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Thread: Understanding a depressed boyfriend?

  1. #1
    Solange
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    Understanding a depressed boyfriend?

    Lately, my long-term boyfriend has been fairly depressed. I've never dealt with this in a relationship before, and it's starting to get to me.

    He seems to absolutely HATE his life and everything in it right now. He's insanely stressed about money, whether or not he wants to continue doing the job he studied for (he's working directly in his field, and is now questioning whether or not it was all worth it).

    I am a very sensitive and loving person, and when he gets down like this, I usually absorb his negativity and take his problems on as my own. It's eating away at me.

    He is pessimistic, unaffectionate, lacks interest in sex, doesn't express his appreciation for me whatsoever, and tends to mope around and complain a lot.

    I love this man dearly, and want to try and understand him and what he might be going through. Depression and other types of anxiety run in his family, so this isn't surprising. Has anyone else had to face this type of challenge in a relationship? I just want to know that there is some light at the end of the tunnel.

    Thanks for reading.

  2. #2
    annie24
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    I would encourage him to talk to a counselor. if he has health insurance he can get some free or low cost counseling.

    don't absorb all his negativity, that is difficult on you also!

    I think it's pretty common in the mid 20s to wonder why you are in school, or why did you go to all that effort to get a job you really don't like.

  3. #3
    lonely days
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    Solange, just realise that your bf's depression has nothing to do with you, I was like your boyfriend 8 months ago and my gf bailed on me. It forced me to wake up and get some help. You say you love him and that means you should encourage him to get some help for the sake of your relationship, that's what people who love someone do. I only wish my ex would have encouraged me to work out some of my issues when i was in the depths of despair because I think she would have been pleased with the progress I have made in a relatively short period of time.

  4. #4
    dani_katze
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    Solange,
    I've bipolar depression, it means mood swing. But I've more depressiv episodes than manic. What I want to let you know with that is that is good for him to have someone who's lovely by his side or to encourage him to get some help. But he's the one who has to admit he has a problem and needs help.

    Depression can be treated, only if the person is humble and get help. If not, then you've to think about you're health then...

    Daniela

  5. #5
    Marco9i
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    Solange,

    Allow me to sympathize: I have experienced first hand the exact same situation with my gf that you described (although we're on a break now). I love her dearly, and it pains me to watch her in torment. I treat her like a princess, but my efforts feel futile: she acts the same regardless. All my love, enthusiasm and sexual interest is never reciprocated. YES, the whole situation is incredibly fustrating!
    The best thing you can do is direct him towards recovery. Suggest therapists, counselors and other social workers. Although you mention he is tight with money, tell him that the money he is saving himself is costing him a lifetime of agony. Further, he's depression is affecting you. If he loves you, he will realize that he is hurting a loved one through his actions.
    My (ex?) gf has her ups and downs, and although it is incredibly taxing on myself, I feel better knowing she is content.
    Remember: patience is a virtue.

    Marco

  6. #6
    alz

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    Quote Originally Posted by lonely days [Register to see the link]
    Solange, just realise that your bf's depression has nothing to do with you, I was like your boyfriend 8 months ago and my gf bailed on me. It forced me to wake up and get some help. You say you love him and that means you should encourage him to get some help for the sake of your relationship, that's what people who love someone do. I only wish my ex would have encouraged me to work out some of my issues when i was in the depths of despair because I think she would have been pleased with the progress I have made in a relatively short period of time.
    Lonely Days,
    im very new to this and not sure if your still around at all, but im dating a guy who sounds as though he's going thrugh a lot of what you have been ( read a few of your other posts) he's depressed and getting help but i need someone to talk to who's going/gone through what he is ,for me to try to understand a bit better, and get advice. If this gets to you, please contact me.

  7. #7
    bikerboi
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    I have been the depressed one...I lost my love of 8 years because I messed up and was like your boyfriend. I got help and got better but too late, she had gone by then. This was about 3 months ago. I wish she had done much more to help me through it amd make me see I needed help everything would have been ok then. If he truly loves you he will listen and seek the help to change for you and himself but you have to talk to him about it as much as you can and get it out in the open because in my case I was too scared to talk about it and pushed her away because I didnt want to burden her with my problems because I couldnt see that anything could make it better. I didnt see what was going on as I wrapped up in the hurt of depression which just felt like a nightmare all the time to me. Do all you can to get it in the open and get him to go see someone. Even if it hurts and creates friction now if he truly loves you he will see it in the end and understand and thank you years down the road. Without her leaving me I would never have been half the person I am now. I lost her but gained myself

  8. #8
    arenasm
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    How much help?

    Quote Originally Posted by bikerboi [Register to see the link]
    Without her leaving me I would never have been half the person I am now. I lost her but gained myself
    So you think it was a good thing that she left you? I'm trying to make sense of my boyfriend's situation, and how best to help him. He can't afford professional help right now ...

  9. #9
    mca1975

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    My boyfriend finds it also hard to deal with me when I'm depressed, though he has his fair share of feeling down at times, mainly about his job which he doesnt enjoy. I find it hard to handle it when he feels down as I am so prone to depression and anxiety its unreal. Other people's moods affect me and I am so sensitive and can be very emotional and dramatic. I need to stop, however, I am having an episode right now because I have had a miscarriage 6 weeks ago.

    I am sitting in front of my light box therapy lamp, which I am hoping will help. You could ask your BF to try that, I always feel happier in the sun.

  10. #10
    ForumGuy
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    Quote Originally Posted by arenasm [Register to see the link]
    So you think it was a good thing that she left you?
    I am in this situation, as the guy who is depressed, same symptoms and all. I would like to think my recent ex is doing "tough love" on me and several signs point to this, but not sure.

    I am late 40's and just began to realize my pattern with my last break-up and finally went for pro help. Never even occurred to me before now. What a relief! I now know that I have been suffering from a low-lying depression probably most of my life. I am lucky my insurance covers it so I only pay $20 per 1 hour therapy session. I look forward to them every week.

    Anyone who loves their SO should consider the "tough love" type thing if asking him doesn't help. I know that if my ex comes back after I make progress I will love her even more than I did before and that was alot. I just couldn't effectively show it.

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