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I hit my girlfriend


bubbleberry

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My girlfriend has been living with me for about 5 months now and our relationship has really taken a turn for the worse.

 

We both are open,loving and kind individuals but we also both come from pretty messed up familys...hers more mental and verbal mine verbal and physical.

 

We spend half our time together laughing and joking, and really get on very well...unless we have to discuss anything that involves emotions.

 

I have done alot of personal work,dealing with my issues and emotional problems, (although not enough)...she has done none.

 

It seems that every time we have a conversation of any sort,and we come to a a place where we are expressing differing views she gets really emotional.We could be discussing politics,religon,economics,television....whatever it is...once the conversation gets to more than a few lines,to the point where we are really exchanging views she gets really defensive...she will express her disagreement by making faces when I am talking, or making comments that are designed to win the debate...some of them quite hurtfull.

 

If I stand my ground she will get angry or shed tears...

 

If I say anything or make a comment about anything she takes the opposite stand....Always.

 

ie i think this because of this...no thats wrong.

 

Perhaps we could do this...no we should do this....she NEVER agrees with anything.

 

It got to the point that I stopped saying anything or suggesting anything because I didnt want the hassle.

 

But recently I have been getting angry...slamming doors and I pushed her a few times.

 

I have tried many, many times to discuss this stuff with her...When I try to tell her how I feel...in a loving open manner she immediately desponds by telling me all of the stuff that I do to piss her off...which I am sure is plenty.

 

I have expressed that this gets us nowhere...that I am happy to sit and listen to what she needs to discuss about me and our relationship, and that I will not try to defend my actions but will rather listen and try to amend behaviour that needs adressed...if needs be i will think about it and respond when she is ready to listen.I ask that she do the same but she wont.

 

Today we had an argument and she started making her "your talking crap " face...i asked her a question and she told me that I was letting my imiganation run wild.This angered me but I held it in and carried on the conversation...but half way thru told her that i was sick of her talking to me like i was a child.

 

As my temper exploded i left the room...

 

A short while later I went back and told asked that she really needed to try to communicate in a more effective manner...( i need to learn this as well)..again she made faces and a smart comment.

 

This time i grabbed her and shook her...and banged my head against hers...which must have hurt...

 

I know I have ALOT of issues to deal with...I know she has alot of issues to deal with...but I dont know what to do...

 

I really worry that the next time I will really hurt her...sometimes she makes me so angry I want to....I am not a violent person but know that we are all capable of violence....and I do have a bad temper...

 

Sometimes we have such a great relationship but more recently,more often it is bad.

 

I know she will have her story to tell..I know there are always two sides but I really need some advice...

 

Recently I have

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Sometimes we have such a great relationship but more recently,more often it is bad.

 

No, you DON'T have a great relationship. The 'sometimes' do not make up for the abuse and violence, no matter if it was one instance or a hundred.

 

....I am not a violent person but know that we are all capable of violence

 

Yes, you ARE a violent person. You pushed her, hit her, shook her, grabbed her - that IS violence. In your heart you might not feel you are violent, but you most certainly are abusive. There is not a "quota" you need to fill before you are violent. I have been very angry with family, friends, partners. And I know I have made some of my partners very frustrated and angry but NEVER have any of us raised a hand to one another. There is no excuse for it.

 

My thoughts?

 

You two both need some serious therapy and counselling, and I also do NOT think that this is something that as a couple you should be doing together. I think she has some serious issues to work through (she sounds both insecure and passive aggressive however a large part of this may also be in response to her fear of you), and as do you (for your temper and abusive nature) and I think together you two are bringing out the negative in one another and this is a very explosive situation. You are feeding one another's negative aspects, and validating one another's negative reactions.

 

I think it is time to end this relationship, realize you have a serious problem, get into therapy and work on changing these very serious issues before you consider being involved with anyone.

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Hi there,

 

"We both are open,loving and kind individuals but we also both come from pretty messed up familys...hers more mental and verbal mine verbal and physical."

 

I am sorry to say...you two do NOT have an open and loving relationship. You need a heavy dose of reality my friend. No loving and open relationship would entail any kind of abuse....EVER!

