Pregnant by a married man.

For the last 6 months I have been dating a married man. Our relationship was very deep, we were great lovers friends and companions. He spent all his free time with me and when he was away he would call or text message me frequently. I know his feelings for me are very strong. He has been married for 13 years now and he has an 8 year old son. He is a VP for a large company. Many times he asked what would I do if he was not married. I told him I that I dont know because we are not in that situation. I like him as my friend and my lover but I can not imagine being married to anyone right know. Currently I am already a single mom to a 6 year old boy, which he accepts, but know since I am pregnant he never wants to see me again. I have told him that I do not want him to leave his wife and that I will take care of this child on my own.

He tried every method to convince me to have the abortion. He used the love lines. "Honey I love you and want to be with you I just cant be with you if you are pregnant.", He used the hate method "If you dont have an abortion I will hate you forever". He even threatened me telling me that I dont even know yet what he is capable of doing. When he did that it blew my top off and I told him that I am going to drag his a.. to court even though in the past I didnt plan that. After that he turned into a sweetheart saying, "Honey what ever you do, we will go through it in peace". At that point he decided to try to play a guilt trip on me saying "I am going to tell my wife and she is going to leave me with my son and after that I dont have reasons to live". The guilt trip started working on me and he convinced me to go to an abortion clinic. We went there he filled out and signed all the paperwork for me because I refused to sign my childs death. I was the only one in the clinic with sunglasses on and tears leaking out from underneath them. I was going through an emotional breakdown and he was just sitting there and watching. Not bothered at all of what I am going through. Finally the doctor called me in, he went with me in the room where the doctor was to give me the abortion pill. The doctor looks into my sunglasses and asks me "You want to early terminate this pregnancy?" At that moment my heart stops, I cant breathe. My mouth cant say that I want to kill my baby, because I dont. He walks out of the room frustrated and the doctor explained to me, that I am the only one that can decide to have an abortion. The doctor left the room and I just started crying hysterically. About 10 minutes later the father of my unborn walks in the room saying "lets go". He is furious. I get in the car and he is screaming at me of how evil I am etc. I am writing this here because I cant tell anyone this story, even though I hate him so, for some reason I dont want my family and friends to hate him. Or maybe I am just so disappointed that someone who says he loves me allows me to go through something like this. Can someone help me understand how the mans brain works. For goodness sake a child is a new life, not the end of the world. Please someone help me understand this, maybe if I understand my feeling of betrayal will go away.

Hi, and welcome to eNotalone, although I am really sorry to hear about the circumstances that led you here.

I honestly can't tell you how this man's brain works, although I suspect he's simply a jerk who really snowed you into thinking he wasn't. Of course, now he has shown his true colors - which appear to be pretty awful, by the way.

As for a statement like, "You don't know what I'm capable of doing..." Well, that could just be coming from the mouth of a cowardly bully, but those types will often resort to sneaky, underhanded behavior. And you already know he's capable of that kind of behavior simply because he cheated on his wife! So I would suggest you see a lawyer...pronto. Get legal advice now, and your boyfriend needs to know that others are aware of your situation so if anything happens to you, that would be very, very bad for him.

I understand you must be in a great deal of pain. May I personally say that I admire your courage in the doctor's office not to go through with something that obviously felt deeply wrong to you. But getting to a lawyer is something you must do right away, even if you have to force yourself to go outside, get in the car, and drive there. This is the first critical step, because this guy sounds like a true...well, I can't say that word here.

I think he showed his true colours, as people usually do when "real life" hits. Until this point, while you had a relationship, you and what you represented were also part of a fantasy. And, when he realized that now the circumstances had changed, now that it could shatter his "other" life, his true persona came out.

His feelings were unfortunately not strong enough to leave his marriage, or to be with you through this pregnancy. I am sorry for that, but I think given he was cheating on his wife, he was not the great person he maybe presented either.

My advice is to get yourself in touch with a lawyer, just to make sure your rights and your child's rights, as well as both your lives, are protected, now and in the future.

And, you definitely can do this, and I think if you had gone through with an abortion you clearly did not want to keep this guy around, you would of both been full of regret, but also angry in the end at him for "forcing" the decision, especially as I have my doubts he would of stuck by you in the end given his reaction. He sounds rather selfish and self-protective right now...

"I am going to tell my wife and she is going to leave me with my son and after that I dont have reasons to live".

That statement in the context does not even make sense, considering that this unborn child is HIS child too, and is a slap in the face to you too I am sure.

