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my husband has a prostitute addiction


daisy5

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I have been married for 15 years. Two years ago, I found out my husband had been chronically unfaithful for most all of our marriage. After some digging, I found out that he had been with many prostitutes. Long story short, we broke up, then got back together after he promised many things. One thing he assured me was that his infidelity was over with. Then I was checking the history on his laptop a couple of weeks ago and noticed that he had went to an escort search site and searching for escorts in our city and the one that he had travelled to that night for work. My only resolve is to get a divorce. We have 3 children and I am terrified of trying to take on all of this responsibility myself, but I am worried about my health if I stay with him. I decided two weeks ago that I would not have sex with him again. I need advice on what to say to him and if anyone has heard of this kind of addiction.

 

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I'm so sorry to hear about what you are going through. I have absolutely no experience with this and don't know what you should say. Have you thought about talking this over with a therapist? She might be able to give you some advice on how to confront him with what you suspect about his.

 

Also, have you gotten tested for HIV and other STDs? That is definitely in order.

 

Sorry I couldn't be more help to you. Maybe someone else on here can give you better advice.

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I don't know what else to say to this, but:

 

!. Stick to your commitment of NOT having sex with him.

2. Get tested for all stds, and SPECIFICALLY ask for HPV and HSV-2 antibody testing (which tests for genital warts and herpes).

 

I was student previously studying in the healthcare field, so I know a little bit about these diseases. It is MUST that you go tested right away, and cross my fingers, I hope you're okay!

 

About his addiction - well, I'm so sorry to hear about your story. I know that in some areas of the world, where some husbands travel far on business trips or just lesurely vacations (i.e. Asia- more specifically - southeast asia - Thailand) sex tours are commonly offered. That's aslo where stds are an epidemic. I've also seen lots of men who go to Vegas who "have" "wedding rings" on, and witnessed them walking into elevators with young escorts (prostitutes). Oh, and resting areas. commonly, where truckers/traverlors rest, also have prostitution going on. It makes me SICK.

 

I hope you're okay.

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I would like to talk to a therapist but do not have time or money. I am working extra hours to earn some more money. As you can imagine most all of our money has been wasted on my husbands extra curriculur activities.

 

I did have a blood test done on Friday. I will speak with my doctor in detail about this tomorrow.

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I intend for my next discussion with him to be about our divorce, what will happen to the kids, how he will support them and where each of them will live. I have reached my limit. His problem will be his problem and I will move on with my life.

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Sounds like your husband is a sex addict. My father was one and frequented prostitutes and had flings as well. His addiction cost him his life. The best thing you can do is to get away from your husband if he doesn't get treatment for his problem. He WILL end up catching something eventually and bringing it home. He's gambling with your life and your children's future. He needs to get help, or get out.

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  • 3 weeks later...
  • 1 month later...

I also recently found out that my boyfriend of 5 years has been seeing prostitutes. He says it happened for the first two and a half years we were together and that it has not happened since. He also decided to admit this whilst suffering from depression and at his lowest ebb. I have stuck by him to help him with the depression and told him that once he was more on top of things he would have to do something to try and sort out our relationship.

 

Two months on, his depression is improving but he has done nothing about repairing our relationship. I am angry with him as inspite of everything he has done and everything he has said about regretting it and loving me etc he still does not seem to care enough about me to sort this out. I have not told many people about this because I think they would think I am mad for staying with him (and at the moment I'd probably have to agree with them). The problem is I do not know if I still love and want to be with him and I don't know if it's just because I'm still angry with him.

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  • 1 month later...

Hi everyone,

 

I am in the same boat as the person who wrote this thread. I have now been through it all (well at least for 4 months now). The doctors, the illness, the re-occurrence of symtoms. All thanks to my DH.

 

I found out by a letter in the mail that our insurance messed up (thank God), I do all the bills and opened one that said he was late on his STD treatment bill from the local ER. I was incoherent for two weeks, this was going on before we were married, during my pregnancy, and lastly while we were trying to have our second. That was when I got infected (he thought he was treated and had sex with me, and then now I know, 4 days later was with "Sexy Marie'... all from an internet escort agency.