 

"She will express her disagreement by making faces when I am talking, or making comments that are designed to win the debate...some of them quite hurtfull."

 

"If I stand my ground she will get angry or shed tears...

 

If I say anything or make a comment about anything she takes the opposite stand....Always.

 

ie i think this because of this...no thats wrong.

 

Perhaps we could do this...no we should do this....she NEVER agrees with anything."

This is being passive aggressive and that too, is being abusive. She is not emotionally mature enough to handle other peoples' point of view.

 

"This time i grabbed her and shook her...and banged my head against hers...which must have hurt..."

 

"But recently I have been getting angry...slamming doors and I pushed her a few times."

This is not an example of a loving relationship. True, she is passive aggressive but you laid your hands on her. Not cool. You are a violent person. Whom knows when this will happen again. And do not justify your actions by saying we are all capable of violence. Not true at all.

 

I think you both bring out the worst in one another. My advice that you get out of that relationship and get some therapy on your anger issues. Take care and good luck.

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You need to get away from her and get some help.

She might be pushing your buttons, but you've gone too far.

You have a chance to deal with your temper before your life gets seriously bad.

Most guys don't hit women, even the ones who act like brats.

Just walk away.

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I agree totally with what you guys say...

 

It is abuse whichever way you look at it...while I do not think of as such I am aware that a time may come when I could hurt her.

 

Although us spliting up may not be the as easy to do as it is to say it may be my only alternative.We both need councelling, but we both need love...the relationship was very healing, we do laugh lots...we talk,joke,cuddle,tickle...we have similar personalitys...but that may be the issue.

 

I wish we could deal with this stuff because I know we could have a great relationship...

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"I wish we could deal with this stuff because I know we could have a great relationship..."

 

Do not get jaded with what COULD HAVE been and realize WHAT is. You guys bring the worst out of each other...that to me is incompatibility. I would seriously consider ending this relationship (true it will be hard) and focus on getting yourself together.

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bubbleberry - Welcome.

 

First of all I want to commend your courage. It takes a lot to admit what you did in a room (albeit a virtual room) full of strangers.

 

It is not HER that makes you angry or want to be violent. It is your inability to handle or control your anger.

 

Just the fact that you realize you have issues and from where they stem tells me that with a little bit of help, you'll be much better off.

 

A little something that may help you about her tho - She has a lot of pride and a low self-esteem which is why she doesn't want to be wrong or opposed. Disagreements hurt her pride and re-enforce her low opinions of herself. So she fights it and anyone who disagrees with her. To her, a disagreement is the same as telling her she's wrong.

 

I suggest a little more understanding on your part. Word things differently. She sounds like maybe the Socratic approach would work on her. Ask her questions and guide her to own conclusions.

 

For example, let's say you have a different view on phone companies. She thinks her is better, you think yours is. Instead of saying, "mine is better because it has more free minutes," could you say something like, "do you think having more free minutes is better or paying per minute for all?"

 

This will tell her that you respect her opinion and will challenge her in a non-threatening way.

 

But you have to allow her to have her own opinion. If she answers with an answer you disagree with, its ok to say, "well, I disagree." And leave it at that. Its OK to have different opinions.

 

The two of you need help and I strongly suggest that while you're getting it, you are free of thinking or caring about anyone but yourselves. At least for the duration.

 

I think you should separate and work on yourselves for a while.

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While I agree with what you are saying...I do wonder,,,

 

I work with children....believe it or not I am setting up a charity that provides in school workshops and programs for parents and mentors....based on responsibility for ones actions and communication...

 

I put my hand up and say that I am ashamed and disgusted with my actions...

 

but I honestly believe that alot of the worlds issues are caused by a lack of communication...is it not possible that I learn to deal with my anger and that she learns to deal with communication...or am I just crazy?

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Blue,

 

Only you can do something about your issues. It is up to her to deal with hers. Sure, you both can get therapy about your issues and maybe be happy together but you mentioned in your first post she has done nothing on her end to change her ways. You can lead a horse to water but you cannot force it to drink.

 

You are responsible for your actions. If your GF does not get help, well, there is nothing you can do about that. The only thing you can control is you. Get out now and focus on your life.

