Just.. Ever so slightly worried about what's to come.

i have an appointment to see a ..special dude type person tomorrow.. i've been waiting for this appointment for months and months now.. it was rescheduled from january to now. The thing is, i have to see him because he's one of those types of guys that can actually say whether or not i can start the whole .. procedure. for.. getting..hormone treatment and ..all that funky surgery stuff.. hafoo.

i don't know what i should expect.. what if he refuses me? i don't know what i'd do after waiting for so long. how long will he keep me there? i'd rather it not just be a half hour of him asking me questions, then turning me out, saying he'll see me in a few months, and see if i still want to be a boy then.

i hate it when people talk like that. i really hope he doesn't do that.. i'm worried i'll just freeze up and not tell him anything, or start crying or something..

but the biggest problem with it all after.. is my mom.

she said before she'd have no part in helping me.. (before proceeding to cry and ask me if i could just be "normal" for her sake..but that's not my point right now.) but i need her. not just for money, but for a little bit of support..after all, she is my mother. isn't that what she's supposed to do? sometimes? just.. kinda be there.. oh well.

and with my dad.. he's the old fashioned sexist. where the women stay inside the house and cook and clean and have babies, and the men go get water and chop wood and hunt. i have no idea why he's like that, but.. he is. i'm worried he'd abandon me entirely, ignore me..

i don't want my brother to hate me.

and if nothing happens, then they'll never change, they won't see any considerable damage.. but then -i'll- be broken up. i'll be the one all.. hafoo.

basically, what do i .. do?

i sound a little calmly worried, but it's a weird mood. could be the headache.

Hey gemincer,

This is a very big step, and the procedure of the intake alone is quite heavy. A friend of mine, she is now in her fifties is right in the middle of becoming a woman. She has been a very unhappy woman in a man's body for a long long time.

The specialists at a gender clinic are trained to see whether a person fits the profile or if he/she has another problem with similar 'symptoms'. I think for you it's quite clearcut that you are in fact a man, and not a girl. There are all kinds of tests that you will have to take. But also, they are persons who know a LOT of people who experience your troubles. So you can also confide in them with the issue of your family.

I know it's very very hard to tell this to your parents. After all, until you're 16 you will also need their consent for any type of surgery or even for the hormonal treatment. However, if the clinic can see that you are really genderdysphoric, they will also ask the parents to attend one or more talks at the clinic.

All I can say is goodluck, my friend. I will be thinking of you, and you know you are free to pm me whenever you need about these things.

About the normal thing, tell your mom that of course you wished you felt better than you do now. That it hurts you when she implies wanting a 'more normal' child. You are perfect the way you are as a person. In the end I am sure she means she wants you to be happy. However, she probably doesn't have the slightest idea about people born in the wrong gendered body so to say. Maybe it will help her to read stories about other former girls, now guys. We had a special in the newspaper about kids your age and even younger who were in the middle of the process, I am sure there are websites or even materials at the clinic made for parents-of.

Ilse

I saw a programme a long time ago about this (I live in England). It followed a man going through the whole procedure of becoming a woman. He had to see a Psychiatrist for a while to see how being a man was affecting him, his childhood feelings, etc.

Later on he had to live as a woman. I think that was for a year, probably two? Eventually they put him on hormones to make breasts. I'm sure he wasn't happy with the size of them and had breast implants! Finally they operated to make him a vagina.

It's a very long process and can take years! Also, I think you have to be 18 (adult) before they'll consider the hormone treatment.

I'm sorry I can't help more.

Good luck and take care.

and with my dad.. he's the old fashioned sexist. where the women stay inside the house and cook and clean and have babies, and the men go get water and chop wood and hunt.

LOL Those kind bug me, too.

I just wanted to say that I read your thread and I can only imagine how you must be feeling. You have to be who really think you are inside and not what others want and think you should be or you will be miserable for the rest of your life. I think Ilse gave good advice about the trained professionals who determine whether you should be eligible for the gender change or not. You are really young, so hopefully they take you seriously and don't make you wait until you are in your 20s.

It probably wouldn't hurt your parents to seek some counseling from professionals to learn how to deal with this and be supportive of their own child.

