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abusive boyfriend on and off 5 years


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I dont know where to start and I could go on for weeks writing what I've been through with my current boyfriend. But first I must tell you that my dad physically and emotionally abused me around ages 11-14. I have a little sister that he has never abused at all, just me. He used to lock me in my room with a padlock (for so long I remember having to pee on the carpet in my closet) when I made my sister cry, and that was after he hit me.

 

My dad stopped abusing me around seventh grade, when he knew I was old enough to know it was wrong. I started my period in seventh grade and became depressed. I sought counseling for my childhood trauma but it's very difficult to get over something when nobody believes it happened or in my dad's case, would not admit to it.

 

During the years he abused me, I would say he had an alcohol problem and only hit me when he was intoxicated. I guess I will never know if he really doesn't remember(he did admit to "smacking me around sometimes") what he did to me that has scarred me for life or if he doesn't want to go through the family embarrassment. He has never hit my mom or my little sister, just me. Me and my little sister are four years apart. She has always been the princess and has always gotten away with everything. That should be obvious since my dad hit me and never her(although I would never want to see my little sister being abused anyways).

 

Anyways, about 2-3 years after my dad stopped hitting me, I meet my first boyfriend, have my first kiss, lose my virginity at age 15 1/2. He has a chronic lieing problem, he lies about the littlest thing to the biggest things. This has been going on for our whole relationship. Matter of fact, last time we broke up and started going out again he said his lieing days are over. Then not too long after that, I caught him in a lie after lie after lie.

 

Fast forward a few years(too much drama to list).....me and him broke up and got back together MANY times in that five year period. One reason I am staying with him is because I am (as far as I know) the only person he has had sex with. Also, we lost our virginity to each other and are each other's "first love" and we were highschool sweethearts.

 

 

Im sorry if this all seems jumbled around but my life has been jumbled around for so long, my thoughts and thinking processes are jumbled too. I think it was when I was 16 when he almost choked me to death. I know, I should of left then.....but I didn't, so the story continues. He has hit me, shoved me, pushed me, grabbed me, shook me, thrown me, scratched me, spit in my face, yelled at me, picked me up and dropped me countless times.....He is constantly putting me down, calling me names, making fun of me in front of his friends, constantly "joking" at my expense after I have asked him many times to stop, never listens to my opinion or he changes the subject when I start talking about something that is important to me, he has VERY controlling and possessive behaviors.

 

In highschool, he made me stop talking to and hanging out with all of my friends. To this date I have no friends. He accuses me about everyday. He can't get over the past, he is constantly living in the past. He is still accusing me of ex boyfriends even though I have no physical contact with them. He will accuse me of random people who look at me or walk by. BUT I do the same thing to him.

 

I am sick of being "pooped on", as I like to call it. So I think when I was about 18 I started fighting back. I have punched him in the face, scratched him, kicked him and yes, I have called him names back. But the thing is, he will keep on going and going with a fight until I fight back or get really upset and start crying. If I try to not let it bother me and brush it off, he will keep on going until I lash out back at him or start uncontrollably sobbing. I know he does it to try and control every move I make. Just last week, he raised his hand to hit or smack me because I wasnt playing the video game right. Then a day before he knew my neck was KILLING me cuz it was stiff and sore, he came in the room and out of nowhere shoved me, thereforeeee making my neck whip back unexpectedly.

 

Last week, I found some anorexic model calendar in his dads room and accused him of looking at it cuz stuff was moved around (his dad wasnt home the night before or that day) and when i found it he got enraged and grabbed my face/chin/throat 3 or 4 different times and pushed/shoved me onto the bed(thankfully). He threatened me saying "im gunna kick your butt."(he said other words that i cannot post here) The other day he threatened me again saying "im gunna punch you in the face." There are many, many other instances but I try to block out bad things so I tend to "forget" some bad experiences I've had.

