Over controlling parents.

I'm not in high school.. but am midway through college, and my folks are ULTRA controlling.. mostly financially. My dad likes to assume all responsibility for contracts I enter, I'm not "allowed" to sign anything in my own name, even a cell phone.

My question is this: One, has anyone had this problem...? Having controlling parents even when you're to be considered an adult? I mean, why won't he let me make my own decisions, even if they're the wrong ones? Why won't he let me learn from my mistakes, and why won't he let me reap the benefits of my good decisions? I've never bought anything "bad" with his money (ie alcohol, cigarettes, etc), never had a ticket (car wise not even a PARKING ticket), never been in a wreck... or out drunk one night where I had to call him, nothing -- I've been a GREAT kid growing up... How can I earn his trust in making my decisions..? I've got no piercings or tattoos.. I'm a 3.5+ student in a science based degree (one he insisted upon obviously..) I'm just so overwhelmed with the pressure he puts on me, and I find no liberation in what is suppose to be my early adulthood...

Help.

LOL, but you're 22, i'm a 19yr old junior and can't wait that long. LOL

If they're controlling you financially, then get a job. You'll still have to depend on your parents for paying for college and such, but at least you'll have your own money that you can spend on cell phones, etc. If you are living with them, move out. And so on.

cacain

Parents dont often realize that not letting you handle your own affairs is a dangerous way to set you up for being unable to handle responsibilities in general. I doubt that the ability to make your own decisions will just suddenly be given to you. You are going to have to assert yourself, even if your dad doesn't approve. Obviously, do this within reason. But it wouldn't hurt you to, say, get a credit card by yourself or something. Just be responsible about it. Definitely start taking matters into your own hands though.

Okay, I have a job. lol But that's the problem -- every bit of money I earn goes right back to them to "repay" my college, etc. His contention is that I should be concerned with paying for college and not outside things.. Bc they ultimately pay for my living expenses. I'm an engineer major (5 year degree even though I'm taking 17hrs each semester.. lol) and so a 40hr a week thing isn't even a possibility.. I can do 10-15hrs a week and even that sometimes compromises my grades when I *really* need to be studying instead... I *am* moved out, but again, they still help out with living expenses... don't have a home phone, but they pay for a cell phone on a VERY poor plan for the area in which I live (its *okay* service where they live...) ..And my bf and I were going to get a plan together, and now he's saying *NO WAY* -- it's like he feels undermined bc it's my bf... shifting of authority, etc... I *do* have a credit card, but again, my folks pay the bills, etc...

Edit: I don't LIKE the fact they pay for everything -- it's one of those things, if I was doing an easier degree, I'd work more hours to get more money, but even with that, I don't know how I'd pay for a state school, I don't do comm. co. -- I've looked into loans, but the BIG loans are PLUS loans (where the parent has to sign off for it and pay interest WHILE you're in school) and the rest you can only get 3500 -- so say I got 2 3500 (one sub. one unsub.) and 2500 is what I average in scholarships... that's still only 9500 for a 18000/yr school.

okay, look, first of all, I live alone. lol I don't live with my bf (just for the record) -- this isn't a *pay my bills so I can go sleep around with my bf* -- this is a more practical issue. My phone is not good for where I live. I found a cheaper and better alternative... And he is just playing "dad" -- and it's ridiculous. I want to know a better way of showing independence to earn his trust and make my own financial decisions.

Oh, okay. Have you talked to your dad about this? Tell him what you told us -- you're a good kid, never caused any troubles, etc. If possible, talk to your mom and see if she can talk to your dad as well. My dad used to be really controlling, but my mom managed to get him to back off.

my mom is normally like that (you know, the easier one to talk to), but on this, she is backing down. She wouldn't defend me tonight (bc I tried talking about it as a family thing -- me, him, and her) but she just said *I don't really know what you're talking about, I'm not into the technology business* and let me out to dry...

