"closure?" i know, i know, but hear me out.

for the record, i have consistently maintained NC since my breakup, aside for some communication about giving our things back to each other.

i had what can be defined as a BAD BREAKUP. you can check out past threads of mine (example: "so why are they MEAN?" on getting back together) to get the gist. basically, my ex was the one who wanted out of our rather stable relationship. we never fought much, no drama in the relationship and relatively little towards the end as well. and at the end i was desperately working to mend the things that were falling apart, i was not being a pill until the one last fight we had in which he asked to break up. and then all of a sudden, in the breakup, he was a HUGE jerk. he wanted to blame me for everything, said some hugely insulting things that were completely irrelevant to the breakup (such as insulting my family and political beliefs).

on top of that, he's been really hurtful since the breakup, even though i have left him alone. this has included inviting my best friend whom he barely knows to one of his shows (he's a musician) and enlisting several people to give my things back to me. the one time i asked him to respond to an email about some things i needed back, he answered very tersely, and otherwise blew me off.

now, i've come to understand a little WHY he is doing this: he needs to act like i'm the problem so he can feel better about what he's done, and for hurting me, and for giving me up. but i still do not feel better about it.

even though it's not usually the best way to go about things, i've thought about contacting him for closure. i don't expect things to end on a great note, but i want them to end on a BETTER note than they did. but if contacting him is still not a good idea, i want to know your suggestions for healing from this. i have accepted the breakup, but what has been the hardest part is the meanness that came from this person whom i thought never had such bitterness in him. i NEED to feel better about this person because i have felt like such an idiot for investing a year and a half into this "great" man who completely stomped on my heart. i need to feel better about it for me, so i don't feel like i wasted this time, and i haven't been able to find ways to heal within myself.

any suggestions??

Thanks Joyce, for this post.

I want closure too. I want to sit down and ask all these questions and scream, "Why?", but I cannot. If I do, I will be a blubbering idiot. I have to go down this weekend and get some stuff and I thought to myself that I need to ask her about some hurtful things she said recently. I know I said stuff in the past too, but this stuff was recent, as if she was trying to get at me.

I want the closure, but I don't want the pain to come with it. I am going to feel like I am at step 1 again, I know.

I also agree with feeling like I wasted all this time in my life, being with her. I don't know how else to put it. Isn't that a sad part to be thinking about. I should be thinking of how to bring more joy to others lives and yet all I can think about is how much I hurt.

i agree with you on that, i fear it would take me several steps back, which is why i would only do it after considering it for a looooong time.

i don't really want to ask "why?" he's already given me some of the answers as to how he sees where we went wrong, and all those were about blaming me. i don't think he really knows, i just think he felt he had to do it. in fact, i KNOW he felt he "had to do it," he said that to me. i think a lot of the time, the dumper doesn't REALLY know why it doesn't feel right anymore, he just knows he needs to get out.

what i want is a peaceful way to cap things off. i'm accepting now that it's probably over, whereas before i was having a harder time with it. and some have said, "well, doesn't him being a jerk make it easier to want to move on?" in some ways, sure, i guess. but again, my greater need is to feel better about the time i spent with him, and as superdave recommends, i want to "let him go with love." i wish my ex had let me do that. i think that would have been nice, feeling that i loved him so much that i would let him go if he really wanted it. i want to believe in love, not hate.

well need2bme, even if closure isn't the best idea for us, i think we certainly have the right to try to get it. only thing is, the probability that we will get satisfactory conversation out of them is probably...low.

so again, any recommendations as to how to find closure when finding it in yourself is proving to be rather inconclusive?

I wish I could tell you how to find the closure you need. I haven't been able to get any either, but if I figure out a way, I'll let you know. My ex spoke beautiful words of love to me until TWO DAYS before he dumped me in THREE WORDS in a text message. He refused to talk to me in person. I keep thinking if I could have talked to him, I'd feel better, but it wasn't an option, he won't even see me or take my calls. I even wasted money on a stupid psychic!!! It's awful when you don't understand why someone did what they did, in the WAY they did it. I have had NC with him for over two weeks, but I have to see him next weekend. I don't know if he'll acknowledge me or not. I kind of thought we needed a peaceful ending, as you said, BUT I'm finding that I feel better the last few days by being angry, and trying to fall out of love with him. I made a LONG list of things that I don't like about him, and the thoughtless things he did that hurt me. I've been re-reading the list everyday, especially when I start "romanticising" him again...to remind myself he isn't the perfect man I thought he was. He's a jerk for treating me like he did. Good luck

ooh, that's a good one brickchamp. i made a list of all the things i didn't like about my ex a couple days after the breakup. i think it's about time i made another one...more and more reasons pile up in my head all the time, plus he keeps doing even more crappy things to make the list longer.