I hope everything goes the way you want it to.

she.. does know some things about "people born in the wrong gendered body".. she has some idea anyway. obviously she doesn't want to bother to go deeper into it and know more.. she thinks it's disgusting and wrong. she doesn't want to have anything to do with me sometimes, it seems.. and lately, whenever i need her, she brushes it off and tells me to go to my room, or have a nap, just.. to go away.

i suppose asking her why she even bothered having kids isn't the way to go about it, but sometimes you have to wonder. maybe.. i don't know. i'm a horrible 'prototype'..

confusing myself..

thanks for all the.. hoping for good luck and such.. i really hope things go well too. obviously.

is it just me, or does it seem a little easier to be mtf instead? maybe it's just looking at the grass on the other side.

i read somewhere though, that someone was completely female by the end of high school.. couldn't help but feel some part of jealousy. i'd hate for myself to be like this when i start university..

would it help to say i'm turning 17 next month?

Get as much information for them (and yourself) as you can.

Your mother is scared and fear is fed by ignorance. So try to work with her and the rest of your family to get educated so that they understand what is happening now and what will happen in the future.

Remember that they love you and fear for you and for themselves. It is as big an issue for them as it is for you. So they will need your support and understanding as much as you need theirs.

I am not minimizing how hard this will be. But you will need to be the strong one for now until you can show them the way forward. Hopefully, when they do understand they will then be able to help and support you.

Everyone in your family is going on a journey of discovery here - not all of you will begin it at the same time.

.. i'm not entirely convinced my family's the type to .. go on any type of journey. my parents are pretty stubborn about the way they are. my dad thinks he's really really old, and he's only just turned 40. my mom.. has no faith that things will get better in the future. and they both keep whining about how their lives could get better.. - basically, i don't think it's happening. i'm more of a boarder in their house than a child of theirs..

hafoo.

if i do want to change things about myself, it's going to happen by my own .. doing..? obviously. but basically, they won't do anything. they might talk to me now and then..

well then what's the problem?

.. i tend to freak out. make things either too small or too big.

i was just.. worried about this one visit to this dude changing everything. in a way, it will.. but..bah. i don't know what to expect, in detail, when i'm there. i doubt he'll sit me on a tall chair and give me a sucker. i also highly doubt that he'll talk to me about how i'm doing in school, or with my family.. but then, i don't know. maybe he'll do both of those. maybe he'll just stamp "freak" accross my head and dismiss me.

maybe nervous is the feeling.

and with my dad.. he's the old fashioned sexist. where the women stay inside the house and cook and clean and have babies, and the men go get water and chop wood and hunt.

I know what you mean on that, gave a perfect description of how my immediate and extended family functions. Fundamental beliefs, traditional actions with little idea expansion beyond that. My mother has been the best of them but the rest are so narrow minded, it is unfortunate.

I'm not familiar with everything that goes on in the procedure and I think those posting before me have a wealth more information than I could ever offer for comfort in this situation.

I'd just like to give you my wishes for things turning out in your favor. Hopefully all is approved and goes through as planned smoothly. Best as it can be for you.

thanks for all the.. hoping for good luck and such.. i really hope things go well too. obviously.

is it just me, or does it seem a little easier to be mtf instead? maybe it's just looking at the grass on the other side.

i read somewhere though, that someone was completely female by the end of high school.. couldn't help but feel some part of jealousy. i'd hate for myself to be like this when i start university..

would it help to say i'm turning 17 next month?

I think you mean FTM, yes (since you would be MTF if you continue on this path)? FTMs don't really have it that much easier. It is slightly easier in the beginning in that women have somewhat more sartorial freedom than men do in our culture, such that women can "get away with" wearing men's clothes much, much more readily than men can do so with women's clothes. However, there's much more to this than clothing, and as FTMs try to change their overall appearance and physique the same issues come up as with MTFs for those around them in their personal lives.

One thing I would advise about this whole process is to take it slowly and do not rush. In North America, there are the consultations you are going on now, and after that it's a process that takes a few years to go through. What you want to be asking yourself at every step of the way is whether there are other options for leading a happy life for you, or not. I only say that because not everyone who is transgender on the inside opts to go down the path of becoming a MTF TS or undergoing SRS and the like ... it really depends on the specific person and your own needs and ability to be happy in different circumstances, and it's best not to rush to a decision either way, I think.

Hi Gemincer,

I am so sorry to hear about your struggles with your parents.

However, don't sell them short. Parents, when they really love you, can be your greatest ally.

My mom and I went through a tumultous time when I told her I'm gay. There were moments when she would say cruel things, but I knew it was because she was scared and confused...But through education and support(she has been reading alot and attending PFLAG meetings with me once a month) she is understanding me and, surprisingly, accepting my sexuality...

