My Father Just Passed Away

I am very sorry to hear about the loss of your father, nicorette. It sucks, doesn't it? That's an understatement. Take care of your mother. I do believe she can recover, not fully, but enough to live life without this being a handicap. And watch over your brother. A young man losing a father figure can lead to dangerous roads. The dicipline goes and the rebel comes out, and that could lead to some scary outcomes. I believe you have to assume the role of guardian as well as older sis and take a firm stance with him if he walks the wrong path. I don't mean be strict and demanding, but if he does something wrong, lead him to the right. As I read your words, if he is anything like you, he will recover as well.

Yes, I thought about that over my life. Of all the friends I kept throughout high school and college, around 10 of them, only 1 lived with both parents. One of my closest friends lives with his stepfather. Another friend is close with his dad, but his parents are divorced. Not only that, my father may not have been rich, but he supported this family like no other. My mother works too, and over the last 10 years I've contributed to the bills, but during my childhood we were never strapped for money. My friends were though, mostly because of a single income I think.

You mention thinking about the good times with him. It is hard for me to do so just yet. I realize one thing about myself is that I enjoy the past through reminiscing more than actually living those moments. For example, 12 years ago me and dad worked at the same company. I didn't enjoy myself much because I was also working with a woman I had a delirious crush on, as well as battling low self esteem. But looking back at those days, I enjoyed the morning drives I had with my parents (my father dropped my mother off to work) and the evening drives home with my father. I have a soundtrack saved for every year and if I play the soundtrack for that year, I'm going to lose it.

I can go on and on. I am selfish, as I am sure everyone else is who has lost someone. I had my father for 33 years. I want him for 33 more.

it is completely understandable, no doubt.

You mention thinking about the good times with him. It is hard for me to do so just yet.

i went through the EXACT same thing. it has been about 3 months or maybe 4 since my fathers death. i only recently started being able to think about the good times, and trying not to remmeber the fights i had with him, and not thinking negatively about how he is gone. listen to everyones advice here, were all here to help adn well be with you the whole way. with time, things will get better i guarantee it. adn thanks for the advice! honestly, just keep busy, as hard as it sounds. stick to a routine. i am so busy with graduating from high school that i dont have much time to grieve. not that i dont miss my father, but it does definetly help to keep my mind off of it. i think the xmas holidays will be harder, but at least that isnt for months. honestly, just think forward. think about it this way: can you change it? as much as youd like to, you cant. and im not trying to be harsh, but you need to heal. no matter waht and how hard you try it can not change. so what you need to do is deal with it in the best manner. as hard as it is, try to get outta the house. do you have a wife or a girlfriend or anything liek that? im sure shell help you through this and keep busy. if not, then do you have any great family members or friends to support you? hang out with them, i knwo its the totally opposite of what you want to do. you probably want to sit around and mope, thats all i did for 2 months. i got tired of it. just try your best to keep busy and not think about it. go out with friends, keep busy with work, see a movie, support your family. that doesnt mean you dont miss your father deeply or dont care, but im sure he wouldnt want to see you moping about his death. hed want you to miss him, but to move on and live your life to the fullest. i knwo it has only been a short time, but the sooner you keep busy, the sooner you can come to terms with it. good luck and keep posting we all want to help.

Thank you again. I am playing a video game during off hours as well as writing. But my father's memory flashes in my head without warning, without some connection triggering it. I did go out to dinner with a few friends of mine last week. I got a little buzzed (I don't even drink unless it's Christmas & New Years) and I felt ok. I saluted my father, but enjoyed the moment with friends. At the same time, while watching X-Men III, I was a bit sad and distracted out of nowhere. So it comes and goes.

I am feeling that I am getting worse, albeit slowly. It started Saturday when I had a bad stomach ache from what appeared to be a mini virus. I was walking around the living room in pain. My father spent 99% of his time in the living room, he even slept there until my mother woke him up. Not seeing him on the couch began to hit me, since I avoid the living room during the night. I was sick to my stomach and then the mental pain made it worse.