I had the same problem. My mother controlled me from age 16 to 25. Which was weird because she gave me more rights before age 16. I think it all came down to the fact that she didnt want me to grow up. She robbed me of my adolescence. When I was in college she was controlling my finances also. I was very angry because I felt I couldnt grow. My advice is...if you are going to college then live on campus....take out a loan to cover the expense of dorming. Get a job on campus to make sure that you have spending money. Make sure you have a major that wont take forever. Focus on a 2-year degree that will give you independence so you can get a job and start working. For me I was going on for a Bachelor's degree. I depended on my mother for all those years which she loved to control. I ended up not using my B.A degree and instead I went back for nursing. Nursing is only 2-year degree and you get your LPN. I really think dorming will be very important for you because they cant hover over you and you can get a cell phone and they wont know, you can have room to be yourself.

A parent's overcontrol doesn't stop when you are 20 or 23 and move out of the house. It continues if you allow it to. My mother was over-controlling and I had successfully moved on with my life and separated emotionally from her control. Then when I was 30-ish, I had a rough time at work--over-controlling boss, go figure!--and it took me back to the time when I was growing up, with no power and unassertive. Maybe my mom sensed this or she felt that I needed her again for support. Turns out, she began to over control. I live hundreds of miles away from her, but my mom would try to guilt-trip me into moving close to her by saying no one in her small town even knows she has a daughter because I moved away after high school and never came back. She says other mean things, and now I have to reassert myself all over again. It's not easy at any stage of life.

I don't know what the answer is or how to cure it, but I know that parents NEED to find the middle ground.

My sister is this way with her kids and they are severely stunted. Her oldest is 18 and doesn't know how to do a lot of things kids a lot younger than her can do. It's sort of sad.

It's really sad when the parents don't realise what they're doing, and think they're doing it for the best. It's kinda true but some parents go overboard. I live with my Mother and brother. My dad's outta the picture for years, but it's been really difficult, I ran away alot of times in different ways but in the end I'm back. What have I learnt? Not much except to just swallow your pride and wait it out. If I had more guts I'd call someone I'm not supposed to and go live with them, but that would mean I'd sever my relationship with my family forever. So unless you're capable financially and confidently of moving out without directly hurting anyone, there's kinda no choice but to hold on and keep your eyes open for any oppurtunities..any whatsoever, that would help you find your own way. I'm still looking lol. It's hard to live like that for years to say the least...

You sound very strong though. I think this is a good way to guide yourself, Siraf. If you get a chance, watch the movie, The Pursuit of Happiness. It's a good reminder that no matter how many obstacles you receive, it is giving up that causes you to really lose. Go out with motivation into the world, shine your light openly. Smile and keep your heart eager to feel for things around you. Surprise people by speaking openly from the heart, no matter what circumstance closes in on you. Eventually, the path you seek will come, slowly and subtly- bending around the obstacles in your life. Once you step your foot on it, it will guide you. However, while it is forming, you must form yourself and grow and prepare in the meantime, no matter what darkness occurs in the present.

Love thyself= the greatest lesson I've ever learned. I am patient with myself and honest, I evaluate my behaviors to make sure they are truthful and real. I watch myself cry in the mirror and try smiling at myself. You have everything you need to love yourself- arms to hug yourself and a heart to show you what you're made of. If parents cannot do this for you, it is not the end of your world. It is not the end of you.

Fear nothing= the second greatest lesson I have ever learned. If we want, a larger force can be our anchor. In times of fear or loss of motivation, I say in my head, "God is my strength right now. He is my shield, my Protector- all traps shift to the other side when I am walking" and so I move forward, feeling calmness again through the calamity of the life I live. Towards anyone who tries to control me or change me, I just smile because I know that they cannot.

Hope is all you need= the third greatest lesson so far. ^_^ When others bring you down, bring yourself up with the two previous lessons I have listed. Trust me and try.

Wow..thanks again Blueangel! I'm printing this out! Those 3 lessons are really amazing..

I watched the movie by the way, I loved it! It's agreat lesson to all of us, about how one can really persue their dreams in life, no mater how dark the future may seem

I am in my mid 30s and have to say that controlling parents do exist and can have an effect on you way into your 30s. Whatever foundation was laid forth in childhood really remains with you into adulthood. Scary how much it can effect you.

