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Choose between love and sexual chemistry?


ramsickle1369

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Wow... this is an amazing find in my book. I love forums and appreciate all POV possible... Thank you in advance for reading and helping! It's VERY LONG – sorry, I love to write…

 

I guess I should start with a little background. I am 30 and have been with my husband for 10 years, 5 of which are marriage. We met at work and really hit it off. The only catch was I was just ending a verbally abusive relationship of 3 years (OH, and I was only 20 years old). My husband was safe and secure and that is what I needed then. But I knew I should not get 100% involved and forget about me – but I didn't date. I've never dated. I lived with Mom then boyfriend then mom then husband.

 

Now a little about him. He was 25 when we met and a virgin. He never had a serious relationship, ever! I was the first for him. His first real love. He has very little to compare to. He's never really woken up sexually, either. I don't believe he feels chemistry either. He disagrees.

 

I love this man dearly and we are the best of friends. We travel, spend time together, laugh and really have a ton in common. It's never a dull moment—except in the bedroom.

 

We never have had that passionate sex, not even in the beginning, it was sort of physical and felt great, but the chemistry died within months of this relationship. I didn't realize it until about 1 year before we married when I found myself flirting with another man, and feeling the need to pursue it. I didn't, but my husband found out and was hurt. Not angry or jealous, just sad and hurt. At that time I decided that I was going to move out and be on my own. He was devastated at the mere thought of it and I felt so guilty that I stayed and renewed our efforts to get married. That was 7 years ago.

 

I thought I was OK, I thought everything was the way it was supposed to be. That the chemistry dies and that's normal. That not having sex was normal. That is until I met another man that made me feel pretty and sexy and alive again. All those feelings I must have buried came roaring to the surface and I refuse to ignore them a third time. Now I'm contemplating an affair, and do NOT want to be that person.

 

I came accross another posting regarding similar feelings and felt compelled to post. The issue now is this… we are roommates, we share a life, a bed, house, cats and dogs and many many things we've purchased to fill this void. Unfortunately, I still feel incredibly lonely. I always attributed my sadness to the roller-coaster of starting my own business. But it occurred to me that every night I cried about the business or something else, always ended with the question, do I really belong in this marriage? What's wrong with me? Why don't I feel the chemistry for him? Why don't I find him attractive? He IS an attractive man with an abundance of wonderful traits and qualities and he truly loves me.

 

So the struggle I am having is do I really have to choose between love and sex? It's not like we are too busy to have sex, even on vacations and slow nights, there is NOT that sexual connection. I have talked with him about it 100's of times. He says he gets it, but he doesn't. I honestly believe he feels the same way, but since it's his first love, he can't distinguish between the sexual chemistry and the companionship and love.

 

Now I am just tired of it. I'm tired of trying to make sense of it all and talking with him about it and feeling so guilty for wanting something that isn't there. I've started counseling on my own to see what is wrong with me, I guess. I feel horrible and I know what the outcome is going to be. But I keep hoping there's some way to magically create some chemistry and make this work because it is so very perfect in every other way.

 

I'm sorry this is so very long… I am totally devastated and I guess I am trying to find a way around the inevitable. I just need all the advice I can get!

 

I thought I had it all figured out 7 years ago, but I guess all I did was ignore the signs. I feel like such a moron. I don't want to hurt him. I don't want to feel guilty. But I can't/WON'T live the rest of my life in pain, loneliness and depression.

 

Thanks for reading… I appreciate your honest input.

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Honestly, I'm not experienced at this kind of thing, there could be multiple reasons for you to feel that way I'm sure, but since it was like that so early on, maybe he really is a best friend but not a lover, you know? And maybe you shouldn't be so hard on yourself for feeling that way. Personally, I think separation from him might be the only way for you to know for sure, see if you feel different or not with some space from him. I'm sure that would be very painful for him...

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Thanks. I have been contemplating the getting out for a while now. In fact a couple weeks ago I was in a hotel for a couple nights. It was over Valentine's day so we wound up getting lunch and it was a nice day. But then I came back home and he acted like everything was fixed. I felt so guilty leaving then, too.

 

The one thing that I should mention is that although these feelings and discussions have been happening for years, I only really woke up to the reality about a month ago. But I'm a decisive person. When I am ready to make a decision, I'm READY. So I am trying to take it very slow and see what changes. I do need to get away from him and evaluate things that way. Monday I am house-sitting for a friend so that will I guess be my "start" of that change.

 

Thanks again

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As a thought, maybe be direct with him. Tell him exactly what you told us. That you love him, you want to be with him, however the lack of intimacy is making you to start questioning things like you did 7 years ago and you are afraid of what might happen. He either goes into couples sex therapy, or you are going to move out to figure things out.

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I agree with Wildchild. Be very direct with him about how unhappy you are about your relationship and what needs to change in order for you to be happy. Stress that a "quick fix" is not going to make things better.

