Male friends: Is it possible?

I need help from the guys out there

I've recently fallen into a bit of a pattern. I MUST be giving off some kind of vibe that is inviting male "friends" to make passes and assume that I'm romantically interested. I am very much naïve when it comes to this; throughout my teenage years up through my early-mid twenties, I've had male friends who I later learn are romantically interested in me. Not only is this unsettling, but it leaves me feeling very awkward and guilty.

I am naturally friendly, outgoing, and playful with men. I grew up with two older brothers who either bugged the crap out of me, or were very protective. I LIKE the company of a male friend, and I'm slowly realizing that this may NEVER be possible.

How does one avoid this and still keep male friends? My boyfriend says that I will never be able to have a male friend who is single. He tells me that the ONLY way a guy would want to be "friends", is if he's married, in a long-term relationship and is happy, or if he's gay.

I can't bring myself to believe this but I probably should to save myself a lot of time.

Any ideas? Opinions? Advice? Please? lol

I agree with what your boyfriend said, it is pretty much the truth I have found.

So many posts on here are the same theme, guy gets more and more in love with a girl, girl just wants to be friends.... over and over, and yet the girls can do the friendship thing without getting their heart involved so easily. It hurts so much that I wish the girl would be up front right from the start and not go the friendship route... if there is no hope for love then she shouldn't lead my heart on.

and yes, simply being 'friend-ly' counts as leading on, as friendship is the basis for a proper relationship anyway, and it grows every day between a man and a woman

I have male friends, most of which are not interested beyond friendship. There will always be those guys who want to take advantage of a friendship and make it into a jumping off point for a serious relationship. It makes me uncomfortable when guys you thought were friends are acting like there should be more to your relationship. I don't like to reject them because they are friends and I don't want to hurt their feelings, but at the same time its not fair to me that they try to use our friendship to get more from me. There are guys I know will never try that, but the ones that I feel are questionable, I make sure not to give them signs that there is anything beyond friendship.

I've had women as platonic friends while married and as a singleton.

Maybe you're just too hot for guys to resist.

I think it is possible. I'd like to think so anyway

that shows how big of a gap there is between expectations between the sexes

carnelian sounds exactly like the friend that is destroying my heart inside

she said the same thing 'I was careful not to give signs beyond friendship'!! they don't realize that they are giving all the signs a guy needs to have that hope and every day the guy falls more and more head over heels

that shows how big of a gap there is between expectations between the sexes

 

carnelian sounds exactly like the friend that is destroying my heart inside

 

she said the same thing 'I was careful not to give signs beyond friendship'!! they don't realize that they are giving all the signs a guy needs to have that hope and every day the guy falls more and more head over heels

Firstly, I'd like to state that I've been in a relationship for almost three years, and the guy has MET and hung out with my boyfriend.

It hurts so much that I wish the girl would be up front right from the start and not go the friendship route... if there is no hope for love then she shouldn't lead my heart on.

The problem with this, is that most women have NO IDEA that you're hoping for more than friendship. We just don't think that you're interested in that, because WE'RE not and wouldn't be.

I know for a fact that I haven't given off ANY sexual/ romantic vibes to this guy. He's met my boyfriend, is NICE to my boyfriend, and even asks about how he is on a regular basis.

In this case, I really wouldn't assume that the guy was interested. In fact, it's insulting to me that he would even sandbag, expecting that something's going to happen.

Honestly – if a girl has a boyfriend, and you've met him, what kind of guy REALLY sits around hoping that she'll just leave her boyfriend of three years for a relationship with a guy she's expressed nothing more than friendliness … friendliness that she extends to EVERY person around her, male and female?

