Conversation with the ex

Hello everyone.

I apologize in advance, if this post is long. I just had a rather long, heart to heart conversation with the ex girlfriend. Im not quite sure how I feel about it..

We talked for about an hour. She called this morning (woke me up) and asked that I call this evening. I called her at about 9:00 but it was busy. She then called me at 10:00 asking if I had called, because she had left the phone off the hook.

The conversation started as usual. Small talk. She was excited that she got a paper back with a 91% grade. I told her that it was very good news, and that I am proud of her. She asked how my day was, and I told her that it went well. I asked what her paper was about, and reluctantly, she told me it was about abortions. (For her ethics class.)

Well, one thing led to another, and we ended up talking about our relationship. During this time, we were fairly sexually active. In my opinion, it was healthy, and a great expression of how we felt about eachother. I guess she has taken some time to reflect, and apparently has changed her mind about relationships, and more specifically, sexual activity with relationships. She went on to tell me how in the past, she thought that being sexually active was important to having a successful, commited relationship. But has now come to the conclusion that she will never have sex until she has vowed to spend her life with someone in marriage.

This doesn't bother me at all. My opinion is that IF sexual activity is introduced to a relationship, it can be another tool to show effection, share intimacy and express emotion. But in no way do I believe that sex is required as a cornerstone to a healthy relationship.

So this part of the conversation got me to thinking wether or not she felt an undue pressure from me. We were sexually active fairly early. But it was very mutual. And towards the end, I could sense her tension towards the act of intercourse, which grew a tension between us. I didn't ask her, but if it bothered her, why wouldn't she have said something to me? I like to think that I am understanding. If she was having these revelations during our time together, she should have been open with me about it. It may have confused me, but I would have accepted it. I love her for who she is.

She then started talking about marriage. How she is now more open to the idea. She said that when we were together, she felt pressure to think about it, (from family and the simple fact that she was in a commited relationship). And that pressure scared her. But since being apart, she has had opportunity to explore the idea of marriage with no pressure, and has decided that it IS something she wants. Not the white wedding, or ring, but the vow of partnership for life. Well, if I put a pressure on her to consider it, it wasn't intentional. There is no doubt that I would marry her, but having her come to this conclusion now that its too late, really hurts me.

We also talked about how we are both dealing with being apart, and still being in contact. I guess her dad is on her to drop me for good, as he thinks that what we are doing is unhealthy. She told me that he said, 'get back together, or let him go'.

After she told me that, I felt the tears welling up. I thought for sure I knew what was coming next. I thought that she was going to tell me that we had to say goodbye. But thats not what happened.

She told me that she told her dad to mind his own business. That at this point, we are comfortable with the contact we have, and that things will just be as they are meant to be. She doesn't want to force anything. She said that she is happy that we can still talk, and that she understands that it is hard, because it is still hard on her. I told her I felt the same. That it hurts but its worth it. If it ever stops being worth it, then we'll deal with that when it happens.

We talked more about whats going on in my life. I told her that Im beginning to find a direction, and its exciting. I confessed a realization that I had the other day. That during the last year, I lost myself. That I lost track of making myself a priority. I was in a job that I hated, waiting for her to come up with answers. I then apologized for puting that type of unnecessary pressure on her.

The conversation ended well. She said she misses us, and soon enough we will see eachother again. I told her that I am happy to be able to share this stuff with her. And although I am a little confused, and still hurt, that I appreciate her presense in my life.

And now, sitting here, reflecting on the conversation I have to wonder, why now. Why now that its too late, are we opening up to eachother? Dont get me wrong, it feels great to be saying this stuff to her without regret, or fear of some type of consequence... the timing just seems to be about 6 months off. There is no doubt we still have an astounding respect for eachother. And yes, I still do love her. It just doesn't seem fair, that only once its over, do we begin to reach out.

Thanks for listening yet again.

Closure........

how long ago did you guys break up? How long was the relationship? age?

We broke up on January 2nd. We were together for 3 1/2 years. I am 28, she is 28.

i think its great how you and your ex can remain friends. But when you guys catch up on things...i wouldnt talk about the old relationship. You guys should leave it in the past and move on. Talk about the future or whats going on in each other's lives. Its great how you guys can be completely honest with each other but it doesnt matter. You guys broke up and you need to focus your energy on other things.

This conversation was out of the ordinary. Which is why it affected me so much. Generally, our conversations revolve around things like how school/work is going, how the dog is.

For some reason tonight, we just got into it. She has mentioned on a few occasions that we should be honest, and talk about things, but I have opted to stay away from that, more or less until tonight.

Im not going to lie though. It did feel pretty good to be talking in that capacity again. Intimately. Who knows, maybe it happened because definate emotional distance between her and I is somtheing that we both can't handle.

