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"Balancing Act" advice needed


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Hello again folks, and I hope all's well.

 

Well, I've been posting on here for almost 5 months now, and am almost back to my "old self". It's taken a lot of hard work, discipline etc (getting out and about and meeting new people was particularly hard).

 

I am currently on LC with my ex which is going very well (unlike 5 months ago, I don't burst into tears or have sleepless nights after seeing him). I have also joined a few dating websites.

 

However, one thing is worrying me slightly:

 

My ex e-mailed me last night inviting me out to the cinema with him, and he'd also like to go and see a play and go to a music festival with me.

 

Although we're both on the same dating site at the moment, I still get the impression that he's interested in some form of "re-try": there's a definite connection between us. Of course, action speaks louder than words, and other than inviting me to do things with him he hasn't made any mention of trying again. Also, the fact that he has joined a dating site should be telling me something...

 

My question is this: should I continue to go out with him as friends while at the same time dating? Is this possible? Or is it an impossible balancing act? We see each other once a week / every two weeks - I definitely feel I'm ready to meet new people, yet at the same time I wouldn't say no to a re-try with my ex.

 

Am I setting myself up for a disaster? I also don't want to hurt anyone in the process.

 

Pikey

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My advice is to quit with your ex , you already tried + failed that one. And there's no proof that it would work out again. thereforeeee it would be interesting for you to try something new, quit the virtual on-line dating , you want to meet REAL people in REAL life. Because on-line can mean half accross the globe, you have no idea who or what you are dealing with + if you meet someone you'd usually have to get an airline ticket, because distances DO matter. Because of that you might hear people say that on-line dating is for losers ,or shy people. And there's a real core of truth in that i have to say.

 

My suggestion is to get yourself a nice guy within your circle of reach.

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Many thanks Robowarrior - I forgot to mention that I'm meeting my first date next week (my online dating site also lists people in my local area), so fingers crossed!

 

I guess I'm finding it hard to cut ties with my ex as we get on very well and have a lot of common interests - I'm friends with two other exes, and I don't like to lose contact with people I like. I'm probably making things more difficult for myself than I ought to...

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Yes, you are. True friends can not talk for years and then pick up right where they left off. If you are trying to be friends with him because of your ego (you pride yourself on being friends with exes) then be wary.

 

There's nothing wrong with taking a complete break and checking in with each other a year or so down the line.

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Pikey,

 

I would talk to your ex and say that unless he is willing to try again that you cannot go out as friends right now. Tell him that you are getting mixed messages and that you just want to lay your cards on the table, no game playing. It sounds confusing to me and I am not even in the relationship. He obviously still cares for you and wants to see you (even if just as friends) but he needs to let you be for awhile. If he is dating and you are ready to date then keeping in contact is not fair for the people that you guys are going to go out with.

 

Go on your date and have a good time, try not to think about the ex and what his asking you out might mean.

 

Good Luck

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Many thanks everyone. Yes, you're right: it's all very confusing and at times I don't know whether I'm coming or going - my ex initiates contact and I find it hard to ignore him as I still like him immensely and don't want to lose him as a friend.

 

But as you say NJRon, true friends can go for months not talking to each other and then pick up the thread again.

 

Thanks Nathalie - I'm trying not to read anything into his actions, and am looking forward to the date (albeit nervous!)

 

How are you getting on?

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Before you go further, I think it is important to ask the question:

- If he wants to re-try or just want to be friends?

- What do you want? To be his gf or just his friend?

Whatever it is, you two need to be on the same page to work it out.

 

You have worked hard to find your happy self. Think what is the best for YOU right now. Hope you all the best, Pikey.

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Hello there possibiliti, and how are you doing?

 

1 - I'm not sure at the moment what he wants (the last time we discussed our relationship, three months ago, he said he was "confused" and worried because of two failed re-tries in the past with ex girlfriends): he invited me to a film last Sunday and also invited me to the pub afterwards to meet up with his old flatmate. It went very well and he joked around a lot yet also seemed a little nervous (stammered and giggled a lot).

 

I mentioned on Sunday that I'd been to see a few other films lately, and he said it was a shame I didn't invite him along as he would have liked to have joined me. At times it's difficult to know how to handle Limited Contact: friends have advised me to let him initiate ALL the contact, yet he seems very happy for me to contact him and come up with suggestions. When we were girlfriend / boyfriend, he commented on the fact that he liked "pro-active women" and that he liked the fact I came up with ideas.

 

Anyways, I know I shouldn't read anything into these "signs" - confusion is certainly not a sign of commitment ;-)

 

2 - Ideally, I would like to re-kindle our relationship. However, if friendship is all it's ever going to be, then that's fine too. I've finally reached the point where I'm able to meet up with him without breaking down afterwards / having sleepless nights / not eating properly. I'm definitely not going to pressure him into "trying again". All I can do is make every encounter a positive one, both for me and for him.

 

I also feel ready to go back on the dating scene and meet new people: I'm taking it very slowly, and am initially only meeting people who are looking for "friendship initially" (this particular dating site gives daters a range of "relationship options", from Friendship to Serious Relationship to Marriage - I'm avoiding the latter two categories for the time being)

 

Thanks again everyone for your advice and suggestions, it means a lot to me (even if I don't always follow the advice!). ;-)

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I'm definitely not going to pressure him into "trying again". All I can do is make every encounter a positive one, both for me and for him.

 

And that's the best action that you could possibly take Pikey. Just be in his life and a positive force within it. We are attracted to those that make us feel good....either as friends or as something more.

 

If you can avoid the 'friendship basket' then obviously the chances of you being the 'something more' are in your favour.

 

You're doing great

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Many thanks Majord - sorry to ask yet more questions, but I would value your insight into two things...