 

That was how it all started. First he said it was only the 'massage parlor girls' (now I know they jokingly call this activity 'rub and tug'). It is more common than you think. My friend and brother work in that business and they say they get offered extra money all of the time for a 'realease' at the end. Nice huh?

At the point I found out I thought I had a yeast infection or something, so my husband had to come clean. Long story, shorter.. ... 3 hospital stays later, many angry, ahem.... tyrades later, distrust, genuine malaise and insecurity are now my constant companions.

 

He in turn has now turned 'majically' from an agnostic to a devout Christian. Sounds and looks to me like he is playing ostrich! It makes me so angry!

 

I left a professional career (ironically in Infectious Disease) to be a stay at home Mom. My husband is controlling and has ADHD, which I understand is comorbid with sex addictions also.

 

Question for anyone who reads this: Do I give him one chance to get to get a brain scan to see if this can now be very precisely (hopefully) dealt with with medication? He is seeing a sex therapist which he was going to before he even got caught. She says, after many sessions, that he does not equate sex with love. How sad.

 

My health is fine now, but I had a miscarriage (I think) from either stress or ... well who knows what. I have a clean bill of health. Not mentally though. I am seeing a therapist too now. My rage is scary to me at times. VERY.

 

There are no good books I have been able to find on infidelity in particular with prostitues. If anyone knows an infidelity book that deals with prostitutes please post it, or e-mail me.

Thanks, Please read my words carefully, even if you do not respond. I have been through hell. It is hard to get out. I am half packed to leave now with no where to go really. But I am stuggling with breaking up a family (two half sisters- one with special needs who will no longer get to stay with my daughter and grow up if I leave!)

 

If you do not have children, and it is easier to leave... go, run now. You WILL eventually get over him/her. Be careful and get to know the next person before becoming sexually involved next time ( I know it is hard! ). It is for both our mental and physical well being. Our very lives do depend on it, and the lives of our children. Since I was breasfeeding my baby she had to have an HIV test too. (Passes through the breat milk along with also Hepatitus and some other diseases as well (although I may be rusty on those... I worked in a different area of Infec. Disease so I am not entirely sure and still am in limbo, about everything!

One other thing: most adults do not have Hepatitus B vaccines! Go and get them if you are at high risk or even if you just are not quite sure. It is worth it. I luckily have immunity from Hep A and Hep B from working in labbs with bodily fluids (Hep B is sexually transmitted).

Be careful everyone.

Peace, Love, and Warmest regards and Wishes,

AnnMarie

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  • 3 weeks later...

My husband found a prostitute on link removed. I found an email from him to her that was attached to her reply with an attached sex video, that he had saved in his email in a "financial" folder. He of course said he had no knowledge of it. He said he must have been VERY drunk to do something like that. So, I asked him were you drunk when you received and hid the response she sent you at 4:30pm on a Thursday afternoon? He changed his story and said he was just curious and doing research because he might want to open a porn video studio?!? Yeah, right. I told him I don't believe him. He also was not having/wanting sex from me for almost 2 years. I had more sex than that while I was single! But now after I confronted him he wants it all the time. How screwed up is that? He must have felt a huge relief that I found out. I still do not forgive him. I have the most evil thoughts. He thinks everything is fine and I should just get over it because it is no big deal. It is a big deal. Just the email is a big deal. He signed his name in the email to that prostitute the exact same as he does in emails to me, by his first initial. I think he did it. Revenge is best served cold.

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I've just found out that my boyfriend of 2 years has been going regulary to massage parlours. I feel so deeply hurt, and I don't know what to do.

 

We have a six month old baby. I don't know whether to stay or go. What should i do?

 

I don't know how to get over it or how he can stop. I had to really push and push for him to tell the truth and it wasn't until i presented him with evidence that he eventually confessed.

 

He says he loves me and wants me to stay, but I don't know if that is the right thing to do.

 

Please help.

