Dealing with LDR and Sexual Frustration

My g/f and I will soon be living 4 hours away and are planning to see each other twice a month. I have quite a strong sex drive compared to her and am already having significant trouble dealing with the frustration of only having sex with her twice a week (and wanting it twice a day). And now I am looking at most 2 short weekends per month for 2-3 years.

For those in a similar situation, what is the best way to deal with it. I am well aware how amazing it is to have sex with her. Masturbation may not do much to satify me. It is lacking compared to sex with her in so many ways. The last thing I want would be to put myself in the wrong situation and give into temptation (I also don't want to have to tell her I am ending the relationship at any point b/c I am afraid I can't keep it in my pants).

-TIA

Cardinal

Just breathe and take it easy. I understand your drive. Mine operated at about the same level and I lived with my SO who was content with 1-2 times a week. It drove me nuts! But you just have to have patience.

Hope it works out for you!!

Haha,

in almost 2 years I have seen my gal 4 times, and she is 20 HOURS away.

I can only say that currently you might be seeign a heart break post soon.

Me and my gal are just over board in hardship, we can't STAND beign away from each other, but I am in school and she is in debt...

If you guys are going to be soo close (REALATIVE) soon, I would see allow that to ease your heart and mind, it could ALWAYS be further and farther apart...

*blessings*,

Matt

Thank you both for responding. I will see how it goes. Probably best to play it by ear anyhow. There isn't anything I can really do about being in a ldr, so I will have to play it by ear and hope for the best. This is my first time doing something like this.

Thank you both for responding. I will see how it goes. Probably best to play it by ear anyhow. There isn't anything I can really do about being in a ldr, so I will have to play it by ear and hope for the best. This is my first time doing something like this.

I would say try and carry yourself a little more optomistic, that would be a better start to a MUCH sronger relationship weather LDR or not, IMO.

It isn't impossible, unless you are quite literally forever in a LDR. There is a good amount of LDR info on this site I believe, and there are books avalible too. webistes usually suck, allow me to sum up what they say (seriously)

"LDR are tuff, they don;t always work, but if you both love each other it can work..."

I would say, if the info on this site isn't enough, you might want to invest a few dolalrs into a LDR specific book and have a peek at what it says.

Haha, maybe there is information you'll end up sharing with 'US' the responders. I haven't yet read a book, just a few websites as I have said with their EXTREMELY handy info (NOT)...

Keep us posted,

Matt

I'm in a similar situation, but it's my bf the one with the low sex drive, it's quite frustrating for me.

Also we only seen each other 2 times so far, we live 17h+ away from each other... I can't handle the distance anymore.

Both BF and I have very healthy sex drives. I wasn't sure how I was going to handle the distance. So far we have seen each other twice (it has been 5 weeks) and I have to say, the sex we do get is great.

You have to decide if you have the strength to handle it or not. Only you can make that decision. It hasn't been that long for me, but it certainly hasn't been easy. As Aragorn says, it could be a lot worse.

Thanks everyone for the advice. I have talked with my g/f about this and a couple of other ldr issues. I told her I had a few concerns about going into an ldr. Viz. that I might cheat on her and also that I tend not to communicate particularly often or very well when I am a long distance from my friends. She made no comment to either, but I know she is glad I told her about my frustration soon to be.

It is funny how many people won't even bring up a topic like that with their SO. I think it is good to be able to discuss anything.

try celibacy. im not kidding. dont masturbate or have sex with anyone. celibacy can open your mind and you may not be so preoccupied with sex or have such a strong sex drive...

also try working out. i work out everyday and when i dont work out i find myself more erotically charged as Rachel Green would say.

also this is a good way to test your relationship and how strong it is, what doesnt kill it makes it stronger. and is it strong enough to survive? sex is a big part of any relationship (in some cases a small part, lol) BUT its not the only thing. which do you love more: boning your gf or your gf??? which do you love more: boning or ur gf??? good luck.....

haven't yet read a book, just a few websites as I have said with their EXTREMELY handy info (NOT)...

 

lol extremely handy info with regards to ldr and sex lol....

try celibacy. im not kidding. dont masturbate or have sex with anyone. celibacy can open your mind and you may not be so preoccupied with sex or have such a strong sex drive...

 

also try working out. i work out everyday and when i dont work out i find myself more erotically charged as Rachel Green would say.

