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Thread: what really makes a person settle down?

  1. #11
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    I've heard that men don't settle down when the find the right woman, but that they are more likely to just settle down with the woman that the happen to be with at the time, when they are ready to settle down.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member tylercdurden2004's Avatar
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    What can I say men as a whole do a lot of crazy things.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member Dako's Avatar
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    IMHO...
    Can't understand how anyone can decide it's time to "settle" down, then put their hooks in someone in the vicinity at that juncture. To me, that's as lame as an arranged marriage. I never was ready to settle down, but got married because I was crazy nuts over a woman.
    Insanity and love can coexist.

  4. #14
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    I agree Dako.

    But a few months ago something kind of opened my eyes.

    This guy I knew back in high school came to work at my organization. He came to look me up, told me that he had married an old friend of mine. They have 3 kids and a house.

    He'd come in to my office, sit and talk every week or so.

    One day, he told me that he had only married her because he wanted kids and she was there and willing at the time. I mean...he said it so matter of fact....Like he wasn't kidding or being fecitious (sp?), he was just stating the facts.

    I didn't really know what to say, but I believed him.

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  6. #15
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    I have heard that often, but mostly from the female half...

    Girlfriends who are complaining about their spouse (and about 6 months later, they are divorced) and when you ask them "If all of those things are wrong with him, why did you marry him?"

    Alot of time, the answer is "Because I wanted to get married/wanted kids/a ring/a wedding/to get my parents off my back, etc..."

    I don't know. I hope that I am clear headed enough the next time to think to question the other parties motive for wanting me. IE; do they need me to fulfill some specific purpose in life, or can they just not live their life without me...

  7. #16
    Platinum Member Dako's Avatar
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    I've noticed the same thing. People that marry according to a plan often end up constrained by that plan. Even this cynic believes in magic.

  8. #17
    Member Riot Nrrrd™'s Avatar
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    Originally Posted by butterflies
    I have met many men or from friends who said, I'm ready to settle down, wants a committed relationship, blah blah. And when they get in a relationship, everything seems right and one day, they'll end up breaking with just a (small) problem.
    I'm not sure there's a good answer to this, other than "when it feels right" - and that is usually made up of several things, of which some have been mentioned already by the other posters. Financial/job stability is obviously a factor. Emotional/mental stability is another - if you're feeling anxious or nervous about your future, you probably don't want to try and settle down right at that moment.

    In terms of the "everything seems right and one day, they'll end up breaking [up] with just a (small) problem", that type of behavior could have several causes. A Commitmentphobe, for example, will do this - over time, all this tension and claustrophobia and the feeling of being trapped will pile up, and finally something sends them over the edge and they have to Get Out at all cost - and they'll leave suddenly, maybe even disappearing ("Houdini act"), and it will seem to the partner that it was "just a (small) problem" - when in fact it wasn't small at all. Never underestimate the ability for certain people to completely bottle up all of their emotions and problems and hide them away, only to result in them initiating a break-up that makes little sense to the afflicted partner.

    Another take on this is usually from the women's side, i.e. that "feelings" will cause the breakup. PocoDiablo posted this excellent summary of that:
    Originally Posted by PocoDiablo
    Unlike men, who are often rational, logical, and try to "fix" or "figure out" things, women really just trust their feelings. Did you get that? Women trust their feelings, trust their gut, and go with what seems to be the best thing for them. This is a beautiful and intelligent way to handle most aspects of a relationship, and can easily explain why a woman will dump a guy - because it did not "feel" right. And you can bet that if she's feeling something is not working, she's probably right... because that means you're acting in a way that is inconsistent with being a mature, kind, calm, and caring partner.

    On the other hand, men will do things long after their gut told them something was wrong.
    In other words, people who break up "with just a (small) problem" aren't necessarily Commitmentphobes, either.

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