Then last night, I was watching a Yankee game, and one of their players made an outstanding catch. When something like that happens, I usually run to the living room to ask if my father had seen it. When the catch was made, I rejoiced for the team, then second later I somewhat slumped into my chair, dejected that I cannot share this experience with my father. He was not a passionate baseball fan like me, but I always joked around when some big event happened. Like if the Yankees were down 12-0 and they scored a run late, I'd sarcastically say something to my father like, "Get those rally caps on, here they come!" Football season is going to be tough. We both root for the same team, a non-local team, and none of my friends root for this team. They are not expected to be good this year, but they could do something positive or even overachieve. I cannot imagine enjoying anything about a sport me and my father are/were so passionate about. Some of my niggest moments with him involved football.

The realization hasn't fully set in since his death was a traumatic, unexpected shock. I had a dream about him last night where he knew he was going to die, down to the very minute, and he was hugging everyone goodbye, sort of non-chalantly. Then he was walking around calmly, waiting for it to happen. It was pretty weird.

I just paused for a few seconds to daydream that he's actually dead, and I still cannot believe it. I can see myself achieving something and my mother telling me that "he would've been proud." That won't cut it for me. I want him TO be proud. I want his physical body to hug me, not his spirit to flicker in what could be an imagination.

KO, what you are feeling is normal.

Grief is such a big thing that your mental and physical health cannot deal with it all at once. Yes it will get worse before it gets better. Well, it doesn't really get better, but you get used to living with it.

I always think of grief as a wave that washes over you. It's like the sea. It washes over you, reality hits you, you cry, wail, miss, dispair, and then it withdraws and you have a few hour of funtioning normally before the next wave comes. If you understand this, the process is easier to deal with.

You will miss and think about him constantly the next couple of months, then as time goes by you will find it gets easier. You never forget, but you will find time heals.

The first xmas, birthday, aniversary all the firsts are the absolute worst. Then it gets a little easier. If you are able to, visit his last resting place, I found it works wonders to go there, pay tribute by leaving flowers, crying and talking to him. I used to go every day for months and then eventually every week, and then twice a year, on the aniversary of his death and his birthday.

For some people it is too much, they can't go. People deal with grief in different ways. I wish you and your mom the strenth to get through this and the wisdom to know that his life was a full and happy one, with you and your mom in it, and that he will always be with you, in spirit.

kyo

I just want to say how sorry I am for your loss. I cannot say I know exactly what you are going through but just some of my own thoughts from my own personal experience. Many other people have given great advice (and I admire you for your own wise thoughts from your experience) and I'm sure some of these will overlap what has been said:

*As much as grieving hurts now, it is important to do it. I lost my mother to cancer when I was 9 and cried for the first time about it years later. I never fully grieved my father's death in Jan 2004 (of ALS) until last fall. By holding it in and not dealing with it I was hoping it would miraculously go away but it caught up with me eventually and affected me physically (chest pains, etc).

*It's okay (and helped me cope) to be strong for others, like your mother. Coversely, it's okay to be weak at other times and let those around you be strong for you

*A lot of people want to help but are not sure how to. Sometimes they need guidance on how best to help at any given time. "Thanks for the offer but I would like to have time to myself" or "You know I'm really in the mood to go to the movies".....This isn't necessary but some people are just waiting for the right cue to show you how much you deserve to be loved and cared for at this time.

*Dreams are a funny way of having your body cope. I still have dreams about my father but I think they have progressed to him dying in my dreams to him living in my dreams and helping me with other issues

*From my own experience, my father did not pass away unexpectedly. He knew he was going to die and it took a few slow years of suffering before he passed. But the good news is I got to say good-bye and come to an understanding that he was proud of me, I loved him, all that kind of stuff.....it sounds like you had such a good relationship with your father that he left you on similar terms...

which brings me to my other points

*All issues in life are relative, no issue is too large to go to bed angry because the person you are having the issue with may not wake up the next day for you to make up

*Realize what is important in life....I know that I want to experience life to it's fullest now because who knows how long it may be

*I went to my father's funeral and there were lines of people including students from his over 30 years of teaching, telling me "your father made such a difference in my life". I hope that in my life I touch the lives of others as much as he did.

