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what really makes a person settle down?


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I have met many men or from friends who said, I'm ready to settle down, wants a committed relationship, blah blah. and when they get in a relationship, everything seems right and one day, they'll end up breaking with just a (small) problem. or maybe they'll end up giving reasons like i need to work more, it's not yet the right time to marry ...etc to runaway. later on, you'll see them ended the relationship.

 

why do men do this? what really make a man setttle down?

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Usually a man will want to settle down when he feels that he is financially stable. This is going to be different for every man since each has a different idea of what financially stable means. For some it may mean the job they want to have. For some it just may mean a job period that they like.

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What the dumpee may perceive as a small problem may actually just be the reason the dumper gives for a series of problems or things they don't like about the relationship. People don't always tell the whole truth when they break up with someone. I think a person will rarely leave someone over what they perceive to be a small problem.

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It's obviously different for every person.

 

But in my boyfriend's case, he wants to wait until he can find a job (he just graduated college) and be confident that we can move in together and afford it.

 

But also, the right woman of course. And sometimes school is a reason.

 

I think that usually when people break up, it's for a bigger reason than just some small issue. If a guy and a girl seem perfect together, and then the guy breaks up just because he doesn't want to settle down.. I would think it would have more to do with him doubting that he's with the right person than anything else.

 

Sometimes there's even people out there who never want to settle down.

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If they say they are ready to settle down, but then give those kinds of excuses and break up, I would guess that they don't think they are with the right person yet. Just because you want to settle down doesn't mean you have found the right person to settle down with yet.

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Stupidity and sometimes finding the right one.

 

I often wonder about people who say "I am ready to settle down now" when there isnt even anyone in the picture. Its kind of like I gonna find the next one and make me a wife.

 

I dont ever think that a relationship, especially settling down is something one can force or turn on or off at will. How can you go through 10, 20 years with your eyes closed then open them one day and expect to see clearly.

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I have met many men or from friends who said, I'm ready to settle down, wants a committed relationship, blah blah. and when they get in a relationship, everything seems right and one day, they'll end up breaking with just a (small) problem. or maybe they'll end up giving reasons like i need to work more, it's not yet the right time to marry ...etc to runaway. later on, you'll see them ended the relationship.

 

why do men do this? what really make a man setttle down?

 

Women actually seem to do that more than men.

 

little problems are serious when the person doing/causing them wont try to adjust them for the better side to suit the relationship.

 

 

Finances, or lack of, can be a big downfall in any relationship

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Stupidity and sometimes finding the right one.

 

I often wonder about people who say "I am ready to settle down now" when there isnt even anyone in the picture. Its kind of like I gonna find the next one and make me a wife.

 

I dont ever think that a relationship, especially settling down is something one can force or turn on or off at will. How can you go through 10, 20 years with your eyes closed then open them one day and expect to see clearly.

 

I so agree with you there. I think about a good half of the time you hear someone say "I am so ready to settle down and have a family, etc" ends up feeding that line to their new sig other. Then further down the road in their first ultra-committed-I-am-going-to-stick-with-this-one relationship, they realize that in fact they weren't ready for it, and that is why they hadn't committed before.

 

Sometimes, I think everyone gets to the point to where they think they want committment, but it's like buying new pants; They looked good on the rack, but until you tried them on, you had no idea they wouldn't fit you.

 

Dating and loving are learning experiences.. You will find the right one when you have learned enough to recognize those same qualities in your mate.

 

(or I could be full of crap, I am divorced, after all) :splat:

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IMHO...

Can't understand how anyone can decide it's time to "settle" down, then put their hooks in someone in the vicinity at that juncture. To me, that's as lame as an arranged marriage. I never was ready to settle down, but got married because I was crazy nuts over a woman.

Insanity and love can coexist.

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I agree Dako.

 

But a few months ago something kind of opened my eyes.

 

This guy I knew back in high school came to work at my organization. He came to look me up, told me that he had married an old friend of mine. They have 3 kids and a house.

 

He'd come in to my office, sit and talk every week or so.

 

One day, he told me that he had only married her because he wanted kids and she was there and willing at the time. I mean...he said it so matter of fact....Like he wasn't kidding or being fecitious (sp?), he was just stating the facts.

 

I didn't really know what to say, but I believed him.

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I have heard that often, but mostly from the female half...

 

Girlfriends who are complaining about their spouse (and about 6 months later, they are divorced) and when you ask them "If all of those things are wrong with him, why did you marry him?"

 

Alot of time, the answer is "Because I wanted to get married/wanted kids/a ring/a wedding/to get my parents off my back, etc..."

 

I don't know. I hope that I am clear headed enough the next time to think to question the other parties motive for wanting me. IE; do they need me to fulfill some specific purpose in life, or can they just not live their life without me...

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I have met many men or from friends who said, I'm ready to settle down, wants a committed relationship, blah blah. And when they get in a relationship, everything seems right and one day, they'll end up breaking with just a (small) problem.

I'm not sure there's a good answer to this, other than "when it feels right" - and that is usually made up of several things, of which some have been mentioned already by the other posters. Financial/job stability is obviously a factor. Emotional/mental stability is another - if you're feeling anxious or nervous about your future, you probably don't want to try and settle down right at that moment.

 

In terms of the "everything seems right and one day, they'll end up breaking [up] with just a (small) problem", that type of behavior could have several causes. A Commitmentphobe, for example, will do this - over time, all this tension and claustrophobia and the feeling of being trapped will pile up, and finally something sends them over the edge and they have to Get Out at all cost - and they'll leave suddenly, maybe even disappearing ("Houdini act"), and it will seem to the partner that it was "just a (small) problem" - when in fact it wasn't small at all. Never underestimate the ability for certain people to completely bottle up all of their emotions and problems and hide them away, only to result in them initiating a break-up that makes little sense to the afflicted partner.

 

Another take on this is usually from the women's side, i.e. that "feelings" will cause the breakup. PocoDiablo posted this excellent summary of that:

Unlike men, who are often rational, logical, and try to "fix" or "figure out" things, women really just trust their feelings. Did you get that? Women trust their feelings, trust their gut, and go with what seems to be the best thing for them. This is a beautiful and intelligent way to handle most aspects of a relationship, and can easily explain why a woman will dump a guy - because it did not "feel" right. And you can bet that if she's feeling something is not working, she's probably right... because that means you're acting in a way that is inconsistent with being a mature, kind, calm, and caring partner.

 

On the other hand, men will do things long after their gut told them something was wrong.

In other words, people who break up "with just a (small) problem" aren't necessarily Commitmentphobes, either.

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