Jump to content

Do you class cyber sex as cheating??...


cassandra

Recommended Posts

My bf and i have been together 7 nearly 8 months and for the whole duration hes been havin cyber sex (on cam) with a girl that I have felt threatend by.... He lied to me about her meeting him down at work and taking her to the beach after work... Last night I was drunk and had a feeling that something wasnt right so i snooped on his comp lookin at their msg archives and up to 7days ago they have been having cyber. I feel really hurt by this, Having kissed a work mate a few weeks ago and being followed everywhere at work by a workmate that my bf asked to do for him. I feel that he is a hypocrite considering this has been going on through our whole relationship. I feel robbed of something. The he came home from work sick in the hope that I was still here which I was, he even proposed to me last night saying he cant loose me...

 

 

someone help me i dunno what to do. we said to start a fresh but i feel so hurt.........

Link to comment

I think what he did is definitely classified as cheating, especially since it really isn't contained just to the computer.

 

He lied to me about her meeting him down at work and taking her to the beach after work

 

I hate to say it, but if sex in reality did not already happen between them, it probably was going to occur in the near future.

 

The he came home from work sick in the hope that I was still here which I was, he even proposed to me last night saying he cant loose me...

 

I hope you said no. He does not sound like "marriage material" to me. He has not really committed himself to you once during the whole relationship, if he's been cybering all along. If he could not be faithful once in 8 months, I doubt he'd be a good husband who could be faithful for a lifetime.

 

I think the cybersex is just as bad as meeting her too. I believe it 's cheating because it's something he was hiding from you, and that he lied about. He knew you would not approve of it (as most people wouldn't), and he did it anyways. Also, if he is with you, he should not be sharing sexual desires with other women. It's not like it was just a fantasy where he was looking at porn- he was talking to a REAL PERSON and even arranged to meet her in "real life".

 

I firmly believe that most people show you warning signs about their true colors very early on in a relationship. Right now he is waving huge regs flags in front of you which tell you he is a liar and cheater. If you ignore that, or try to simply forget it, I think you are only going to get hurt much worse by him in the future. (Especially if he learns that he can cheat and in essense pay no price for it, because you'll stay with him) You already stated that you felt "threatened" before by this girl he was cybering with- that's the first instance where you didn't listen to you instincts about him....and look what happened.

 

You need to trust your instincts. You can walk away now and still take your dignity with you. If I were in your shoes I would think 8 months is enough for this person to take out of my life, and I would not give him the chance to hurt me yet again...or another second of my time. Life is too short.

 

At the very least, please say no the that engagment. It may be flattering at first, but don't let him be-dazzle you with it. In my opinion, if you said yes- it would only be a matter of time before he'd be back to his old ways. This situation is a terrible foundation to build a marriage on. Getting married will not band-aid the problem, but will just make it harder to get out of the situation if he hurts you or cheats again. Right now you have the advantage of being able to walk away. I hope you do, you deserve much better. After 8 months- I don't think that is long enough for him to earn you giving him another chance. You don't have that much time invested in him- so why stick around for him? I think it would waste your time.

 

I really hope things get better for you and that you can find the strength to realize you are worth so much more, and that you should not tolerate this kind of treatment,

 

BellaDonna

Link to comment

Yes, cyber sex is definitely cheating and what you have lost is your self respect over what he's been doing. I wouldn't let anybody treat my like this and especially hate liars. It's super hard to find any trust after that and my best advice to you right now, is to take some time to do some very serious assessment of your relationship. Please don't jump into marriage and think it's going to fix a thing and in retrospect will more than likely be the worst mistake you'll ever make in your life. In most cases a cheater will alway's be a cheater and why would you think so lowely of yourself? I would never take less than the best because I'm worth it and hope you can feel that way too.

Don't settle for less, as you will be more than miserable and is such a waste of precious life! I wasted 9 of mine being married to the devil himself and can't get those years back, so think very carefully and take your time in this.

The right one is out there for you, so personally I'd send him packing. You can PM me if you like and we can talk more about it if you need someone to unload on.

 

Good Luck!, Lita~

 

God Grant Me The Serenity To Accept The People I Cannot Change, The Courage To Change The One I Can and The Wisdom To Know It's Me!

 

Quote: "A Day You Don't Learn Anything New Is A Day Wasted!"

 

Lita~

Link to comment

hard to speculate, but i wonder what his response would be if the tables were turned..

 

bottom line, you are hurt and distressed about this, and this is important information.. i think it's safe to say that it's cheating if what he is doing has crossed a boundary for you

 

i agree with Dgirllamius about talking to him..

 

be clear and specific about how much upset this has caused you.. if he deflects, defends, or tries to downplay your feelings, then, depending on what you can put up with, you may ask yourself whether the upset is worth being in this relationship..

 

good luck

Link to comment

Oh, you arn't going to like this, but its the truth.

 

If you really love somebody and are committed to them, you do NOT repeatedly have cyber sex with someone else. You do NOT lie about meeting up with anyone, especially someone you have had cyber with.

 

To make a long story short, he is in the wrong, he doesn't care about you, get out.

 

I know..I was in his position once. And I feel absolutely rotten about it these days.