 

Some of the reasons I am still with him; he has not cheated on me (that i know of but i dont think he is secure enough to do that), we have lots of memories and history together(I experienced many new things/places/people with him and it is SO hard to forget that HE was the one who introduced me to certain things/places/people)he has only had sex with me(that he has told me) and he buys me stuff although I have to clean his house in return. Another thing, when we have sex and I say it hurts he doesnt stop until he gets off. And then if he gets horny and wants sex but i dont want it, he gets really pissed at me and complains about it until he gets what he wants. He's like that with everything though. We are both extrememly jealous of each other but he is the only boyfriend who I have felt this jealousy so strong. I feel as if Im becoming more like him everyday, which I Think, is what he secretely wants. Another note, he has been addicted to pot since he was 13, smokes very heavily everyday since then and says he never wants to quit.

 

Everytime he abuses me and I ask why, he blames it on me because I usually accuse him of someone/something OR he says he needs nicotine/pot/sex. Yes I do accuse him but its because I want positive attention/love from him, and I have told him this many times. He is such a negative person about life in general and quite ignorant as well. He seems to only be happy with me when he gets what he wants (i.e. sex, going to the mall to check out girls, or if i buy him something) He likes to put on a show for his friends, he is extra nice and attentive to me when his friends are around, which is not that often. And then I react negatively because I notice he only does it when his friends are around.

 

I am VERY confused along with feeling trapped, scared and alone. I don't know what to do with my situation. I dont have any friends and I have no one else to talk to about it. I have vented some of my feelings and experiences with strangers online but thats about it. I stopped going to counseling when I was in senior year I think, after I got off Zoloft for the depression I had. But it has relapsed many times since then, I just dont want to be considered a failure by my family again. My family is all I got really and I don't wanna let them down anymore. I think I have Seasonal Affective Disorder(SAD) now and thats why I think I shouild move out of Maine, it might be good for me.

 

 

I am also afraid of what will happen if we break up since I dont have a car I am almost always home. I am afraid he will keep calling me and coming over my house if we break up and make it so much harder for me to let him go. I think I do love him and I think he does love me, which makes it sooo much harder to let go of him. He can be the sweetest cutest guy when the mood strikes him, which also makes it harder to let go of him. And when we break up and I date other people, I am constantly reminded of him and regrettably end up comparing my new boyfriend with the old one. I KNOW Im not supposed to do that but it is really hard for me not to do, I dont know why.

 

I dont like counseling because the last time I went there, they kept changing my counselor so as soon as I got to know one of them, they would move away and I would get another counselor. It takes me a long time to feel comfortable with someone and get to know them and open up to them......... thats another reason why it is too hard to break up with my bf. It's like this...my boyfriend is my only real and somewhat secure relationship, even if it is bad for my health.

 

I want advice and I want to hear other people's similar experiences....I have never met or talked to someone with a story like mine. I HAVE A HUGE FEAR OF BEING ALONE AND DIEING ALONE, so I guess I would rather be in an abusive relationship then none at all. Even though other guys want to date me right now, I am scared to start a new relationship. My abusive boyfriend is the only guy who has ever made me orgasm and I am afraid that it will take me a long time to get on that sex comfort level that I am at with my abusive boyfriend. It's like when we have sex it is the only time we really get along and seem to love each other.

 

It seems everytime I meet someone nice for a boyfriend, I automatically think I don't deserve him and he deserves better then a loser with emotional baggage like me and I end up pushing him away and/or ruining the relationship usually by going back to my current boyfriend because I think my body/mind are conditioned to his treatment and somehow he has gotten me to believe that that is all I deserve. He also tells me how no one else would ever put up with my crap and I tell him the same back, because it is true. I will be amazed if anyone can understand all the jibberjabber I just wrote.....I will be waiting here, confused, lost, scared, trapped, alone but searching for the right thing to do because I WANT TO BE HAPPY SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO BAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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I think you've forgotten, or never learned, that your own life and happiness, lay in your own hands. But, you must learn to love yourself and realize your own value first. A woman who cares about herself, doesn't stay with a man who beats her, instead she say's goodbye and looks for one who RESPECTS her. Loosing your virginity, to someone, is not a good enough reason to stay in a bad or dangerous relationship. Next time he hit's you, press charges. He needs to learn this behavior is unacceptable, but remember, when you hit him back, you are assulting him too. You're behavior is becoming as abusive as his. Do you want to live the rest of your life like this? Be careful you don't create ways of dealing, that you take into all future relationships.