 

I'm thinking that your husband might surprise you if you give him the chance to. If you haven't been direct so far and only dropped hints, then you haven't been and that guilt you may be feeling might be just that. You know you haven't pulled out all the stops.

 

As a man, I can attest that we can be a little dense when it comes to subtly getting the hint. I know I am, hence why I love direct women. lol

 

Good luck

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It sounds, from your description of your relationship, that you two are able to have very intimate conversations. I too agree with WildChild. I think being frank and open about it in a non-accusatory manner would be appropriate and couples sexual counseling is in order.

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My impression is you really love your husband. That's coming through very clearly. And that's good news! It means you don't really want to leave him, you just are ready for a change in your relationship. And relationships that are stagnant and don't grow are boring - you're on the right track to keeping your marriage ALIVE.

 

I think you should start to view your husband as your "lover" again. Even if it feels like an act at first, be more flirty with him. Be more romantic. Gaze into his eyes, act like you did when you first met him. Soon, this act will be real to you the more you do it.

 

Then, once you have a more romantic view of him again, you can start talking about and trying new things together in the bedroom. I think it's important first to establish a more intimate and romantic connection so that he's not completely taken aback by one day you just saying, we need to spice it up, lol.

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There is nothing really wrong with you, and there is nothing really wrong with him. What you're feeling is not unusual. You want more, that's okay. You're feeling the types of things that a lot of other women do the point in your life you are at.

 

If you're house sitting for a few days it may be a good chance to contemplate various options you have.

 

I'd like to see you give it at least one more good, honest shot at trying to wake him up sexually. There may be something you can do that you haven't yet. You've got a lot invested in your marriage, you've kept it together, you're comfortable and you enjoy everything else about it. That's worth keeping.

 

Going to counselling on your own is helpful. I doubt there will be anything done to "fix" what is wrong with you (because there isn't anything from the way you describe it) but there certainly may be some insight given into how you can act to make things a bit better between you, so for that reason try and keep it up. In addition, it just helps to be able to be completely candid with somebody.

 

As far as the sexual compatibility, it's common for women at your age to be on a sexual upswing, and men to be heading the other direction. Unfortunate, but a consequence of how humans are. If you look around this board you'll find a lot of threads that speak of how women find their long time partners starting to become less interested as they become more interested. You may be able to find ways to interest him.

 

Anyway, spend a few days thinking, go to counselling with him if at all possible, and certainly continue those heart to heart discussions with him.

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Is it really about only sexual chemistry? I heard you talking about chemistry and passion. I am wondering if you are looking for affection from him, not just a "technically" good lover. He may not know how to build that "chemistry" for you (especially if you are his only love)

 

Anyone can read manuals or see videos on being a good lover, but I've heard that for women, passion is built outside the bedroom. It can build up over the day or over a week even by many random acts of affection and kindness.

 

I guess I wonder if when you talk about "passion" and chemistry that he is supposed to demonstrate it's more about you feeling sexy, feeling loved, feeling appreciated, feeling wanted, feeling like a woman. It's not just about whether he knows the best way to do doggy style ?

 

I could be wrong, sometimes for some woman, it really is that the showstopper is the sex itself.

 

I tend to think that if two people are committed to a relationship, the technical parts of lovemaking can be overcome by honest communication and committment to pleasuring the other person in whichever way works for them. (generous and unselfish lovers for each other)

 

I guess I wonder about more details.

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I agree with everything you just said, Derek. That's why I originally suggested she get back in practice treating him romantically, being flirty, loving, etc. You see, long time couples often settle into companionship, and so BOTH parties can stop viewing their partner as a lover, too. Long story short, it's not one or the other party's "fault" if things get a little dull in the bedroom, but someone has to make the first move to put the romance back in.

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First thing... WOW, thanks for all the input!

 

I guess really should elaborate on some of the things I've tried already to make things better. We've had numerous honest, open and serious conversations over the years about how important it is that we actually connect sexually. I have tried for many years acting as if we do connect like that, but after 7 years of acting, nothing has changed. I have introduced everything short of another person to try and spice it up. A comment I received regarding lingerie was "it's for fantasies and they aren't supposed to come true." To which I replied that marriage is supposed to be about fulfilling all those fantasies. There have been a couple brief moments where I thought FINALLY things are going to change, then without warning, back to the old ways. And now I feel NOTHING for him. I do not want to BE with him. I do not feel the chemistry or passion or whatever it is that makes you want to still have sex after many years together.

 

I'm not so sure about it being simply that I'm now 30 and waking up sexually. I was never asleep, just repressed. Since I lost my virginity at 17 I was VERY interested and "playful". It has never been "exciting" to make love in this relationship. Other than the first few weeks.