Man oh man … sometimes you guys read way too much into your friendships, lol

P.S.: Please don't sit around waiting for a girl to dump her boyfriend for you. Even if she seems unhappy, just don't go there.

and yes, simply being 'friend-ly' counts as leading on, as friendship is the basis for a proper relationship anyway, and it grows every day between a man and a woman

I'm sorry you feel this way, but really, you can't blame someone for extending kindness that is within her own character. Does a woman have to be a condescending witch to deter you? Honestly?

and your slant on the 'take advantage of our friendship to try and use it as a jumping board to a relationship' sounds so hostile towards the male heart

what good is a relationship if it can't be based on the sound ground of friendship too?

and the tone sounds sort of like 'how dare you think you had a shot with me, thought you could trick me into actually thinking you were worthy', in other words, you reject the guy outright, then you think he is taking advantage of friendship to still have hope

I don't think its fair to say that being friendly counts as leading on and that if its questionable just don't give the signs. That's like saying, don't be yourself in case the guy thinks you like him cuz if that's what he thinks, it must be your fault. I disagree.

I am very friendly and that's just who I am. Guys have very often mistaken that for advances but that's not my fault. I'm just being myself. I'm not prancing around naked or rubbing up against them or anything. I'm just being my nice, fun, flirty self.

If and when guys mistake that, I explain very clearly that i am only interested in a friendship. I have been told time and time again by guys that men and women can't "really" be friends because eventually sexual feelings will develop.

I don't believe that entirely, but mostly.

Watch When Harry Met Sally.

"guys very often"

that says it all, and yet you still accept no fault in the matter

just read the 'waiting for a girl to dump her boyfriend' comment and that is so true to life, I did exactly that, it is only respect to just be friends with a girl that has a boyfriend, and hope that you will get a chance some day... I think that happens all the time

and the tone sounds sort of like 'how dare you think you had a shot with me, thought you could trick me into actually thinking you were worthy', in other words, you reject the guy outright, then you think he is taking advantage of friendship to still have hope

You've obviously had a pretty bad experience with this subject. I am respectful of that.

I don't think that Carmelia had a condescending tone. It actually IS disappointing to have a male friend take a romantic interest in you without you actually realizing it - and it ruins the friendship with no possibility of recovering. After this weekend, I will NEVER look at this guy the same way or consider him a "friend".

When you find out that a guy who has been your "friend" for months is waiting for you to break up with your boyfriend so he can slide into his shoes, it IS insulting. It DOES hurt to find this out. And the guy can blame nobody but himself!

another example of the difference between the sexes

women seem often offended by the fact that a guy has hopes for more in the back of his mind

men are always impressed and happy to find out that a girl has hopes to get with them

I don't understand how kindness, friendliness and being considerate translate to "giving off signs". If a woman did that to another woman, I don't think it would automatically be decided that she must be hitting on the other person.

I would never intentionally lead someone on I was definitely not interested in, and certainly not when I am in a relationship, however there have been times I too have found myself with a male friend/accquaintance pursuing me for more, even when they clearly KNOW I am with someone as I have always been very upfront about being involved and absolutely committed to someone. I have had to stop talking to a couple former male friends because they ended up disrespecting me and my relationship by saying they would "wait" until I was single....I have VERY little respect for someone whom would do that honestly.

And the fact is I never led them on, I never promised more then friendship, I never went on dates with them, or led them to believe I was looking for anything from it.

There is a huge difference between a male friend whom has interest in you but is respectful of YOUR feelings and the fact you ARE involved with someone, and someone whom is just waiting for it to end, or sabotaging things. I know a guy whom used to be a friend and give "advice" to a girl friend of his, advising her she could do better and so forth...then when she broke it off at his insistence, he swooped in and snapped her up.

Having said that, I HAVE had a couple male friends that were straight and single and neither of us had any interest in one another as we were just not one another's type at all. And friendship WAS possible. And my boyfriend too has some female friends whom I completely trust as platonic friends only. So it does happen, but it does seem to be some tricky territory from time to time!

