Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 2 of 3 FirstFirst 123 LastLast
Results 11 to 20 of 23

Thread: When the wife ignores the husband

  1. #11
    Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2005
    Location
    California
    Posts
    61
    Gender
    Male
    Originally Posted by a teacher and a gentleman
    Married 9 years. Wife is a nurse. I'm a teacher.
    She prefers to hang out with co-workers, church groups, and the kids to spending time with me. I feel ignored, unappreciated, taken for granted. I'm extremely good to her, maybe too good. Maybe that's the problem?
    I've never seriously contemplated cheating on her or divorcing her. But I'm to the point where either of those sounds like valid options to me. Mainly, though, I think I just a pen pal or two in a forum like this. Know what I mean?

    Thanx,
    To me marriage is not about I--but about-- WE!,I think she is being very insensitive to you,Especially if she is not inviting you to join in her in her activities.Trying to change someone is impossible,I would suggest changing yourself.

  2. #12
    Gold Member NJRon's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Location
    New Jersey
    Age
    49
    Posts
    3,090
    Gender
    Male
    I'm with DN on this... wake up call time. You have been doing your part. The fact is, that she isn't meeting your needs. Are you meeting her needs? If you are... and she still falls short on yours, then I think it's time to re-evaluate your position on this marriage. Not to be a homewrecker here, but you obviously have some issues that she is not even acknowledging, let alone addressing.

  3. #13
    Gold Member NJRon's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Location
    New Jersey
    Age
    49
    Posts
    3,090
    Gender
    Male
    Originally Posted by a teacher and a gentleman
    My fear, I suppose, is that she'll say "divorce? I thought you'd never ask!"
    If this were to happen... then it's in your best interest to end it now... prepare yourself for this possibility. If it happens, you'll be fine... if it doesn't, you'll have a better bargaining position.

  4. 04-06-2006, 07:37 PM

  5. #14
    Gold Member WildChild's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Location
    Welcome to the jungle
    Age
    48
    Posts
    1,466
    Gender
    Female
    Whose idea was it first to seek counseling?

  6.  

  7. #15
    Platinum Member tylercdurden2004's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2004
    Location
    Middle East
    Age
    43
    Posts
    3,602
    Gender
    Male
    Originally Posted by a teacher and a gentleman
    Maggie, the therapist said for us to try to meet in the middle--I give her more space, she give me more attention. Well, duh! I paid good money for that, too!

    Yes, we've talked and talked and talked. I'm not one of these silent types. The wife is more silent than me. It's like we have a role reversal marriage. It's like she's the head of the house, in the sense that if we don't do things her way, she is insufferable. So I give and give and give, but sometimes I get tired of being the doormat. I'm not a weenie, just a nice guy. But she and I are not on the same page about priorities.
    This is the probelm I see with therapists sometimes. Its to much of the "two can tango" idea and not enough of the "okay theres a problem here lets deal with it". From what you said you've tried everything, you've backed away and its still not had any effect. Maybe you need to sit her down and give her the choice: them or me. Ultimatums are usually not preferable but sometimes necessary.

  8. #16
    Bronze Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2005
    Location
    SoCal
    Age
    37
    Posts
    739
    Gender
    Female
    I don't know about you, but I get this feeling that she takes you for granted, and she knows it.

    I have a friend who had a partner who was really sweet/supportive towards her. She told me "she wasn't feelin him anymore, and that she likes the overly confident jerky type of guys, and he's not it." I tell her, "You need to break up and be honest with him instead of stringing him along." Her response, "But he treats me so well..."


    It's kind of sad the things people do to another person, when they know that the other person loves them. She took him for granted. I hope your wife realizes how lucky she is.

    I know it's different for you because you're married. I don't think that starting up a pen-pal relationship over the internet with the oppossite sex is the best or smartest action for now - siimply because you don't want to open up another can of worms.

  9. #17
    Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2006
    Location
    georgia
    Age
    54
    Posts
    9
    Gender
    Male

    all such good advice!

    You've all given me good advice. The question is, can I take it? I fear the pain of divorce. Yucky financial problems, splitting up kids and parents, pets, the house. I'm scared I'd be cutting off my nose to spite my face.