 

also this is a good way to test your relationship and how strong it is, what doesnt kill it makes it stronger. and is it strong enough to survive? sex is a big part of any relationship (in some cases a small part, lol) BUT its not the only thing. which do you love more: boning your gf or your gf??? which do you love more: boning or ur gf??? good luck.....

I would be willing to hold off on sex and masturbation for a short timeframe, but I don't think I would be happy doing so for long. When life gets busy, missing a day or three here or there is enough of a reprieve for me. I have gone 1-3 weeks before due to lack of privacy and I felt like I was going to explode. The urge didn't even remotely diminish.

I am an avid trainer and definitely work out often. My testosterone levels are sky high. I could bring them down, but going temporarily celibate, I just don't desire to do that.

Agreed this will be a good test of the relationship. The long distance nature of our relationship will put a strain on things indeed. I honestly think communication will be the largest hurdle. If we can learn to communicate better, I think we will have fewer arguments and our relationship may grow stronger. If not, I see trouble ahead.

Both BF and I have very healthy sex drives. I wasn't sure how I was going to handle the distance. So far we have seen each other twice (it has been 5 weeks) and I have to say, the sex we do get is great.

 

You have to decide if you have the strength to handle it or not. Only you can make that decision. It hasn't been that long for me, but it certainly hasn't been easy. As Aragorn says, it could be a lot worse.

I feel as though I do have the strength to handle it, but there is a catch. If after 1-3 years we do end cohabiting or at least living in the same city, there still would be no permanence. We have decided we are not a compatible couple for marriage.

I am strongly beginning to question if it is worth it to keep the relationship as it is now without the possibility of a long term future together. I'll elaborate more in the next post. I appreciate your comments.

Now that I am officially in a long distance relationship, things are much more clear to me now. I can relax about the notion to cheat. Something inside me just won't let that happen and I am not even feeling the urge to cheat. So that worry seems to be a bit unfounded.

But I am finding out something very disturbing about ldrs for me. I feel like I have lost the intimacy and sexual/romantic nature of our relationship. To explain further I feel it and know I will continue to feel it when I can see my g/f in person and can touch her/ hold her/make love to her.

But I have felt a little intimacy in our phone conversations and little to none coming from our online communication. In short, I am happy with my life overall, but feel unhappy about my relationship with my g/f. Shortly after I initiated this thread, we had a conversation about marriage and determined we were not compatible. She didn't see a point in staying in the relationship though we did not decide to break up then.

In short without the physical intimacy and everything else that makes our relationship what it was, I also am seriously questioning if it is beneficial for us to continue seeing one another. I thought we were going to break up when she first brought the subject up. So I know now how bad it will hurt. When we are apart, I feel she is more a friend that I love and care for a great deal, but nothing more.

This is very new territory for me and I would appreciate any comments you may have. The two solutions I see as most viable are to break up entirely or significantly change the nature of our relationship in some other way.

You have already decided that you aren't marriage compatable??

What kind of crap is that?

If you and she have already signed the death warrant for your relationship, then you might as well cut it off now and forgoe this whole discussion. I think that the single most reprehensable thing that young people do is to waste the time that they are given with people that they KNOW that they are not going to be with for the rest of their lives.

You are only given so much time on the Earth. If you and she are not going to make it together anyway, why would you hang on to the semblance of a relationship just for some bi-monthly sex?? I am sure you could get that much at least closer to home if that was all that mattered.

Get out of this situation, get on with your life and let her get on with hers. It is the only fair thing to do for both of you. (IMHO)

You have already decided that you aren't marriage compatable??

What kind of crap is that?

I should have elaborated. She wants children and I do not. Neither of us are willing to compromise. We both firmly hold to our beliefs here. She is young, but very sure about wanting children (she has personal experience raising children and knows well the kind of happiness she will derive from it.

If you and she have already signed the death warrant for your relationship, then you might as well cut it off now and forgoe this whole discussion. I think that the single most reprehensable thing that young people do is to waste the time that they are given with people that they KNOW that they are not going to be with for the rest of their lives.

 

You are only given so much time on the Earth. If you and she are not going to make it together anyway, why would you hang on to the semblance of a relationship just for some bi-monthly sex?? I am sure you could get that much at least closer to home if that was all that mattered.