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My Ex got drunk and screwed a Russian Prostitute at a bar in our village. He caught major dose of the clap from her. Worst of it was he was so intent on telling me it had not happened that he actually slept with me "would I sleep with you if I had been with a prostitute and put you in danger" so I too had to go down the STD clinic route.

 

Because he used a bar in the village where we live everyone found out about it, the neighbours of the bar complained to the village council, the mayor came to me to ask me to go to the police with him to make a complaint (over here the wife has to put in a complaint before any action can be taken, why basically nothing normally happens)! so I had the ignomy of getting an STD and having to go into a police station to tell them my Husband had screwed a Prostitute for £150 and caught a disease which he had given to me. The lovely young policeman looked at me with such pity, the whole village looked at me with pity. Meanwhile Husband told me at this point he realised he truly loved me.

 

My self confidence is still in tatters 5 months later.

 

My davice get out whilst you can I did and yes it is bloody hard but I am living with it and right is on my side.

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Thank you for your advice. I haven't known who to turn to and without this site I would've been lost.

 

i'm just scared of what the future will have instore for me, where I will go and what i will do. But, I know that I have to do what is right for me and my baby daughter.

 

I just keep going over and over in my head how could he do such as thing, all he ever had to do was to tell me that he no longer wanted me.

 

I really cannot believe how many men do it to their wives/girlfriends. Do they just never stop and think what they are actually doing?

 

The only consolation I have now is that I know that i am not alone.

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  • 1 month later...

Hello,

I too have just found out my husband was seeing hookers. We have been married for 13 1/2 years. He has been seeing hookers for 10 of those years.

I just found out 1 month ago. I am very thankful I came accross this site. In a way it helps to know other people have gone thru this and are surviving. I thought I had a wonderful marriage. We were very close and have a beautiful 3 year old daughter and I was trying to get pregnant again. My husband seemed distracted at times during our marriage but believe me I had ABSOLUTELY NO CLUE. I guess he hid it pretty well. I am running every gamete of emotions and your e-mails let me know this I am normal. At first he was acting like it was no big deal and suggested he did it because he wasn't getting "enough" at home. The truth is I thought or sex life was fine and he wasn't saying to me or acting like he wanted more. I am a registered nurse and know all the medical implications of STD etc. I got myself checked immediately and he followed after I confronted him. Of course he wants to stay married and states he will do whatever it takes to keep us that way. He'll never do it again etc. But I don't know if I can stay. My emotions run hot and cold all the time. I cry one second and have an overwhelimg sadness and then the next I am very angry. This is very unusuale for me I am usually very stable. I hate what has happened to me and how I am changing. An emotional wreck!! I am going to a therapist. He went to a phycologist who said he did not have a sexual addiction but a power issue and he was horny. We went to a marriage counselor last Monday and he sat on the couch and when she asked why we were there he stated "I've been seeing hookers because I'm not getting enough at home". She told him that was a bad thing to do but,then preceded to tell me how bad I was for not being the "wife he needed". I told her that was bull and it was there for the asking and she told me I needed to present it to him in a different way. Anyway I am getting beat up here. This is 2006 I thought the days of when subservancy was over. I'm NOTtaking the blame. Especially since I was never told there was a problem. I thought Hookers were on the other side of town on the street corner. Apparently they are closer to home than we think. I've learned a lot about this married man hobby. My husband too had posted reviews and he told how these woman were hot and what they did together in bed. I hate him right now and want to go. But I keep thinking about our daughter she never asked for any of this. I need some advice and strength from other people who have been through this. How do you get through each day??

I wouldn't wish this on my worse enemy but I' m glad your out there sharing insight.

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Thank goodness for this thread! Bailor01, I really sympathise and empathise and my emotions are similar to yours.

 

My husband of 8 yrs has always been wonderful and I love him dearly. I shall just get on with my story, thank you for listening in advance because at this moment I just need to share. I have felt really lonely and there is no-one I can talk to and so I feel even more lonely, particularly as my husband is out of the country on business again so soon after his infidelity, tests for STD's etc. I am left with all this hurt and pain and yet life just continues on. I just want to scream and cry.