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Where to begin, there are so many things...

 

Your childhood must have been very difficult for you. You were abused by your father, who treated your sister like a little Princess. I can see where your feelings of inadequacy stem from. Despite anything you've gone through in the past, you have to understand that you DO deserve to be happy, and you DO deserve someone who will treat you right. What you dont' deserve is the loser boyfriend you have now. He is the bottom of the barrel worst of the worst. You need to get away from him.

 

He is very manipulative and very controlling. He's done a good job of tearing you down emotionally to get you to stay with him. Despite that you can, and should, get away. You'll find someone better, someone new. There is another member of this forum (Hope75) who was in a very similar relationship for the same length of time, five years. She finally ended it, and now she is in a relationship with a great guy that she is happy with.

 

Having access to a car is the last reason you should stay with this guy. There are no good reasons to stay with him. He doesn't love you. He doesn't know what love is. He wouldn't know what love is if it kicking him in the * * *. If you go to the police and get a restraining order that will prevent him from coming to your house and harassing you. And if he does do that, you can call the police and get him arrested. They'll put him in jail. That's exactly where he deserves to be.

 

The fear of being alone is a big reason many people (women in particular) stay in bad relationships. I heard a psychologist on Oprah once say that the fear of being alone is actually worse than being alone itself. So that if you just got away from him and spent some time by yourself, you would realize it wasn't so bad.

 

I'm sure Hope75 and others who have gone through what you have (and they're out there! They've gotten over it and they're happy now - you can be too) will jump on here. In the meantime let me try and dig up more reading material for you...

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Here is a link to Hope75's story in another thread. The original poster of that thread is also in a similar sitation to you, and all the advice she was given applies to you. You should end this immediately! Don't wait for him to hit you again. The next time he hits you again could be the last. You said it yourself that the first time he almost killed you was four years ago. Who's to say he wont kill you the next time he's in a rage. Are you willing to take that risk?

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Hi Trapped,

 

Welcome to enotalone. I am so glad you decided to post here. You have friends here already.

 

I was just reading this thread and saw that someguy mentioned my story, and I am glad he did, because I wanted to share it with you. I was where you are once too.

 

( I copy and pasted alot of this from the link that someguy sent you- it's a long story!)

 

I lived with and was engaged to a man who abused me for 5 years.

 

He didn't start out that way. At first he was sweet, charming, attentive. Sure, he had a little jealousy of my male friends (so after awhile he made such a stink about me hanging out with them that I stopped) and h was worried about where I was when I didnt' call and check in alot, but I thought it was sweet of him to worry.

 

About a year after we got together, he got rough with me. It started small, he'd grab my arm and yank me when he was trying to get my attention or if we were arguing. He'd throw something at the wall, or punch the wall. He'd yell and call me awful names. I was scared by it- but I thought if I just loved him enough he would see that and change. I thought, "this isn't the person I fell in love with- he's in there somewhere, it must be my fault he's acting this way, I'm provoking him."

 

Gradually things began to get worse. He'd come home drunk, and take a swing at me, he'd slap me, punch me, hold me there while he slammed my arms and legs in the door, and choke me. He also raped me. Whenever I asked him why, he always told me I "made him do it", I "got him angry" and he "had no other way to show how much I upset him". After awhile, I started to believe it myself.

 

I was so afraid, and like you I knew it was wrong, but I could not summon the strength to leave him. I was so exhuasted just surviving day to day, that I could not imagine leaving him and starting a new life. He was all I knew, we were together and living together since I was 17 years old. As far as I knew, he had not cheated on me, and at times he could be so sweet and loving. I, like you, was so afraid to be alone. I felt that at least his patterns of abuse were familiar, and that it was better to know what was coming, even if it was bad, than to not know.

 

My friends, my sister, and even my boss at the time all gave me a hard time and pushed me to leave my ex. My parents were afraid to say anything, they thought it they did I would not come to them when I was ready.