yeah, my ex was being a sweetheart right before the breakup too. he even sent me really sweet and loving birthday cards a couple days before my bday (he was traveling at the time), and because he addressed them incorrectly they got there a week after we broke up. so post-breakup i had to read about how he "loved me more with each card" and how he couldn't wait to come home to me. what is THAT!?

and by the way, i almost went to a psychic too... my friends weren't giving me satisfactory answers, i was willing to try ANYTHING!

if it makes you feel any better, a guy once kicked me to the curb in a similar way to yours, a few vague words and no explanation, wouldn't even respond to my calls or emails. by the time he figured out he was a jerk and called to apologize (and ask for me back), it was eight months later...unfortunately, i doubt your ex will realize what a jerk he's being anytime soon, but at some point he probably will. good luck to you too.

Yeah, is that cowardly or what? Not even breaking the news to us in person! I'm dreading seeing my ex next weekend..I just don't know what to expect. I'm not going to be mean or nice....I'm just going to act like he was never special to me..like he never existed. Wow, yours came back to apologize EIGHT MONTHS later? That's a little late dude! ha What did you say to him? I wish mine would realize he's being a jerk when he sees me...it's easy to not think about what you've done when you don't see someone for a month, but maybe when he's around me again, it will hit him. But you're probably right that he'll be clueless, or just won't care! Well, glad to hear the list making works for you..I think it's a pretty good system! Keep writing it all down!!!!!

Oh, and glad you didn't throw your money away with a psychic like I did...the lady spent more time talking about her CATS than my relationship! She didn't answer ONE question I had...$70 down the drain, oh well...ha I did go to a tarot card lady before the breakup, and I have to say, some of what she said has been pretty accurate...spoooky. She said he was going to hurt me....and whatdoyaknow, he DID! But at least I had no death in my future! ha Gotta look at the positives I guess!

yeah, unfortunately, i don't think a month after the breakup is enough time for it to sink in what he's lost, especially knowing what kind of breakup you had. in my experience, the couples who got back together that fast were still in touch, i think probably because the parties who broke it off knew they weren't totally done with their SO's, couldn't let go fully. i would venture to guess your ex is in denial about you, and even seeing you won't really make anything click in his brain. just a guess, though.

actually, come to think of it, i surprised the "8 month" guy about two weeks after he tried to dismiss me by coming to one of his shows. um, it didn't go well, he continued to be a scared little jerk and refused to speak to me. so prepare yourself for the worst...but if you guys do talk to each other, be polite, even to the point of being fake-nice. he's gotta remember what a sweetie he's missing out on. my mom says, and it's true, "you'll never regret being classy."

oh, and when 8 month guy did call me, i told him in so many words to f*ck off...he fully acknowledges now that i served his balls to him on a platter. hahaha. i was able to do that because i'd found a better guy, so naturally, i felt pretty confident telling him to screw off. (we're friends now, it's taken us a long time to get here, though.) but surprisingly, he says he really respected me for telling him off, and he said he couldn't get it out of his head for months that i had called him a "bad person." and for the record, he drank an entire bottle of gin after that phone conversation, hahahah.

