How does one be less uptight about things and be more relaxed?

I am starting to realize that I am probably a boring person to be around. I dont know how to joke well and be easy going. I think I am boring and consequently, I do not have many friends. I see how people on here can joke in the different threads and have fun. I want to partake of that fun but I dont know how to. I feel left out and I feel like I dont know how to relax and joke around and have fun.

Sometimes I think if I was less uptight, more relaxed and had fun and was able to joke around, I could find a guy or keep one in my life.

How can I go about being less serious and more of a friendly, jokey type of a person. I think my personality (serious, dour, depressed) is not making me attractive to the opposite sex.

Hey RW-

I get the sense you are trying to find and hold onto "a" guy and adjust who you are around a perception of what you think will achieve that for you. I used to do the exact same things, until after several heartbreaks, I said "F*** IT". It is very empowering and subsequently comforting to embrace indifference towards other's perceptions of us.

And I think that's exactly what you need to do: let go of this constricting notion of finding happiness in a partner and that being the only or best path to such happiness. What you ought to be focusing on is finding happiness within yourself and eventually sharing that happiness with not just "a" man, but a man who is right for you, the real you, the serious, uptight, boring person you say you are. You don't want every guy to appreciate you for who you are, that honor is reserved for the right guy...who is out there...

So I say instead of trying to be someone you aren't, work on accepting who you are and moreover being happy with the person you are. You do that and I'll bet my next paycheck a good fit for you will come along in the way of a romantic relationship sooner than you think...

i am sour and grumpy too.

Friscodj, I havent found a guy yet. Still looking. I just look at people on here and see how people can joke around. I also look at myself in real life and realize how much of a sourpuss I am. I seem to always have problems in my life. I tend to worry too much. It is killing me. I want to be carefree and know how to joke. I am too uptight and too serious. People dont like that.

Teacup, you may be sour and grumpy, but at least you get more answers to your threads than I do.

Yes, I am not in a good mood tonight.

RW-

The jist of what I am saying is I think you should find happiness within yourself before looking for a partner to create that happiness.

Stop worrying about what "people" like or don't like and like what you like! Work on your worrying and grumpiness and not about finding someone right now. That's what I think.

Note something that makes you happy, and take a little extra time out for it "stop and smell the roses" as they say. I've always been a procrastinator (as my name implies) and although im hesitant to advise it, i think it might do some good to put off your worries and concerns. That will free you up a bit, and then you can work on finding your sense of humor.

Like what friscodj said. You need to let go of what ever you holding on to. Most people that are like you have something holding them back, it being a fear of something or something in their closet that they want to hide so they never let go and go for it.

I use to be like this when I was a kid becuase I was shy, different from the other kids (in more ways than one), and I wasn't growing up like the other kids around me. In high school I did a 180 and let go. A lot of this had to do with the fact that my parents got devioced (trust me it was a good thing), and it allow me to let go at lot easier as a lot fo fears and "problems" had gone away.

And now in current day I have learned how and when to let go and have fun. I get people telling me or they will think I am uptight when they first see me as I sometimes look like that, but when they start to talk to me they see that I am not and that I am actually very laid back and down to earth person.

renaissancewoman101 I don't know how you live your life or run it, so it is hard to give adivse that will help you. But you may want to make a list each day of things that are the most important to the least important and aim to get the most important done and get the least important done later. This may reduce the stress you are getting from being so uptight, and possibly helping you letting go as you are teaching your self not to stress out as much.

find a place to yell and scream at the top of your lungs. i have always wanted to do this...unfortunately i live in a busy place so i might make ppl pee in their pants if i do that. but i would just like to run around screaming and letting off steam.

First of all people that act boring seem to care a lot about what people will think of them if they say the something. Thinking they are going to offend someone or what ever reason keeps them from being an enjoyable presense.

You have to become charming, tease people a little, or when they say something joke with them. Seriously you just have to practice talking to people and listening. Nearly always if you listen to someone talk they will say something you can joke with them about, ease the tention.