 

I heard them, but I wasn't ready. I let it go on and on, I left him for a day and went back home the next. My dad would pick me up at the hospital (in the middle of the night sometimes...) and I'd go back to my ex the next day. My ex got arrested (twice) and I let him back in the house both times. I was so thick and stubborn- but I honestly did hear what others were saying, I just wasn't ready to accept it and take action.

 

One night he came home completely trashed. He started throwing me around and he was enraged, looking for something he swore I had hidden (marijuana). I was cowered against the door to our bedroom, which was a cheaply made hollow door. He picked up a bowling ball and looked at me and I did not recognize his face- he was so angry. He said "duck" in this cold voice and hurled it at my head. It crashed right by me and went through the door, less than 3" from my head. I came within 3" of being buried by my parents, at age 22.

 

So one day I saw a talk show on TV, Montel I think. Women were on there who had been abused by their partners or former partners and almost died. One women was doused in kerosene and lit on fire- she had horrible burn scars. Her face looked like a melted candle. Another had been beaten with a pipe or a metal bat by her husband and was left paralyzed. This was shortly after my ex missed my head with the bowling ball. It hit me then that it could have been me in that wheelchair, or my parents burying me.

 

That weekend I got 15 or so of my closet friends, my dad, brother, sister, everyone. They brought trucks and vans and cars. my ex was working a long shift a a new job he had gotten (his 20th or so job since we had lived together, 5 years. He had a major problem with authority.. My friends and I threw my stuff in trash bags, boxed up my two cats and leashed up my two dogs, and in 7 or so hours I was out. I still remember when I called my dad and asked if I could come home, and he, whom I have heard cry maybe twice in my life, started crying and said yes. It makes me cry to think about that.

 

It didn't end there- my ex overdosed that night when he got home and found me gone and was taken by ambulance to the ER. My upstairs neighbor called me about it. I almost went to the hospital, but I knew I would just take him back. I called though, and they told me he was alive, and that was all they could say. After he came home he harassed me and my new bf who I started seeing a little while after- I had to get a restraining order. He eventually gave up though.

 

I just remember when I left him it was like "waking up" from a coma, everything everyone had said came back to me, and I was so in shock that I had stayed... I couldn't get out of there fast enough.

 

It's sad, 8 years later I keep in touch with a mutual friend via email and my ex is married with a little girl and he has beaten his wife several times badly enough for her to be hospitalized and his friends even staged an intervention, to no avail. I weep for them.

 

 

Trapped, I want to tell you something very important. Being alone is NOT a bad thing. Starting over seems so scary, believe me I know. I was scared too. I built it up in my mind as beinig terrifying as a way to justify staying with him. When I did leave, it ended being one of the best things I ever did. Being alone turned out to be EASY compared to being with him.

 

I am here and alive today because I left him and I had to get a restraining order too. I now have gone back to college for the second time since leaving him and am getting straight A's in school. I live with my present bf of 3 1/2 years and he treats me so wonderfully, I am truly blessed.

 

If you want to PM me to talk, please do anytime.

 

I am glad you came here.

 

Hope

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I've been abused too babe and walked out after 7 years of hell. I'm 23 now! You have the power to change your life and get out.

 

You will not be alone. Tell your friends, and go to any counselor you can. You really need to talk to someone. You've been very brainwashed and the only way to get out of that is to find counseling.

 

I suffered for 7 years with someone who abused me physically, emotionally and sexually. I can promise you that no matter what you say or do, he will never change. I can also assure you that the two of you don't love one another, you are just addicted to the highs and lows associated with the relationship.

 

Read the loser article mentioned in this thread. I promise you that you can walk out of this and be alright. You just have to be strong, and not give up.

 

It can be done. If I did it all by myself, you can too

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OK I did read the loser article and it does sound like my boyfriend sooo much. Wow 7 years...I have had it already and its been 5 years, but on and off so it wasnt fully intense for 5 years straight. The problem is, I DON'T have any friends but I guess I could try making some!!! I will go to counseling if I really need it but its expensive and I want to see if I can handle this by myself(in a sense)! i really do feel brainwashed as well. AND I have never heard someone say it in that way about us not really loving each other and just being addicted to the highs and lows associated with the relationship. That makes a LOT of sense to me and now I know for sure, after reading the loser article and reading everybody's posts, that I dont really love him. Thank you for your support and advice!!

