tired of waiting- want to be engaged/married!

My boyfriend and I have been together for 8 years now. We both know we want to get married to each other, and have known for years now. The first 4 years, I was in school. The last 4 years, I've been waiting for him to get on the ball! I am ready to get married and he feels like he needs to get his act together before we can do this. He is working towards his dream career, but it is taking forever! I feel like I've reached some type of breaking point lately. I love him but I am so sick of waiting! He needs this career for himself- so he can feel that his is worth something on his own- before he marries me. I will be the main breadwinner, so he needs this to satisfy his own feelings of self worth! I've told him over and over again that it doesn't matter what he does! Also, I know there is no way for you all to understand this, but I promise I am not delusional about how he feels about me or that we want the same things. He is getting sick of me hounding him, and I'm getting very sad waiting to get on with my life!

Any advice or help is sooo appreciated. I'm at wits end!

How old are you both?

Welcome to eNotalone.

I think it's just time you told him to make up his mind about the direction of the relationship.

Don't force him, don't say stuff like, "you need to this this..." etc.

say, "you know, I really feel that I am ready to be married and take the next step in my life. and I would like to be married to you. but lately, I am not sure that you feel the same way about me, and it makes me sad. If this is not the right relationship for us, then I think it is best to part ways, as I do want to be married someday, and I am starting to fear it won't happen with you."

see what he says to this.

That's great advice Annie. I really agree.

You have been together for long enough to know whether or not you can live with each other forever. And obviously being together for so long has proved that you can.

I can understand him wanting to get his dream career going, but getting married isn't stopping that. It does seem like it's at the point where he either needs to commit to you, or let you move on with your life.

Did he want to get married in the first 4 years of your relationship?

I am 27 and he is 28.

Annie- I actually had a conversation with him that basically said, the long way, what you suggested. His response was "yes, I want to get married to you. I need to fix this issue (career) about myself first." So it was inconclusive, really, because he's been needing to fix this issue with himself for the last 4 years. I can't even tell you how many times we've had this same conversation now. There is no way for him to hammer out some kind of timeline for his career issue, so there is no way for me to know whether I will be posting in 2012 "I've been with my boyfriend for 14 years now..." I know that sounds ridiculous, but I thought we'd be getting hitched after I graduated. And then 1 year turned into 4... How can I possibly draw a line? On the other hand, how can I wait forever?

The first 4 years- Yes, we talked about it. We were probably both completely sure about it after 2 years.

I know it sounds like a lame excuse, this career thing, and I see why people ask why he can't work on it while we are engaged/married. But the career thing is some type of superficial manifestation of his feelings of lack of self-worth. So it isn't really that he's got to get this career going, it's that he needs to fix his self-worth problem, and apparently, the career will do that...

I believe its something larger than the whole job thing. Especially if it is something where he isnt exactly applying himself to. If you have to hound him about getting married then I think you need to face the fact that although he says that he does want to get married that he is prolonging it because he doesnt feel there is a consequence for doing so.

I agree with Day Walker. I have a feeling that there is something more than just the career thing.

But maybe it is just about having a good career to him, but even that doesn't make it better. It would be one thing if he was scared that you don't have enough money to support each other or pay the bills.

The way it's going, these 8 years are going to turn into 12. Normally I would say that it's wrong to break up with someone just because they aren't ready to get married, but your relationship is a different story.

Honestly, I think it's time that you tell him that you can't wait around for him anymore. If he wants to marry you, then he should marry you. But if he's still busy trying to find his self worth, then you just can't wait for it.

The first 4 years- Yes, we talked about it. We were probably both completely sure about it after 2 years.

 

I know it sounds like a lame excuse, this career thing, and I see why people ask why he can't work on it while we are engaged/married. But the career thing is some type of superficial manifestation of his feelings of lack of self-worth. So it isn't really that he's got to get this career going, it's that he needs to fix his self-worth problem, and apparently, the career will do that...

I am a little confused if after 2 years you knew you wanted to get married why did you not do it then? Could you not have been married while going to school?

I'm a firm believer in the 2 year rule. If a man is going to marry you, he will propose within the first few years.

