....

I think about dying a lot these days.

More often than I should.

I get sick a lot. And there's nothing anyone can do for me because it's "depression related".

How much longer am I supposed to be in pain???

It's not just emotional, but physical...and the physical is supposed to be related to the emotional...and I just want it all to stop.

Who cares where it comes from or why?

It's there, and I just want it to go away.

Why is living so hard? And it's not just the rape. The rape isn't the only time I've taken advantage of or treated as if I were nothing.

What gives someone else the right to commit a crime against another person?

And a random person at that.

What gives someone the right to enter into someone's life, mess it up, and walk away unscathed?

How does something like that just happen?

I don't want to be a victim, I never did.

But here I am...victimized, how am I supposed to live with that?

And I feel like dirt, I feel like the lowest of the low.

I feel unworthy of good things.

How do I convince myself that I didn't deserved to be raped?

If I didn't deserve it then why did it happen to me?

What have I done to be treated so badly?

I just can't understand it. And I try, and I try, daily, and I can never figure it out.

I can't figure it out and it just drives me crazy, and I just want to die.

I can't keep living in pain like this.

I'm tired of being abused just because I'm in existence, it's not fair.

Why should I be mistreated just because I'm there?

How in the world am I supposed to protect myself?

Somebody, please tell me! I don't know how to do it! And I need to know.

How can I continue living if I can't protect myself.

It's better being dead.

Living daily in pain isn't living.

I don't live anymore, all I do is feel pain.

What kind of life is that?

Why am I this way?

I can't take it you guys.

I can't take this anymore.

Hey sweetie,

I am so sorry for your pain. This should have never happened to you, and there is no real explanation for it that would comfort you or make it right. You were violated, and you need help to get over that. You will probably never really forget that this happened to you, but you will be strong enough to learn to live with it. I am sure of that.

Yes, physical pain can be a symptom of emotional pain. Especially head aches and irritable bowels can come from stress or trauma. You need to discuss things with your doctor and I hope you have a good therapist to guide you. I know you are strong enough. In time you will see the good things in life and in other humans. Right now, your vision is colored and blurred by this horrible incident.

We can never really protect ourselves fully for things that harm us. We all take a set of risks on a daily basis, and never even think of them. The only option to avoid risks is then to stay in bed, but then also your house can burn down, you see? Your question is still based on the thought that you could have avoided this to happen to you, and I hope in time, you will accept that this happened to be the case, and no, you couldn't have helped it. You didn't know someone was aiming to hurt you, otherwise you wouldn't have talked to him, right?

Your life (the feeling of being fully alive and enjoying it) feels like it has been ripped away, for now. But you will be able to gain that back. The joy of life exists in your own person, and it is still there. It's just not within your reach because of what happened. It's not who you are, it's what this has done to you. Please call your therapist tomorrow, print this post of yours and let her/him read it.

Take care and keep us posted. You can write whenever you need, also in pm if you want.

Ilse

Gracelove,

I don't have the right words for you maybe, because I haven't been through a rape. But I know what is depression, I've been living with it all my life. I also know the feelings about death... I've been there.

I know a woman that had been going through what you're living right now. She got over it, but lived in hell for many years. She has a ministry now, specially for those like you. She just encourage people that are suffering to get over it with what makes her strong enough to live happy. Her ministry is based on God's word. I don't want to force you to believe in him if you don't. Just want to let you know that there's hope. If you want to take a look for her page this is: link removed

I emailed her once about another stuff and she sent me a book for free. Maybe you could try the same.

I hope I could help you somehow. And any time you want you can send me a private message.

Daniela