I am happily married, educated, and doing pretty well in my life yet the guilt and the inadequate tools provided me by my parents still haunt me to this day. Growing up in the US and being raised by folks who try to retain the values of the "old country" sucks.

Regardless of the fact that I am an adult and married, this religious, traditional , cultural bullcrap keeps following me and making me miserable. Wish I had made the break earlier.

If they want to pay for everything, there are ways around it. For example, talk to them about them letting you have "flex" money. Or if they only want to spend a specific amount/month you could set up some sort of "here's this much for the month, spend it as you will, but it's up to you to bedget" I disagree with the comment to change your program. Sure, it gets you out of the situation a little bit sooner, but if you like what you are doing, stick to it. In the long run, it'll be worth it.

If neither of these options work, do you have your own bank account? Don't let them have access to it. Also, you don't have to give them all your money for school...they shouldn't even know what you are making, so don't let them see yur pay stubs.

I know my share about controlling parents, although they try to control me in other areas of like, and don't approve of my bf - see thread "mother ruining relationship." I have to fend for myself financially, and personally, would love help from them that way - Im looking at a minimum 20000 $ debt, if not 40 by the end of four years....so, thats not going to be fun - at the least you will have avoided that sit.

Yes, I'm in a similar situation. I graduated at 16 with a 4.0 from high school, in the top 5 positions in my class. I went to college, on a partial scholarship, and graduated with a 3.83 GPA (I had a couple of bad grades from professors who just didn't like me), while working part time in a research lab (and doing odd jobs on the weekend to get more money). After I graduated, I moved out of the dorms, and into an apartment. In the meantime I got a decent job, and started paying the bills. Everything was fine.

Enter my dad. To him, no news is good news. Even during college, he would occasionally happen to be "in the neighborhood" and want to see how I was doing, despite the fact that he lived 700 miles away from my college. And every time he came, he'd find a reason to give me a lecture. Once, I was tutoring a girl in my room, and he walked in unannounced, and automatically began to assume things, which naturally lead to a lecture. Sure, very rarely I would do something that was a bit objectionable in college, but I guess that was a part of the experience. And I smoked and drank, (after I turned 18 and 21 respectively), but he never knew about that.

Anyhow, fast forward to about a year ago. My mother had passed away the previous year, and my dad wanted to come down and spend some time with me. About six months ago, he went down to the apartment manager and says he wants the apartment in his name. He pays the half the rent now, which saves me a goodly sum each month to invest elsewhere, but it's just gotten more frustrating from there. He looks at my bank statements. If I were to put in a deposit on Wednesday, he comes to me and asks what's going on. Or perhaps he'll re-arrange my belongings, so if I need to find anything, it takes me much longer. My whole life pretty much got changed by his sudden appearance.

Well, there's lots of other stuff too, like the way my dad nags me about my religion, but I won't go into it here.

In my case, I realized pretty early on it was the need for attention, the need to feel respected. My dad was in a management position for over 30 years, so when he stopped working, and when my mom died, he really just had to turn to me, I guess. I try to show my dad that though I'm going to be on my own, he needs to relax, and things will unfold as they do. I show him that I respect him, but need to be given my personal time. Often, actions can speak louder than words, but if you need to sit down and talk, go for it. Tell you dad how you feel, and tell him that it's in your best interest to be independent.

Wow, you guys are some push overs if I ever saw some. A movie you (and your parents) all need to watch is a little something I like to call "finding nemo"... Just do what you want and tell them to back off (can be done nicely or not so nicely). My parents tried being uber controlling with me for a hot second when I was younger (around 20), but it didn't work out well for them. They'd always been rather overprotective, couldn't even cross the street till I hit teen years, and was never allowed to stay over at my friend's houses, even the one who lived right next door! So one night I decided to stay out till two in the morning (my curfew was 10), and they were really mad and upset at first, but after thinking I was dead in the street somewhere, I guess it made them realize they couldn't control everything, and they started to leave me alone. Like someone said earlier, actions speak louder than words. Later I gave them a lecture (for a change) and just told them that I loved them both, but one day they would be gone and I would be alone, so it would be best for them to let go sooner than later, for the good of everyone. I'm tired of hearing grown people whine and complain about their parents never letting them do this or that. YOU ARE AN ADULT AND THIS IS AMERICA, you can do whatever you want. A couple of old geezers can't force you to obey them when youre in your mid 20s and in the prime of your life anymore than the dog or cat can. All they can do at this point is influence. I'll admit, their influence can be strong at times, but you've got to stand your ground. Parents will treat you like a child as long as you let them. So either tell your parents to get with the program and accept that you're not a diaper-soiling infant anymore, or be a slave to them forever. It's your choice.