What would it hurt him to propose and promise you that one day you two will be married? There is no reason. If he wants to marry you in the future, he would have proposed. You don't have to be married tomorrow.

After 8 years, if he hasn't proposed I would assume he is not going to. My advice? Propose to him yourself. If he says no, you have to walk. You're ready for marriage, and if he isn't, he isn't the one for you.

Hmmm. Consequences for prolonging things- the longer he waits, the older he will be when we finally have kids (this is important to him, in fact, I think he wants kids more than I do right now), the more he has to wait until we can see each other on a more frequent basis. (Oh, I'm trying to keep this on topic and superficial, but now I must explain that the last few years have been a mini-LDR- 3 hr drive, so it's weekends only. And he works retail, so his days off are fri/sat, and mine are sat/sun. So we get in about 40-44 hours between fri. evening and sun. am.)

The career thing- it's certainly not for lack of trying. He said he was thinking seriously about proposal in January, because he thought he would be going to school that spring, and in his mind, that made him worthy enough to move on with me. In fact, I even remember him asking me my ring size. But school plans fell through. Right now he has a volunteer gig related to the field he squeezes into one of his days off.

Am I just making excuses for him at this point? I really do want this to work out...

I said to him last night, "look, the reason I keep bugging you about it is because if it isn't going to happen, I need to know, so I can move on." And, the funny thing is, we keep just kept talking and then.... I can't even tell you now if we ever got a concrete response. Does that make sense? I'm just realizing now that I try to have the conversations so I can clear things up, but I get excuses, not answers!

Hmm, I'll e-mail him and try to get a conclusive recap of his response...

I wanted to wait until I was done with school, hence no proposal at two year mark.

I told him early in the relationship that I did not want to get engaged if I was not going to be planning a wedding right away. At the time, I had a lot of friends who felt that engagement was some higher level of dating. We both agreeed that engagement means you are planning to get married very shortly. Hence, no proposal until he really has things lined up so we can get married quickly following proposal.

We have talked about me proposing to him, and he says he would just feel so emasculated. He is okay with me being the breadwinner and him staying home to care for the children (this is what we'd prefer) but he draws the line and me proposing and presenting him with a mens diamond engagement watch or whatever it is the they do these days.

I know it seems like I am rebutting everyones comments with excuses and such, but I'm so attached to this relationship. I really want to find a way for this to work. No one suggests I get over my urges to get marriedso soon and hang out for a while? Let him do his thing?

Oh, man, you all think I'm stupid, don't you...

well... I agree with day_walker and maggie. there is a bigger issue at play.

while I understand him wanting to get established.... BUT.... there is never really any "right time" to get married. People have all sorts of issues, such as illnesses in the family, career problems, money troubles, yet people get married every single day! there is no need for a big fancy wedding, you can have a small intimate gathering. if he is committed to you and you to him, then I can only see marriage as a plus, not something that will keep him from getting the career he needs. If anything, some employers may even look favorably that he is married, they may think such a person may be more serious about their job, as they have someone else to look after.

I definitely know one such case of a woman who wants to fire her employee, but because he has a pregnant wife, she decided not to... he is very incompetent though, and had he not been married and have a baby on the way, she would have fired him a LONG time ago.

Anyways, I also agree with the 2 year rule. (maybe 3-4 years if the couple is younger than 25).

Maybe you should just propose to him yourself, and if he says no, then leave forever.

I don't see at all why "now isn't the right time." If you find someone you love, you want to hold onto them, and make sure they don't get bored and run off.

I wonder if he isn't sure about the wedding, that is why he keeps postponing?

I really believe he's just making excuses.

IF A MAN WANTS YOU

If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away.

If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay.

Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior.

Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.

Stop trying to change yourselves for a relationship that's not meant to be.

Slower is better.

Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.

If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve

then heck no, you can't "be friends." A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend.

Don't settle. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is.

Don't stay because you think "it will get better." You'll be mad at yourself

a year later for staying when things are not better.

The only person you can control in a relationship is you.

Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women.

He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant,

Why would he treat you any differently?