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ta re saw...

 

Thanks for the support...your right this is pretty emotional and not the easiest thing I have ever done....you wrote...

 

I suggest a little more understanding on your part. Word things differently. She sounds like maybe the Socratic approach would work on her. Ask her questions and guide her to own conclusions.

 

For example, let's say you have a different view on phone companies. She thinks her is better, you think yours is. Instead of saying, "mine is better because it has more free minutes," could you say something like, "do you think having more minutes is better or paying per minute?"

 

My girlfriend has a habit of giving orders....I know she does not mean to do this but she will say " go buy some sausages"...not a request but a statement or demand.

 

I know she does not mean to, it is just her way and before have never said anything...until this morning.

 

She made her statement/demand and i laughed, gave her a hug and lovingly asked that she try suggesting...ie do you think we need some sausages...or it would be great if you could gett some sausages ( sorry lousy example)...

 

Problem is that I have been trying these approaches for months now...

 

I do however have to be honest and say that I can be a real * * *,controling, fault finder...but I am hyper aware...and control myself well...(she may say different )

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Sometimes, even though two people do love each other, they simply should not be together. It is true neither of you communicate well - but that is not the only issue. You have very different ways of dealing with disagreements and neither of them are constructive.

 

You know what you did was wrong and I hope you will do something about your anger issues - sounds like you will. But you can't make her deal with her issues if she either won't or won't admit she has them. If she won't deal with her passive-aggressiveness and 'pushing your buttons' behaviour then you will be unable to get yourself to a point where you have no buttons to push.

 

It may be that after some considerable time apart, and after you have both dealt with your separate issues, that you could make a relationship work. But I seriously doubt you could do that while you are together. Simply put, you are too toxic for each other right now and the risks of harming her are too real.

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U know something, you are exactly like my father. My mother makes faces and doesn't really listen to him that much at times. And when he asks her or tells her to lower her voice or speak in a civilize manner, she doesn't and that's when he would either spank her, kick her on her legs or shake her. He did the same things you're doing to her and seriously as much as she makes you upset, gave it clearly there is no EXCUSE for hitting. If you really have a temper problem, which my both my parents have, then why don't you start working on yourself, start taking anger management classes and get couseling or therapy. If not, you can really get yourself in trouble!!!!!!!!! Well hope it hopes out for both you and her, cuz that really is an unhealthy relation.

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After reading all the replys to my post I lay awake all night trying to gather my thoughts.

 

I realised (with some help from people on this forum) just how un healthy this relationship really is.

 

What I also realise is that IN MY OPINION this does not need to happen.

 

I last night suggested to my girlfriend that she moves out...which she will do tomorrow.

 

Wether we will remain a couple,or even friends has not yet been discussed.

 

What I do know is that I have some work to do...heavy emotional work, as does she...I have arranged to see a councellor next week...I doubt that she will consider it...but I hope so, not for me but for her.

 

It is not my place to tell her what she should or should not do...but I have to protect myself...I have to continue to develop emotionall, and realise that this will always be a work in progress.

 

This does not mean that I cannot have a healthy, loving relationship...but I need to be with someone who is at least as self aware and commited to growth as I am.

 

What I did was wrong, and believe me it scares me and disgusts me that I could do this...

 

But I am a pretty open,self aware person...I know how I act, my issues and the work I need to focus on...and I have realised that since my girlfriend moved in I have constantly walking on egg shells,...she may have been also...

 

But the anger that I expressed yesterday has been building up for 5 months...she should have moved out months ago,then we would have been in a much better place but she has money problems and I did not want to ask her to leave with no money and nowhere to live...now I realise how much strain this has been putting on both of us.

 

Who knows what the future holds...but I have to move forward...I hope she does to.

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But is that the whole story....?

 

I have been reading this thread...and thought I would share my thoughts...

 

Last night I hit my girlfriend...I didn't punch her, but I shook her and pushed my head against hers...I did mean to hurt her though…you can read the whole story here

 

 

 

I am aware that this is an extremely emotional subject, I am also aware that some of those reading may have experienced violence in a relationship...