All my life I have been over-protected by my parents. My brother and I had a lot of problems growing up and because there are always people around who will find something negative to say about us we were sheltered. We weren't allowed to do a whole lot of things. I couldn't close the door to my room. They were always afraid that something bad would happen and they could get to me. I couldn't go out after school. I couldn't travel myself because there were people that would pick on me. The irony is that once I was inside school they couldn't protect me from being harassed. Then I wasn't allowed to go to the mall because there were too many problems. Then I couldn't travel the trains into the city by myself. I needed someone with me all the time as far as my parents go. I wasn't allowed to have an opinion because they would project my opinions and make it their own. And if I had even an ounce of complaint it was squashed with, "So." "This is a job." "Grow Up." "Stop acting like a baby." Then most people I have every come accross in my life beside my parents have attempted to control me to a point that my conversations have become limited to topics they just wanted to hear. Oh and you should see my mother. She always feels the need to pick outfits out for me because she thinks they would look pretty on me. She has recently begun to realize that I usually buy what hits me. And now with the advent of the cell phone if they had any option at all we would call them every five minutes to tell them about our lives but I believe out of source of not letting my parents worry so much about me I call them once when I'm at work and once when I'm on the way home and if I need to talk to them about something I would call them anytime but not every five minutes. But my brother has this so ingrained in him that even I get annoyed at this. And my father is so controlling to a point that eveywhere she goes she has to call him. This is annoying to me. I would never do this with my husband. I only call my husband during the day if there some emergency that needs to dealt with. And when I was growing up they wanted to know everything about my life and when I didn't talk to them much about some things because they weren't important enough for me to talk to them about they would frustrated and ask why I would never talk to them. And if I wanted to go out late at night I had to have somebody bring me "directly to the door." Believe me there were times I wanted to move out but when you are in college with a learning disability struggling to just pass getting a job and moving out just isn't a viable option. And then when I ended up working for a company that only offered a small salary I couldn't move then either although at this point my parents weren't as protective as they were when I was younger. But still they are. Now I'm living with my husband and thankfully most of the time my parents leave us alone. But sometimes I get really frustrated with them especially when they start questioning some of my plans of what we are going to do with our lives such as vacations, furniture, living, birthday presents and anything else. What my parents really is someone who treats me like gold and buy me diamonds, which doesn't seem to be so simple. I don't know what is wrong with going to shows and just enjoy socializing.

Sometimes I think our parents never accomplished a lot of the things that they wanted to do so they think that if their children do what the parents want them to do then they will be happy. They are always afraid their children are going to fail and get hurt. They want to make sure that you don't repeat the same mistakes they made. The truth also is they always want their children to be better than they were. But the point is, is no matter how much your parents protect you once you go out on your own your parents are not going to be there all the time. And one day they will be gone sorry to say.

I don't know what else to say at this point.

hey i know what you mean about controlling parents. does any one have experience with like dysfunctional families (controlling parents) where everyone is so immeshed that they dont even know theres a problem, like even though its obvious there has been famik problems the parents just blame us kids like there is somethign wrong with US and dont take any responsibility isnt that frustrating?

i just read your post and i understand completely what you mean, i have same if not simiiar stiuation.; how do you deal wih it? ?? did you confront? how did you break away from it? i cant move out yet im 22 but i plan on it as soon as i make enough money to, its so difficult though to like function as a full person when that sort ofbehavior.