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THANK YOU HOPE!! I feel welcome here Wow I read your story completely, it is amazing and inspiring to me!! Thank you for sharing! I guess I will just have to wait and see how being alone really is compared to being with my abusive boyfriend. I have another comment to make about my situation: today my boyfriend's friend called him and told him that I have been talking to someone about my problems. This is true because I have nobody to talk to , no friends and I dont want to get my family involved. He FLIPPED OUT that I was telling other people/strangers what he does to me. I told him that I need people to talk to about my problems. I can't talk to him about my problems I have with him! But he doesnt understand or probably care what I feel or think. Would you be able to read my posting again and answer or give advice on some other parts of my post? People seemed to skip over a lot of parts from it and I wrote it because I wanted advice on everything!!!! Thank you and take care Hope!!!

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Here is a link to Hope75's story in another thread. The original poster of that thread is also in a similar sitation to you, and all the advice she was given applies to you. You should end this immediately! Don't wait for him to hit you again. The next time he hits you again could be the last. You said it yourself that the first time he almost killed you was four years ago. Who's to say he wont kill you the next time he's in a rage. Are you willing to take that risk?

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR INFORMATION!!! It has really helped me sort through my thoughts and emotions a little easier! The loser article and Hope's post!! Yes he did almost kill me four years ago when I was in junior year of highschool, but it possible could of been in senior year too. So 3-4 years ago...not too long. No Im not willing to take the risk of getting killed or turned into a vegetable. Could you read my post again and answer some of the questions or give advice on some of the things that nobody responded to? Thank you again and take care!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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I think you've forgotten, or never learned, that your own life and happiness, lay in your own hands. But, you must learn to love yourself and realize your own value first. A woman who cares about herself, doesn't stay with a man who beats her, instead she say's goodbye and looks for one who RESPECTS her. Loosing your virginity, to someone, is not a good enough reason to stay in a bad or dangerous relationship. Next time he hit's you, press charges. He needs to learn this behavior is unacceptable, but remember, when you hit him back, you are assulting him too. You're behavior is becoming as abusive as his. Do you want to live the rest of your life like this? Be careful you don't create ways of dealing, that you take into all future relationships.

Hello! Thank you for your advice and words of wisdom. I have learned and I will remember. Take care and feel free to re-read my post and offer some more advice!!!!

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THANK YOU SO MUCH for your wise words and thoughtful kind honest advice!!!! I understand all you wrote and I would like to learn and hear more of what you have to say. Take care wonderful "someguy"!

 

Maybe I should change my name to "some_wonderful_guy"?

 

Glad I can be of service to you. But if you really, really, really want to thank me what you can do is get out of this terrible situation you are in and tell me all about it sooner rather than later.

 

There must be someone you can turn to for help. Mother?

 

I did a quick google search for abusive relationships in Maine and I came up with link removed If you do some looking I'm sure you can find something else. Those people can probably give you some great advice.

 

The restraining order is a must. If he has keys to your place, change the locks. Anything he owns that is in your house, pack it up and bring it to one of his friend's houses so they can give it to him. And be prepared for him to beg. When he sees you are actually leaving him, he'll break down in tears like a little baby, get down on his knees, make promise after promise that he will change because he loves you sooooo much, buy you flowers, write you poetry...DON'T FALL FOR IT.

 

It's all a manipulative trick to get you to stay with him, and if you do it will be back to the same old same old in no time.

 

Good luck and keep us updated.

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You know what? When I walked I had one friend in the world, and one I hadn't talked to in probably a year. I just called her up one day and resumed a relationship with her. Your old friends are still your friends if you contact them and try to talk. You''ll need support when you get out of this.

 

I assure you what someguy says is correct too. The moment you leave he will temporarily 'change'. If you go back, you have lost control again and he will be the same (and much worse) within about 2 weeks. I did it too, went back to the promises. Man it was MUCh harder to walk the second time.

 

Did you know the average abused woman leaves and gets back with her abuser up to 7 times? That's how manipulative these jerks are. I guarantee you can't change who someone is inside. They just put on a show. They are very good at it.

