Anyone happily alone?

My question isn't about sex.

After being here a while, all this drama has me seriously doubting the value of relationships. Looking back at my marriage reveals a number of illusions that vaporized as I healed, and a string of often costly compromises.

Does anyone here have some suggestions for living the simple life?

Is anyone here content to avoid hurting or being hurt and choose to be alone?

I'm fully aware how my question must come accross, but I'm honestly asking.

Not surprisingly, this must not be a lucrative subject for the self-help industry.

*Raising hand.

I'm content to be single. Sure, should something come along, I'll take it. But until then I'm perfectly content to be on my own. When its right, things will fall into place. Won't be a risk, it'll be right.

Even being content alone though involves being hurt and hurting others at times. It's unavoidable. The key is what you do afterwards, how you handle it.

But really, no one is every alone. We are all connected together. (Universal consciousness) Even if it's not a relationship, we aren't alone.

PS. And thats why I have a problem with the self help industry, taking money for helping people out. I mean, its called "self help" so really, why are we paying others for what we ourself end up doing?

I have no experience of being alone for a long time. But my aunt, a teacher, never married and said that she was happy and fulfilled. I had no reason to disbelieve her, she certainly seemed to keep herself busy, had many friends and a comfortable home.

one thing that i must add is to think about is that is this website not a place for people with troubles to come?i do not see the happy ones on here complaining of problems, so all the comers are unhappy. on the contrary, i believe that if being alone is what make you happy then you must pursue this. if not you will be in a situation where you will have much stress both on your psych and your body. i do not wish to give advice on psychological approach to this, because i am not PHd but a Medical doctor. in south africa we use sometimes what is in english called a Spartan Lifestyle. i am certain there are publications somewhere on this type of living.

one thing that i must add is to think about is that is this website not a place for people with troubles to come?

Good point. If this site is about showing people they are not alone, it would follow that most are not happy being alone. So chances are you aren't going to get many positive responses on being alone.

You know I spent about 18 months being single when I went through a nasty breakup about 6 years ago. At first I was very lonely, but then I really began to enjoy spending time alone, doing what I wanted to do when I wanted to do it, and not having to consider anyone else (in terms of a partner, I mean). I could go shopping, read, watch a movie, go with friends for drinks, it was nice.

I really quite enjoyed it.

Getting through the breakup is the tough part, being on your own once you are over it can be lots of fun.

Having said that I am in a solid relationship with my live in guy and have been for over 3 years now and wouldn't trade it for anything. I still get my "me" time whenever I need it and our "us" time when we both want.

Of the moutain of self-help books I've read, I can only recall a handful that suggested that being happily single is a viable life choice, so you're right in thinking that it's not a lucrative market. I don't think the majority want to buy that "happily single" is a viable life choice.

In some ways, being "happily single" really forces you to deal with yourself. There's no one else around to blame. I don't think some people are ready (or will ever be ready) to take that kind of responsibility for themselves and their life.

Which is a pity, really. I believe that it IS a viable life choice and has as many positives and negatives as living as part of a couple (married or not).

Anyway, the book that changed my view of "happily single" as a viable life choice is "Love 101: To Love Oneself Is The Beginning Of A Lifelong Romance" by Peter McWilliams. I haven't seen anything else quite like it in terms of promoting the idea that being happily single is not only possible, but as desirable a life choice as being married or otherwise coupled.

Thanks S2S!

I'll look for it tonight.

Define alone? I am single, but I am going out. Just enjoying the moment. The tranquility comes. In the past, when I was not in a relationship, I felt really lonely. I went through a lot of growth after my last breakup and don't really feel that way anymore.

I greatly simplified my life. I got rid of almost all my things and sold my house and moved into a one-bedroom. I actually know where everything is now and everything I have I use.

I found the booc "Voluntary Simplicity" to be really helpful for me. It spoke to more than just simplifying, but changed my perception.

After being here a while, all this drama has me seriously doubting the value of relationships. Looking back at my marriage reveals a number of illusions that vaporized as I healed, and a string of often costly compromises.

Does anyone here have some suggestions for living the simple life?

Is anyone here content to avoid hurting or being hurt and choose to be alone?