 

I just want to express my opinion...It's my opinion and may be totally wrong...but that's ok,

 

First thing I will say is that I have realized that if I shake someone or punch them in the face...there is no difference...( no I have never punched someone in the face,well not since school, and never a girl)

 

Secondly I realize that everyone is different...something that may anger me may not anger you...or vice versa.

 

People communicate in different ways

 

Communication is the key to every relationship.

 

I believe that you could take someone that has been in wonderfull, sucessfull relationship...and put them together with another, who also has had a history of great relationships...and they may fall in love....but they also may not be able to communicate...they may push each others buttons, they may anger each other, no fault of their own....just emotional incompatibility.

 

My girlfriend pushed my buttons 24/7

 

Time and time again I tried to have an open discussion with her and she always refused...she insulted me, she made faces when I spoke (non verbally communicating that I was talking rubbish), when I expressed my concerns, my needs, my desires, in a non aggressive, loving manner she would recite a list of all the things I do wrong, thus defending her corner and not allowing communication.

 

I started to get angry about 4 months ago.

 

We should have split then, but my anger was internal, I had not expressed in an inappropriate manner.

 

I loved her, I understood her incesurtitys, her hurt, I thought I could make it work...but she was still making me angry, and I her.

 

Last night 4 months since the problems first started I became violent.

 

I have asked her to move out, I have told her that I need time to do some personal work, councelling etc.

 

There is a chance that I could have developed a relationship based on healthy communication, and that this anger would never have happened...there is also the possibility that I could have had a worse relationship...and become more violent.

 

Who knows...only time will tell...but when I read all the posts that make sweeping statements…that say I will never change, that I do not want to change, that I am controlling...I wonder if there is any point even going to counseling...even trying to deal with my issues.

 

Is important to realize that this forum does not deal in facts...it is also important to remember that many people read this forum...abusers and the abused....

 

My girlfriend is passive aggressive.

I can be violent when pushed.

 

We both have issues we need to deal with...don't write either of us off...I came to this forum for advice and support...just like you guys...Do I not deserve it...or is that reserved for my girlfriend and her emotional problems?

 

I may also add that today I discovered that in my area there are 5 different groups that offer support for those suffering from physical abuse...and no support atall for those who have ,or are at risk of becoming abusers...

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bubbleberry, the problem you are having is that you keep trying to justify your actions. Statements like this:

 

My girlfriend pushed my buttons 24/7

 

My girlfriend is passive aggressive.

I can be violent when pushed.

 

There is a chance that I could have developed a relationship based on healthy communication, and that this anger would never have happened

 

That is attempting to blame her for your inability to control your anger and your abuse. And that is intolerable to many people, especially those who have been in abusive relationships. It is not her communication that made you abusive. You did that all on your own.

 

Yes this is a forum for advice and support. But it is also about opinions. People are not going to support a course of action that they feel is unhealthy or dangerous. They will speak out against it. If you really want help, you will need to have an open mind and be ready for some harsh criticism. People are not going to applaud your actions.

 

Now as for whether abusers can change, that is where people will all have their own opinions. I for one believe that a person who is determined to change, who gets help, and who puts forth a serious effort can indeed change. My best friend was a raging alcoholic. But he got help, cleaned himself up, and has been sober for 15 years. If I thought "once a drunk always a drunk" then I would not be friends with him now. But he changed. He found the strength within himself to turn his life around.

 

One thing is for certain - without help you likely will NOT change. You need to accept full responsibility for your own actions. And you are not there yet. Look harder for a treatment program. They are out there. Ask your doctor or your local social services if they know of any programs. And take those first steps toward changing your life around.

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Bubbleberry,

You are my brother - I've taken you on.

 

GAwwdd do I know your frustration and anger. You're thinking "I'm actually admiting to my mistakes for once. I'm being honest about what I've done. And still people are pissing on me and won't help."

And it pisses you off.

 

It hits your buttons.

 

You are right. There are a million and one support-systems for 'victims' of abuse.

And few for 'abusers'.

 

Why, my friend?

Because it is easy to have sympathy for those who are actively visibly being hurt.

Not so easy for 'preying manthis' type people who are being, or were, hurt.

