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Thread: abusive boyfriend on and off 5 years

  1. #11
    Member TrappedScaredAlone's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by evy38
    I think you've forgotten, or never learned, that your own life and happiness, lay in your own hands. But, you must learn to love yourself and realize your own value first. A woman who cares about herself, doesn't stay with a man who beats her, instead she say's goodbye and looks for one who RESPECTS her. Loosing your virginity, to someone, is not a good enough reason to stay in a bad or dangerous relationship. Next time he hit's you, press charges. He needs to learn this behavior is unacceptable, but remember, when you hit him back, you are assulting him too. You're behavior is becoming as abusive as his. Do you want to live the rest of your life like this? Be careful you don't create ways of dealing, that you take into all future relationships.
    Hello! Thank you for your advice and words of wisdom. I have learned and I will remember. Take care and feel free to re-read my post and offer some more advice!!!!

  2. #12
    Member TrappedScaredAlone's Avatar
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    THANK YOU SO MUCH for your wise words and thoughtful kind honest advice!!!! I understand all you wrote and I would like to learn and hear more of what you have to say. Take care wonderful "someguy"!

  3. #13
    Bronze Member RandomAdvisor's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by TrappedScaredAlone
    THANK YOU SO MUCH for your wise words and thoughtful kind honest advice!!!! I understand all you wrote and I would like to learn and hear more of what you have to say. Take care wonderful "someguy"!
    Maybe I should change my name to "some_wonderful_guy"?

    Glad I can be of service to you. But if you really, really, really want to thank me what you can do is get out of this terrible situation you are in and tell me all about it sooner rather than later.

    There must be someone you can turn to for help. Mother?

    I did a quick google search for abusive relationships in Maine and I came up with link removed If you do some looking I'm sure you can find something else. Those people can probably give you some great advice.

    The restraining order is a must. If he has keys to your place, change the locks. Anything he owns that is in your house, pack it up and bring it to one of his friend's houses so they can give it to him. And be prepared for him to beg. When he sees you are actually leaving him, he'll break down in tears like a little baby, get down on his knees, make promise after promise that he will change because he loves you sooooo much, buy you flowers, write you poetry...DON'T FALL FOR IT.

    It's all a manipulative trick to get you to stay with him, and if you do it will be back to the same old same old in no time.

    Good luck and keep us updated.

  4. #14
    Gold Member Beyondthesea's Avatar
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    You know what? When I walked I had one friend in the world, and one I hadn't talked to in probably a year. I just called her up one day and resumed a relationship with her. Your old friends are still your friends if you contact them and try to talk. You''ll need support when you get out of this.

    I assure you what someguy says is correct too. The moment you leave he will temporarily 'change'. If you go back, you have lost control again and he will be the same (and much worse) within about 2 weeks. I did it too, went back to the promises. Man it was MUCh harder to walk the second time.

    Did you know the average abused woman leaves and gets back with her abuser up to 7 times? That's how manipulative these jerks are. I guarantee you can't change who someone is inside. They just put on a show. They are very good at it.

    Honestly I realize you are 'used' to your situation. But life doesn't have to be like that. That is what I asked myself over and over...the answer is no it doesn't.

    You can get out. Make a plan. When I left, I had no one but my friend. My family wasn't there. You need help, but you can do it.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member Hope75's Avatar
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    Hi Trapped.

    Well, I read over your post again and saw some of the reasons you stay with this man.

    He is the only person you have slept with and visa versa. That is just not a justifiable reason to stay with someone who hurts you the way he does. Love and respect manifests itself in so many other ways, and every other thing he does to you shows me that he does not love or respect you, or he would ever do those things to you.

    You don't have a car so you fear being at home. Where do you live? Do you live with parents? Family or friends? First things first, you need to go to the police and get a restraining order. The only criteria you need is that he is a former intimate dating partner, and that you fear for your safety. You can even get a police escort to break it off with him- but whatever you do DO NOT GO ALONE.

    If you do not live with anyone, AFTER YOU FILE THE RESTRAINING ORDER WHICH SHOULD BE DONE IMMEDIATELY, stay with a friend for a little while, a few weeks, a month, long enough to let him cool down. EVERYTIME he contacts you in ANY WAY, email, text, voicemail, bring it down to the police station. Keep a record of every contact he attempts. If you see him, call the police. Keep pestering them every time he tries to come near you or contact you. If he tries to call, do not answer. Save the messages, emails, texts, and bring them to the police.

    These things are mostly excuses because you are scared of being alone, scared of an unpredictable life. Let me tell you something. This man is DANGEROUS. If you do not leave him, he will eventually kill you. Being single is DIFFERENT, it takes a little while to get used to. BUT, it is NOT something to be afraid of. You will NOT be ALONE. You have family and you have us, and you can make new friends and call your old friends that you lost in the course of this relationship. You'd be surprised how happy they will be to hear from you again.

    Trust me on this one- it's something I know alot about.

