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When the wife ignores the husband


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Married 9 years. Wife is a nurse. I'm a teacher. She prefers to hang out with co-workers, church groups, and the kids to spending time with me. I feel ignored, unappreciated, taken for granted. I'm extremely good to her, maybe too good. Maybe that's the problem?

 

I've never seriously contemplated cheating on her or divorcing her. But I'm to the point where either of those sounds like valid options to me. Mainly, though, I think I just a pen pal or two in a forum like this. Know what I mean?

 

Thanx,

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Yes DN, I've told her over and over, over many years. This problem seems to come and go. She will treat me great for a while, then mysteriously turn in to this other person who makes me feel one inch tall. We even got counseling for a solid year, all last year. Spent oodles of money with a therapist and here we are back again. I'm spent. Looking at my options. Any suggestions?

Thanx,

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I have the same question as DN. Have you told her about your feelings?

 

Perhaps your wife doesn't even realize it? Sometimes people feel that when they are married, they don't have to make extra time for their spouse. Of course it's not always right when the other person is hurting.

 

Maybe you can try to plan at least one evening during the week to make a date night. Whether it's just cuddling on the couch watching tv, or going out to dinner.

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Oh, so you have talked to her. Sorry, I must have been writing my response as you wrote yours.

 

What did your therapist suggest? Perhaps you could suggest making a date night once a week. Do you think she would be willing to do that?

 

Have you told her that you can't be in a relationship where you feel you are being taken for granted? What does she say about that?

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Maggie, the therapist said for us to try to meet in the middle--I give her more space, she give me more attention. Well, duh! I paid good money for that, too!

 

Yes, we've talked and talked and talked. I'm not one of these silent types. The wife is more silent than me. It's like we have a role reversal marriage. It's like she's the head of the house, in the sense that if we don't do things her way, she is insufferable. So I give and give and give, but sometimes I get tired of being the doormat. I'm not a weenie, just a nice guy. But she and I are not on the same page about priorities.

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Sometimes people need a wake-up call. Perhaps you should say that unless she can commit to making a permanent change in her behaviour then it is time that you called it quits, figured out the best way to raise your children and got as amicable a divorce as possible.

 

Don't cheat on her - not a good option.

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You're right, DN. I know it's not a good idea to cheat. But I'm gettin' desperate. And I don't mean for sex. I mean for companionship. The problem with divorce is that it's worse than the original problem. Been there and done that. It hurts like hell. Takes 3 years to get over it. I guess that's why I keep biding my time with this wife, hoping it will get better.

 

But I have thought about throwing down the ultimatum. My fear, I suppose, is that she'll say "divorce? I thought you'd never ask!"

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Well, that is a possibility. And the other possibility is that she won't want a divorce but will not make a commitment to change which throws the ball back in your court.

 

The bottom line is: can you live with the current situation if she will not change?

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Married 9 years. Wife is a nurse. I'm a teacher.
She prefers to hang out with co-workers, church groups, and the kids to spending time with me. I feel ignored, unappreciated, taken for granted. I'm extremely good to her, maybe too good. Maybe that's the problem?

I've never seriously contemplated cheating on her or divorcing her. But I'm to the point where either of those sounds like valid options to me. Mainly, though, I think I just a pen pal or two in a forum like this. Know what I mean?

 

Thanx,

To me marriage is not about I--but about-- WE!,I think she is being very insensitive to you,Especially if she is not inviting you to join in her in her activities.Trying to change someone is impossible,I would suggest changing yourself.

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I'm with DN on this... wake up call time. You have been doing your part. The fact is, that she isn't meeting your needs. Are you meeting her needs? If you are... and she still falls short on yours, then I think it's time to re-evaluate your position on this marriage. Not to be a homewrecker here, but you obviously have some issues that she is not even acknowledging, let alone addressing.

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My fear, I suppose, is that she'll say "divorce? I thought you'd never ask!"

 

If this were to happen... then it's in your best interest to end it now... prepare yourself for this possibility. If it happens, you'll be fine... if it doesn't, you'll have a better bargaining position.

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Maggie, the therapist said for us to try to meet in the middle--I give her more space, she give me more attention. Well, duh! I paid good money for that, too!