    From my experience, you can get over any relationship quickly if you've got a ready replacement. I don't. I guess I'm in search mode right now. At least I'm searching out my options.

    It was her idea last year to seek counseling. She said it was that or divorce. I didn't want the divorce. She's threatened divorce several times in nine years. Her only complaints about me are that I'm clingy to her, don't spend enough time with the kid, and a little stingy with money.

    Yet, I work full time, clean the house, do the yardwork, cook the meals, pick up the kid from school, shuffle him to karate class and whatnot, take care of the pets, and try to manage our budget so we don't rack up massive credit card debt. All I ask for is some of her time and attention. Not all of it. I'm not the jealous type. I just want some of it.

    Sometimes I'm the invisible man at my home. I do all the work and get none of the reward.

  10. #18
    Member onmyownagain's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2005
    Location
    UK (South)
    Age
    51
    Posts
    334
    Gender
    Male
    Wow, I was in a similar position to you six months ago when my wife chucked me out. She had time for everyone else but me and the more I tried to get her attention the more she backed away until she felt suffocated and asked me to move out. (See my previous posts for more details).

    Relationships need to be 50/50, I guess when I moved out it was 90/10 in her favour. Now we are back together it is 60/40 in my favour and things are very different now.

    Sorry to have to say this but it looks as though you are going to be following the same path as me especially if you offer an ultimatum.

  11. #19
    Bronze Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2005
    Location
    SoCal
    Age
    37
    Posts
    739
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by a teacher and a gentleman
    You've all given me good advice. The question is, can I take it? I fear the pain of divorce. Yucky financial problems, splitting up kids and parents, pets, the house. I'm scared I'd be cutting off my nose to spite my face.
    I think your'e right! Most couples who decide to commit adulty, divorce, etc., I notice in the long- run, they are NOT happy. ALL relationships require time, patience, and commitment. Without the commitment, there will NEVER be trust. Everything else falls from there. You'll only find yourself in repeated relationships that don't work out. Cherish the one you already have (I wish she can do that, too!).

    At least she wanted to work things out with you through counseling. At this point, I really think you guys need to find a different way of communicating. I don't know if couple's therapy works, but somehow, I think you BOTH need to put in the effort to listen, respect, understand each other more instead of walking out.

    It doesn't matter if you were only married for 3 years, 5, years, 9 years or 20. The point is, when 2 adults commit to "marriage" it takes on a whole other meaning, especially when you guys have kids involved. Besides, doesn't sound like you guys are at a point where abuse is involved, which is great.

    For now, an ultimatum sounds right. It might be better if you tell her afterwards, that you want to work things out. If she doesn't want to work with you as a "team", then give her the ultimatum, because you can ONLY take so much. If she can't appreciate your love, then she needs to wake up to what's happening. About her mentioning "stingy", I don't know about that. If I sense that a person puts money before the family, love, kids, etc., I usually get turned off. But that's just me.

    Maybe you guys have other underlying issues. Point is - for any relationship to work out, the key ingredient is communication - empathetic listening and honest dialogue. No playing games, no arguing (fights will never resolve anything, because it's based on pride and never gets people anywhere). When two people don't give in and fight like crazy and avoid each other, that's when relationships deteriate. It naturally takes it's course.

    Takes 2 people to build a relationship. Takes 2 people (or one) to break it apart. She needs to realize it.

  12. #20
    Gold Member Meow18's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2004
    Location
    IL
    Age
    34
    Posts
    2,774
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by a teacher and a gentleman
    From my experience, you can get over any relationship quickly if you've got a ready replacement. I don't. I guess I'm in search mode right now. At least I'm searching out my options.
    I don't think this is always true. I mean, I guess if you have developed feelings for someone else, then being with them wouldn't be so bad. But unless you are already over your current partner, it's never easy.

    She has threatened divorce many times? That has to be extremely stressful for you. If she hasn't already divorced you, chances are she really doesn't want it for whatever reason, whether it be the finance issues or she doesn't want to lose you. But do you realize though that that's not part of a healthy relationship?

    What about her made you want to marry her in the first place? What was your relationship like when you first got married?

Page 2 of 3 FirstFirst 123 LastLast

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •