Lack of trust and snooping...

Hey everyone!

Well i recently posted about snooping in my boyfriends internet history and finding things i didn't like. Such as porn and a myspace account where he claims hes single.

Recap: Im 19 hes 23. Im living with him in the United states for the summer (4 months, been here for 2 weeks) and im originally from Canada. We have been together for 6 months lonf distance.

So heres the thing. I made up a fake myspace account and message my boyfriend saying im interested in getting to know him and poterntially meeting some time. Since then he has not replied..."yet". I sent another message wondering if he was interested. Although he hasn't messaged back when ever he gets the chance he logs into myspace and checks out "me" everytime. Also checks out the "fake" friends i added. In addition to this the place i claim to be from he googled to see how far away it is.

I know what i have done is very wrong and i definitly have trust issues but is this a sign that he would cheat on me. Being a long distance relationship im not with him very much so trust is a huge issue. Am i over reacting? Cause i feel like buying a plan ticke right now and flying home...

I guess it is normal if your in a relationship to wonder if they were tempted per se would they take the bait. and that is what you did to see if he would be interested in someone else.

for me in a relationship trust and honesty is the first 2 ingredients cause if you don't have them..what do you have?

be honest and tell him what you did.

There is one word to describe this: entrapment.

You're setting him up to fail, this is a very low and mean spirited thing to do. Stop being passive aggressive!!! Tell him you have issues with the porn and myspace account, but don't play these childish games, you're only going to make him angry and cause more problems.

Well, as I responded on your other thread, the problem with doing things like this is you already have conclusions before you have evidence. So, you see things in a more "jaded way" then you might.

He has not contacted you, maybe because he does NOT want to get involved because he DOES have a gf (you) but now you see that as evidence he is up to something more too....the problem with snooping is the person is already guilty in your mind....you are already trying to trap him into a "sting operation" basically so you are already a bit biased towards his actions.

Now is he up to something? Maybe, but he certainly has not given any proof yet he is up to more than curiosity. Maybe he just likes to network and talk to people. I don't know. As for porn, well I don't think that is cheating personally and think as long as it is not hurting your relationship and it's not questionable content, it's a healthy thing for men AND women to partake in sometimes. However, if you have an issue with it you should discuss it rather then keep snooping.

I can't say if he would cheat or not. There are people whom can have others throw themselves at them and still not cheat. If someone wants to cheat, they will find a way. If they don't, they won't. It comes down to the trust you have and the integrity of both partners.

I would wonder though why there are so many trust issues here? If he isn't up to anything, all these are going to do is hurt the relationship in the long run. These are things you should talk about as boundaries, rather then try and trap him, or snoop. How would you feel if he did it to you?

Be careful sweetie. My best friend did the same thing. She made up a fake msn person to try and find stuff out about her bf. It turned into a huge disaster. He found out and cornered her into confessing (by threatening to phone the cops) and well, that relationship is over. The thing is with trust, you take their fidelity for granted until you lose them. My friends episode began as yours did and she let it get out of control. By starting this you are dwelling on the possibility of him cheating and probably driving him towards it and driving you towards insanity. I know the feeling sweetie, but this is like feeding a fire. The more you dwell on it, the stronger your feelings will get and the more you will drive him away. I advise you to avoid these kinds of actions altogether. Trust me, I've been there and it isnt healthy for you.

I'm having the same trouble at the moment. Can someone clarify its right or wrong??

He's searchin women on myspace he thinks I don't know I do know! The Browse members thing stays as the last search n its always set to women i set it search both sexes in my area and i come back to it its been changed back to all women! And now he always deletes history after hes been on computer. He onyl does all this when Im either in bed or not in the room bascially!! Hes had a history of searchin porn, chatting dirty to girls, searchin myspace girls in underwear n that (tlk about make me feel insecure) but the myspce thing hes obv still doing. And he must be going on something else to delete history everytime!!! Its the 6th time in our relationship that he said he'll stop it but he hasnt!!! I mean the girls he searches it makes me feel inecure yet he knows all of this!! Why does he still do it, I live with him in notts i wlive in west sussex like 4 hours drive away, I feel ike sayin im ready to walk. im only a fone call away from home. It might make him realise.

