This has been something on my mind for so long. It's brought me to tears so many times-- today included.
Simply put: I don't feel as though my parents raised me right.
Maybe I wasn't raised right for ME? I don't think it's me in general... I really just don't.
I feel like my relatives see it, too. Somehow, seen in their comments. Not on me, but my family in general. We are normal people-- not psycho and dysfunctional. Not REALLY dysfunctional-- we could get along one hell of a lot better than we do, but we do get along. We live in a nice house, a nice quiet neighborhood.
I'm not understanding this. I've seen, met, and known people who have been so sheltered. Far more than me. But they are not living in a shell around their parents as I am. I feel, and know, that I can't say certain words around them, or show that I know about this thing or that thing. I don't "want" to swear (I do, and try to be "myself" outside of the home, but my life and everything is just too heavily influenced by how I've been raised and living in here in general), I mean whatever, but the best example I can give is that I don't feel comfortable with them even hearing the word "hell" come from my mouth. (again-- not about swearing, but just as an example) So these people I've known and friends and all of that, so much more sheltered, but so much more open. Like they've taken their parents along for this wild ride but they're so comfortable doing it. I'm talking about much bigger things, too. But here's just an example of things not being able to be said. (both 'physically' and comfortably')
I feel as though I have been so sheltered from everything. Could never go anywhere when I was younger... couldn't go to the library with friends, and if a boy was there forget it-- I couldn't EVER let them know. Not because they'd get mad, or maybe they would. But they raised me in such a way that I felt like I couldn't, like I was too embarrassed.
They kept alcohol out of my sight, which I'm not saying is a bad thing, but I was so sheltered from that, and was made to think it was such a horrible thing. I was so confused to see that my boyfriend's parents and aunt got alcoholic beverages when I went out to dinner with them. I was so confused. People did this? Then I started noticing it around in restaurants at other tables-- parent's getting drinks and their kids right there. Things like that.
And another one which is still going on are "put downs," which aren't really put downs at the same time. But it's like so many things I've liked are stupid, tacky, and things like that. My mother will raise her upper lip and say in a nasal voice "are you sure?" to SO many things. And we're not snooty people by any means, but it's like everything is stupid and tacky... we got these home magazines in the mail because we won some thing, and it's nice magazines. How to do this or that, do family kind of things. My mother laughs "yeah I'll try not to read that."
So I've just been so out of everything-- things that feel normal, things that people enjoy-- things that should be OKAY to enjoy.
This is a hard to explain example. But things like that.
My parents are supportive and are proud of my accomplishments. But my mother is the one who says things like that from time to time about things. Just things being bad, or being tacky, or stupid. Not even necessarily about things I like. That's so hard to explain without them looking awful in that aspect.
It goes into so much more, but things LIKE those couple of examples. Those are the best ones I can think of, and I completely understand them sounding stupid. But when it's just all these things, I know nobody's going to go through ALL of it, so those are examples of "areas."
I feel like now that I'm older of course, I should be able to break away, do whatever. I can to an extent, but I'm so uncomfortable and still feel restricted in many ways. I feel like my attitude and behavior has been heavily influenced by them, and I feel like I'm not normal. EVERYTHING is wrong and foreign to me it seems. I feel ways about things that I shouldn't feel... I feel stupid. I feel like I know nothing. I feel like I can't let them know what I know and I still feel like I'm not supposed to.
I have friends over... parents in the room... I suddenly have nothing to say. Everything is wrong and uncomfortable.
Thoughts or... anyone know what I'm saying here? Were to begin, what to do... I don't know. Feel free to ask me any questions on it-- I feel like maybe there's better points that could be said. Like well do they do this, this, that? etc. that might clarify other things.