What!?! Et tu, Dako? No, I don't have suggestions for living the simple life, either as a free agent or a coupled one. Life isn't simple...its complications are 9/10 of its charm. Sigh. What are the chances that this disillusionment is part of your healing process, my friend?

I'm perfectly content being single at this point in my life, to be honest.

I don't exclude the possibility of having a relationship again, if the opportunity arises, or I become inclined to look for one, but really I am, probably more than most, quite happily occupied in my own space and with my own agenda, as that fits in the context of the web of work and familial responsibilities (ie, my son). And I think it's quite possible for others to be happy being single.

I do think that the self-help industry is largely based around the assumption that everyone needs to be in a relationship to be fulfilled. And it's also true that many people who are in relationships don't really understand how one can be fuflfilled and content not being in one, but at the end of the day it's about what you want from life, and how you want to live your own life. And only you can tell what you find fulfilling and why.

Define alone? .

No dating.

Ohwell.. haven't done that in a while

Actually, I have lots of resources I know of on the web that talks about the simple life in terms frugal eating, spending, and cutting down on a consumerist lifestyle.

But I sense your question is about how to be content being single forever. I don't have the answer to that one, plus Dako - you're a born romantic, I'm afraid. I really don't think you should take yourself permanently off the market. Some lucky lady is really gonna miss out.

That being said, it's certainly a time in your life where you're finding yourself taking care of numero uno again...why not just see where it takes you? You have almost no strings in your life now. A perfect opportunity to explore many paths. But I can almost guarantee one of those paths will eventually take you to a loving, kind woman who will restore your faith in the value of relationships.

Not dating and just being single can be great. Sometimes it is nice not to have obligations and not have to share decisions. Being in a relationship can be great, but there is so much compromising or just trouble making joint decisions. I think a lot of people avoid dating for a while after being hurt. I am perfectly content not dating. I am sort of dating someone right now, but there are no expectations and we just have fun together. I think the only time it would be hard to be alone is when you get older. It would be nice to have someone around in the older years. I say just go out and have fun. Do what ever you want whenever you want as long as it does not obviously hurt anyone. You may find that you meet someone very special when you least expect it. Good luck.

I have been single for just over 12 months and I am loving it! The best thing about being lonely is the freedom that comes with it.

I am not single because I am scared of the hurt and pain a new relationship may bring into my life, I have found that this time around I have finally found out who I am and what I want from life and a relationship - I want just settle for the next hot man that walks into my life, there is a criteria and my next potential partner needs to meet this criteria and if that means staying single for a very long time, I am quite prepared to do so.

I am happy with my life, work, friendships, my direction and renewed ambition and I finally love myself and have recognised my faults and am also working on those too.

So loneliness is not all that bad as far as I am concerned.

Well, I was single for a looooooong time before my current relationship, and the reason was I was pursuing people completely inappropriate for me. I mean, I was interested in them for the wrong reasons, placing a higher value on what I wanted rather than what I truly needed.

Needless to say, once I figured all this out and actually started to enjoy being single, along came my boyfriend. And it's shaping up to be the best and most fulfilling relationship I ever had, but I still remember that I was starting to really like being single, lol.

No dating.

Oh well then I guess I'll be alone forever as I don't believe in dating.

Really, when you go without dating for awhile, it ceases to be such a factor. Absorb yourself in all that life has to offer. You'll find yourself so busy that rarely will you even have time to think about dating or relationships. Follow your heart, pursue your dreams, do the things that are fun to you.

SO Shy if you don't believe in dating what does that mean? Have you ever had a relationship? Do you know what it's like to be in one and then not and being "alone" nursing a broken heart?

Dako ~ I have been unhappily single but to be honest I think I was unhappily together too. I tend to look at what Scout said I was and still am looking for what I want and not what I need. Scout you're a smart cookie! I never realized that. Hmmm lightbulb moment.

My apologies to Dako for interrupting this thread.

Elektra, I know what it is like to fall so deeply in love that you dream of marrying her and spending the rest of your life together. I know the rush of excitement when she admits to liking you as well and when it becomes evident that not only does she like you, that she loves you. I know the thrill of spending the weekend with her, lying next to her at night, cuddling all morning and finally, after 22 and a half long years, getting your first kiss. I know the joy of chatting for hours every night, making plans for the future, and just being happier then ever.