 

Yes, we've talked and talked and talked. I'm not one of these silent types. The wife is more silent than me. It's like we have a role reversal marriage. It's like she's the head of the house, in the sense that if we don't do things her way, she is insufferable. So I give and give and give, but sometimes I get tired of being the doormat. I'm not a weenie, just a nice guy. But she and I are not on the same page about priorities.

 

This is the probelm I see with therapists sometimes. Its to much of the "two can tango" idea and not enough of the "okay theres a problem here lets deal with it". From what you said you've tried everything, you've backed away and its still not had any effect. Maybe you need to sit her down and give her the choice: them or me. Ultimatums are usually not preferable but sometimes necessary.

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I don't know about you, but I get this feeling that she takes you for granted, and she knows it.

 

I have a friend who had a partner who was really sweet/supportive towards her. She told me "she wasn't feelin him anymore, and that she likes the overly confident jerky type of guys, and he's not it." I tell her, "You need to break up and be honest with him instead of stringing him along." Her response, "But he treats me so well..."

 

 

It's kind of sad the things people do to another person, when they know that the other person loves them. She took him for granted. I hope your wife realizes how lucky she is.

 

I know it's different for you because you're married. I don't think that starting up a pen-pal relationship over the internet with the oppossite sex is the best or smartest action for now - siimply because you don't want to open up another can of worms.

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You've all given me good advice. The question is, can I take it? I fear the pain of divorce. Yucky financial problems, splitting up kids and parents, pets, the house. I'm scared I'd be cutting off my nose to spite my face.

 

From my experience, you can get over any relationship quickly if you've got a ready replacement. I don't. I guess I'm in search mode right now. At least I'm searching out my options.

 

It was her idea last year to seek counseling. She said it was that or divorce. I didn't want the divorce. She's threatened divorce several times in nine years. Her only complaints about me are that I'm clingy to her, don't spend enough time with the kid, and a little stingy with money.

 

Yet, I work full time, clean the house, do the yardwork, cook the meals, pick up the kid from school, shuffle him to karate class and whatnot, take care of the pets, and try to manage our budget so we don't rack up massive credit card debt. All I ask for is some of her time and attention. Not all of it. I'm not the jealous type. I just want some of it.

 

Sometimes I'm the invisible man at my home. I do all the work and get none of the reward.

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Wow, I was in a similar position to you six months ago when my wife chucked me out. She had time for everyone else but me and the more I tried to get her attention the more she backed away until she felt suffocated and asked me to move out. (See my previous posts for more details).

 

Relationships need to be 50/50, I guess when I moved out it was 90/10 in her favour. Now we are back together it is 60/40 in my favour and things are very different now.

 

Sorry to have to say this but it looks as though you are going to be following the same path as me especially if you offer an ultimatum.

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You've all given me good advice. The question is, can I take it? I fear the pain of divorce. Yucky financial problems, splitting up kids and parents, pets, the house. I'm scared I'd be cutting off my nose to spite my face.
I think your'e right! Most couples who decide to commit adulty, divorce, etc., I notice in the long- run, they are NOT happy. ALL relationships require time, patience, and commitment. Without the commitment, there will NEVER be trust. Everything else falls from there. You'll only find yourself in repeated relationships that don't work out. Cherish the one you already have (I wish she can do that, too!).

 

At least she wanted to work things out with you through counseling. At this point, I really think you guys need to find a different way of communicating. I don't know if couple's therapy works, but somehow, I think you BOTH need to put in the effort to listen, respect, understand each other more instead of walking out.

 

It doesn't matter if you were only married for 3 years, 5, years, 9 years or 20. The point is, when 2 adults commit to "marriage" it takes on a whole other meaning, especially when you guys have kids involved. Besides, doesn't sound like you guys are at a point where abuse is involved, which is great.

 

For now, an ultimatum sounds right. It might be better if you tell her afterwards, that you want to work things out. If she doesn't want to work with you as a "team", then give her the ultimatum, because you can ONLY take so much. If she can't appreciate your love, then she needs to wake up to what's happening. About her mentioning "stingy", I don't know about that. If I sense that a person puts money before the family, love, kids, etc., I usually get turned off. But that's just me.

