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Thread: I need your opinions people

  1. #1
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    I need your opinions people

    I need your advice ladies and guys!

    I met a woman, we'll call her Jess, about a year ago and we really hit it off. She was finishing her divorce and I am divorced myself. Also, I'm 35 and she is 33.

    So, after a few months as we established a relationship, I asked her about a married guy friend, we'll call Anthony, that she grew up with.

    I didn't trust this guy and had an odd vibe when we met up with him! I had asked before and she told me nothing had ever happened and she did know him since they were young.

    At about the 6 month mark, we met him once again and that vibe hit me again. Something wasn't right. I did something that night that I never, ever had done before. I looked in her phone. Going back to text messages from him, there was clear sexting from just prior to her getting with me. Lots of sexting with Anthony.

    I was upset and admitted to wha I did and confronted her for the truth. She said they had had sex when they were 17, but nothing since. Remember, he is still married and her ex is good friends with this guy.

    Anyway, I was bothered and really hurt. I maybe should've left then, but I tried to work it out. She promised me that this was the whole truth. As you can guess, it wasn't.


    To add to this, she didn't believe in boundaries with the opposite sex. I'm fine with friends of either sex, but believe certain things are inappropriate when a person is in a committed relatinship.

    She had a former flame, we'll call Tim, who called and wanted to meet up with Jess. I asked if he knew about me and she said he did. I asked if he mentioned me when he invited her, she said no. I said its classless for a guy, who she had a FWB relationship with in the past to not mention her boyfriend out of courtesy. I was also bothered that my gf didn't bring me up.

    Anyway, back to the main story. Months pass, I do my best to let things be, when it happens! Jess' girlfriend Jenn asked me what was bothering me. She knew about Jess and I having this issue and I said I didn't trust Anthony and it still bothered me. She slipped up and said it was an AFFAIR and was a mistake.

    Jenn thought I knew all. Well, I was so hurt. I confronted Jess the next day and she lied and lied until I told her about the slip up on her friends part.

    I've since broken up with her recently. Jess explained that this was all before me and that she loves me. The problem is she never truly apologized. Also, she doesn't see my point that what if I never knew the truth, we got even closer, and the truth popped up another way in the future. That this would tarnish the whole relationship up until that point.

    She has a male work friend that she was going to get drinks with. She was planning on being out late and was. I told her I wasn't comfortable with this. She said it was her decision, which it was of course. So I broke up with her.

    I thoroughly enjoyed this relationship until the lies. I sense that Jess never had a guy who really wanted an honest, true relationship built around just 2 people.

    More background, Jess is adopted and her adopted father died when she was 3.

    I'd love all and any thoughts, advice. I know I have to move on, but I would like to know how this sounds to people not involved.

    Thanks for reading!

  2. #2
    Platinum Member HeatherB's Avatar
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    Your entire premise hinges on your ex gf's friend referring to her old relationship with a married guy, before she met you, as an affair. Well it was an affair if the guy was married. Doesn't mean it was an affair on you. You weren't even in the picture at the time. I don't understand what your ex was supposed to apologize for.

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    The affair ended a month before I met her. She had me attend bar b ques with this guy and his wife. If she was truly sorry, wouldn't she avoid this guy and not his wife out of guilt. This guy is best friends with her ex. Other people know about the affair. How should I take being lied to over and over when I could tell something was right?

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    Also, you didn't address the boundaries with other men.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member CeeLambrini's Avatar
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    I think where Jess was in the wrong for lying to you, you were also stepping a little out of line in prying into her past.

    See, it should be a privilege, and not a right to know everything about a person's past. If someone has a friend that you get a "bad vibe" from, then you can't just expect an explanation or a justification on why she is friends with him. It's up to her if she wants to tell you that she had an affair, or if she was sexting some guy before you even met.

    I think breaking up with her was the right thing to do - purely because she was doing things that you didn't like her doing. Going out and staying up late is something you'll not tolerate in a relationship and it's sensible not to try and change the person or get them to stop being who they want to be. But I can't judge this woman or say that she was 100% in the wrong because sometimes yes - people are friends with past flames, or have guilty secrets that they'd prefer to keep in their past. If they want to tell you, then it's up to them. When they deny it, yes it might be a lie - but the lie could be based purely on the fact that they're not comfortable or open enough to you right now that they'll want to give everything away.

    Like I said, if you think this isn't right in a relationship, and you expect all skeletons in the closet and dirty laundry to be thrown out in the first months of the relationship, then you need to be with someone who feels the same way.

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    I admit to some wrong and never had an issue like this before. I loved her very much. We dated for almost a year.

    I accepted the past actually, even though I was hurt. It was the boundaries now that were a problem. She didn't see watching a movie alone with another guy at his place to be an issue. You're right in moving on. I appreciate your opinions. It's not fair to expect everything in the first few months. Would you agree that you should move past the person you had an affair with if you're truly moving on!

  8. #7
    Platinum Member HeatherB's Avatar
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    She probably didn't want to get into it and considered it not your business. There are certain ways you could have behaved that would have encouraged openness in her. But I don't think your values and hers match up quite right.

    She has a right to her own ideas about boundaries with the opposite sex, as do you. It was up to both of you to negotiate your differences before either of you had reasons to get upset. And the first time one of you did get upset, that was another chance to discuss it. You assumed your set of ideals should be correct for her, and that your rules applied to her. She didn't agree. Since you couldn't come to an agreement, because you neither of you even tried, conflict, erroneous assumptions, and finally a break up were the result.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member CeeLambrini's Avatar
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    Saying "I'm not comfortable with this" or "This is inappropriate" is much less effective than "It hurts me when you do this" or "I feel jealous" when talking to a woman. You are connecting her through emotions rather than logic - the former being something she will naturally connect and empathize with more.
    When a woman turns round and tells you to stop being silly, or says that she will do it anyway - she does not care about your feelings and break up is what should happen.
    When you say it in a logical sense, it can be taken as more of a command, and her doing it anyway against your wishes is simply just to show you that you can't boss her around.

    Obviously, it seems like only a slight difference in communication, because probably as far as you see it "I'm not comfortable" is telling her your feelings. And when she acts upon it, to you that is her disregarding your feelings. But being "uncomfortable" is a bi-product of feeling jealousy and abandonment. So is "anger" and "rage".
    If the woman in question does care about you, and love you - bringing how you feel into your protests is much more effective and it puts you in a vulnerable state where you are laying your cards out on the table. If she still doesn't care about this, then she doesn't care about you.

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    I see your points. I did express the hurt and yes, she never expressed understanding. I do have issues there too.

    I expressed my discomfort with her boundaries and really wanted dialogue. It sucks because we had a wonderful beginning. The best I ever had.

  11. #10

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    The sole fact that she was having an affair with a married man at any point in her life shows she has zero morals and very low character and if you like yourself and have morals you should want nothing further to do with her based on that. This SHOULD be enough to disqualify her alone.

    However, there is more:
    1 - she lies
    2 - she doesn't believe in boundaries in opposite sex friendships
    3 - she has serious problems that will take lots of therapy to address

    You did the right thing. On to better things and people. No more wrestling with pigs.

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