He is thinking only of himself right now sweetie. And you, AND your unborn child deserve better than that.

Hugs sweetie, and I wish you a healthy pregnancy (which means trying to stay as stress free as possible even in these circumstances!).

Yes, Ray Kay makes an excellent point - judging from his abominable reaction, I can almost assure you that even if you had through with the abortion, he would have started to extricate himself from the relationship anyway.

"Of course, now he has shown his true colors"

He showed his true colors when he cheated on his wife. Why did you think it was okay to allow someone to do that?

Gee, what a nice guy. Truthfull I'd recommend you drop this guy like a bad habit and make whatever decision you feel is best for you and your baby. Assume he will not be around when you make your decision.

Do not let this man pressure you into a decision that you will end up regretting. This kind of thing can not be undone, so whatever you decide make sure it is something you can live with.

Once you make your decision, then you can decide about what other actions to take based on keeping the baby or not keeping it.

Your married man sounds like he has NPD. The truth is that he doesn't give a rat's behind about you and never did. The affair was about HIM and his ego, his fun, his fantasy, which he now sees as a threat to the comfortable life he built for himself. It sounds to me that he is horrified that you, at some point will want some type of support for this child despite what you say, and his wife will find out the kind of person he really is and take him to the cleaners. Of course this is all HIS doing. No one put a gun to his head and told him to cheat on his wife but I doubt that matters to him. The only thing he sees is that you are refusing to dispose of the evidence that could hang him.

Get away from this loser and he IS a loser.... because the only person he really cares about is HIMSELF.

wow... your story sounds very familiar and similar to my sister's. She was a single 23-year-old mom with a three-year-old daughter when she started working with a guy that was over twice her age. He had a wife and three kids. He persued her and they became involved... he told her he couldn't have anymore kids because he had a visectomy, well, 3 months later she was pregnant with their kid. He refused to acknowledge it was his kid, refused to be there.... didn't want to have anything to do with it. My sister hadn't been with anyone else and he knew it. So when it came time to give birth to her kid (she also refused to have an abortion, despite his pleas, threats, guilt trips) he was no where to be seen... we surrounded her with family and supported her and loved her and her beautiful daughter. He wouldnt even let her put his name on the birth certificate. It took a praternity (spelling?) test for him to even start to help my sister out with finances... bottom line, you are doing a wonderful thing by having this baby... my sister's daughter just turned two and she is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen... if she gave into this creep and did what he wanted we wouldn't have her in our lives today. Stay strong!

I don't think it could be said better. Do not do anything that you feel that badly about doing...you were crying at the office....

Well, I don't know how this man thinks, but I can guess, based on his whole reaction and responses to your being pregnant with his child. He is completely selfish. He's been having his cake and eating it too, and now things aren't looking so good for him. Reality has sunk in and you are pregnant with his child. He doesn't want to lose his wife and obviously doesn't want her finding out what's been going on. I would say that is probably his number one fear and motive for trying to force you into an abortion.

My cousin was in your exact situation about 8 years ago. She was raising her 3 year old child on her own, was having an affair with a married man. Things ended badly between her and the married man, she sued him for child custody. He made a good living and was some top dog at a soda ash mine with no children with his wife at the time. It ended up he had no choice but to tell his wife what happened. He stayed with his wife and paid my cousin child support and has had virtually nothing to do with his child.

I think you should end things with this man while you can. If you want the baby, keep the baby and file for child support. It is too late for him...he's going to have to tell his wife.

I can not kill my child. Even if he thinks that this child is going to ruin his life. I will keep the child, take care of it, and love it. He is luck that I don't want to interfere in his life, I have no desire of informing his wife etc. I will just move on. I know he will live in denial. He already said "it can't be mine because my sperm is deluted, and my doctor said there is no chance of me getting anyone pregnant." Well if that is true then I am Mother Mary II because I did not sleep with anyone else when I was in the relationship with him.

All I am looking for is peace. I dont want there to be hate and arguing. I dont hate the father of my first child. But I am starting to hate this man because of what he is doing to me.

Can some men tell me. How can you live knowing you have a child somewhere dont you want to see it, dont you think about it????????

Does anyone think that he can turn around? change his mind? Take responsibility for this child? Stop hating me for not having an abortion?

My friends say, he will turn around soon, because they believe that he is really in love with me. Myself I doubt it, I think he was fake.

Ok so you've made your choice. Good for you. Love this child like crazy.

Can some men tell me. How can you live knowing you have a child somewhere dont you want to see it, dont you think about it????????