 

My usband was in Asia, unused to being away from home and on his first night away, jet lagged and drunk he walked to the off license to buy more beer so he could sleep. (He has since stopped drinking completely). Before he makes it out of the hotel, a lady asks if he would like a lady for the night. He goes back upstairs with the lady and enters her vaginally and anally without protection. Then he stops, puts on a condom and continues but stops again and says he needs a beer. He takes her with him downstairs, gets his beer and tells her that he doesn’t want her to go back with him to the hotel room. He does not complete the act. She tells him that he has paid good money and he tells her that he loves his wife and doesn’t want a lady.

 

He actually went back to his hotel room alone and called me. He didn’t tell me because he says he couldn’t and was scared I would leave him. Instead, he tells me how much he loves me and misses me; that he is sorry for waking me if he did so and repeated a few times how much he loved me. At that point, I was happy to hear his voice and I missed him too and was happy to hear he loved me.

 

When he got back, he was pretty much the same man. I did notice however that he no longer climaxed inside me. Also he doesn’t really do foreplay, which I enjoy but that’s nothing new. Anyway, he has to go back to the country for work and this time we go with him; myself and the children. We had a lovely time. A couple of weeks later, he has to go back and I alone go with him. He was acting really strange though but he had been drinking quite heavily and not eating too well and I put it down to stress and pressure and alcohol. He begins to feel unwell and phones his Dr who suggests it could be a flu virus or HIV, which is when he panics. I am angry that he chose to panic then! His answer is that he thought contact was so minimal that there was no risk but I don’t buy this. Why then would he choose not to climax inside me? His answer is that he thought I could catch some other bacterial virus because of the anal sex. On with the story…..

 

The week we are together, just the two of us, no kids and I thought we would have a lovely time, dining out, romancing etc. Instead, he is really odd and doesn’t want to spend a dime. He wants to see me financially secure and stuff and then one evening, we are chatting and he is drunk, which isn’t anything unusual (but not drunk so that other people would know coz he is a very together kind of guy), he gets really sad and asks me a few abstract questions and I tell him that regardless of the money or the outcome, if you feel that something isn’t right, no matter what the consequences are, you shouldn’t do it. So he tells me…..

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I'm so sorry for everyone in this thread. Lifetime (TV network) had a movie with Harry Hamlin and Lisa Ritta (?) that puts a picture to this whole thing.

 

As for me, I left CA, in part due to a situation wherein I discovered my BF was visiting prostitutes. Really messed me up.

 

He brought me to one of those SLAA 12 step meetings once (Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous) and I still didn't get a clue. I asked him, why are we here? Then he told me his sponsor (of another 12 step program) had recommended he go. It didn't click. One night he called me and told me he'd been arrested for solicitation and needed a ride to his van, as the police had confiscated it. I was shocked. I made him move out, but let him come back. What finally sealed the deal was his sponsor called me and told me what was up, a HUGE violation when you're in a 12 step program, but he was concerned about my health. I actually did get something that kept me out of work for a week, but the Dr. says it wasn't sexually transmitted. Still, I have never had anything like that. I had to take about 8 baths a day to draw out the infection. I can put up with a lot, but I do draw the line at something that puts my health at risk that way.

 

Anyway, I left him. Have only spoken to him once in the last three years. Luckily, we weren't married and have no children.

 

This last one I have been involved with hasn't even wanted to really consummate our relationship. It's been seven months. I don't even want to touch that one or know why. I am just done with men.

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BANG! I feel my heart stop and I am not sure if I am hearing correctly. I feel numb and don’t know if I feel anything. I need to think how I feel because I don’t feel!

 

Then this horror washes me. I feel panic, humiliation, fear, confusion, sadness, pain at the betrayal from the man I love and I am so damn angry. I think I hyperventilated the night and the day away and kept passing out because I couldn’t cope! I asked questions in small stages because I couldn’t take it all in one go. I couldn’t cope with full knowledge at once. The contents of my stomach reached my bowels double quick and I felt so sick and worried for him, for me and for us.