Who knows. All I know, is that it felt good, and bad at the same time. And it has set my mind on fire tonight. Im not sad, or mad, or angry, or happy... im just filled with thought.

Well, it definitely sounds like shes considdering getting back together, but not by having another realtionship, rather a marraige. Just be very carefull about the sex thing. I know you can't build a relationship on sex, but you can also not build one without it(in the end), and if you previously did it, and it got a bit strained, there must be a reason other than commitment for it....

But I could be wrong, maybe she never felt comfortable with it anyway?

Please remember to look out for YOURSELF now, yes it can be great and refreshing to finally talk, but do you really want to go back, undo all the hard work that got you where you are now?

No.

I dont think its about getting back together. I think what she told me tonight has to do more with her dealing with some of her issues. I am proud of her for it.

I think she is just genuinely trying to be open and communicative towards me in a friendly capacity. Maybe more than just friendly, as we both understand that we still have a special bond. These are the things that should have been dealt with while we were together. We both put up walls, and hoped things would fix themselves. Well, we all know what happens when you do that. That wall between us kept growing.

And through the whole thing, we still respected eachother. We never argued, we enjoyed eachothers company, but there was tension. I only wish I had the foresight to acknowledge the importance of dealing directly with issues rather than skirt around them.

It's great to hear you had a good conversation with the ex. I know you are asking yourself 'why couldn't we do this while we were together'. I think that both of you have matured, grown, etc, and it's taken this breakup to realize alot of things. I'm of a belief that things happen for a reason and you are growing as a stronger, better individual.

Don't worry about what her Dad or others think. Remember people will offer advice, but only you and your ex know what is best for u2. It was you and her in the relationship and nobody knows or can feel the bond which formed.

I hope this positive conversation is the beginning of many for you and your ex (if you want it of coarse). It may grow into something more powerful and special that before. It may not too. Just take it day by day and keep on moving forward by working on yourself.

On a side note, I thought that me and my ex were making the same head way you and your ex were (talking, communicating, listening etc) until this weekend. She was avoiding my calls and when I talk to her this morning she said the good ol....'we have to talk'. It didn't sound good. She said she will call tonight. I'm sure I'll be writing a painful post on this one!

Pedro.

Thanks for your reply. Its a nice thought, that we are growing as individuals while we are apart. Sure it hurts that we are more open now than we have been before. Too little too late? No one knows.

Im not concerned with what anyone else thinks. I really like her father, and I think he is just voicing his opinion on what he thinks is best for us. But you are right, its only her and I.

This openess is a little strange. On one hand it gives me reason to hope a little. But at the same time, I am trying hard not to let hope rule my process. I still dont call her, and wont start calling her. She said that she would love to receive more emails from me, if I think its an easier way for me to communicate. She also suggested that I call her cellphone if I was uncomfortable calling her at home. But I just cant. Im afraid of pushing her away.

I really want to understand what went wrong, and why. I believe I am beginning to. Who knows where this will take us.

As for your situation, good luck. Stay strong, and keep us posted.

JP

It's easy to have hope after a good conversation. I know I do when I talk with my ex and the conversation is going well. Tell me, do you have conversations that aren't so well and you feel like 'why did I call'? I've had a few of those too with my ex. That's when I do NC. It can be a real rollercoaster ride. I'm sure many on the forum would think it's not wise and I'll get hurt in the end. Who know what is right or wrong. I like to think that you go with what you know!

You are searching for answers of what happened to your relationship and that is normal and I think healthy. It's all a part of the grieving process. I can see that you want to improve yourself so that you're next relationship will be even more magical than before! Just think of finding that someone who can't wait to be with you and want to spend the rest of their life with. It's awesome!

I think it's good you don't want to call her or email her too often. I wish I had your will power. You're on the right road my friend and trust you're gut!

Take care

Hey pedro.

You know, since our break up, I dont think I have once said or done anything that I regretted afterward. Ive been trying hard to not slip up and act on emotions. This is part of the reason I dont call her. Im letting her come to me instead. (For the most part.) Yes, I do email her once in a while, but its usually, short and sweet.

I dont know what Im doing. Im trying to continue to be there for her, but at the same time, not be overly available. You are right, I am searching for answers. And I think they are starting to come clear. But with that, Im trying to either find closure and acceptance that we just CANNOT work, or learn from mistakes, and cross my fingers that she one day might realize that this bond is too special to let go of.

Either way, Im trying to get myself back on track. Hence becoming more involved in hockey, and 'finding myself' in the sense of career choices and so forth.

I dont know whats going to happen, but I know what I want, and what I feel is right. Im trying to fight for it, but not in the traditional sense.