Brickchamp: I have to see my ex this weekend and next weekend AND I am NOT looking forward to it. We had a phone call last night, where she dropped in little bombs about us, here and there. I don't understand why someone would say something to hurt someone, that they have to know is hurting. Maybe a defense mechanism, I don't know.

this is hitting too close to home. since last thursday night, my ex just completely stopped talking to me. i didn't know what was going on. we made potential plans to go out during the weekend and he's not picking up his phone. it killed me. i sent him a text message with "i haven't heard from you. i'm worried." and nothing. then some time later, i text him again with "look, if you don't want to see me or talk to me anymore, just let me know because what you're doing is not cool." then i really got worried. i was hoping nothing happened to him. i even sent him last msg with "can you at least tell me you're alive and well? that's all i ask" and nothing. and monday rolled around and i knew he had work on monday and on the way to work the bus i take passes by where he works and i saw his car parked outside. so he is at work. i tried calling him one more time and he didn't pick up. i was expecting the worst. i had this feeling he didn't want to be with me anymore

i wasn't planning on doing this but it seemed like the right thing to do. the next day i happened to wake up at 7am (which is rare since i normally wkae up at like 10 for work) and i couldn't go back to sleep so i went over to the firehouse where he works to see him when he got out at 8am. apparently he had already left because his car wasn't there anymore when i passed by so i went to his place. i was like, one step behind him because as i was walking down the block, i saw him taking his stuff out of his car and going on. i was happy to see him, but at the same time, my stomach completely dropped, not knowing what to expect. so i rang his doorbell and he opened the door, though i dont know if he was surprised to see me. but basically, he didn't want to be with me anymore and that's why he ignored my phone calls. and i even asked him if he was going to eventually contact me and he siad he didn't know.

we talked and he told me his reasons and stuff, but it wasn't enough for me. i want closure too, but it's only been like 3 days, and i've been better than the past few days, but actually, i'm tearing up writing this. i also have so many questions, that i can't seem to get an answer to. i haven't tried to contact him since tuesday, and of course he hasn't either, but i'd like to. sometimes i even wonder if it could have been prevented, if i made different choices.

it hurts. it really does. and when he was stating his reasons, at times it seemed like he didn't care, but at other times it also seemed like he tried to make me feel better. like, he would say "it's not like you did anything wrong" and "'i'm sorry for being a jerk. you deserve better." even though my friends said he only said those things to protect my feelings because it would make him feel less guilty, even though he doesn't really care. it's just for his own conscious.

but we were so happy together. i dont understand how he did what he did. i'd like to believe alot of thing. and it would kill me to know he is with someone right now. i miss him so much. and the thing is he said there was lack of communication between us. well, he needs to communicate that with me. that's a start. to try to fix it instead of waiting for it to happen. you know? my friends say he just wants out and it's easier to hurt me without him actually seeing it, taht's why he ignored my phone calls. and this is actually the third time he broke up with me. except this time it's over. the first two times it was my fault.. well, partially my fault, but this time, it came out of nowhere.

but i totally feel you guys with the whys. i still want to know. and i still wish things were back to normal. when we were happy. i hate to believe he just used me, but we've been together for about 5 months and i met this guy off of myspace. one of my guy friends was being brutally honest with me, saying guys would go so low to get into a girl's pants. i think it was more than that though. he told me he loved me. and i didn't even ask him. i mean, i was the first one to say it, but he said i was crazy. and actually i was glad he told me the truth that he wasn't there yet, and not lie about it. so i stopped telling him that because i didn't want it to be awkward. and one day out of nowhere he told me he loves me. so he had to have loved me and i still hope he does. i *pray* he just needs his space and time and he'll realize he made a mistake, and that he's with someone new he just met off myspace. and it doesn't help that he doesn't keep in contact with his exes. that's what he told me and he really doesn't have females friends at all. so that means he's not going to keep in contact with me. my friend said basically his logic is, why keep in contact with them if he can't sleep with them, because bascially that's all he cares about. i do remember the second time we broke up, i was trying to mend things and i asked if we can be friends at least (but we got back together) and he asked me why. and that he'll just keep asking me for sex if that was the case. and jsut sex. i dont' understand how someone that loves me would do something like that. even on tuesday, after we talked and he was telling me he didn't want to be with me anymore, he tried to convince me to have sex with him.

it's unbelievable. almost like a nightmare. not real.

i'm sorry, i almost forgot what the original post is. i'm sorry for the ranting, but it's hard to get closure if the other person is being difficult. i haven't tried to contact him and he hasn't tried to contact me so of course i dont' know how hard it would be to get some closure, but at the same time i dont want closure. i want us to be back together and to be happy like before.