 

Maybe you guys have other underlying issues. Point is - for any relationship to work out, the key ingredient is communication - empathetic listening and honest dialogue. No playing games, no arguing (fights will never resolve anything, because it's based on pride and never gets people anywhere). When two people don't give in and fight like crazy and avoid each other, that's when relationships deteriate. It naturally takes it's course.

 

Takes 2 people to build a relationship. Takes 2 people (or one) to break it apart. She needs to realize it.

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From my experience, you can get over any relationship quickly if you've got a ready replacement. I don't. I guess I'm in search mode right now. At least I'm searching out my options.

 

I don't think this is always true. I mean, I guess if you have developed feelings for someone else, then being with them wouldn't be so bad. But unless you are already over your current partner, it's never easy.

 

She has threatened divorce many times? That has to be extremely stressful for you. If she hasn't already divorced you, chances are she really doesn't want it for whatever reason, whether it be the finance issues or she doesn't want to lose you. But do you realize though that that's not part of a healthy relationship?

 

What about her made you want to marry her in the first place? What was your relationship like when you first got married?

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Her only complaints about me are that I'm clingy to her, don't spend enough time with the kid, and a little stingy with money.

 

Yet, I work full time, clean the house, do the yardwork, cook the meals, pick up the kid from school, shuffle him to karate class and whatnot, take care of the pets, and try to manage our budget so we don't rack up massive credit card debt

 

I think this says it all. Either she is hard-wired to be selfish, or she has no interest in you.

 

Personally I think you should get out now.

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  • 1 year later...

a teacher and a gentleman,

 

I am in the same type of situation as you are. I read this post and found myself compulsively nodding in agreement in various parts.

 

I, too, am ignored. I have tried many times to explain to my wife how she makes me feel when she ignores me... Years ago - 8 of them now - she said she would try and change. (The word 'try' invariably winds up being followed with laborious nothings). She has not. I have done all I can. I can't do any more. I was a very compassionate, thoughtful and warm individual. I'm not so sure now, since she has drained the life from me. I have spent 8 years tipping good energy into an abyss...

 

She goes into silent mode when I have feelings in general. When I feel the need to have attention (any would be nice), she invariably shirks me off. (Is that too much to ask? I feel guilty for wanting to be 'attended to').

 

About 3 weeks ago, things were so bad, I threatened suicide. (It was an empty threat). I told her that after I put on my shoes, I was walking out and not coming back, and likely to do something rash. (Anyone in their normal mind would not stoop to such a low. Any partner in their normal mind wouldn't let their beloved walk out the door, either).

 

She, in reply, merely wanted to know: "Do you want me to get you some socks to wear?"

 

*HELLO?? Anyone home??*

 

I'm at the point where I'm ready to tell her: "Well, that's it. Nice to have known you - except please do not take 'nice' literally, I was merely making conversation while packing these bags and boxes."

 

Thing is... We have one child. At 7, she is most certainly unaware of the complex feelings, and feelings of rejection; feelings of grief; loneliness; fear... and whatever else involved. Nor should she be. Children make things difficult.

 

It's just a mess, and I wish to the Lord that I had not fallen for this woman in the first place... I have wasted the best of my years in a relationship where I'm not truly wanted...

 

The only solution is this. I've got to go. It's no use wasting more time and feeling more jaded to the point where I am snappy and emotionally empty, and can't be any sort of father to my daughter. My soon-to-be ex-wife - I owe her nothing. My daughter is another matter. It is better to move to sunnier pastures, (even bachelorhood would be much more gilded and intensely more refreshing!!) than become a lonely, snarling beast staying rooted in my current situation.

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Practically speaking, at 9 years of marriage, you are at a critical moment if you are considering divorce.

 

Why? a lot of places consider a marriage of 10 years or more to be a long-term marriage and treat how spousal support is allocated differently ---to the man's detriment-- than short-term marriages.

 

Do not cross that 10-year line without being prepared.

 

If you wuss out and finally divorce at 11 years of marriage you can be paying her spousal support until you die. whereas if you divorced prior to 10 years you might only pay a lesser period of time.

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