I want to know a better way of showing independence to earn his trust and make my own financial decisions.

"Showing Independence" when you can't foot your own bills= Shooting Self in Foot.

Daddy controls the purse strings....so you better jump when he says and ask how high...LOL

.....you can cut that line of control VERY easily.

MAKE YOUR OWN MONEY.

....trust me I know....been there, done that...

do you pay your own college tuition and expenses?

Hi everyone,

I just recently found this forum. It has not been too active for a while. But perhaps people are still listening. I figured I might add my voice to this forum talking about over controlling and manipulative parents, as that is the situation I currently find myself in. Nothing that I can really do about the situation, but I thought it might make me feel better to talk about it anonymously, and is certainly cheaper than therapy.

Wow.... where to begin? I am currently 35 (single).... own a nice home, drive a nice car, no health problems at the moment, and I think I live a fairly good life. Considering the household that I grew up in, I find that to be amazing. That I succeeded in spite of all of that crap.

At this stage in my life if my folks (my mother in particular) want to continue to try to control me... they can try, but I think I would just laugh at them at this point. My situation differs a bit from the rest here. My sister was born with a mental disability. It has never really been classified medically what is wrong with her. She is not retarded, more of an emotional problem really. The best I can describe it, is imagine being permanently 6 years old mentally, she is actually 38 years old today. She still lives with them in their house. This is where my troubles begin....

My folks are getting older now 60+, and they are flat out refusing to acknowledge that they will not live forever, and they are not doing anything to help prepare my sister for as normal an existence as possible. They recently made out their will naming me as executor. Let me just point this out to be clear. I have no need or desire for any of their money, property, etc. What I do want from them is to help my sister find a job and start working, so she can interact with other people. Unfortunately, I really do not have a good relationship with my sister. To be honest.... I just do not have the patience for it. I know that might make me sound cold, but growing up my folks never stressed us playing together etc. All of those normal fights and interactions between brother and sister never really took place. I think if most of you think back on the relationship you have with siblings it really started when you are children. I think they always felt the need to "coddle" her against the world. Even though that was actually the worst thing they could have done. As a result I really do not talk to my sister much.

I know that they expect me to take care of her when they are gone. There are no other siblings, and the rest of my family by then will be to old to do much of anything. So imagine living with that thought in the back of your mind for your whole life since you were old enough to understand.

Now imagine how you would feel when you see your folks do nothing to try to help your sister's situation. I feel like I am being thrown under the bus. That they are deffering all of their parental responsibilities on me. Responsibilities that are rightly not mine, and I never wanted. As in.... "we do not have to worry about our daughter because our son will take care of everything later.... so we will just not think about...."

This is actually very much my mothers fault. My mother for most of her life has had pretty severe mental problems in my opinion. But according to my mother and father... she is just fine. She is a hyper germaphobe, uses 6 cans of lysol spray a day, exibits lots of obsessive compulsive type "rituals", facial grimaces (ticks) the works. And she is also a total control freak. Certainly not a good combination to be growing up around. Just to put this sort of nuttiness into perspective...... We used to live in NYC growing up, in a 6 story apt building. My mother was hyper obsessed about keeping ALL the windows closed (lived on the 5th floor)and locked at all times... because you know..... someone could break in. So bad were her irrational obsessions that everyone in the house had to follow those insane rules as well. Most of the time my father was so beaten down by her that he would tell me... "For peace in the house.... just do whatever she wants". From what I have seen so far, most of my fathers life has been spent trying to apease my mothers insane obsessions. This is always a loosing battle, and he is always miserable. Of course my sister did not know any better... and would always do anything she said without question. Her mental disability does not make her mentally strong enought to stand up to her. Having friends was difficult if not impossible until I got into HS and my mother had no way to "get to me" for most of the day. There were so many insane rules I had to follow that it was just not possible for me to have any friends over etc.

