about the people we love - first to their advantage, then to their disadvantage.
  
• Momene: Don't criticise your partner's faults. It's because of them that they didn't get a better partner.
  
• We are too complex, educated, selfish and smart.
  
• We are too specialized and inflexible
  
• Conditioning for Bad Behavior??
  
• Accept Your Body and Learn to Have a Positive Self Image
  
• Should fame and fashion carry warning labels?
  
• Why are all the happy people happy?
  
• More in Wicked
  

LiFeLeSs_GaZe[X]']...By the way, today at work I met a 80 yr old man and his 78 yr old wife, It was so cute! He kept saying how amazing his wife is and that shes had cancer and all these other illnesses and shes never complained. They've been married for nearly 60 years! It was so sweet! Ive never seen a man talk about his wife the way he did. Yeh, I just though I would share that because I found it adorable

That's great, how they do it? Could you envite this enviable couple to join eNotAlone as special advisers?

Sometimes it just doesn't work out. I was in a 2.5+ year LTR. We seemed to have everything (compatible interests to a degree, enjoyed each other, in love, great sex life, similar outlook in life), but were unable to overcome any problems that cropped up between us (we never tried, or by the time I did, it was too late).

 

YES, I feel tired. But more than that, I feel that, after dating for 10 years and 2 serious (failed) relationships, perhaps I am too complex of a person to get along with and truly be happy with another human being. I don't need sex, and companionship has been proven to be more hassle and heartbreak than not. I've never been a socialite and am a very self-sufficient person. I feel I no longer need to delude myself into believing that there is a relationship out there for me that will do me better than staying alone. I know most people don't feel the way I do, but I'm not most people.

we broke up cos he left me for another woman after 11yrs...an old flame his first love of 24yrs ago...happened 3 and half months ago..so im notin another relationship..he lives with her...

Very interesting thread. I dont think there ever is any ONE reason why people break up. Everyone is such an individual, and when you bring two people together, it is always a unique situation because everyone has such different pasts, histories, and takes on thing.

 

Where I do see a lot of similarities is in the timing of things.

The 7 year thing is very much real. I dont know why, but I have SOOOO many friends who had broken up after 7 year relationships. Having gone through some amount of hell during my 7th year, I have come to learn that the * * * * actually starts happening around year 5, but you dont come to deal with it until later (because people have such a capacity for putting up with stuff).

 

Another "trigger point" seems to be around 3-6 months, when people have been dating for a while and it's time to decide if there is something more meaningful there that should be pursued further, or if there really isn't too much of a future and it's time to move on.

 

This seems to happen again around year 2-3, usually because at this point there is some pressure to move in together--but if one in the party isnt ready to do that (i.e. has doubts about their level of committment), it can be a source of stress and friction.

I'm in a long distance relationship and all of the sudden I am scared that the things we want are just too different for us to make it work. Like maybe the reason the relationship has worked so well is b/c it has been a long distance relationship. He's 27, already has a kid and wants a family NOW. But i'm 21 and I have alot of school left to go and a lot of living to do before I get married and have kids. The time for us to be able to live together in the same place is approaching quickly and I'm becoming very aware of our differences. I'm pretty sure it's about time to call it quits before we start resenting each other. Like, we can't talk about the future anymore b/c what we want is so different. Anyway my point is that even if we do break-up (we've been together about a year) I am so grateful to have been loved for this long, and he has helped me to become a better person. I've been so happy for the past year. So even if it hurts really badly, I've been happy for a year b/c of our relationship and I have a person in my life that truly cares about me and loves me, which is nice even if we can't be together. I've learned SO much from being with him. But sometimes people run their course in our lives and it sucks...but I think it would be worse to hold on when you know it can't work (for now atleast).

I am recently coming out of an 8 year relationship and it wasn’t my choice. I would have preferred to work on it. The supposed main reason for our breakup was constant ongoing issues we have with my side of the family. These have been present in our relationship since the beginning. The conversations on the issues didn’t change. I even distanced myself from my family 1 year after giving birth to our daughter…which was 5 years into the relationship. He broke it off in just a blink of an eye stating he can no longer deal with the family issues and I had to of known this would end at some point. (“this” meaning our relationship).

 

A few days after he officially broke it off with me I found emailed pictures of a girl 12 years younger he met on the internet. (BTW..he is 31) and after looking at our cell phone records I found they were texting A LOT also (200+ per day). When confronted he didn’t admit to me that he had been talking to this girl months prior, but knowing his paranoia with personal information, he had to of been comfortable with this girl. I feel as though he used my family issues to deflect the fact he had an eye for someone else. Had I not snooped I would have never known and would still feel as though I was the reason for the breakup.

 

I didn’t want to give up on the relationship but he has made it impossible for reconciliation as he has treated me horribly. At one time our relationship was strong and survived a lot, trust issues, major health issues due to car accident, his very opinionated parents..etc. It could have survived this but I feel as though he thinks the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. According to him this 20 year old and he have a lot in common. So, I am left lonely with our 2.5 year old child to care for while he is distracted by thoughts and conversations with her.

 

I don’t regret one day that I spent with my ex. He gave me a beautiful daughter. I feel long term relationships are about finding that one person you enjoy being around…from there you agree to work through any issues that arise….I thought my ex was that person. Now I have to focus on keeping myself together for the sake of my daughter.

I have come to learn that the * * * * actually starts happening around year 5, but you dont come to deal with it until later (because people have such a capacity for putting up with stuff).

 

Yeah I agree with the 5 year thing, its happened to a lot of people I know around that time.

Many people have a tendency to run away rather than dealing with the problem/s, they also hide the problems rather than bringing them up, which destroys the relationship. If you know someone like this, they normally do this with every MAJOR life situation they don't know how to handle.