*Your father won't be physically there to see your family but know he is a part of you since he raised you and bringing his values/memories to your children and others around you will always keep his legacy alive. And I am not super religious and not sure if I feel that my father is "watching over me" but I still strive everyday to make him proud.

It sounds like you are an amazing caring person and I wish you the best.

Hang in there KYO,,,,,,,, It is gonna be hard, but you will come through this. I and my children have all had the feelings you are going through. I wish I could tell you that there is an easy way to get passed all this , but there isn't. I think of you and your family daily. Stay strong !

Hang in there KYO,,,,,,,, It is gonna be hard, but you will come through this. I and my children have all had the feelings you are going through. I wish I could tell you that there is an easy way to get passed all this , but there isn't. I think of you and your family daily. Stay strong !

Thank you coollady. Thank you so much. Thank you hurtingrl & sonjam for your latest posts. Thank you everyone. Being here and reading everyone's posts of encouragement and advice is therapy for me. I am not very talkative in person, especially about my feelings if they are hurt, I probably open my mouth in that respect 1/4 of the time than I post here.

I was crying so much that I may have damaged my temples. I was crying a lot not just because I miss him, but because my overactive imagination was seeing him grabbing his heart, clinging to life as he was in tremendous pain. But what I heard this weekend lifted one black cloud from my sky.

A 10 year old boy gave a police report of what happened. He said that my father was sitting on the train. Then his eyes closed, he slumped to his side, fell on the floor, and then he died. Just like that. For anyone who fears the unknown that lies before us after death, that is the perfect way to go. They said if he felt pain, it was quicker than a dejavu recall. How can I be angry a God taking my father from us when he did it in the least painful way possible FOR HIM. For me, I'll handle the grief. I rather grieve than have him suffer because like I said before, his death was not about me.

Hhere was a man who never missed a day of work for sickness, and rarely got sick. Never had a cold. Was an Iron Man of sorts... but deathly afraid of doctors and hospitals. The morning of his death, he did not take his vitamins, and that is not like him at all. He never forgets. He almost died 10 years ago because of neglecting to go to a doctor when warning signs were flashing all around. This time, it caught up with him and took him out quicker than a hiccup. So, me and my mother are sure of it: he knew something was wrong, but because he never gets sick, and he was not fond of doctors, he felt he could beat it.

Now I have to support my mother more than I ever realized. Whereas I am missing my father dearly, thanking God for sparing him pain and suffering, I am worried she will be angry at him not going to the doctor. I also fear that, down the road, I will experience such regret. My mom is holding up nicely, she a woman of Faith. I believe in things of the sorts, but not nearly enough as she does. LOL, I also have to watch out now that she's a widow. She was a model, and even though she's 62, she looks 42, maybe in her late 30s. Everyone thinks she's my sister and that my father, even though he looked 15-20 years younger than his 65 years, married a younger woman. Any guy making a pass at her in front of me will get the evil eye combined with a "I will break your neck" look in my scowl.

What can we do? Just live life, I guess. I didn't think that death would make living so hard to do.

It's going to hurt for some time, Kyo. There will be days where you will feel as though you took a step forward; and then there are days where you feel as though you took 6 giant steps backward. It's been about 19 months since my dad and I still feel it.

I think the dreams that we have are for working things out in our minds; and also are loved ones reaching out to us. Please know that you're thought of.

I didn't think that death would make living so hard to do.

The death of my dad is something I anticipate with much distress! I can not begin to understand what you all have experienced but do know that the mere thought of it sends me through an identity crisis of sorts. I mean who are we when we lose someone who has come to all of our life events, given us away as brides, and supported us when they really might not have chosen to if we were merely strangers!