When it comes down to it all our parents want is our happiness and success. The fact that your parents are even taking you to this therapist is evidence that there is some hope.

I don't know what it is like for you as a transgender male, and I can only imagine. But hang in there and stay strong for your parents. Right now all of THEIR dreams for you have been shattered. Now it is time to build up a new dream and be even more positive.

You hang in there.

What I express in this post are my own opinions and I will also define some things and try to explain some things as correct some assumptions.

I think you mean FTM, yes (since you would be MTF if you continue on this path)? FTMs don't really have it that much easier. It is slightly easier in the beginning in that women have somewhat more sartorial freedom than men do in our culture, such that women can "get away with" wearing men's clothes much, much more readily than men can do so with women's clothes. However, there's much more to this than clothing, and as FTMs try to change their overall appearance and physique the same issues come up as with MTFs for those around them in their personal lives.

First of all... I do Believe, or I am pretty sure that -gemincer- actually mean MtF(Male to Female) when he said that. He would not become a MtF... he's probably the other way around. When you a transexual you i dentify with the gender that, we would call the opposite gender. But if you identify with the "other" gender it's alsy very natural that you would use the pronounce you're comfortable with. So... MtF's would use Female and FtM's would use Male. It is their goal to be completed as that sex and thus would use that pronounce. (I'm repeating to emphasise on that.)

It is true that FtM's has it easier in the beginning, from a 3rd persons point of veiw, because it is more accepted in our society for women to wear men's clothing, but as it goes on other problems appears. problems that MtF's do not have. Especially when it comes to the operation. It's easier to create or form a vagina then it is to create a penis out of pretty much nothing. You can now though, only that it isn't looking like a, what one would call, normal penis. The surgeons aren't that good and especially technology hasn't come that far with the male re-production organ and it's going slow.

One thing I would advise about this whole process is to take it slowly and do not rush. In North America, there are the consultations you are going on now, and after that it's a process that takes a few years to go through. What you want to be asking yourself at every step of the way is whether there are other options for leading a happy life for you, or not. I only say that because not everyone who is transgender on the inside opts to go down the path of becoming a MTF TS or undergoing SRS and the like ... it really depends on the specific person and your own needs and ability to be happy in different circumstances, and it's best not to rush to a decision either way, I think.

That process includes Dianostic assessment, psycotherapy, real-life experiance, hormone therapy, and surgical therapy.

About the transgender and transsexual thing. there is a difference, one could say. As gender refers to the social sex and sex refers the the physical sex we could put transgendered people in one group and transsexuals in another. The difference being that Transgendered feels like the opposite sex (in relation to the physical gender) but they don't have to be in need of a any surgery. Some only needs to take the hormones. Transsexual is when you do need to be the opposite sex, both physically and accepted socially.

I wouldn't say rushing to a decision... -gemincer- has been to this forum before and talked about his problems and for many transsexuals the feeling of not really belonging starts at a very early age when we train our gender roles like in kindergarten or day care. Many feels better with the opposite gender role (remember that it is in relation to the physical sex) and likes playing with their toys and socializing with them, just feels like they belong to that group.

For those who are interested in learning more about Transsexualism and Transgendered individuals, Here's a site my boyfriend showed me. It's very good too might I add. link removed

Things look alrightish for now with my mom and stuff like that.. and i've begun to really despise the way doctors work. probably because they're busy, and there aren't really many doctors around.. (when i say doctors, i mean specialists of all, or at least many types.)

and yes, when i said mtf, i meant that.. i didn't make a mistake. if i did, i would have edited it. ...because i'm a perfectionist that way. what i meant by that was just what he (UT) said.. with the other stuff, the surgery and further stuff, i feel that it's probably easier to be mtf. and even now, i'd much rather be on the other side of the scale, where it's be much more obvious, and people probably wouldn't be really as easygoing about things as they are now. right now, they don't understand. they just brush it off as me being 'some tomboy', or 'some butch lesbian.' which.. really hurts, because if i were a girl, i'd love it. i'd enjoy being a girl. if i were a lesbian, i..highly doubt i'd want to be a butch one. and along that note, i don't even like girls that way, really.. so both of those are just stereotypical assumptions, and everybody knows those hurt. i'd rather they push me to the ground and beat the living daylights out of me sometimes, rather than staring at the freak in the hallway. at least that way i'd know for sure what they were thinking, right..? hafoo.. it's just so much more defined for a girl to show that she's a girl, than for a boy to do the same. ...without flashing people.