1st. Chattin dirty to girls

2nd. same

3rd. porn

4th. (im not saying but it was VERY wrong)

5th. myspace

6th. myspace

But cna someone tell me if Im bein paranoid or its normal...coz i dont think it is...i wouldnt go n search aload of men when im in aloving relationship! n fantasise over them!! its hurting me!

PLz Pls help with my last post just a right or its wrong will do. Before he comes home from work, I just wanna know whether Im being silly. I dont think I am but hey...?

I've done this before, too on a well known online dating site. It does hurt the one who does it (me), especially when there is evidence he would be or is unfaithful. But, what are you going to do about it? Confront him? Tell him what you did? Would he turn you in to the police? I'm sure it's against the law...fraud? You have to consider if it's worth losing him over what you've found out and how you would confront him with the evidence and also with what you did.

How can it be against the law? You are putting up a profile out there, the guy is answering it and basically entrapping himself. It isnt fraud because if it was then a lot of people on those dating websites would be guilty of it. One reason why I haven't really gone and done online dating again is because, from past experience, most people on those sites lie about a lot their own things and are quite deceptive.

He could be just wondering who the hell 'you' are and why a strange woman he never met or heard of is now sending him messages asking to meet. He could be just curious to know what the hell is going on. Wouldn't you be curiuos, I know I would. I might even suspect it was a prank by a friend of mine.

I think his curiosity is getting the better of him but it not enough to make him reply, is it?.

End this now, remove or change your name and dissappear. You're rocking your own boat and you both could fall in if your not careful.

Thanks for everyones replys

Bethany- I think your sooooooo right!! If some random person contacted me like that i would be curious as well. And No he hasn't replied back yet.

I feel so much better about everything... as long as he doesn't reply. I wish i could be a good person and cancel the profile i started but i dont think i can. Im still curious if some time he will reply. But for now all is good.

I also agree with Bethany and Belmontboy. If you have reason to suspect your s/o is cheating than you have every right to keep your eyes open and investigate. Everything I have read on this subject says to do this. Thats why people hire private eyes!! If they have nothing to hide than they shouldn't mind.

Of course this isn't going to be everyone's opinion but to each his own. I for one wouldn't care if my s/o checked up on me I have nothing to hide.

Well, they do mind because people have a right to privacy and if they have not done anything to destroy their partner's trust...to be trusted. I have nothing to hide either, but it would be hurtful if my partner was snooping on me because they did not trust me without reason. I've been there. Guess what? A lack of trust without reason erodes the relationship too - it's like emotional sabotage to it.

A guy belonging to MySpace and looking at porn to me is not "reason" to suspect cheating given the number of people whom do both and well, aren't cheating. If she believes it is cheating, that is something she has to discuss with him as they discuss their boundaries as a couple. She does not even know she would not get "the truth" from him as she has no asked HIM about it. Yes, I find it odd he posts himself as SINGLE too and it would be a red flag for me (then again I forget to change stuff like that all the time too...), but maybe she should just well....ASK him about it? Maybe he will lie, maybe he won't....but body language and action will give a lot away even if he did lie. Or heck, maybe he does like attention for an ego boost, and that is something she should discuss with him as being inappropriate.

I am not saying he isn't, or he is, but I think there are steps that can be taken (like communication) before resorting to snooping and traps.

There is one word to describe this: entrapment.

I agree.

How can it be against the law? You are putting up a profile out there, the guy is answering it and basically entrapping himself.

No she did more than that. She messaged him saying she was interested to get to know him.

You are playing with fire. Sure confront him about his internet activities but don't try and coerce him into something like this.

Be upfront. If you are not happy with his answers leave him. If you keep putting out stuff like this he will eventually respond..you must know that already.