Not all men think this way. I personally do not. My children are my life and it would kill me every day if I knew I had a child and I could not see them.

My friends say, he will turn around soon, because they believe that he is really in love with me.

I'm sorry but with the things he said to you and his actions I don't see this at all. I see a coward who refuses to take any responsibility for his own actions. That's not love.

I have no desire of informing his wife etc.

Well you are going to need to do this eventually. When you file for child support his wife is going to find out. And I do absolutely recommend you do this. The child needs financial support whether his father is going to participate in his life or not. So that is something you can take up after the baby is born.

This guy was having the Royal life, with his wife, and his lover, there whenever he wanted them. Now you went and ruined his fantasy by falling pregnant...... What a superficial idiot!

The fact that he already has a child that he loves, tells me that if he decides to stick around after your baby is born, he might want to see it, or even help pay for it, but not if he totally even denies that he could be the father of it! He already has a child, how can he now say he is incapable of having another??

I think it would be best for you and your precious child to get this person out of your lives (appart from financial support) because no child deserves to grow up in a world where they are rejected by a parent.

He has shown you his true colors. He's a despicable human being, and you are better to be rid of him. Since you told him you are pregnant, he's attempted to bully you, he's lied to you, he's accused YOU of lying, he's attempted to manipulate you, and has generally behaved like a soulless five year old, and has finally settled into denial.

I am glad you are keeping your baby. You deserve a LOT better than him. I hope you stick around and keep us updated on your progress. These are exciting times!

The one thing that I do not understand about affairs....Why would someone want another persons spouse?

A.) They belong to someone else

B.) They exchanged vows with another person

C.) They can't promise you anything, they don't belong to you.

D.) They are a lie. (this type of life is a complete lie, to their family and friend and to you!)

E.) They are cheaters (who can trust or even want a cheater?)

F.) Someone if not everyone will get very hurt.

And...the list goes on! I'm glad you refused to abort this child, however, can you imagine what this child will think when you someday explain to it why it's daddy can't be or is not part of it's life! This is such a sad situation and in the end you and him are not the only people who will be hurt, the innocent child will be the true victim unfortunately.

I would also tell his wife. she may think her marriage is bliss and has no idea that her 'faithful' husband is cating around. Do you think his infidelity

will stop with you? Now that you are not the 'women on the side' he may go looking around for another and eventually bring home an std. (apparently he doesn't use condoms because you are preganant).

She deserves to know so she can leave the loser for someone who will be faithful.

I'm glad you refused to abort this child, however, can you imagine what this child will think when you someday explain to it why it's daddy can't be or is not part of it's life! This is such a sad situation and in the end you and him are not the only people who will be hurt, the innocent child will be the true victim unfortunately.

It's a sad situation, yes, but I think her child will also realize that she loved him/her enough to keep it anyway, despite the circumstances. Who's to say if the child was fathered by someone else that the father wouldn't end up leaving? You never know.

Also, years will have gone by before this becomes an issue, if it's going to, and a lot can happen in even just six months, let alone years. I think the important thing is for her to focus on her unborn child and herself, and what's best for both. She can't undo the past, only learn from it.

I would also tell his wife. she may think her marriage is bliss and has no idea that her 'faithful' husband is cating around. Do you think his infidelity

will stop with you? Now that you are not the 'women on the side' he may go looking around for another and eventually bring home an std. (apparently he doesn't use condoms because you are preganant).

 

She deserves to know so she can leave the loser for someone who will be faithful.

Why would I do that, that would hurt his wife and his son. Why would I want to hurt them. Sometimes not knowing things is easier then knowing.

I know I will receive comments that I already hurt them because I was his misstress. Although I believe that if he wanted to have a lover he would have had one if it was me or not. Besides that we didnt only make great lovers but we were great friends.

Why would I do that, that would hurt his wife and his son. Why would I want to hurt them. Sometimes not knowing things is easier then knowing.

I know I will receive comments that I already hurt them because I was his misstress. Although I believe that if he wanted to have a lover he would have had one if it was me or not. Besides that we didnt only make great lovers but we were great friends.

Sweetie, he was not your friend. This man used you and tossed you aside like trash the minute you were no longer useful to him. A friend wouldn't treat you like he has. You have to stop thinking of him in this light. This guy is a jerk. He has shown his true colors and they aren't pretty.