Always have your own set of friends separate from his.

Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you.

If something bothers you, speak up.

Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later.

You cannot change a man's behavior. Change comes from within.

Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are...even if he has

more education or in a better job. Do not make him into a quasi-god.

He is a man, nothing more nothing less.

Never let a man define who you are.

Never borrow someone else's man.

Oh Lord! If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you.

A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you.

All men are NOT dogs.

You should not be the one doing all the bending.. compromise is a two-way street.

You need time to heal between relationships...there is nothing cute about

baggage... deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship

You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you...a relationship consists

of two WHOLE individuals...look for someone complimentary...not supplementary.

Dating is fun...even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right.

Make him miss you sometimes...when a man always know where you are, and your always readily available to him- he takes it for granted.

Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need.

Keep him in your radar but get to know others.

Share this with other ladies..... You'll make someone SMILE, another

RETHINK her choices, and another woman PREPARE.

They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate

them, a day to love them and an entire lifetime to forget them.

BY THE WAY, THIS WAS WRITTEN BY A MAN, SO TAKE A HINT..............

I would totally just propose to him. Tell him how much he means to you and such and what the last 8 years have meant. LOL CRY!! Get down on one knee and I bet he won't say no.

If he does, well, then, that's his problem. Move on.

No one suggests I get over my urges to get marriedso soon and hang out for a while? Let him do his thing?

Honey - you've been "hanging out" for 8 years. Why would we suggest you hang out for a while more? I think 8 years is enough time to make a decision.

I think he will almost certainly say yes if you ask him to marry you. Setting a date however - that's another story.

I think he will almost certainly say yes if you ask him to marry you. Setting a date however - that's another story.

yeah... if he keeps dragging his heels... who know if he will ever set the date.

I think it was on the Blue Collar Comedy tour, like a fake commercial, "Diamonds - that will shut her up.... for now...."

don't get into a situation where you are engaged, but the wedding date doesn't really exist. it doesn't have to be right away, it can be 2 years from now if you are planning a large elaborate wedding (which you have to have 2 years to get the right locations, if they are very in demand!)

I wanted to wait until I was done with school, hence no proposal at two year mark.

 

I told him early in the relationship that I did not want to get engaged if I was not going to be planning a wedding right away.

Maybe he is a bit gun shy. Sounds like you have been making the rules in this relationship. I suspect there is something more to this as well.

To be honest, after 8 years, if he is still in the "getting things squared away" mode, it's probably not going to happen. After eight years, there are few things that can't be squared away after marriage ... my sense is that it's likely that either (1) there is something else going on that makes him not want to commit to marriage or (2) he is the type who wants to have everything, and I mean everything, just "so" before he moves to another life stage. The problem with "2" is that these sorts are ALWAYS discontent and living in the future ... there is never a perfect time for marriage, for kids, for moving, for changing a job, etc. ... some things in life you just have to DO them when they come along, but if your BF is a number (2) I would also be very worried because it is a decisionmaking personality issue that cascades onto all major decisions.

I think if you force the issue you would be better off than being strung along for more time, if in fact, as you say, you want to be married.

More behind the career thing, you say? Yes. The career thing is what he leans on because of... issues. He dreads social functions because he doesn't want people to ask "what do you do?" He wants to have his own small business, so there is no employer to appease here by getting married. When I ask him about this stuff, he just gets down on himself. "I don't know what I'm doing. I don't have enough friends. I don't do cool things." Then we get into talking about his problems instead of why we can't get married.

So... I haven't flat out said, "you need to do this now, or I'm leaving." Because he probably will, and then be unhappy because he was forced to do it. I don't want to force him to do it. He wants to do it on his own terms. Even I want him to do it on his own terms. (haha, I just want his terms to be soon!)

Anyway, it sounds like everyone says I should leave because he's not gonna do it. So what now? "Alright, I've been hounding you for the last year now. I can't wait anymore. So goodbye."

I can't give him some kind of timeline, but I don't feel like I should just cut him off right now, right away. Should I say, okay, I'll shut up about the issue for x months, so he can feel like he is doing it on his own terms. And after x months, throw him the "I can't wait anymore, goodbye" line?