If you want to get back with her, then this sounds very encouraging and taking it slowly like this is the best thing. However, if you know that the relationship is dead and you want to move on, I think such intimacy will probably prevent you from doing so in the long run.

I empathise with the position you are in. My girlfriend of 2 years and I broke up 5 weeks ago, and we were out the other night for a mutual friend's birthday and we were getting on famously - there was a spark again, and we flirted and made the kind of in-jokes we had when we were together. This gave me hope though. Last night, we went to the cinema, and afterwards I asked her if I was right in thinking there was a spark between us the previous night. She said yes, but that it didn't mean anything - she was just happy that we are still friends.

So you see, unless I can really convince myself emotionally, not just rationally, that this is the end, then I won't be able to spend time with her. We get on so well and click and have fun, and unless I can keep in mind that there is no hope, I will always come away from spending time with her with a beacon of desire and optimism which will ultimately prevent me from moving my life on.

So unless there is hope, unless there is a real and genuine chance of you getting back together, then I think intimate contact is a dangerous game, unless (somehow) you have the strength/wisdom/calm to accept 100% that the intimacy is not indicative of a future between you two. Without that basic acceptance, you will be hurt massively if and when she moves on and you see her with another man.

Melatonin,

At this stage, neither of us are sure whats going to happen in the future. She has made it clear that she doesn't want to force anything. What will be will be. Yes hope is so very dangerous. And as I've mentioned before I am doing my best not to let hope control me. I wont deny that there I still have hope, but I am trying to avoid being blinded by it.

Our intimacy is in conversations only. I havent seen her in almost two months, so spending time with her and being mislead in that capacity is nearly impossible. We will be seeing eachother soon, as her school year is almost over and she has mentioned that she misses us, (me and our dog) and would really like to spend a day with us.

So when that time comes, I'll be strong. Until then, I will continue to search myself, and be open with her.

I applaud you for being so lucid about your feelings and how to control them, and I wish you the best of luck!

I think many a relationship (in the broad sense) has been wasted by our inability to have control - and it's so sad that for most people, every lover they ever have will become a stranger, except the last one. It's horrible to think that for most of us a relationship has only two possible outcomes.

You seem to have the strength to avoid that problem, however. Best of luck with your lady!

Thanks Melatonin

I really appreciate your well wishes. I am trying my best to remain strong. But I still have horrible days. Last weekend I was a mess. But I didn't let it seize control of my head, and try to reach out to her while I was overcome with these emotions.

You are so right about it being sad that most relationships have mostly only two possible outcomes. It is tremendously hard to be happy in that elusive third outcome.... friendship. In most cases, based on how things end it is usually not an option.

It was, and still is my dream to spend the rest of my life with her, as partners. If that just doesn't end up being an option, then I will work my hardest to salvage at the very least, a wonderful friendship. Completely separating from eachother's lives would be a tragedy. If we can't be lovers, should the fact that we were once lovers stand in the way of a friendship? I realize that it's easier said than done. And feelings will want to get in the way. But when I put the consequences of staying friends, or saying goodbye forever in perspective, it is obvious that staying friends would be the best choice.

Ive said it before, plain and simple.. she is worth it.

It's nice to hear some optimism in what is a sea of pessimism (this site). Don't get me wrong, the site is fantastic and is and has been a great help to me, but part of me really believes that the 'rules' don't blindly apply to every situation - relationships are just as unique as the people who have them, so it is a tragedy if a special connection is lost by applying overly simplistic, generalised rules that don't account for the infinite nuances of life.

Good luck, I hope perhaps to follow in your footsteps!

relationships are just as unique as the people who have them, so it is a tragedy if a special connection is lost by applying overly simplistic, generalised rules that don't account for the infinite nuances of life.

Very well said.

While 'relationship' is a word that descibes the involvement of sorts between two people, by no means is a relationship that simple. So many circumstances and 'nuances' shape and influence the nature of these relationships so that every single one is unique. What is true, and works for one, will not necessarily hold true for another.

What I like most about this site, is the wide range of advice, ideas and perspectives offered. Everyone has their own opinion, thus giving me the opportunity to 'weigh' these options, ideas and opinions that I may otherwise have overlooked, or simply not thought of.

Good or bad, dreams coming true, or moving on.. in the end, I will have learned a lot about myself.

I agree with both you two

Every relationship is unique and means differently to each individual. I haven't been able to do the strict no contact rule with my ex. We both haven't because it's not that simple with us. The fact that we care about each other and for each other's well beings speaks volumes about the relationship we had (or have now) I'm trying to take things slow, but my emotions do get the best of me sometimes. That can be a dangerous thing too. Jason, I applude you're self control with your emotions. It's not easy sometimes and I've called the ex when I'm not so strong and it's never good.