Link to comment

The last bf I had liked to chat online.

 

He claimed it was only chat...however the women he was chatting with were women he found through an adult-oriented website. I found out the chat was just the prelude to cybersex. I also found out he had met some of them r/l, although I could never be certain what did (or didn't) transpire.

 

I left him because of that. To this day I am sure he will maintain I was making a big deal over nothing. Some people just want to have their cake and eat it, too. He's free to do that...but he's doing it without me around.

 

So, I guess that tells you how I viewed his "chat buddies."

Link to comment

Even if you don't "consider cybersex to be cheating" the most obvious thing that stands out to me is that HE MET HER IN REALITY AND TOOK HER TO BEACH AFTER WORK AND THEN LIED ABOUT IT.

 

This isn't just about cybersex anymore. (Though I find cybersex to be a huge problem too)

 

If it were me, the only talk I'd be having with him is the talk about the relationship being over and never wanitng to hear from him again.

Of course, you have to do what's best for you.

 

BellaDonna

Link to comment

Context is everything. Always so good to take a look at people's previous posts to see where their current situation has come about. I remember you now cassandra.

 

Cassandra, take a look at your own list of threads started, and pay particular attention to the ones you've started in regards to this guy.

 

This relationship isn't going to work out. But frankly, you already know that, don't you?

 

I think you need some personal counseling for your self esteem problems before you'll be able to deal with anything else.

Link to comment

I agree with the others in that it is cheating, just not in the prime form. Having cybersex is going elsewhere to fulfill his own sexual needs which is showing absolutely no respect to you. He is obviously lacking some satisfaction so he is turning elsewhere for it for some unknown reason... Do you know why he wouldn't have talked to you about this? Obviously there is something that needs to be rectified in your relationship... IMMEDIATELY!!! Cybersex is exactly that! SEX... except for the fact there is a computer between them... if he was there with her how sure would you be that he wouldn't take it any further?

Link to comment

Like the others, I consider it cheating. Some people don't. It's just a personal thing you have to decide. Obviously you are hurt by it. So maybe to you it is cheating. And he's not respecting your feelings.

 

Did you tell him that you found out everything you found out? I would be interested in what he says about that.

 

Chances are, if he cheated and lied before, he's going to continue it. Do not be his fool. If what he is doing hurts you, or makes you uncomfortable, then do not stay with him! Especially if it's not a one time thing. The hard thing about love is that you can't help who you fall in love with.. and sometimes you love someone who isn't good for you. But you can help who you allow yourself to be with.

 

You need to look out for yourself. You deserve to have what you want in a person. And trust me, that person is out there. Why waste your time with a guy who doesn't care enough about you?

Link to comment
  • 2 weeks later...

Amazing amount of posts on here. My own experience is I have cybered online numerous times but that hasnt lessened my love for my family any !! Only problem I faced with cyberring is anger and uncharitable words from several females when am not able to be online such as while am on travel or just plain unwell. Yes, my wife doesnt know about my cyber sex flings but she doesnt care anyway .. we just love each other like crazy.

Link to comment

I consider this cheating as he hid it from you. He knows if you had of known about it then you wouldn't be happy about it, thats why he hid it! Its just as bad as text cheating and normal in person cheating.. Im sorry this has happened to you, hope everything works out...

Link to comment

Ok just an update on how things are atm....

 

I opened the archive again and found out more. They kissed and felt eachother up back in Feb.. When I found that I was crushed. I went in to him said it was over. But scince then we've talked and are still together he knows I have no trust for him and will take sometime before he gets that back from me. Hes cut complete contact with her. Blocked her on msn, deleted her number and swears that if she contacts him that he will tell me. I've also had words with her telling her to stay away and well so far so good on both ends. I know in my heart that if he does it again then its over.

 

Things have been going good. Hes more affectionate with me. Hes like a new person. I said that to him. Doesnt mean I trust him or will anytime soon. But we wont give up on each other either so I guess time will now tell.

 

Thanks to everyone for the advice. I know that a few of you told me to leave him and I did think about it. But if he and i give up it will be because we dont love each other anymore. Who knew how hard this was gonna be.. I wonder if it would have been this hard just walking away.

 

Thanks again Cass

Link to comment
  • 7 months later...

Its cheating to me. But that does not matter, nor should it matter what anyone else on this board classifies it as. The only person it should matter to is you, and your man.

 

If you consider it cheating, and nobody else in the whole world does... but your bf is still with you... its still cheating. Tell him as much, and tell him he has two choices, pack up and leave or go no contact with this other girl and from here out behave like a saint. (one of the good ones)

Link to comment
  • 1 year later...

if you are hurt it IS cheating. why lie? why hide? get a new man!!!! why stay with someone that says "it means nothing"? it did mean something, lying, sneaking hiding hurt. theres 90million men out there and they make new ones every day!!! be happy with someone you can trust!!!

Link to comment

ps....this is a big one.... will he stop??? or just find someone new?? cheating this way can be an addiction!!! if you stay you will need pro. help mending ur trust. make sure you are ready if you commit and you think he has then find out he lied. sorry, been thru this myself.

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...