Honestly honey, how much longer are you willing to wait? 8 years is a very long time to be just dating someone. Why won't he commit to you? That's the problem.

If he is indeed one of those 'everything has to be perfect' people, you will never be married, and you will always have a life where you are trying to make everything perfect because no progress is made otherwise. Yuck.

If it's because he just isn't ready, it's probably that you two just aren't meant to be. Any man who does the "i'm not ready" thing normally means "i'm not ready to get married to YOU." Sadly, it's the truth.

There's a book called "He's just not that into you." It's true, and it's comical at the same time.

I can honestly say to you honey, that you are completely wasting your time. If you tell him "we have to be engaged by 6 months from now", 6 months will come and he'll tell you "another 6 months" and you'll stay. That is the recurring theme in these situations.

To be quite blunt, I would walk. I would walk, and if he doesn't come back with a ring, he's not the one for you. That's the simple way to solve this.

I agree with BeyondtheSea all the way. Two years MAX being together before a person knows whether or not to get married. Eight years together and no ring is ridiculous IMO. The career things is an excuse. When a person REALLY wants to do something, he/she will...no matter what. Money should never stand in the way. Even if he does not have ring right now to give, he can still ASK you anyway.

I am so sorry but I highly doubt he is going to ask. Perhaps he has that "why buy the cow when I can get the milk for free" frame of mind right now. He has everything he ever needs, why would he want to "fix it if ain't broken?" Your only option if you want to stay is to ask him to marry you. But seriously, 8 years is way too long to be with someone without a serious committment. If you feel you are not rushing, why are you waiting?

What ever you do, do NOT buy big ticket items with him without marriage if you have not already. Such as a house, car, major appliances, etc...it gets very ugly when things do not work out. Good luck and take care.

I have a friend who has been in a relationship for 2-3 years now. He treats her terribly and has even told her that he will not marry her. She wants to be married. He is emotional abusive. We all tell her to leave, but she won't listen.

I don't want to be her.

If I asked all my friends whether I should stay or go, they'd say "Are you crazy? Stay! He is the nicest guy ever, and you love each other, what's a wait compared to getting the kind of guy you were meant to be with?" This is true. I can't imagine anyone more perfect for me. We respect each other. We don't squabble over small things or try to control each other. We've have helped one another become better people. He's taught me how to admit fault & apologize, and clean up a bit (like, not be so messy), I've taught him to stand up for himself and take chances. We've shared interests with each other and explored new interests together. He's just a good guy, you know, the kind of guy every girl's mother loves. And the spark is still there after 8 years.

So here's the deal. We had a major conversation about this over the weekend, and, like I said, we talked it out and I realized later there was nothing conclusive. I needed something concrete.

My e-mail:

I just need to know that I am not wrong in staying in this relationship and waiting for the next step... I don't need to know when it is going to happen, I just need to know that it will happen in some reasonable time frame. Okay. That is is. I swear if I can get a straight answer out of you (which I don't think I've gotten), I let this issue rest!

His response:

You are not wrong in staying in this relationship. The next step will happen soon; let's figure out how we want to do it. I'm sorry; I was feeling down for a while, and I questioned our relationship- in that order. I'm confident you and I will be able to do anything we want once we're together.

I really believe he means this and isn't just saying this to appease me. We have talked about this issue often, but this is the only time he's actually said that it would be soon. (I know you are all rolling your eyes!)

I think I'm a logical person and I'm surprised that my situation has resulted in someone suggesting that I read "He's just not into you." (Not that I think that is bad advice for some people. Maybe my friend in the abusive relationship needs to read that one.) But when I think about it, I would probably also tell me that I am being naive.

I've recently discovered link removed. So there's a name for the last couple years of my relationship. Pre-engagement limbo. Those are exactly the symptoms we are experiencing right now, and hopefully, soon, we will be past them.

Thanks everyone for all of your input. It really helped me realize some things, and I might not be taking the advice it seems you are all suggesting, but I am appreciative all the same. Hopefully I can come back to this thread in the near future with some good news...