What do you think of this?

maybe i will join the gym-even though i work out at home..i get distracted by him easily--and he is very care free and doesnt let anything bother him

 

So i was wrong for that phone and going inside thing?--he got mad at me and said this is what i am talking about--you asking me the same question over and over

I think you were wrong on the phone/going inside thing, yes. It really wasn't a big deal. You made it into one, but I think that is more of a symptom of the underlying problem, which is that you feel insecure in this relationship, you dont feel he is emotionally attached enough, and you are looking at ways that he proves, or disproves, that you are a priority. So the phone/going inside thing got turned into another "sign" that he is not as close emotionally as you want him to be.

Keep in mind, that's based on what you perceive as signs of his attachment, he may be on a whole other page with that. Things like time spent, attention, talking to you in front of others on a phone, rearranging plans to be with you, these things are what you use to judge a person's level of attachment/care for you. He may not see these things as related IN ANY WAY to how attached he is to you. His expression of feeling and/or committment may be something else he is doing that you are totally clueless about, because it isn't the gauge you use to measure it. I think that's the root of the problem. One way to solve that is to discuss this with him.

This once happened to me and he told me he showed in other ways such as making coffee every morning before I got up. I had NO IDEA that meant anything at all ---but to him it was a way of expressing something. Common problem with men and women.

Communication helps here, you can outline things that you value and that mean something to you, and your ways of expressing things toward him, he can do the same, he may be doing things you dont even recognize and once you are clued in, you'll come to appreciate and start letting go of your other things. You can learn this about each other so that you are pushing the right buttons so to speak.

Of course, it is easier if you are with someone who is more compatable or of like mind, you don't have to have these kinds of discussions they sort of just do the things in the same way, think along the same lines, tend to express things in similar ways, etc.

Salt

Well in the car while he is driving, he holds my hand..never pushes me away suddenly if i am being affectionate, is affectionate with me...when we do see each other--anything that i really wanna do unless its something he really cant do that night, maybe money is tight etc..he will agree too. And if i do say--i need you this sunday in 2 weeks for this event, or this is something i really really wanna go to, i think he would agree.

For almost a year--he drove to pick me 2-3 nights a week after doing his job..almost an hour to get to me--and hour to go back to his place..and then he used to drive me home at about 3 or 4 am b/c i wasn't able to stay over at that point in time..now i am which makes things easier and he said he is burnt out from all the driving so i agreed to sometimes take the train to make it easier and he would pick me up from the train station. He tells me that on sundays--if i do wanna see him and he needs to stuff in the back yard, then i should come and keep him company or sun bathe and read..basically we would not be spending one on one time but we would be near one another.

No responses?

It sounds kind of lame and boring to me. And it sounds like he's taking you for granted, and not really working that hard or going too far out of his way to do his part in keeping your relationship alive.

You two have been dating like this for a year. Not married and living together for 30 years.....

It sounds kind of lame and boring to me. And it sounds like he's taking you for granted, and not really working that hard or going too far out of his way to do his part in keeping your relationship alive.

 

You two have been dating like this for a year. Not married and living together for 30 years.....

I agree. Not sure it's worth all the effort I posted in my last post. I personally wouldn't do it all, not for this guy anyway. He sounds totally unmotivated; a lazy attitude toward the whole thing. As she said, boring.

Do you do anything besides go to his place 3 days a week and sleep over?

When's the last time he took you out, wined & dined you, danced with you, spent the day at a museum or fair with you, bought you a romantic gift, or if money is tight cooked you dinner complete with candles and romance, did ANYTHING besides invite you to sit outside and read while he works on the yard (.....snore).

But if it is worth the effort to YOU, then give the above suggestions a try.

Salt

When was the last time anyone did stuff like that when in a setled relationship? Why has it always got to be the man who does stuff like that for the woman, whats wrong with us women doing it? If it's boring, a woman is quite capable of arranging the same things dontcha think? I think thats a little unfair to the guy who works long and late hours..

Just one thing that bothers me, how could she call his Grandma when the phone was broke?

Well it sounds like he's not doing his part, she wants to do something fun, and he wants to work in his mom's yard. (yay!)

And to answer your question, yes I've had long term relationships, and while mundane stuff happens, too, we've both been interested in having fun going out and doing stuff together, too, and not just once in a blue moon.