Wanting to see them in the image of what you used to see them as is normal I think. I myself have seen someone go from completely in love to down right cruel to me. Like he never loved me at all. And maybe he didn't. But you know what, I don't consider it wasted time at all. Did you have fun? Did you love him? Did you care? Did you FEEL? Then you my friend have experienced some of the most precious things in life, some of the things many people never even experience. You got something out of that relationship. At some point in time, you had happiness. That could NEVER be time wasted! You know the old saying "Life is what happens when we are busy making other plans"? Well, you were not busy, you were experiencing your life. No shame in that, no wasted time in that. It didnt work out as you dreamed it would, and what you are feeling now is regret that it didn't last...regret that HE didn't last...not regret that you wasted time....make that distinction in your mind. If you had NOT met him, if you had not ever come to feel the love that you felt (ok, feel) for him, THAT would have been time wasted.

I've often thought, i wish i never met him. But geez, look what all i would have also missed out on. This is the only man Ive ever truly loved, faults and all, and even though it is at an end, I will always be able to remember how it felt to have loved someone.

A final thought until you come to reach this point, mint chocolate chip and a Jamie Foxx movie during your revenge fantasy nights never hurt a girl either........

Salt

i can understand you, but to me, if this heartache and this pain comes with the experience of loving someone and someone loving you, i'd rather never fall in love at all. because i dont feel anyone should go through this pain. and if i never fall in love, i wouldn't know what i'm missing.

i specifically told myself i was going to avoid guys for a while because i had just gotten over someone and to avoid getting hurt, and this guy just comes along out of nowhere, steals my heart and sweeps me off my feet, and then stomped on it, ran it over with his honda accord, then reversed over it, and then tore it into shreds. that's how much i'm hurting right now. and i told myself i wasn't going to get involved with him, and i did. if i listened to myself, i wouldn't be going through this.

Saying "I wish I had listened to myself and never gotten involved with him" is something every female has or will utter at a minimum, once. this is just a right of passage. We all go through it. There was a reason you chose to ignore your own inner wisdom...what was it? Spend some time with that.

Salt

because i never listen to myself. that's why. you know what? i didn't plan on meeting him at all. one day i was on my way to work and he just called me to ask where i was. and he asked if we can meet and i figured, why not? and that's it. when i met him, i fell immediately. i thought he was the cutest thing ever. and after work he wanted to spend time and to call him when i got out of work. of course i didn't because not jsut did i not know this guy, but i didn't want to get involved. and so he called me when i was leaving, because he probably knew i wasn't gonig to call him. but i ended up spending time with him anyways.

it's just.. i never seem to learn.

Brickchamp: I have to see my ex this weekend and next weekend AND I am NOT looking forward to it. We had a phone call last night, where she dropped in little bombs about us, here and there. I don't understand why someone would say something to hurt someone, that they have to know is hurting. Maybe a defense mechanism, I don't know.

need2me...Thanks for the reply...You have to see yours too huh? I was supposed to this weekend, and last, but made excuses. Can't get out of it anymore unfortunately. I'll have to see him at least 4 more weekends this summer. Ugh! But the first meeting after the breakup will be the hardest I think, because I don't know what to expect. I don't know if he'll totally ignore me or what. We've had no contact for three weeks...he dumped me in a text, and wouldn't let me talk to him AT ALL. So when I think of what it'll be like to see him, my stomach does a flip flop. I'm just going to try to remain cool. I'm sorry your ex dropped bombs like that...why rub salt in your wounds? Did you call her? If you don't mind, please let me know how your weekend goes...It will be the first time you've seen her since the split? Meanwhile, I'm going to continue to mentally prepare myself!

i didn't plan on meeting him at all. .....and after work he wanted to spend time and to call him when i got out of work. of course i didn't because not jsut did i not know this guy, but i didn't want to get involved. and so he called me when i was leaving, because he probably knew i wasn't gonig to call him. but i ended up spending time with him anyways.

So, he made you do it? Nope. Not an answer. Reread the question.

Salt

this is hitting too close to home. since last thursday night, my ex just completely stopped talking to me. i didn't know what was going on. we made potential plans to go out during the weekend and he's not picking up his phone. it killed me. i sent him a text message with "i haven't heard from you. i'm worried." and nothing. then some time later, i text him again with "look, if you don't want to see me or talk to me anymore, just let me know because what you're doing is not cool."