Woman like to talk a lot so if your around them you will get quite a work out in socializing practice.

What has been working for me is to visualize what a charming person would act like. He would give everyone a warm smile like if he went up to a movie to get some popcorn. He would put his hand on the shoulder of someone he knew well to make them feel warm or to say that he or she was friendly. Basically you have to really care about what other people are talking about and show interest in it.

1000 percent garentee it will make you more interesting.

I am not sure if this helps or not, but if I feel myself getting too wound up I just think "in 80 years or so, everyone in this situation is going to be dead and gone, so ultimately, how much does it even matter?"

Morbid, but.

I am not sure if this helps or not, but if I feel myself getting too wound up I just think "in 80 years or so, everyone in this situation is going to be dead and gone, so ultimately, how much does it even matter?"

 

Morbid, but.

that reminds me of terminator where the woman gets ice cream put in her pocket and her friends say, "In a hundred years who's gonna care". SOmething similar to that, but I think that is a good mentallity to have over anxiety about being out going.

RW - I'm very sorry to hear that you feel that way about yourself! You seem like such a wonderful, caring person with so much to offer. I've seen natural flashes of humor in your other posts, so please don't think of yourself as a dour person. I think you see yourself more negatively than other people do.

I like the advice others have given you, and I'll add one more piece. Practice being at ease with people like bank tellers, clerks in coffee shops, etc. Approach them with a friendly smile and try to make a light-hearted remark about the weather or something. Try to pick out something personal about them and make small talk. I guess I'm trying to say, like if your bank teller has a small picture of a child in her work area, remark on how cute the child looks. If you make the effort to make some sort of friendly connection with people throughout the day, it easily becomes a habit.

Please just be yourself and don't try to make yourself into someone that you're not. Do you really want to be surrounded by a lot of people who don't appreciate you for who you really are? It may not seem like it at times, but people really are attracted to people who are natural and comfortable with themselves.

I've also read in some of your posts that you have health issues, and that can easily prevent people from being warm and bubbly. It's a vicious cycle - a good attitude can help you deal with a condition, but it's hard to have a good attitude when you're in pain!

Take care of yourself first and foremost. I don't know if this is an issue with you, but don't be in competition with others to see how much you can get done in a day. Prioritize what absolutely must be accomplished, and make yourself your first priority.

Arielle, I am pretty friendly with people. I can strike up conversations with people at the bank or coffeeshops. People do like conversing with me, but I am not humorous, like I dont know how to make jokes that make people laugh. I do have trouble making lighthearted comments. That probably stems from me hanging around people who are too serious. My best friend is very serious and depressing most of the time, so is his bf. My parents are dour and serious and my mom disapproves if I make jokes in public.

I think a lot of my problems stem from the fact that I am not happy with myself. I have a lot of issues with my height and my weight because my mom has issues with them and she constantly lets me know that. As a result, I am uncomfortable with myself and I think people can tell that. I think the first step in all of this is to like myself and to be comfortable with myself.

Anti-LoveSuperstar, I love your attitude towards life. That is the attitude I want to have, "why does it matter, in 80 years we wont even BE around". A bit morbid, but the right attitude because then you do what you want and not worry about how other people feel about you, since in 80 years we wont even be around to remember.

RW - get your butt in the gym and work off those emotions. You need a release and I believe working out gives you that needed release. For me, it creates a balance in life and when I don't work out, I feel as if part of me is out of sync.

Other than working out, you can make yourself more of an interesting person by getting involved in more things, or becoming an expert at something. You're already into renaissance faires, so that's farily interesting. As far as a laid back attitude - just absorb San Diego and all the people there - this is one of the most laid back city's in the U.S. besides Hawaii. Hang loose and visit the beach more often.

"I think the first step in all of this is to like myself and to be comfortable with myself."

That is so true. If you can convince yourself that you truly are a good person with lots to offer, the light-hearted banter will fall into place.

Can you make a list of all of the good things that you like about yourself? After you look at your list, maybe you can focus on a few of your biggest strengths and really pour yourself into those areas.