If you are suspicious like this in general (and I doubt this is the case - are you like this with your friends too?) then I would work on that and consider that maybe being in a relationship is not for you -because being in a healthy one requires a decent level of trust and giving people the benefit of the doubt.

Ok--its not the beginning stages of dating where we would go out every single time we see each other--after year--what is wrong with a regular night together? We went to dinner and for drinks a few nights ago, and anytime i wanna go to a bar or something--he agrees--thats what i meant by anything i usually want to do--he will do within reason.

And he was just was trying to find a way i guess to get his stuff done and have me there since i was not happy with the situation.

What relationship after a year is gonna be filled with such excitement every single time. I'm not trying to defend all his actions. But in what way do you not think he is doing his part? I never agreed to taking the trains for a year until he said he is burnt out--was i wrong for that and not doing my part as well?

No, it now sounds like you two do go out now and then, not just sit around the yard, there has to be a good balance.

When was the last time anyone did stuff like that when in a setled relationship?

So becoming a "settled" relationship means you no longer do this stuff?

Why has it always got to be the man who does stuff like that for the woman, whats wrong with us women doing it? If it's boring, a woman is quite capable of arranging the same things dontcha think? I think thats a little unfair to the guy who works long and late hours..

Last time i checked, men still took women out. Even in 'established' relationships.

Salt

When did the plot change? I must have missed it.....

salt

I wouldnt say the plot changed--i questioned if i should believe what happened last night--but then for some say--he is not doing his part b/c i said we go to his apartment is not fact...yes--there are weeks where we do just hang out at the apartment, have a few drinks, watch tv, movies etc..and then there are times when we get tired of that and do go out...it is kind of expensive to go out every single time we see each other--and museums arent open when i get out of work..thats not all we do but i have friends who are in the same spot---with their b.f for a long time and they do not go out every single night..they spend the weeknights doing nothing but then on the weekend or saturday do something more..i dont really see whats wrong with that

My original question was just believing about last night and his actions.

we go to his apartment

Why does he have to do work in the back yard of an apartment? Doesn't the landlord do that? How does the apartment have a yard?

There's a lot of grey areas between going out every single night, and sitting around the house the majority of the dates......

Hello,

sorry--wasnt clear--he has his own apartment which he does not work in--then there is his mother's house where he grew up in--she lives about 15 minutes away--and thats where he does the work.

Maybe she should pay someone to do yardwork for her...That's nice that he helps his mother....to an extent....

If you guys get married, what do you think? Do you think he'll be neglecting you and the work that needs done at your house to still take care of others' houses for them?

Maybe she does not have the money for it, i don't really know...and if my b/f is able to do it and not physcially incapable-why wouldn't he? which is how i think he thinks--especially since he has been doing it for years--he probably sees it as his job..so i guess it will be up to me to say--in 2 weeks on sunday--lets spend some afternoon time together etc. What do you think?

Yeah, I think it would be good for you two to do something a little more fun and break some routines if possible.

Do you think he is a bad b/f or does not care for me b/c he is very family oriented?

Do you think he is a bad b/f or does not care for me b/c he is very family oriented?

It's not quite that simple. Family oriented isn't necessarily a bad thing. But in some cases, as Salty and I have both told you, it can be that they are family oriented *to the point* that they put you on a lower priority level that you deserve. So, since I don't really know all the details about your relationship, I can't answer that for certain. However, just judging by the things you have said so far, yes, I think it is possible that he may be a little to enmeshed with his family.

Once again, bear in mind, though that there are guys who have hardly any family, yet who go out and find people to become very entangled, and encumbered with. I think it is some sort of personality thing....

It's not quite that simple. Family oriented isn't necessarily a bad thing. But in some cases, as Salty and I have both told you, it can be that they are family oriented *to the point* that they put you on a lower priority level that you deserve. So, since I don't really know all the details about your relationship, I can't answer that for certain. However, just judging by the things you have said so far, yes, I think it is possible that he may be a little to enmeshed with his family.

 

 

Once again, bear in mind, though that there are guys who have hardly any family, yet who go out and find people to become very entangled, and encumbered with. I think it is some sort of personality thing....

Perfectly put.

Salt

I agree with you--i actually do believe his family comes first and i come second--he tells me its not true but sometimes other things have to be done-such as his mother's patio or helping his brother with his business if he needs it to be done and i should be more understanding.