I believe in having hope! Otherwise, this world would be a very sad place to live.

Keep strong, healthy, and happy!

hey Jjasonn you're doing the right thing, dont let ur emotions get the best of u. I did, and now I'm hoping we can salvage our 8yr friendship. Though I feel we can eventually as it's even hard for him now to stay away even though he's very mad at me, I know it'll be very hard to do. To think a few days ago, everything was beautiful and wonderful. I'm female unfortunately and sometimes we let our emotions jusdge our actions. I know better now, and trying to let it not get the best of me even now so I'm ignoring all his phone calls, just so there's no further damage with arguments.

NubianLove

Thanks for your complimentary words. It really is challenging sometimes, to fight off the emotional urges to 'react'. I do find that it is getting a little easier... day by day. When my heart starts to scream, there are a couple things I do to stop myself from making an ill advised phonecall.

The first thing I do, is get outside. Even for 5 minutes. I'll take my dog out and just THINK about what is bothering me. I will think about the possible consequences of reacting on that emotion, and USUALLY that will settle my heart down enough that I can continue to feel those emotions, but constructively begin to analyze why I am feeling them.

However, in some cases, I am so worked up, that my mind just cannot take reign. So, I come to Enotalone. I will post here. I find that once I've gotten things off of my chest, (reacting to the emotions) I feel much, MUCH better. And instead of me spewing this stuff in an emotional craze over the phone to my ex, I have calmly rationalized my emotions in the time it takes to type them out.

This site has really been a crutch for me. Dont get me wrong though, not every thread I start is a result of an emotional breakdown

I dont know much about your situation, but 8 years is a long time. It is so very hard to control those urges, especially in the beginning. Try to stay strong, and calm. And when you lose yourself, try to understand that the worst thing you can do, is contact him. Especialy in that moment.

Good luck to you.

JP

Hello all.

I didn't want to start a new thread about these conversations, so I figured I would post it here. (For those of you following my story.)

She signed on to MSN today, and sent me a message right away. Now, this may or may not just seem like a typical conversation, which is why I wouldn't mind some opinions. It has left me feeling pretty good. Able to smile and really enjoy my day.. so here it is.

Her: Hi babe!!

Me: Hi.

Her: Nice picture - was that at the hockey hall of fame?

Me: yep

Her: wow, you look great. Nice coat

Me: I felt great thanks!

Her: I am at the library again. Yet again. Have I actually left?

Me: you are a trooper

Her: Yeah... I am geting there. Sorry I have not been around to follow up our conversation from the other night.

Me: Its quite alright. No need to apologize.

Her: I bought a phone card yesterday so that we could talk, and then I never ended up using it.

Me: Phonecard?

Her: A bell phonecard. My cell keeps dying so I stoppped carrying it around with me.

Me: ahh.

Her: It looks really, really nice out. Every time I get this spot I dont' want to give it up, so I end up just sitting here for hours without getting up. It is one of the few times when I wished I had friends to sit with, so they can watch my stuff when I take a break. It is so much work to move my 'desk' every time I need to use the washroom

Me: Yeah, that would be a pain.

Her: So when I take my dinner break I will pack my stuff up and come call you...

Me: Okay. If you are to busy you don't have to.

Her: That is my favourite Pearl Jam song you are listening to right now.

Me: I know, I love it to.

Her: You knew that I love it

Me: Yup. We used to listen to it all th time.

Her: Oh yeah, in the truck and in the living room.

Me: Yep

Her: Cool. So I will give you a call a little later okay? Give Parker a great big hug. I really miss you guys - thats for sure.

Me: Well, its no secret that we miss you too. I wil give him a hug for you. Have a great afternoon. Talk to you soon.

Her: Okay. You too, bye.

Me: Bye.

So there it is. Any thoughts? Insights? Im not fishing for anything in particular. Just sharing what I would consider a typical conversation is. Anything that jumps out?

Thanks guys.

JP

I'll give a more considered answer later, but all I would say for now is it's always different when you see them in person. One can't account for emotional responses to what we see.. I'm about to go to the pub with a group of friends including my ex, and I'm dreading what I feelings I might come away with.

JP....Nothing "particular" jumped out in that conversation. I think you handled it well...but to ME it just sounds like you are a security blanket for her.

I think you being there for her anytime she feels like talking to you is more of a detriment in the long run....sorry.

Lady bugg.

No need to apologize I am here for opinions. And yours counts just as much as any other. Being able to take different perspectives, and examine the situation I think is really helping in this process. I guess Im just curious by nature. Perhaps a little to overanalytical for my own good, nevertheless learning is something I enjoy.

If I can learn more about myself, about emotions, about the nature of relationships, (more specifically the role I play)... then the better off I will be.

Thanks for your words!

JP