 

Honestly I realize you are 'used' to your situation. But life doesn't have to be like that. That is what I asked myself over and over...the answer is no it doesn't.

 

You can get out. Make a plan. When I left, I had no one but my friend. My family wasn't there. You need help, but you can do it.

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Hi Trapped.

 

Well, I read over your post again and saw some of the reasons you stay with this man.

 

He is the only person you have slept with and visa versa. That is just not a justifiable reason to stay with someone who hurts you the way he does. Love and respect manifests itself in so many other ways, and every other thing he does to you shows me that he does not love or respect you, or he would ever do those things to you.

 

You don't have a car so you fear being at home. Where do you live? Do you live with parents? Family or friends? First things first, you need to go to the police and get a restraining order. The only criteria you need is that he is a former intimate dating partner, and that you fear for your safety. You can even get a police escort to break it off with him- but whatever you do DO NOT GO ALONE.

 

If you do not live with anyone, AFTER YOU FILE THE RESTRAINING ORDER WHICH SHOULD BE DONE IMMEDIATELY, stay with a friend for a little while, a few weeks, a month, long enough to let him cool down. EVERYTIME he contacts you in ANY WAY, email, text, voicemail, bring it down to the police station. Keep a record of every contact he attempts. If you see him, call the police. Keep pestering them every time he tries to come near you or contact you. If he tries to call, do not answer. Save the messages, emails, texts, and bring them to the police.

 

These things are mostly excuses because you are scared of being alone, scared of an unpredictable life. Let me tell you something. This man is DANGEROUS. If you do not leave him, he will eventually kill you. Being single is DIFFERENT, it takes a little while to get used to. BUT, it is NOT something to be afraid of. You will NOT be ALONE. You have family and you have us, and you can make new friends and call your old friends that you lost in the course of this relationship. You'd be surprised how happy they will be to hear from you again.

 

Trust me on this one- it's something I know alot about.

 

((HUGS))

 

Hope

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Hi Hope, You misunderstood. I have tried leaving him in the past for other boys, but that never worked because I ended up back with him a few weeks or months later. HE is the one who has only slept with one person, ME. And I respect that, how many people do you know who only slept with one person at age 21? Yes I live with my parents, so I should have them for support at least! He has been in trouble with the law for the past month or two, so he might be going to jail anyways. But I need to know if I should pursue this relationship and keep trying to improve it the best way I know how!?

Yeah and your right, every other thing he does shows me he does not love or respect me. But every other thing in between that, it shows me that he does love me. VERY confusing!!! We were going to break up on Sunday, but he pleaded and promised me things. He promised once he got the money he was going to buy me a huge diamond ring and marry me. He promised to never abuse me again. blah blah blah..........Ive heard it all before but he SEEMS to be so sincere and honest about it. I think I am brainwashed I know all about the whole restraining order stuff, but thank you for your wise words!!! Yes you are right I AM afraid of being alone and starting over. Thank you and take care everybody!!!!!!!!!!!!

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I think I am brainwashed

 

I think you are right.

 

Hoping that maybe he will be going to jail for something unrelated isn't enough. You need to take it upon yourself to do something to end this if you really want to move on.

 

The promises and all the nice things he says when you are talking about breaking up is all typical. Remember the Loser article? It's all part of the mean/sweet cycle. He'll say ANYTHING to get you to stay with him. WORDS ARE CHEAP. If he really wanted to change and treat you the way you should be treated he would have done it years ago. He is lying to you. He is manipulating you, and he's very good at it.

 

Even if he did get you a nice diamond ring, the finger you should give him would be the middle finger, not the ring finger. Honestly, marry him? Is this really the kind of guy you want to spend the rest of your life with? You've spent five bad years with him so far. You're 20 years old. You'll live another 40 years at least....

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Hi Trapped.

 

every other thing he does shows me he does not love or respect me. But every other thing in between that, it shows me that he does love me. VERY confusing!!!

 

 

See honey, the thing about this is that someone who loves and respects you NEVER treats you the way that he has. They NEVER hit you, push you, yell at you, make you feel afraid for your safety. Yes, at times you are seeing a side of him that keeps you around, hoping that eventually that is all that you will see, but it just doesn't work that way. What you see is who he is. He is NOT showing you that he loves you, or respects you. Someone who loves you is not nice SOME OF THE TIME, and violent and cruel other times.