Hey everyone!

Well i recently posted about snooping in my boyfriends internet history and finding things i didn't like. Such as porn and a myspace account where he claims hes single.

 

Recap: Im 19 hes 23. Im living with him in the United states for the summer (4 months, been here for 2 weeks) and im originally from Canada. We have been together for 6 months lonf distance.

 

You are staying with him now, isnt it?

Forget about not trusting and put energy into the relationship with him.

And cancel your myspace account to have something less to worry about.

Do your best and in autumn you understand much more.

Man, one of my closest friends has done some seriously crazy stuff to find out if her boyfriend is cheating and/or looking. I basically told it like it is to her this weekend because she ended up following him while he was at a friend's bachelor party. She's looked at stuff on his computer's history, she's seen profiles of him on facebook or whatever that site's called and made up fictional people to see what he'd do if he was "tempted".

I told her "You know, you don't trust each other. You're trying to sabatoge this relationship by following him and doing all this investigating. He's going to get so fed up one day that he'll just cheat because he won't care at the moment what he's doing and then you'll say 'I told you so'" which is what you're trying to prove: that he will cheat on you. And then what are you gonna do? Like that seems to be the point of your relationship now, seeing if he'll cheat on you." I mean no matter what he does, if he's all sweet and crap, she can't even fully accept it cuz all she can think of is the stuff she's found out. So what's the point?

I'm sorry, if you feel like you have to snoop because you don't think you can trust your partner, then you're relationship's in trouble. And if you continue to snoop and you can't stop doing it or always be suspcious and he finds out, then it will blow up in your face and he'll leave you. If you feel like you can't trust him, then maybe being in a relationship with him or maybe being in a serious relationship in general, isn't the best thing for you right now. I can't imagine how you can't trust him while you're visiting and still be in a long distance relationship with him.

I agree with you Raykay, a person should have a very serious reason to snoop. I would ask first to see if they told the truth. If they did then it would be the time to make the boundries known, both ways to avoid later conflicts. I know what you mean that it would be hurtful, it would to a lot of people, if you gave no reason for them to mistrust you.

If you give someone your absolute,unconditional love and then they turn around and think you maybe cheating in someway, it would be so painful for most.

I should have made myself clearer, sorry. If you have very good reason to believe your partner is cheating physically and you have approached them with the situation and they lie, or you really feel you have evidence that they are lying than don't just lay down and take it. You deserve better and to know the truth. If..that entails snooping to prove they are, than snoop.

I feel at that point you can do whatever you need to do to. But..if my s/o for some reason, thought he had a good idea to snoop he can at any point check me out.Maybe I wouldn't be as upset as some would.

I would never cheat, I don't know how someone could be 'pushed' into cheating. I can't think of anything that would push me into someone elses arms/bed. I would already have to have cheating on my mind to persue it.

Umm..I don't call it entrapment, I call it a test. But please understand, this is my opinion and only my opinion.

your bf looks at porn. i don't see that as a threat to your relationship. i have heard estimates that 50% to 60% of the Internet is erotic material, and that suggests to me that most men (and many women) view it at one time or another. there is no difference to me between looking at these things and fantasizing about a stranger or a friend during sex, which i understand is common to nearly all women. unless he has promised you that he will not visit such websites, i would not consider porn to be an issue.

he lists himself as single on his myspace. i don't see that as a threat to your relationship. unless you have pledged to forsake all others, yadda yadda yadda, he IS single.

you are cyberstalking him and setting up a "sting". i see that as a HUGE threat to your relationship. if he finds out about it he may be rightfully offended and decide to end things with you.

it's all about trust and respect.

Leave a message on MySpace saying that you have now met and have fallen into love with someone else, if you cannot disappear completely. learn from your mistakes and Don't tempt fate again.

Leave a message on MySpace saying that you have now met and have fallen into love with someone else, if you cannot disappear completely. learn from your mistakes and Don't tempt fate again.