and on that other half.. why would i go through all the trouble of this... only to "turn back into a girl" ..? i may not be the brightest bulb in the box, but i'm not quite that bad.

it bothers me that people think this is a decision, that i have to think about.. even the doctor said that. he wouldn't start me on the hormone treatment stuff, because "if i were to change my mind.." blah blah blah.

i'm not the kind of person that would just decide on a whim.. "oh, i'm not having such a good day, so i'm going to just change my gender." or "people don't seem to like me as a girl, so i'm going to be a boy for now, and see how much they like me then." that is -not- my problem. for me, i really only have two choices. i know people hear this all the time, and i'm sorry to overuse it, but.. it's true. it's very true in many cases.. those choices are to get help, and start the treatment and crap now, or to die. because i'm absolutely not going to try to live with myself the way my body is now. i've thought about dying before.. it's not a happy thing. i don't want to die. but faced with living the rest of my life in this ugly shell... no. i refuse. i'm not struggling with my gender identity.. i'm struggling with the protocol and the people that i have to convince to give me what i need to survive. all i need is .. to be able to make people understand. but being that i'm kind of bad at putting things straight, especially when they're asking me very personal questions and i'm expected to tell him as if it's nothing.. it's really hard. he should expect people to tear up, get frustrated.. maybe digging one's nails into their head isn't really a healthy thing to do, but it gets the point accross in a hurry. if he gave me at least 10 more minutes...

hafoo.

with the information readingness.. i've looked through a -lot- of information. i pretty much know what i want. but .. when people ask me, "so.. what do you expect us to do..?" all my answer really is.. "i expect you to help me." "how do we help you?" "give me the stuff." "what stuff?" "the.. treatment.. stuff." "what..treatment..stuff?" and that's how the conversation goes. that's how i get frustrated with them. i need to have.. notes in front of me. "i need to have this unpronouncable stuff done to me, so that i can begin to function as a useful human product. or at least be the slightest bit pleased with myself, and not add to the suicide statistics, or be a waste of air and water."

as for giving other people information.. "here mom, read this huge pamphlet on how much of a freak your firstborn is. don't forget the huge letters at the top there.. on how you should be disappointed that i turned out to be this way, and that it's somehow all your fault." keep in mind, however, that i don't actually believe any of this is her fault, not until i can prove that she was taking those girly pill things of hers when i was born. but i really doubt she was. i really do love my mom.. because she's the only one i've got. i also despise her, because she's not very helpful, and is a little immature at times. but what mother doesn't seem that way at certain times? leaving that part and going with other people than her.. it's a little hard going around wearing this huge sign on my shoulders, declaring that i'm a freak, and that everone should treat me accordingly. i don't want to do that.. but apparently i have to, if i want to get any help. in order to have people notice me, i either have to be absolutely crazy, or i have to be the most outgoing person in the world, (because apparently being shy, painting my nails, crying, and liking shiny colorful things, is girly. -i- had no idea, i must be a complete idiot.) for people to lift a couple fingers and sign a freaking paper. so far, i've decided to select a few people each day that i know, tell them i have a birth defect, have them laugh at me for a bit, and tell other people. until the whole world knows, and my only hope for living a nice quiet life with my past behind me lies with kids who haven't heard it. until their parents tell them, and i'm living with stupid rumors and some true stuff that i don't want to remember forever.

ok, my brain is going all over, can you tell? i'm starting to jump around and make pictures that my fingers just aren't fast enough for.

i'm going now, before i get mad... i think it's pretty obvious that the thing i was worried about.. this whole appointment (which, by the way, i have to wait another two frigging months to redo) went to pot.

awwws, I'm so sorry about this. sorry about what you have to go through, sorry about... you feeling... alone, like a freak. you're neither and least of all waist of air or water. You're a wonderful person. So sweet and honest. you know what you want, that's good. Doctors just have to be sure about you having this problem. If you didn't have it and then just gave it and all they could be sued for malpractice.

You're the most wonderful being to walk this earth and I love you so much. It kind of hurts to see you writing about suicide but it's understandable that you have these thoughts and I know that I could never even begin to imagine wat it possibly could be for you. I just want you to know that I'll alway be here for you. you're not alone. I'll always be there for you. I love you.