 

1) As I mentioned above, my ex seems to appreciate being invited along to events (I wasn't aware of this until he mentioned it was a shame we didn't see the other films together). Should I initiate contact occasionally?

 

2) What is your opinion of dating new people?

 

I don't want to hurt anyone and want to give myself time to find a "suitable match", which is why I'm going the "Friends" route initially on this dating website. Is this a good / healthy thing to do?

 

How are you doing, by the way?

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Many thanks Majord - sorry to ask yet another question, but what is your opinion of dating new people?

 

I don't want to hurt anyone and want to give myself time to find a "suitable match", which is why I'm going the "Friends" route initially on this dating website. Is this a good / healthy thing to do?

 

How are you doing, by the way?

 

Doing really well thanks Pikey

 

Date new people when you feel ready to do so, but if you are scared of hurting them then it's probably an indication that you aren't ready.

 

Also, if you feel that you aren't ready to date others *because* of still being in touch with your ex, then you have to get your head around that. While I advocate staying in touch if you are seeking a second chance, it shouldn't prevent you from moving on...you could be missing out on something great.

 

Staying in touch with an ex is akin to putting *them* on the back-burner - not holding out for an immediate second chance, whilst not closing the door on it if circumstances permit it later on.

 

I hope that makes sense?

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Good to hear you're doing well, MajorD, that's excellent news

 

Yes, it all makes sense - I'm putting my ex on the back-burner / moving on for now without closing the door completely.

 

The reason I mentioned hurting people is because of a date I went on a few months ago. After this one meet, my "dater" wanted me to go out with him immediately, and I didn't feel he was "right" for me so I said "I'm sorry, but [...]". He was very upset by this and kept e-mailing me.

 

So in a nutshell, I'm not afraid of hurting them necessarily because of my ex, but because of turning them down if I feel they're not right for me. I've always found this the hardest part of dating, saying no to people and letting them down politely (I've had the same happen to me and I didn't find it a nice experience!).

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Also MajorD, is it OK to initiate contact with my ex occasionally, and invite him to certain events?

 

I don't want to do this on a regular basis, but he said he liked to know if there was any interesting going on.

 

Apologies for all the questions!

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Haha - that's ok Pikey

 

I personally wouldn't be asking him to meet up too often - the more you do so, the less effort *he* has to make to see you. Also, if you are asking him out then it is also a big sign to him that you aren't involved with anyone else. Avoid giving him too much security if possible.

 

My advice is to mix it up a bit - be available at times, unavailable at others....invite him somewhere that you both like one time...and the next time don't.

 

You have to be a bit of an enigma Pikey - don't let him feel too comfortable about where he stands with you. If he does, that's when you start to become a friend...or even worse, a back-up plan.

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Many thanks MajorD, that all makes good sense - I've also got to the stage now where I have enough outside interests to keep me occupied, so I'm not relying on my ex to keep me busy.

 

I guess that's the key to "happiness" - to do things that keep you focussed and happy, rather than depending on another person for happiness.

 

Thanks again MajorD

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NJRon, congratulations by the way on passing the 10,000 mark!

 

Hehe... I haven't come close to that That's DN.

 

Major has given you some good advice. As for the dating vs. friends issue on dating sites. You should go for what you think you want and, it sounds like you want dating. If someone gets upset with being told that it's not working out after just one date, then that's their problem. There's nothing wrong with it at all. The first few dates are just "getting to know you to see if we want to continue" dates anyway.

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Oops, sorry NJRon, I got completely confused there - I thought your number of posts were 12,999! Blush...(where are the smileys when you need them?!?)

 

Thanks also for the advice - yes, I agree, the first few dates are definitely the "getting to know you" phase.

 

My first date's over-reaction certainly put me off dating for a few months! (he also lives locally and is a friend-of-a-friend, which made things even more awkward for a while)

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Hello again folks, and I hope all's well.

 

Well, it's now Wednesday, which means I'm on a date tonight! Must admit I'm a bit nervous, and hope my date isn't too serious / comes on too strong. It's quite a formal setting (a restaurant), but I'll try to keep it light and fun and not take it too seriously. A friend commented that it's a bit like looking for a house and assessing "all the features" - it made me laugh!

 

I haven't heard from my ex since I saw him on Sunday - I find it hard not to contact him, but am taking your advice on board, MajorD! ;-) It's only been a few days, after all, and I have to put him on the back burner for now and keep moving on.

 

Will post an update tomorrow!

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Good for you Pikey

 

Don't worry about things that you can't control (whether your date will come on too strong etc.) Just look at it as making a new friend...and if there is something *else* there, then all the better.

 

I'm going 'house hunting' myself tonight....looking for something with a nice little back yard, a verandah out the front....just as long as the attic isn't empty

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Before I forget MajorD, are you still in touch with your ex? If so, how do you find it's going?

 

And how many questions can I fit into one paragraph? ;-)

 

 

 

Sent an email a couple of days ago after 4 weeks NC Pikey - no response yet...which is ok. Will keep y'all updated.

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Hello again folks, and how are things today? Well, just a quick update on my "house hunting" adventure!

 

My date was very nice and easy to talk to, but we're very different people (thank goodness! I'd hate to meet another me lol!) - he loves cities and fast cars, whereas I'm happiest rummaging around the countryside in my old clothes and knackered 10-year old VW.

 

So we decided to be friends and meet up occasionally for walks.

 

It actually felt really good to date again - I managed to "treat" my date objectively (i.e. not compare him to my ex - I didn't even think about the ex!) and it did my confidence the world of good.

 

Best of all, I've made a new friend!

 

How did you get on on your house hunting expedition, MajorD?

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