 

HE is the one who has only slept with one person, ME. And I respect that, how many people do you know who only slept with one person at age 21?

 

I know a dozen or more people who had only had one partner by age 21. I am wondering, though, why you think this makes it acceptable what he does to you? Why this is a good reason to stay with someone who makes you feel afraid and hurts you?

 

We were going to break up on Sunday, but he pleaded and promised me things. He promised once he got the money he was going to buy me a huge diamond ring and marry me. He promised to never abuse me again. blah blah blah..........Ive heard it all before but he SEEMS to be so sincere and honest about it.

 

This is the pattern, have you noticed? My ex did this to me too. He even bought me a diamond. Every time he hurt me, he promised afterwards that it would never happen again. Every time it did. Trapped, words are so easy to say, aren't they? He's promised you this before, many times. Actions are what you need to look at, that's where his real intention lies. He has NOT stopped hurting you. He knows that he can do whatever he wants to you, because every time, all he has to do is beg and cry and plead and promise you things and you will take him back. By this you show him that you accept what he does to you, and that it's OK to treat you this way. That isn't going to change.

 

Do your parents have a clue what's going on? Do they know what he has done to you, or that he is in trouble with the law? I have a suspicion if you tell them, they will back you 100% to leave him.

 

I do NOT think you should stay with this man. There are things that are just deal breakers in a relationship and repeated abuse like this is a definite deal breaker.

 

Think long and hard about this. Do you want your parents to bury you?

 

My parents came within 3" of burying me. My dad cried when I called him and asked to come home. Your parents will bury you if you do not leave him. Please don't under estimate the seriousness of this.

 

I know this may sound harsh, and I hope you don't think I am being too severe with you. I care very much what happens to you.

 

Hope

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And I respect that, how many people do you know who only slept with one person at age 21?

 

I'm 24 and I've only ever slept with one woman - my girlfriend of five years. This time next month we'll be engaged.

 

I've never called her names even when we have disagreements. I say disagreements because we never argue. I've never pushed her or hit her or tried to intentionally hurt her in anyway. I put her safety and well being above my own, because I love her. As in actually love her, as opposed to just saying that I love her and treating her like trash...

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Hi Trapped.

 

See honey, the thing about this is that someone who loves and respects you NEVER treats you the way that he has. They NEVER hit you, push you, yell at you, make you feel afraid for your safety. Yes, at times you are seeing a side of him that keeps you around, hoping that eventually that is all that you will see, but it just doesn't work that way. What you see is who he is. He is NOT showing you that he loves you, or respects you. Someone who loves you is not nice SOME OF THE TIME, and violent and cruel other times.

Ok I understand that but Do you know why my boyfriend would stick around and wait for me when I went out with other people in the past? He said he knew I would come back eventually and wanted to wait for me, pledging not to get involved with any other female. Okay Im thinking about everything your saying and it is making sense to me!

 

I know a dozen or more people who had only had one partner by age 21. I am wondering, though, why you think this makes it acceptable what he does to you? Why this is a good reason to stay with someone who makes you feel afraid and hurts you?

I never thought if it that way....it isn't a good reason. But most of the guys who hit on me end up being players that sleep around a lot or have slept around a lot in the past.....and I dont know how to tell the difference between them and people i wanna meet that havent had a lot of sex partners. Do you ??Im just afraid of never finding the man I want.

 

 

This is the pattern, have you noticed? My ex did this to me too. He even bought me a diamond. Every time he hurt me, he promised afterwards that it would never happen again. Every time it did. Trapped, words are so easy to say, aren't they? He's promised you this before, many times. Actions are what you need to look at, that's where his real intention lies. He has NOT stopped hurting you. He knows that he can do whatever he wants to you, because every time, all he has to do is beg and cry and plead and promise you things and you will take him back. By this you show him that you accept what he does to you, and that it's OK to treat you this way. That isn't going to change.