I know your fathers would all want you to live long, prosper, and remember all they tought you and to teach these things to your children!

I think the dreams that we have are for working things out in our minds; and also are loved ones reaching out to us. Please know that you're thought of.

Some of the strangest things have happened in my dreams when it comes to the loss of a loved one! It really makes me wonder about the possibilities of an afterlife - I hope I do not offend anyone by announcing that I am Agnostic, but dream life encompasses death in such a mysterious way. I'm sure we all have a story or two to tell on this.

How awful--but I suppose there is no reason to be sorry for what we take no responsibility for. This is not, of course, in offense to any of those who apologized; I will mourn for you, too.

Kyo, I am so sorry. I haven't read the entire thread yet, but I just wanted to wish all of you well.

Death really sucks. My dad died when I was nine years old(after the doctors told us he would make a full recovery), and it took me a while to fully recover.

Anyway, I just hope you and your mom can hang in there. Take care man.

Just wanted to let you know I think of you and your family often. I hope you are all doing as well as you can at this point.

Kyoshira, how are you doing? I am so very sorry to read this news. We're definitely here for you, and to give you our wholehearted support if you need us.

Hey guys thanks a lot for your kind words. I feel like you're all part of an extended e-family and I need that now definitely. I don't know, it's still so soon, 2 months this Saturday. I do know it doesn't dominate my life as it did immediately following, well not every second of the day at least. But every now and then, maybe about 10 times a day, I get a brief recall of his presense. My mom feels the same way.

Funny story, I swore off Marvin Gaye since he was my father's favorite singer and spitting image. So I'm on the computer while the TV is in the background and as I turned around to get a drink a water, they run a Soul Compilation featuring none other than Marvin Gaye. His song plays, Marvin is on the screen, and I freeze for about 15 seconds, lost in a trance of memories from that one brief clip. I can't cry anymore, my temples hurt too much from the strain. But damned if I didn't get a sniffle or two out of that moment.

Thanks again all.

I do know it doesn't dominate my life as it did immediately following, well not every second of the day at least. But every now and then, maybe about 10 times a day, I get a brief recall of his presense. My mom feels the same way.

 

 

 

I can't cry anymore, my temples hurt too much from the strain.

Thanks again all.

I can fully understand what you both are dealing with on the brief moments where you think of him and miss him. I still have my moments as well after nearly three years, but not so much as I used to. The crying thing I understand also. Sometimes you get to a point where you feel like you have cried rivers of tears and there are no more left.

Take care and just remember you are all in my thoughts.

I lost my dad almost a year ago and it is still very hard. At first I grieved FOR my mom, then for siblings, my family and lastly myself. That was bad for me because I hadn't actually grieved for myself because I was so worried about everyone else. I think it takes a full year to realize it actually happened. I still cry every day for him. There is really no feeling like it at all.

The funeral home send us a magazine called 'The anatomy of Grief', it was excellent and to the point with the stages of grief. You actually will go through them so will your mom. Also, my mother went to group sessions at HOSPICE center for hope. I went to counseling as well enrolled my children in a group too. It was hard for them to understand and they still talk about him everyday too!! That really helped a lot.

I remember the first time I actually felt GOOD after his death, I actually felt GUILTY. He was a great man who I miss every day. Yesterday was his birthday!

You will go through so much but more appreciative of life. My thoughts are with you!!

~L~

Kyo,

Your posts have helped me so much. You are so strong.

Thank you.

Moulinbleu

Hey Kyo,

Reading that you were reminded of your dad when you turned on the TV and saw Marvin Gaye, makes me think that your dad is thinking of you up there.

My dad used to wear thick tan rubber bands around his wrists (he was always trying to fix things with tape and rubberbands, hahaha). Ever since my dad died I see these rubberbands (for real) on the ground during my walks---all the time. Just this morning I saw two of them and knew that dad was thinking of me