I also know what it is like when you put yourself all in and she lets her fears and insecurities get in the way, blocking the chance of it becoming an official relationship. I know what it is like to be making plans to go up to visit her and for her to suddenly say its over. I know what it is like to have the same girl less then 2 weeks later say someone else is flying in to see her and that something is happening between them. I know what it is like hear her say a couple weeks after that, that she is engaged. And a month later she gets married (of course they are now getting divorced, silly them). So in a couple months time I went from the cusp of a relationship that was only blocked by her issues to being devastated that the one I love and long to be with is married to someone else. The pain of going through that is pure hell. I literally wanted to die. No, I was dead inside. Nights I spent crying and I'd break into tears at random times.

So it wasn't dating, it wasn't a relationship, I have no idea what to call it. But it hurt. And that's the experience I bring to the table. I ended up alone nursing a heart that wasn't just broken, but shattered into a zillion pieces and I had ran out of glue to put those pieces back together. That on top of the general sense of emptiness and lonliness I've felt most of my life. I tried to talk it over with people, got no sympathy or help. One person was all I had to help me through. And that was just a few months ago. So to be here saying I'm ok alone and to still carry hope that something can happen for me in the future, that took a lot for me to get to.

I'll stick to being friends with girls. And if a relationship happens from that, as it nearly did in this instance and in others, then I'll embrace it. But I'm not going to date to try and find someone.

Sorry Dako. Please, resume your post.

I appreciate your responses. As you'd guess I'm having a hard time remembering why I ever got married. All the crap I once believed seems like tooth fairy mythology. Yes, disillusioned, but also in a way inspired to keep from feeling things I can't control or understand. Like more fairy tales.

Dako, thought of a poem I posted ages ago that seems to fit what you are feeling. Hope you enjoy.

Hey Dako ~ So are you happier alone with you just to deal with or are you ehh just alright with being alone?

E,

That's a good question. I dunno.

Thanks everyone. Sorry to be a downer but I appreciate you guys when this happens. Maybe I'll blow my harp driving home tonite. It helps.

I appreciate your responses. As you'd guess I'm having a hard time remembering why I ever got married. All the crap I once believed seems like tooth fairy mythology. Yes, disillusioned, but also in a way inspired to keep from feeling things I can't control or understand. Like more fairy tales.

Ha HA...I can certainly appreciate that.

Anyway,I was single for about 2 years before hooking up with my last girlfriend.

I was with my girlfriend before that for 2 years and my girlfriend right before that for 4 years.(yes that bring's me all the way back to 15)

When I was single I used to absoulutely love coming home from work, blazing a splif and chilling by myself all night long.All I had to worry about was me.I read a book years ago that said once a man starts a family he gives up his privelage of selfishness.

I had nothing to worry about but me.It was great.

I remember when I fell in love with my current ex I was really torn as to if I wanted to give up the privelage of selfishness.Like a idiot I thought well she love's me and I love her, what can go wrong?How stupid.

Anyhow,My time all alone was really a time of growth as a person.I learned alot about myself and where I was going in life.

Now that I'am unexpectedly single again I'am again in the same situation(minus the splif's).I look at it as another opertunity to see who I really am and what I really am all about.

It's tough when you have invested so much into something and now you have to start all over, basically from scratch.

I really believe that falling in love is a joke.The only people I have ever been able to trust is my blood relatives.I know they are with me until the end.thereforeeee I think that you realise that everything in life is temporary exept for your blood.

So if you find someone and "fall in love" you have to always be prepared to be alone, but your family will always be there.

My mother told me once when I was a young man in a jail cell."Look Andy,Who's here to visit you,who's getting you a lawyer,where all all your friends that you love so much now?".She was right.Nobody was there but my blood.And when I was stupid enough to think I found true love and she left me there was nobody to support me but my blood.

So maybe you can let yourself fall in love but you have to be prepared for the fact that you can be alone again at anytime and you have to be content with that.

thereforeeee all you really have is yourself and your family.

Your family if your lucky.