Yes I am starting to notice the more stories I hear and advice I receive. Yes words are so easy to say. True, actions are supposed to speak louder then words but I forgot.....Yes he does seem to know that he can do whatever he wants....He orders me around like his own personal servant..BUT he does say please and thank you if he remembers or if I remind him. Since I dont have a car and he has to pick me up in his car, he thinks I "owe him" so he makes me do lots of chores for him and his dad's house(no women lives there so u can imagine how dirty it is)....such as dishes, cleaning up after the dog, dusting, cleaning, sweeping(no vacuum), cleaning the bathroom and other little stuff that adds up and sticks out as demands to me.

 

Do your parents have a clue what's going on? Do they know what he has done to you, or that he is in trouble with the law? I have a suspicion if you tell them, they will back you 100% to leave him. I do NOT think you should stay with this man. There are things that are just deal breakers in a relationship and repeated abuse like this is a definite deal breaker.Think long and hard about this. Do you want your parents to bury you?My parents came within 3" of burying me. My dad cried when I called him and asked to come home. Your parents will bury you if you do not leave him. Please don't under estimate the seriousness of this.I know this may sound harsh, and I hope you don't think I am being too severe with you. I care very much what happens to you. Hope

Yes my parents have a clue whats going on but they're letting me deal with it and get it settled by myself, since I am 20, turning 21 at the end of June this year! Yes they know he's in trouble with the law and what for, they dont care because its "his problem." I think I have told them about my boyfriends abuse when me and my boyfriend have broken up before....but I think thats it. They told me not to go back out with him....but I was stupid and gave him one more chance And now Im suffering because of giving someone else another chance. Well it was my choice and I will take responsibility for it. NO of course I dont want my parents to bury me....but thank you for the reality check!!! Take care and feel free to write back!! Thank you all.

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I'm 24 and I've only ever slept with one woman - my girlfriend of five years. This time next month we'll be engaged.

 

I've never called her names even when we have disagreements. I say disagreements because we never argue. I've never pushed her or hit her or tried to intentionally hurt her in anyway. I put her safety and well being above my own, because I love her. As in actually love her, as opposed to just saying that I love her and treating her like trash...

Well then you are special and rare...but I could already tell that when you replied to my post asking for advice Do you have it all planned out when to propose to her? Is that why you said "this time next month we'll be engaged"? She is VERY VERY VERY lucky and fortunate and blessed to have a man like you as a boyfriend/future husband. She must be a goddess or a princess haha!! Yeah Yeah I get what your trying to say! thanks again some wonderful guy!!

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just a semi-short one to add my support for you, TSA. i'm not going to say that he will definitely kill you, and i'm not going to say that he won't really believe that he will change when he cries and brings you flowers.

 

however...

 

not only are you in real danger, but even one bruise is unacceptable and illegal in civilized countries, and a large percentage of abusers do not stop until they are old and gray or locked up. so just in case you find yourself wondering tomorrow if a restraining order is a hassle and maybe you should let it slide, let me pose this question to you: how would you feel if it was your (future) daughter being assaulted like that? (sorry if somebody already said that and i missed it--it's kind of a no-brainer)

 

-your friend slightlybent

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just a semi-short one to add my support for you, TSA. i'm not going to say that he will definitely kill you, and i'm not going to say that he won't really believe that he will change when he cries and brings you flowers.

 

however...

 

not only are you in real danger, but even one bruise is unacceptable and illegal in civilized countries, and a large percentage of abusers do not stop until they are old and gray or locked up. so just in case you find yourself wondering tomorrow if a restraining order is a hassle and maybe you should let it slide, let me pose this question to you: how would you feel if it was your (future) daughter being assaulted like that? (sorry if somebody already said that and i missed it--it's kind of a no-brainer)

 

-your friend slightlybent

 

I dont remember him bruising me significantly, but I bruise easily anyways so it's hard to tell, ya know? Nope nobody said the future daughter being assaulted line to me! That's a different way of looking at it! My boyfriend did almost choke me to death when I was 16 years old. And I am 20 years old now. He hasnt done anything life threatening since then. I dont think he would kill me. I cried today thinking about getting a restraining order against him and getting him in trouble. What's wrong with me???

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