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Thread: He doesn't understand that his lying habit has ruined my trust in him...

  1. #1
    Member somedaymaybe's Avatar
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    He doesn't understand that his lying habit has ruined my trust in him...

    I'm with a guy that I have known since we were in our teens (we're in our late 20's now.) We were always friends and he was always the guy friend I ran to when I was having problems with past boyfriends. I confided in him. Now, we've been seeing each other since May, and officially together since the middle of June. I found out (through his facebook and email and texts) that up until the end of July, he was still messaging girls on FB and trying to get them to go out and drink with him and "hook up" - which he claims means "hang out" but I know that is total BS. And, he was trying to have cam to cam sex with girls he met in chat rooms. Ugh. His response is that it shouldn't bother me because it was then (a whole three months ago!) and he hasn't been doing that since, and he never slept with anyone else. He also had created a dating profile on a well known dating site looking for sex but not relationships. Sorry but I think what I found (I gave you the PG version, by the way) would make any girl's stomach turn.

    Now, before anyone accuses me of being a controlling, snoopy girlfriend, let me tell you a few other things that he has lied about.
    I once caught him driving down the road with a former girlfriend when he was supposed to be at his mother's house landscaping her yard. I texted him before he knew I had seen him and I asked what he was up to and his response was that he was working in his mom's yard.
    He also lied about where some of his money had gone. I work full time and he is looking for a job. He has two kids and I am pregnant with his child. I also provide a home and food for him and his kids. I believe I had a right to know where his money went since he is supposed to help me pay for their food. It turns out that he lied about where he was a few nights ago, and had been drinking with his friend and given this friend the money for his (the friend's) kids.

    Not to mention that throughout the short time we have been together, he's lied to me about so many things. It just gets overwhelming sometimes. He drives my car everywhere, and I don't complain except when he uses it to drive his friends around and there are extra miles on it that are unaccounted for. His stories rarely add up. I'm so hurt and burnt out and I am trying to make things work because I do love him and he claims he loves me. And I'm having his child.

    Is my gut feeling wrong that this is not what love should feel like? I have been in so many bad relationships and so few decent ones that I don't even know what to look for anymore. I feel like I am just settling and giving up on finding that TRUE LOVE where you don't have to worry every five seconds if the person you're sharing your life with is lying to you or not.

  2. #2
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    Oh, I'm sorry. I think your instincts are right and you know what you need to do - you just don't want to do it.

    Here is what you need to get into your head. No amount of following him around, scrutinizing him or "catching" him is going to fix the issue. No amount of yelling. No amount of tears. A person's conduct is their own. You can't convince someone to behave appropriately or step up to the plate - they have to want to do that on their own. You have zero control over this.

    This man does not work. He does not take care of his kids (taking care of your kids involves working to put food in their bellies and a roof over their head). YOU are doing that. And while that's very, very nice of you... there's a really big, inherent problem that he is even allowing you to do this - nevermind that he's sneaking around, lying and spending money (that should be his kids' money) however he feels like it.

    I think you need to get out of this situation. You have enough to care for with yourself and your child on the way. You don't need another dependent. You need a partner (at minimum), nevermind a provider. This guy isn't even standing up enough to do his half!

    You have a child with him on the way... and you have an obligation to facilitate a relationship between him and your child... but that is your ONLY obligation.

    I think you should walk away and concentrate on building a good life with your child, without him weighing you down. Life goes on... there are other men... men who wouldn't dream of behaving in this way. You need to find one of those - because you cannot fix another person.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member pinkelephant's Avatar
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    He doesn't need to understand. It's not about him. It's about you. What are you okay with? Obviously, not this. You deserve better and there is better. You're not the problem, he is. You can move on. Who cares if he can't? You're not his mom, you don't have to teach him right and wrong.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member becomingkate's Avatar
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    I have to agree with RedDress on this one. If you start planning now, you might be able to get out and become established before the baby comes. It's going to be a lot harder finding govt support if he's still in the picture.

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