As far as his wife goes, while it may not be your place to tell her, I hope someone does, just for the fact that her husband is sleeping with women without protection. He is risking her health without her knowledge and that could eventually get her killed or give her something that she will carry around with her for life. What kind of guy does crap like that? As I said, he is a jerk. He's not thinking of your welfare or his own wife's. He is only thinking of himself.

This friday I finally text messaged him about how hurt I was, because he took me to the abortion clinic. It was exactly 3 weeks that I didn't contact him in any way. He wrote me back, how he thinks that I fell in love with him and I now want to hijack his life with having his baby. I didnt want to burst his bubble. I do like him, but I am not in love with him. I think if I was in love with him I would want him to leave his wife and I dont. I dont even want her to find out about this child because I dont want her to leave him. On the second text message he wrote me that he is in the night club next to my house getting drunk with his friends so he can forget me. I couldnt believe that he would come to the club next to my house when he lives 30 miles away from me and this is the furthest club from his house. By the fourth text message he was asking me to come to the club and see him. I finally went. When he saw me he grabbed onto me and couldnt let go. His friends were leaving the club so we left also. And just as we got in the car he started all over again about how I am destroying his life. How much he loves me and how hard it is for him to be away from me. All saturday it was again trying to convince me to have an abortion. My baby is 12 weeks at this stage it is developed and has every organ an adult has. I could never be able to rip it appart into pieces. And again the conversation again ended if you dont have this abortion then I never want to see you again.

I just think that he needs to now accept the fact that I am having his baby. I think fear of the future is what is scaring him the most.

A married man who has an affair has an agenda that doesn't have anything to do with anyone but him for sure. It is an act of betrayal to his spouse for one thing. And his lover is a willing participant in the ultimate betrayal. If he doesn't want a child, he is seeing you as an obstacle in his life. Your pregnancy is a bump in the road for him. Didn't the two of you use birth control?

I think you need to be very careful of this man. You may know what you are going to do in the future but he doesn't. He is feeling that he will have to spend the rest of his life waiting for you to "pop up".

Now that may lead him to desperate measures. Maybe you should have a word to the appropriate authorities.

Married men who are having an affair are acting selfishly I agree with other poster. And women who have affairs with married men are violating another woman's marriage. (just my view) I think he might view you as an obstacle in his life right now and your pregnancy as a bump in the road to be removed. Did you two use birth control?

Why would I do that, that would hurt his wife and his son. Why would I want to hurt them. Sometimes not knowing things is easier then knowing.

Because she has the RIGHT to know that she has been betrayed! She has the RIGHT to know if she is infected with an STD! She has the RIGHT to make the decision as to whether or not she wants to stay married to this guy! This women has rights too, just because she is in the dark right now doesn't mean she will always be.

If there is a baby on the way chances are that this will be out in the open some day and she will have to look at all the time that has went by and wonder and hurt even more!

Easier yes, maybe for now. Fair, NO!

He always pulled out and I used a contraceptive film. Based on the ultrasound and the babies age I got pregnant using the sponge and pulling out. Also he states that his sperm count is very low. Which that doesnt really mean much because it only takes one sperm to fertilize the egg not a million.

The fact that I got pregnant was a complete shock to me and him also. He actually got to the point of accusing me that I stored his sperm and got myself pregnant. And I am accusing him that he might have once come inside of me and not told me. There was one time in that month that when he pulled out nothing came out. I wondered what happened but he just said he was dry. QUESTION TO THE MEN: Is it possible to have an orgazm without any semen coming out. completely dry orgazm.

It was also a time where I was ready to slowly withdrawl from this relationship. We got back from a 5 day trip and he was consuming so much time, he practically took over my life, I didnt go out with friends because I was always with him. Never expected that or wanted it from a relationship with a married man. So I started to slowly get away, telling him I have plans I am going out with my friends etc. He sensed something, I know just by the comments he made. The day that I got pregnant, that was my first thought. That the day he said he was dry he actually came inside of me to hold me down.

He always pulled out

This is not a reliable method of birth control.

QUESTION TO THE MEN: Is it possible to have an orgazm without any semen coming out. completely dry orgazm.

Not that I am aware of.

He actually got to the point of accusing me that I stored his sperm and got myself pregnant.

Ok, well quite frankly this guy has now gone from being just a jerk all the way to being a paranoid, irrational, psychotic jerk.

This guy does not love you. He is using you. And when you became pregnant, it messed up his plans. That's the plain truth. There is no mystery here.

This guy is a waste of your time. He's not worth having a relationship with. Get rid of him, have the baby, love it like crazy, and file for child support.