 

wow, l0stNc0nfuzzLed, this sounds so eerily similar to what happened to me. What is it with these creeps? Do they have no conscience? I texted my guy for two days - NOTHING! And like yours, he told ME he loved me FIRST! And he would say things like "don't ever leave me," "you're the most important thing in my life," etc etc. GAG! When I didn't hear from him, like you, I was afraid he was ending it, but I did also worry something had happened to him. But really, I knew. I finally did what you did and told him to quit wasting my time, and asked if we still have something...all I got was "no." Great, thanks. Three nights before, he loved me sooo much. What the #&%$ happened? Was he lobotomized? How can someone change so radically? But it's like, were they NEVER going to tell us? Just never contact us again? It's such a low down, cowardly way out. They couldn't face us. I have to see my ex for the first time since he dumped me next weekend. I bet he won't have the ba**s to look me in the eye! Hang in there!!

no he didn't make me do it, but i didn't say no.

Brickchamp: I will fill you in on what happens, when I get back, but you have to do the same. To answer your questions, she called me then I called her back and was telling her some beautiful stuff I figured out. Then I guess her defense mechanisms kicked in.

As for rubbing salt in the wounds; maybe she thinks I deserve it. I mentioned about sleeping on the couch and she mentioned that was where I slept anyway. It was alsway that she could sleep and I couldn't. I would go to bed when I got sleepy. If she wanted me in there, why not tell me?

tonight i had a friend tell me, "well at least you loved! it is better to have loved and lost than never loved at all!"

umm...NEVER tell that to a friend fresh off of a breakup. the only way i could think to respond was, "that's a load of crap."

for now, and for the next several months at least, there's no way i'm going to think it was time well spent with someone who could so easily stomp on my heart. i gave him my virginity, i waited at home for months and months while he was gone for work, i gave him all my love, and what did he give me? a bunch of insults to remember right before i go to sleep and the second i wake up? thanks a lot. that's what i get for trusting someone 100%.

She probably expects you to just "do" things without being directed. Let me see, something like: "why would I have to tell you if i wanted you in there...why don't YOU want to be in there and do so because YOU want to? not because I TOLD YOU to...if you wanted to i woudnt have to mention it, so clearly you don't....etc etc ..you see where this is going. (Im just throwing this in because either she has said it or will likely say it if you ask her the 'why not tell me' question). Plus, you asked the board.

Your best response there would be to say something along the lines of wanting her to be able to sleep without you tossing and turning, and remaining on the couch out of concern for her getting her sleep. Something like that. remember: Concern for her.

When you fail to do something that you realize later you were expected to "just knowwwww" to do, try to defend its occurrance with some sort of concern for her, causing you to be placed in a sort of double jeopardy....most likely this will be accepted.

Salt

Brickchamp: I will fill you in on what happens, when I get back, but you have to do the same. To answer your questions, she called me then I called her back and was telling her some beautiful stuff I figured out. Then I guess her defense mechanisms kicked in.

 

As for rubbing salt in the wounds; maybe she thinks I deserve it. I mentioned about sleeping on the couch and she mentioned that was where I slept anyway. It was alsway that she could sleep and I couldn't. I would go to bed when I got sleepy. If she wanted me in there, why not tell me?

Thanks need2be....I hope it goes as well as possible for you. I know I'm being nosy to ask, but since I'll be faced with a similar situation soon, I'd like to know how you handled it.

saltwatergirl: That was a good response. When she brought it up, I guess I was caught off guard. She wasn't pulling any punches though. I slept on the couch before, because I wasn't sleepy. I would stay up and then fall asleep. I felt REALLY bad about it for a while and then especially after the breakup. I thought, "what did those actions show here?" Then, BOOM, out of the blue, after the breakup, she slams me with it. I guess it was bugging her.

brickchamp: I guess I will tread those waters first. I have to leave here to drive down there from here at 3PM. That should put me there about 9-9:30 ish. My stomach is already hurting. The drive is going to be horrible. I want to be able to get down there, hold my head up high, show her what she is missing. Part of me though, wants to just show her that I am the guy I was. You wanna know a secret though?

I really WANT to be the kind of person I was....Life was more fun then....

I was just thinking. The saddest part is, I need to sleep on the couch tonight, out of respect for the current situation. Talk about your irony...

so about the original intention of the thread--who thinks getting closure is a good idea?