 

Get out of this situation, get on with your life and let her get on with hers. It is the only fair thing to do for both of you. (IMHO)

Thank you for your honest and up front answer. As it stands I do have a lot running through my mind right now, but I have to agree with your overall assessment. "Move on with our lives".

I do have to disagree on a couple of points though. I am the type of man that can be happy living his life one day at a time. A quote I like comes to mind. "Live as if you will die tomorrow. Learn as if you will live forever." I'd like to think I embrace the meaning behind those words. Though I know my relationship with my g/f will not lead to marriage, it has not stopped me from appreciating each day I have with her. And my g/f and I will agree emphatically, we have not wasted our time! I love her and will always love her. She has told me the same.

And despite any evidence I may have provided to the contrary, if we did/do end up continuing our relationship, it will be for a lot more than bimonthly sex. With my very high sex drive bi-monthly sex is pretty close to none at all.

Once again thank you for your input and I think you have come to the right overall conclusion.

Sorry if I came off a little harsh, but I totally agree with your sentiment on living each day as if tomorrow is your last.

If tomorrow was your last day, would you not want to spend it with your soulmate instead of your in-between mate? I would not go back and change one minute with my ex husband or count the years as wasted time, even though to look at my life, that is what it was. Instead, I DO count every day that I stayed with him after realizing that there was no fixing things as a waste.

You two already know where you part ways... why not just pull the splinter out quick instead of waiting until it festers?

Either way, I think you are taking a very rational approach to the whole situation. I wish you and her the best of luck (separatley )

If tomorrow was your last day, would you not want to spend it with your soulmate instead of your in-between mate?

You didn't come accross as too harsh. I could see through the emotion to the reason behind your answer. That is why I agreed with you despite a few inconsistencies.

I think you bring up an excellent point. I know what it is like to love a woman with all my heart. But I do not know what it is like to be with a soulmate. And I do not think I will until the day I marry her. Expressing love is one thing. But actually committing to marriage to be with a woman until death and embracing that with your whole being is another thing entirely. Love itself is an emotion at heart. The bond you share with a soulmate sets the bar much higher. Regardless of your religious preferences, there is a spiritual dimension to consider when you are considering a soulmate. If I weren't allowed to equivocate, I'd have to answer that I would rather spend my last day on earth with my soulmate. That gives me a little different perspective to consider. Thank you for that!

Anytime.... that'll be $29.95 plus tax....

I agree with vandgsmom (on many of her points) the main two being: 1) you are handling this very rationally and maturely (good for you!!!) and 2) move on. You are not really doing either of you any good. Since you already view her as a friend you care a lot about, perhaps you can maintain your friendship while she is gone. Holding on to this relationship would hold both of you back, and that is not fair to either one of you.

Good luck!

I'll add my own little bit of closure to this thread. Our relationship is over. In case anyone was wondering, breaking up is no fun. Thanks to all who have participated in this thread. I know I made I made the right decision here but it is still hard to deal with.

I'll add my own little bit of closure to this thread. Our relationship is over. In case anyone was wondering, breaking up is no fun. Thanks to all who have participated in this thread. I know I made I made the right decision here but it is still hard to deal with.

Sorry to hear that Cardinal. I read over your thread and that's tough being in a relationship when both people have different goals for later on in life. Just take some time off and hopefully get a better idea about what you'd like in a future relationship.

Ellie,

I am glad my story has helped you to understand more about your own situation.

Until I was actually in a LDR I didn't understand quite how much could be taken from a relationship without the physical intimacy of being there. I think it goes to show men often need that sort of physical contact and intimate closeness to really feel some of the deepest emotions that make romantic sexual relationships so special.

If the LDR doesn't last tooooo long (in my case I was looking at 1-3 years or more) or there is a real possibility of forever (along with the logistical situation to make marriage possible), then it would be well worth it for me to stick it out. But without that, well, I don't see the point.

I am sure that this wasn't the highlight of your year, but maybe what it opens you up to experience will be...

I have confidence that you get back what you put out into the world, and you have helped people here by sharing your experience... maybe it will come back to you in the form of someone who will touch your life in a way that will leave you breathless and in love with life (and her) again...

I think you made the right decision, and I KNOW this will stop hurting one day. Just stay optimistic...

Laura

Thank you for your kind words!

My girlfriend lives 4000 miles away....literally on another continent, it would seem that the only thing you value about her is the sex, maybe you should re evaluate the reason you are in the relationship, also p0rn works wonders when youre alone...