Nonsense to write that to someone who never responded

Saras BF may have ideas already and become more suspicious.

She should just cancel the account for the purpose of worrying (and playing) less.

Umm..I don't call it entrapment, I call it a test. But please understand, this is my opinion and only my opinion.

a) A test of the relationships ultimate structural strength

b) Self inflicted emotional wund

No problem.

Nonsense to write that to someone who never responded

 

Saras BF may have ideas already and become more suspicious.

 

She should just cancel the account for the purpose of worrying (and playing) less.

I already suggested that but she said she didnt think she could, hence my suggesting a 'new love' has come along on 'Her' Myspace.

Belmontboy, your post really made me think. Having snooped myself, I'm now looking inwards at myself. Thank you.

belmont, you make it sound like things were BETTER 15 years ago. i was there, and they weren't.

people find it easier with the Internet technology of today to find true love, and easier to get out of a bad relationship and into a new one. also, people are apt to find more what they are looking for, and not to settle for whatever is in the neighborhood.

cellies connect people and keep them close to one another whereas, back in the day, things might fester due to longer periods of non-communication.

porn has been around since the first caveman drew a picture of boobs on his wall, and i'm not even sure what that has to do with a relationship unless there is a betrayal of an explicit understanding that neither partner will partake of it, and that could apply equally as well to anything.

technology is always a double-edged sword. focusing on the negative aspects of it gives one the impression that society is running downhill, and i don't believe that to be true. just look at ENA itself, for one good example.

i do totally agree with your point about trust. without it, a relationship is a dead fish just waiting to float to the surface.

Again, I agree with Belmontboy. Apparently we think alike! We could all go on and on about who's opinions we think are right and who we diagree with but that is not helping the poster with her problem. When we enter a relationship we are agreeing to 'share' our space, privacy and secrets among other things,with each other.

When you get the 'gut feelings', just how long do you need to continue to 'put it out of your mind' say it's stupid and have no right to be thinking these crazy thoughts. It's ' all in my head' they couldn't possibly be doing this 'to me'!!! You see little hints that could lead you to believe that not is all good, but you contiue to tell yourself that this person has no reason to cheat on you so again you chaulk it up to your mind it playing crazy tricks on you.

Ten years down the road you are told by your partner that they want a divorce, they have been having a affair and are in love with someone else! Wow, I didn't see that coming?????? I never seen anything 'bad' to make me think this would happen????

It happens all the time where a partner is hit with the fact that their partner is having an affair and they never acted on their gut feelings because they told themselves that he/she didn't have a reason to cheat on them so of course it wouldn't happen to them!!

I feel sorry for the naive ( which I have been before), they take life for granted sometimes and think their relationship is to 'happy' to go wrong. Yes, this did happen to me!! I walked blindly for several years thinking I'm happy, he's happy, life is great. I never 'snooped' didn't think I had a reason too. I dimissed all thoughts,all the little signs that there could be a reason he would want a fling.

I was blind sided when ppl were calling me and coming to my house telling me he was cheating on me. Then I looked back at some of the obvious signs that I thought at the time were 'just in my head' and felt really stupid for not digging deeper! How stupid am I? This happened three times!! It isn't always in your head and if you find subtle little hints then by all means, don't quickly down play them to be your imagination.

Some ppl think that their relationship is going way too good for their partner to cheat on them. Really? If this gal has a feeling that he is cheating then she has every right to protect herself from further harm and find out. There may be other clues that she is not sharing with us at this time that have lead her up to the snooping on his computer. I'm sure there is more to it than the small story she shared and now she is acting on it.

How big of a clue does one need to leave to justify a little digging? Some say that pot is a door opener drug which leads a person to do harder drugs. Well, it isn't for everyone, some just stay with pot. Some say that porn is an opener for wanting the real thing, to want a little 'strange' on the side, but there again, it doesn't lead all to cheat. It's all up to the individual and what they can keep in control of.