 

I am so angry and I thought about leaving him. I felt I should because he not only committed this abhorrent act of betrayal but he lied about some things, he put me at risk and only when he felt that he may have caught something and could be ill did he come clean with me.

 

I also felt that I wasn’t fulfilling his needs sexually and that he wanted sex where he didn’t have to think of someone else’s needs; just his own. I am a passionate person though and I really do fancy and love my husband. And so I feel that perhaps he doesn’t find me sexually attractive and perhaps I even gross him out. I am older than him by a couple of years but am not unattractive and I am still slim with a figure better than some women half my age (still gravity and childbirth have taken their toll) and I know that well, familiarity breeds contempt or so they say and so I am left wondering if he finds me boringly and sexually unattractive and maybe he always did.

 

I have a seriously low self esteem now! It wasn’t great before… but now!!!

 

So I think… do I tell him to go? He tells me how sorry he is, how much he loves me and says I can have everything. I ask him if he wants to leave and perhaps that’s why he not only went with a prostitute but also told me. I raged at him for telling me and hurting me and told him he should have kept his guilt to himself. He tells me he felt proud that he had not completed sex with the lady and I rage at him that he should feel disgusted, not proud (I am almost spitting blood just thinking of it all).

 

And there is no-one I can talk to, no-one I can turn to for comfort but him and I am angry at myself for wanting him to comfort me when he is the cause of this unbearable pain. I lean on him and pull away and lean and pull away. I can’t even look at him because I am scared of what I will see in his eyes and I want to smack him in the eyes too!

 

I decide that whatever, I love him. He made a mistake. He was vulnerable at that particular time although that is not an excuse, he was weakened and the opportunity for sex arose and he didn’t think… bulls**t. He chose not to think. He chose to do it and pay her. But I love him and I don’t want to throw our relationship away. It is the best one I have ever had. It isn’t perfect, whose is? I know that I always imagined I would never tolerate this kind of abuse of our relationship and yet here I am??!!!! I am still confused, very much so and I believe it will always be there now and it isn’t something I will get over ever, but I can deal with it, I think. It could be worse. Tests so far are negative.

 

I try to be honest about my feelings of low self esteem stemming by not only the fact that my husband doesn’t really want to touch me but that I like sex. In fact, I would like it far more! I always feel like he’s doing me a favour, you know? I want to feel needed by him and I don’t. I’d like to feel more comfortable to try new things but how can I do that if I think perhaps that he doesn’t find me attractive enough to ‘need’ me? I want to feel that closeness and passion. With me, he is quite reserved. I guess we both are. Any suggestions?

 

And he has gone away on business once again and so here I am feeling confused, lonely, sad and frustrated!

 

When he phones, I get really antsy with him because of the way I am feeling and when I finish speaking to him, I cry and then get on with it… as you do.

 

I am not happy.

 

Comments and suggestions are appreciated but please be gentle.

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Survictor, I have no idea what to say, except that I feel your pain. No two situations are the same. It was best for me to leave, as I simply can't deal with certain things.

 

I'm leaving this one too, as I simply can't deal with his irresponsibility and cannot find a way to explain to myself why he doesn't want me. He has a female roommate (I've never met) and it's platonic, so he says. I call there and she sounds normal enough. There's never been a problem. Maybe he has no sex drive? Or maybe, he takes his business elsewhere.

 

I shudder to say this, but I will. There were times he smelled of that scent, you know. I put it off to pheromones. I just feel like throwing up and NC is the way to go for me.

 

Only you can figure out what you need to do, but I'd strongly suggest some kind of support group or counseling.

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Thanks. Counselling, I believe is raking over things, digging them up and it ends up making you feel worse. I dunno. I think I shall try to communicate more (when I see him that is) and be more open. Perhaps this is what you should do with your guy. Actually, I think if you really think he is gay, he probably is and you're doing the right thing.

 

I don't want to give up on my marriage. There are things wrong with it, but there are things right with it too. I dunno!!!! Blast it. I keep churning it all over and questions still persist.

 

I wish you well.

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