All of that is in the past now.... and there is nothing that I can do about it. I think I have made it very clear to them how bitter I still am for all of that... and I do not think it is undeserved. Well there is certainly more to tell and I would like to. If there are people still watching this forum... let me know... more to come....

my dad has always been controlling over me, my 2 sisters and my brother, and my mother too! we sat down and had a talk last year about how his attitude and aggression was affecting us and we ended up arguing over it (took a lot of guts to speak to him cos we were all so scared!).

one of my sisters is disabled and he said she was just attention seeking cos she was finding it hard to walk. he absolutely hates my brothers wife because she wears too much make-up and always looks smart (my dad lies in jeans, a jummper and wellington boots!) and he doesnt talk to my sister (his step-daughter) cos of his previous acts of abuse which he claims to have been fun but tying her up, force feeding her mustard and then calling her all sorts because she was throwing up and crying afterward is not fun at all!!

i have recently got into a loving and honest relationship with a guy i have known mainly online, but i know him just as well in person because of our online conersations. i found out at the beginning of our relationship that his brother is in jail for murder and i told my parents after 4 months in because i thought it would give them the chance to get to know him before they saw some bad family background from his side!

i told them about his brother last week and both my parents said i need to be careful and get out of this situation now cos i could end up being tarred with the same brush and in the future our kids could end up getting bullied, etc. My boyfriend has said though that he never intends on having a relationship with his brother for the simple reason that he killed someone and he's never got on with him since they were kids (his brother has some sort of mental disability that makes him hyper all the time and the only was to calm him down is to give him certain prescribed tablets - they would make a normal person go crazy!). the police have said he wont be allowed back into their hometown for his safety after he finishes his sentence and if he does come back my boyfriend doesnt want to be anywhere near him.

my boyfriend asked me to ask my parents if he could talk to them both and try and put their minds more at ease... my mother agreed but my dad said no! along with other things such as "i might say something i will regret" and "if he loses his rag then i will end up punching him" (very grown up huh?).

they both told me this morning that i have got to finish with him... i met up with him about an hour later and we talked things through and i said what my parents want me to do but i just couldnt. we agreed to stay together and be strong for each other. i came home then and my parents said "so how did it go?" and i said i couldn't do it! i am seriously inlove with the guy. my dad said if i didn't he would go round his house and do it for me. and i am no longer to contact him cos i will end up getting back with him! i went along with it for now until i can sort something out for me to move out, even if its into a crappy council flat for now. i am desperately hunting for a job as well but if i have to temporarily live of benefits for now, i will.

i can see my parents point where i could end up with problems, but im not willing to throw away the perfect relationship (to me) because of something my boyfriend hasn't even done!! my parents have been saying all week that it's my decision.... but i have to split up with him! its never my decision. i think my dad is mostly concerned on his reputation with his mates cos he's never done anything wrong.

they say im not grown-up enough to make my own decisions - i'm 21.. jus moved back home after 9 months of living away to go to Uni where i cooked, cleaned, fed and washed myself everyday... im not grown up enough?!

it has come to the point now though that my brother and 1 sister is against me for this relationship which i am 100% happy in. my boyfriend wouldn't hit or hurt me because he went through a patch of seeing his dad hit his mother. my other sister said i shouldn't have said anything... atleast i was honest, the most my parents could do is support me! my boyfriend is innocent and doesnt wanna have a relationship with his brother.. whats the problem?!

all my friends said i gotta stay with him and not let them win cos i am in the right and my parents shouldnt be judging an entire family on one persons mistakes.

I dont want to mess things up with my family.... but I also dont want to lose the one good thing that's come into my life and made me so happy. I can see a future for us but my parents dont want us to go that far down the track because, like i said perviously, I could end up being made out to be bad cos I'm going out with/married the brother of a murder and our kids could end up getting bullied in school because of what their uncle has done.

The family of the boy who got murdered have forgiven my boyfriends family for what happened because they know his brother had problems and understand it wasnt the rest of the family's fault for the way he turned out.

any views or advice you can give me on this?

if i stay here any longer, my dad is gonna start criticising my job application choices as well cos he's done it before. he wouldnt have let me go to uni and move up there if our family hadn't told him how we feel about his anger issues! ...oh and he also so said to my face "im glad your back home from uni now because i can keep an eye on you again.." controlling much? i think so!