Well, just to chime in here. I've had a female friend that I just considered a good bud for a long time. Over time though, as I got to know her better, my feelings for her changed. I didn't plan it, I didn't mean for it to happen, it just did. Being single throughout the entire friendship didn't help either. So I did the respectful thing and I told her my feelings towards her and I also told her that I didn't expect anything, but I thought that she should know the truth and where I stood.

Was that wrong of me? I don't think so. I'm 100% honest with my friends/family/GFs so I didn't think I was doing something wrong. She did though, she distanced herself so far from me that we eventually stopped being friends. I don't blame her, but I wasn't thrilled about it either. After all, she was my friend first, everything else second.

My point. If you're a good kind woman, having single male friends is going to be a problem for you. ESPECIALLY if you're attractive. Most men try to fight it, but in the end, we'll start to have feelings for you. It's inevitable. If the men are taken or gay, then that changes. What if's don't really enter into their minds and they can remain just friends. That's why some men are a little wary of women with lots of single guy friends too. They know that at least a few of them have entertained romantic feelings about their girlfriends before but most likely never said anything about it. lol

wow, very well said Lonelyinasmalltown

I just went through almost EXACTLY what you described

hopefully women can start to understand, because it is in our hearts, so it is not just something that can be avoided

I wish I could be as lucky as you people and have male friends who are romantically interested in me. I usually get stuck in the situation where I may be interested in a guy but then the guy only wants a friendship. Had that happen a few times and that isnt fun at all.

But, I do think that men and women can be friends without the hassle/worry of romantic interests. But, that has to be spelled out in the beginning so that no one gets mislead. I have guy friends. Unfortuanetly, most of them are gay, so they wouldnt have any interest in me. But, I do think men and women can be friends.

That's why some men are a little wary of women with lots of single guy friends too. They know that at least a few of them have entertained romantic feelings about their girlfriends before but most likely never said anything about it. lol

Thats how i am towards all my gf's friends....i know they're single...and i have a feeling they're all thinking things i'd really rather they wouldn't.

but also like you said...you can't really help it if feelings start DEVELOPING during the course of the friendship.

Thats actually how my gf and i started up...really good friends...and then we just started having feelings towards each other...and it's turned out prety well for us. so far.

*gives a dirty eye to all her single guy friends*

But, I do think that men and women can be friends without the hassle/worry of romantic interests. But, that has to be spelled out in the beginning so that no one gets mislead

It has nothing to do really with misleading really. If I become friends with a woman I know she only wants to be just friends and that's it. I respect that. Still, sometimes feelings grow and we just can't help it. I know I've tried denying my feelings and ignoring them but in the end it just hurt me. So I told her the truth about my feelings and left it in her hands.

I think the thing that some women fail to understand is that it's not a conscious decision on our part if we start to fall for our female friends. Most of the time we fight it for all we're worth because we know it will come to no good. But the heart wants what the heart wants. Emotions can't be turned off like a switch.

then it hurts us even more when the girl gets hostile and thinks we are somehow scum for the way our hearts feel

the friendship gets ruined, life turns upside down, happens over and over again

and it is always the same quote from the woman "how could you hope for more, I NEVER gave any indications that I was interested in more".... if they only knew

I think the thing that some women fail to understand is that it's not a conscious decision on our part if we start to fall for our female friends. Most of the time we fight it for all we're worth because we know it will come to no good. But the heart wants what the heart wants. Emotions can't be turned off like a switch.

i think this the KEY idea! well said!

I am naturally friendly, outgoing, and playful with men. I grew up with two older brothers who either bugged the crap out of me, or were very protective. I LIKE the company of a male friend, and I'm slowly realizing that this may NEVER be possible.

I've seen your photos on the photo sticky post here and don't take this the wrong way, but you are drop-dead gorgeous. Seriously...

You combine this with a friendly, outgoing, playful attitude and of course men will be attracted to you! You're cursed, what can I say...

What can you do about it? And still be yourself? Early on, make it very clear by telling them you are only after friendship...