Do you really think you are dour and boring? (I doubt that's true!) Or do you think there's a sparkling you that's hidden and just needs a chance to shine through? Maybe a place to start would be to try to cheer up your serious and depressed friend. You could rent some really bad but funny movies to get things going.

This might not be easy, but I think the only thing you can do is force yourself into some of these situations where you can joke around. It takes practice. If you say some bad joke that falls really flat (which happens to all of us), you can say something like "No wonder I only lasted one night at the Comedy Castle."

Maybe it bears repeating. To get over yourself, be other-directed. Do that volunteer work, reach out to people you don't know with small kindnesses - holding the door open, asking how they're feeling, and mean it, sincerely. You're not willing to take the risks that come with joking around because you want everyone's approval. Once you let go of that, you will lighten up because you will accept that not everyone will like you or laugh at your jokes.

RW....Try just saying something without thinking of the consequences. I am a hairdresser...so I joke around with people all day. If you're naturally a reserved person it may take some practice.... I think you're assuming if you "let your hair down" and just be yourself, that people will think less of you...but the fact is...who CARES what they think? Look at a lot of celebrities that others perceive as 'cool"...Camerone Diaz...have you seen how many times she flips people off on camera? She is being herself, but she STILL has a fan base. I am sure she has her critics too..but she probably does not pay them any mind. Remember Madonna back in her wild days?? She became famous for her antics...she again, was being herself. The bottom line is...if you spend your life being what OTHERS persume you should be...then when do YOU ever get to be YOU? First thing is finding out WHO YOU ARE....then cultivating that.

Seriously RW.. I would cut off contact from this "best friend" of yours for a while and learn to be independent...andfind a new group of friends. He seems to drag you down a lot and much of the time you spend with him sounds far too draining.

Learn to laugh..first of all at yourself. Don't be afraid to be the butt of a joke. Flirt..even with women...not "sexually"..but teasingly. Just be goofy and silly...actlike you're 16 sometimes. In the RIGHT situation of course...JUST have FUN!!!

People do like conversing with me, but I am not humorous, like I dont know how to make jokes that make people laugh. I do have trouble making lighthearted comments.

So why do you want so badly to make jokes and make people laugh? People like conversing with you. There you go, roll with that, be comfortable with the character you have!

I think a lot of my problems stem from the fact that I am not happy with myself. I have a lot of issues with my height and my weight because my mom has issues with them and she constantly lets me know that. As a result, I am uncomfortable with myself and I think people can tell that. I think the first step in all of this is to like myself and to be comfortable with myself.

I think this is what you should be focusing on working on. It seems like you are treating the symptom instead of the problem. The problem seems to be inside of you so work on that instead of working on what you portray to others.

I found myself very uptight and quiet most of the time aswell RW, i use to worry too much about what other people would think about what i would say. I held other people's opinions on myself higher then my own! Crazy i know.

Theres a book called " Be happy no matter what " - It helped me alot in that department. It helps calm your anxieties by explaining how people analyze things and how your thought process works. Once you understand why you get stressed and the true cause of it you can loosen up alot.

You start to take things alittle less seriously, which opens up your sense of humor. You start to care less about what people think about you and you can speak your mind and joke around more.

Instead of adding up your negative attributes start adding up the good qualities you have and bring them out more. Think of the good times you had with people, think of how you were feeling at the time ( were you comfortable with them, did you feel like you could be yourself with them? )

You have all the qualities that you are looking for already, they are just probly supressed by insecurity that everyone will judge you for being yourself.

Hun, they will judge you regardless. The best advice i can give you is to act like everyone you talk to is someone you are comfortable with ( this doesnt mean to be too loose with them, but just to not stress about what they think so much ) You will find yourself opening up more to them and they will see a deeper side to you not a front( opening up opportunities for love )

Hyperia

Alcohol and other substances have been helping people feel relaxed for thousands of years. Who are we to question the wisdom of the ancients?