*HELP* Getting Married? Advice (Long)

Well, I have a lot to say, so let me start at the beginning. I met my girlfriend in a sophmore speech class in college. She is 19 and I am 21. We've been together now for 11 months and I asked her to marry me last month. She said yes and we plan to wedd in October.

Throughout the relationship we have had our share of problems, but things always seem to workout. Whatever the problem may be, we would bend for eachother and do what must be done to stay together.

For one, her Family is die hard Catholic as she is from South America. My Family are Jahovah's Witnesses (I'm non practicing). Getting married in a catholic church is a huge thing to her family and her, but my family wouldn't attend such a marriage. After long talks she decided it would be okay to get married out of a church without a Catholic minister. She is also willing to tone down large holidays that I'm not big on, seeing that I grew up not celebrating a lot of stuff like this.

At one point this issue had almost broke us up, but we managed and talked our way through it. Other issues we've had is having a lot of small fights, frequently. It's never more then a day, but happened a lot over small stupid things. She would do something rude or I would and then we'd have a fight for a few hours. Not screaming at eachother or yelling, just quiet and mad at eachother. For a while we didn't have any fights then we would again. Then it would stop and now it started again.

Other small issues I have are that I feel like I never see my friends anymore. She is real possesive, and hell so am I. Although, I wouldn't be real mad at her if she went out with her friends. She feels that weekends are her time with me and I work full time during the week then go to school at night.

Sometimes I feel like she made all her religious sacrifices because we were both virgins and after being together for six months we had sex. She was sad about it for a while feeling bad about what she did, but after a while she didn't want to stop. We have GREAT bedroom chemistry. However, I told her we should stop and wait until we get married now so that our honeymoon in 6 months will be more special and it really is the right thing to do especially in our eyes. She agreed.

One problem she has is that she only has her permit to go to school here. She has no license and no job. Currently her parents don't have the money for her school now, so she just sits at home. I want her to be able to work and for us both to be able to move a head with our life so when we get married she will be able to get a job and we can move a head together.

She really is a great girl. Fun, smart, beautiful, shy, sexy, lovable. I really do love her, but recently I have some doubts with the fights and such. I just wanted to unload all of this off of my chest. What should I do? What do you all think about my situation? Are we truly in love or did sex bind her? I was so sure of myself, and yet now I'm confused.

You are 21, she is 19. Why are you getting married when you've barely began to live? What's the rush? You really don't sound like you are ready for it. Live and explore, and if it's meant to be she'll still be there in a few years. In my opinion you shouldn't get married. I wanted to marry the guy I was with at 19, and I'm soo glad that never happened. I was love struck, but I was also young and dumb, and I still am. You are barely into adulthood and you will both grow and change soooo much in the coming years. Most people I know who married young deeply regret it.

Dude....i would wait. Dont marry her just yet. You both are young, and have to work out some issues. Not to mention...the chances of divorce these days are well above 50% for couples that are between the ages of 18 and 25. So slow down, take a breath, and analyze.

yeh dude, I agree. Wait a little bit longer. At least til you're 22.

Serioulsy tho - an impending wedding can cause all kinds of stess and make people a bit on edge. So keep that in perspective. When you two get fighty toward each other, try to remember that.

But I do agree. You both have time.

Careful of the fundamentally HUGE differences like religion tho.

Yeah it is easy to say, but her parents are planning to move within the next year and she can't work or go to school. She can't drive. All she can do is take the bus to pickup her sisters and cook dinner at her house. Well, watch TV too, but that is it. If she is the one, and I think she is. I don't want her to waste all her time sitting at home accomplishing nothing and doing nothing.

Well, believe it or not, many marriages that have lasted actually were very young ones. I'm not necessarily stating don't get married because of your ages.

It's the religious thing I'm worried about. That's going to be an issue that will come back, and I'll tell you why: you two didn't really work through it. She conceded and let you have your way. Now she can't get married in the Church she grew up in, and she can't celebrate holidays that are beloved to her that much, either!

In my book: this isn't fair. You're not even a practicing Jehovah's Witness, so why do you honestly care if she wants to practice her faith? Or even just Christmas, for goodness sake? That's a big, big thing to deny someone, and it WILL come back up in your relationship. She'll end up resenting you for this, mark my words.

yep. I think it'll be the fundamental differences that will be the recurring issues.

Work ethic, religion....

Maybe I'm missing something but how will marrying her solve the problem of her not being able to work, drive, go to school, etc?

prolly because she'll become a citizen?? I imagine??

I think you two need to work out the religious issue in depth.. maybe stay engaged for longer than you are planning to make sure this is what you both really want.

When I first read your message and how you described everything, I immediately thought that it won't last. Too many differences; too much giving up individual preferences to make the other happy.

Either way, good luck.

Sorry I didn't mention, I am doing Christmas with her. We agreed on Christmas, Birthdays, and Valentines day. Also, I do go to church with her on a regular basis.

What about the fighting and such? Any other input?? How do I know if she is truly in love with me and it isn't because we had sex?

I think there are a few things you two need to work out before you get married.

Some couples whom do marry young do work out, some people with differing religions also have great marriages. However, couples whom cannot solve conflict and communicate in a healthy manner often have a lot of resentment and unhappiness as it erodes the love.

I have one big suggestion - Pre-Marital counselling! For the conflict resolution and communication, as well as to discuss issues like how would children in this relationship be raised (ie what religion?). There is also the fact she may be kicked out of her Catholic church (not all Catholic churches do this, but some will not approve of one being married to a non-Catholic).

How do I know if she is truly in love with me and it isn't because we had sex?

Honestly, if you don't already know this, don't get married. While youth does not always mean things won't work out, I am concerned you are rushing into this for the wrong reasons. Marriage is not a big extended honeymoon. It takes partnership, compromise, commitment.

It concerns me greatly you are giving up YOUR life for her, it is healthy to have friends and interests. It is beneficial to the relationship to have individual passions, it brings more to each other, and to yourself. Your happiness should not be dependent on the other person.

Please go through pre-marital counselling before you exchange those vows...really understand the meaning of those vows before you voice them.

Pre-marital counseling is an excellent suggestion, and one many couples are doing these days before they get married. It provides a safe, focused environment to talk about the important issues you really must have decided before you marry, to minimize the surprise and resentment that might come with finding these things out later down the road.

A healthy communication style is what will make or break any marriage. This is something else pre-marital counseling will teach you how to do.

If you love her, I strongly suggest you make sure you two attend this kind of counseling. It's a priceless investment: determining the best roadmap for a loving, lasting marriage.

I spoke to her today and mentioned this. She fine about it and said okay. Where can I find out about this stuff in my area? How much is it?

Often you can find it through churches (but you would have to maybe find a non-denominational one, or a more lenient Catholic church), or general counsellors and therapists. Costs can range from totally free to based on income to costly. Look up marital counselling in the yellow pages - they often have pre-marital as well.

I would call around to find something that works for you both If one of you does not like the counsellor, look for another. It is important you are both comfortable.

Whatever it costs, make room for it in your budget. It's a pretty important expenditure that could have everything to do with the success of your marriage.