    ((HUGS))

    Hope

  7. #16
    Member TrappedScaredAlone's Avatar
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    Hi Hope, You misunderstood. I have tried leaving him in the past for other boys, but that never worked because I ended up back with him a few weeks or months later. HE is the one who has only slept with one person, ME. And I respect that, how many people do you know who only slept with one person at age 21? Yes I live with my parents, so I should have them for support at least! He has been in trouble with the law for the past month or two, so he might be going to jail anyways. But I need to know if I should pursue this relationship and keep trying to improve it the best way I know how!?
    Yeah and your right, every other thing he does shows me he does not love or respect me. But every other thing in between that, it shows me that he does love me. VERY confusing!!! We were going to break up on Sunday, but he pleaded and promised me things. He promised once he got the money he was going to buy me a huge diamond ring and marry me. He promised to never abuse me again. blah blah blah..........Ive heard it all before but he SEEMS to be so sincere and honest about it. I think I am brainwashed I know all about the whole restraining order stuff, but thank you for your wise words!!! Yes you are right I AM afraid of being alone and starting over. Thank you and take care everybody!!!!!!!!!!!!

  8. #17
    Bronze Member RandomAdvisor's Avatar
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    [QUOTE=TrappedScaredAlone]I think I am brainwashed

    I think you are right.

    Hoping that maybe he will be going to jail for something unrelated isn't enough. You need to take it upon yourself to do something to end this if you really want to move on.

    The promises and all the nice things he says when you are talking about breaking up is all typical. Remember the Loser article? It's all part of the mean/sweet cycle. He'll say ANYTHING to get you to stay with him. WORDS ARE CHEAP. If he really wanted to change and treat you the way you should be treated he would have done it years ago. He is lying to you. He is manipulating you, and he's very good at it.

    Even if he did get you a nice diamond ring, the finger you should give him would be the middle finger, not the ring finger. Honestly, marry him? Is this really the kind of guy you want to spend the rest of your life with? You've spent five bad years with him so far. You're 20 years old. You'll live another 40 years at least....

  9. #18
    Platinum Member Hope75's Avatar
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    Hi Trapped.

    every other thing he does shows me he does not love or respect me. But every other thing in between that, it shows me that he does love me. VERY confusing!!!

    See honey, the thing about this is that someone who loves and respects you NEVER treats you the way that he has. They NEVER hit you, push you, yell at you, make you feel afraid for your safety. Yes, at times you are seeing a side of him that keeps you around, hoping that eventually that is all that you will see, but it just doesn't work that way. What you see is who he is. He is NOT showing you that he loves you, or respects you. Someone who loves you is not nice SOME OF THE TIME, and violent and cruel other times.

    HE is the one who has only slept with one person, ME. And I respect that, how many people do you know who only slept with one person at age 21?
    I know a dozen or more people who had only had one partner by age 21. I am wondering, though, why you think this makes it acceptable what he does to you? Why this is a good reason to stay with someone who makes you feel afraid and hurts you?

    We were going to break up on Sunday, but he pleaded and promised me things. He promised once he got the money he was going to buy me a huge diamond ring and marry me. He promised to never abuse me again. blah blah blah..........Ive heard it all before but he SEEMS to be so sincere and honest about it.
    This is the pattern, have you noticed? My ex did this to me too. He even bought me a diamond. Every time he hurt me, he promised afterwards that it would never happen again. Every time it did. Trapped, words are so easy to say, aren't they? He's promised you this before, many times. Actions are what you need to look at, that's where his real intention lies. He has NOT stopped hurting you. He knows that he can do whatever he wants to you, because every time, all he has to do is beg and cry and plead and promise you things and you will take him back. By this you show him that you accept what he does to you, and that it's OK to treat you this way. That isn't going to change.

    Do your parents have a clue what's going on? Do they know what he has done to you, or that he is in trouble with the law? I have a suspicion if you tell them, they will back you 100% to leave him.

    I do NOT think you should stay with this man. There are things that are just deal breakers in a relationship and repeated abuse like this is a definite deal breaker.

    Think long and hard about this. Do you want your parents to bury you?

    My parents came within 3" of burying me. My dad cried when I called him and asked to come home. Your parents will bury you if you do not leave him. Please don't under estimate the seriousness of this.

    I know this may sound harsh, and I hope you don't think I am being too severe with you. I care very much what happens to you.

    Hope

  10. #19
    Bronze Member RandomAdvisor's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by TrappedScaredAlone
    And I respect that, how many people do you know who only slept with one person at age 21?
    I'm 24 and I've only ever slept with one woman - my girlfriend of five years. This time next month we'll be engaged.

    I've never called her names even when we have disagreements. I say disagreements because we never argue. I've never pushed her or hit her or tried to intentionally hurt her in anyway. I put her safety and well being above my own, because I love her. As in actually love her, as opposed to just saying that I love her and treating her like trash...

  11. #20
    Member TrappedScaredAlone's Avatar
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    Yes I remember the loser article! No this is not the kind of guy I want to spend the rest of my life with.......Just really wondering if this is all I deserve or the best I will ever find???

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