 

Trying to hug and help you is intimidating and outright scary to most people.

Think about it: If you were in their shoes looking in, would you want to reach out to you in your current condition? They're feeling 'he may blow or rage or hit me, and I don't know what exactly would set him off'.

 

You do have hope. There are people that will take the time to help. I understand how frustrating it is.

Our pattern is what attracts us to passive-aggressive people.

Unsconsciously, they help us re-run that old pattern of being treated like crap and ignored and not communicated to. We're trying to fix what happened before and get some validation.

 

You are gonna have to step up to plate if you want help.

It's gonna hurt like crazy to open up and be vulnerable: which is what you'll have to do.

You'll get mad. You'll cry. You'll have to do things you won't want.

And it just keeps getting better.

You begin to love yourself and trust yourself.

 

For now, keep looking for someone who will listen to you!

Watch yourself.

Pay attention to what is getting you angry, and make the decision "I will back down and wait 5 minutes. I will not act on it until I have given myself a chance to calm down."

Being angry =irrational

 

Just don't give up yourself. Ever. You're worth the fight.

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itsallgrand - I'm glad you said that, cuz I was just about to (really)

 

Blueberry - I think the world of you that you admit what you did was wrong and are taking steps to correct it! Serious kudos to you.

 

Do you have your work cut out for you? Sure, but that's why you're doing it.

 

I really wish you the best and I hope you keep us posted.

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Guys Thanks...

 

To those who are kicking my butt..dont stop,I need the truth as well as the support.To those offering support THANK YOU !!

 

My girlfriend has moved out, and already things are changing...small steps but I have at least been able to concentrate on my own needs...what I have to address and change.

 

She may have issues,but it is not my place to tell her, she needs to work that out for herself...so hopefully she will find a forum like this...its a start.

 

I have been involved in the thread ...can an abusive partner ever change...

 

 

 

got my * * * kicked a few times there also but realise thats what I need, and also found some really suportive people there...

 

itsallgrand, ta ree saw , avman ,dn , aliec, i am reading and digesting everything you write...it may take me a while to absord it, even longer to truley understand it and perhaps a life time to put it into practice...but I will try !!

 

Cheers guys

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again guys ,many Thanks..

 

What a day it has been...

 

a roller coaster of emotions...my girlfriend and I have agreed that the relationship is over...It was a decision that was not spoken about...I just emailed her my thoughts, my need to get help and support and expressed the views of some of you that I may not change...I wanted her to know that this is serious stuff because she can at times choose to ignore that which so obviously need to be addressed.

 

She is supportive of me and my efforts to change, to grow.But from the content of emails I have received from her she obviously does not think that she has any of her own personal work to do...I did not suggest to her that she had, but It was obvious that she feels that I am the only one in the relationship with issues.

 

 

Thats ok,its not my business, not my work...but I had hoped that at some stage in the future we could develop our relationship...that I now know will not happen,.

 

Strangely it is a relief, I can stop worrying about the relationship, about her and concentrate on myself.

 

I called a number of women's aid organisations today, I am told there are only 2 organisations in Northern Ireland that work with men...one is specifically for men suffering from abuse, and the other is simply a counseling service for men...I had contacted them about a year ago...but a friend is a supervising counselor in a number of groups, she is involved in a lot of government and charitable organisations and she says that because none of their counselors are accredited, their training cannot be verified...There is no governing body for therapists or counselors here...so anyone can set themselves up as a counselor...seems that they have see a gap in the market...

 

So its back to the drawing board...I am awaiting call backs from a number of other groups who may offer advice...but I know I need to work on this ASAP..its easy to forget ones bad points.

 

Thank you for your support...I will keep you posted.I am spending the weekend involved in a youth course, so that will take my mind off this stuff, but hopefully not for two long.

 

Again Many Thanks for all you support..I will keep you posted.

 

Bub

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That's fantastic, Bub! Truly fantastic. Now you can work on you, without the worry of how that is going to constantly impact her. You did good, man. So happy.

 

Good luck with finding the right folks to talk to. Seems to be somewhat difficult to get mental health care in Ireland, eh. That makes it tougher, but I'm sure you'll find the right place for you soon.

 

 

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