 

The hardest thing is that I have for years been blatantly honest with what I need from him and I honestly believe that this relationship is incapable of that. My mom once said to me that her and my step-dad's relations was this, "everything could be falling apart but when they're in the bedroom, all is right." I do not have that, never have. Didn't 7 years ago, either. It's not like the passion just died, it's never been there. It was just comfortable, from day 1.

 

It's interesting that you say that about being unselfish... I will pretty much DO anything with him. he will not, thinks sex is gross, that oral is disgusting. I tried taking the "in your face" approach and going to town -- nothing. I tried stopping it for him to see if it would make him try, at least. All that wound up happening is that I don't have to do that any more.... Just the other day he says to me regarding a slightly low-cut top, "OOO, honey's trying to look sexy" which made me feel awkward and disgusted. I told him that if he really thinks I look sexy why say it like that? Why not say, or better yet, DO something about it. Come kiss me passionately, drag me into the bedroom, make me feel sexy and like a WOMAN. NOT a piece of trash! It was sort of the final straw. He always says things jokingly like that and it only disgusts me... It hurts so bad.

 

I know in my heart that he's a wonderful man, he is! I do love him. But I cannot have sex with HIM anymore. I don't want it. It went too many years waiting for the high and feeling such an incredible low while waiting that I hurt so bad now. I am disgusted with the idea even. So now, it's me. I do not want him--at all.

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Exactly.... He's an amazing friend. Over time tho, I just don't feel THAT way any more. I guess I am just wondering if it really would ever change??? I suppose it's possible. But it's like I see the light at the end of the tunnel and long to be independent--something I have never been.

 

Thanks everyone for your insight...

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Yes I agree with the friendship comment.

 

There is I think a sort of "group think" mentality that abounds in society that says seperating for reasons of sexual incompatability is shallow and its an issue that can easily be worked through.

 

I think that is very unfair. In my experience a healthy sex life is critical to a meaningful relationship, particularly at an age when you are sexually peaking. I don't subscribe to the theory that love conquers all, to me, intimacy is a huge part of love and the expression of love.

 

Most long term relationships I have seen fall apart start with the decline of the couples sex life. You seem to have tried everything and he seems to have little interest in participating. I don't know you guys so I can't say it is time to move on but I will say that your feelings will not go away and pretty soon they are going to have an increasingly negative impact on others parts of your relationship.

 

If you haven't already, I think it's time to tell him how serious you are about this and that it has you contemplating the end of the relationship.

 

I'd strongly advise against the "affair" route. It may give you some short term gain but it will bite you eventually.

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yeah, it seems that you know what you want and DON'T want. you are clear you don't want him. my only thought is that when you are apart you may start feeling like you want him again, so that's why i suggest separation first, seeing how it feels, and then go from there...

and it seems like you'll be careful with his heart, but don't be TOO careful that you stay with him just for him, but not for YOU!!

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Oh I love the idea of "make up sex"!!! The only problem is, I really doubt we WOULD. It just isn't our relationship. I will be house-sitting next week and will use this time to "be apart". See what happens. I will NOT be having any affairs (no one's exactly beating down my door, anyway). That's just not something I want to become--although the thought is clearly there.

 

I fear that maybe I have been too careful in how I say these things.... But then again, I've made it increadibly clear... He went and got these CD's called "Light his/her fire". I've listened to a couple for the woman and frankly find them completely off-base! Simply not the issue. We'll see how things go when we're apart I guess.

 

MAN... I really am sorry for anyone that's gone through this! It's just awful, and my relationship is quite cordial (maybe too much). It was much easier when it was a boyfriend, not a husband with an entire life attached... It hurst so deeply. My heart goes out to all of you that have gone through this. Thank you for your wisdom!

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one more thing... I was reading something elsewhere about people dumping relationships over a bad kisser or something and I wanted to clarify...

 

It was the term "emotionally romantically attracted" that caught my attention. THAT is what I want to feel, and don't. It's not about the actual acts involved. It's THAT connection that seems missing...

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You have to separate, it seems like very soon you might turn to Hating him, and he might not be aware why.

 

If you don't fancy him anymore and you are only 30, what to do, you can't just hang in there, the resentment will over take any healing.

 

I do suggest seperation for a month or two, and be honest exactly why you are doing it.

 

Give him time to contemplate, time to read, time to feel , and also time for you to think.

 

From your posts I think this is the route that you know in your heart is the one you have to take.

 

Best

 

 

Dan

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Dan yes, that's what I know I need to do. And that hurts so damn bad! Mostly because it will hurt HIM. But I have to stop sparing his feelings because it's actually making things worse between us. I do not want to hate him. I would feel better if he hated me. At least he'd let go a little... That's exactly what my friend says to me... the one where I will be staying.

 

And yes Scout I have started therapy on my own--so far, just this week. I anticipate him coming along once I am ready. When he and I talked about this, I left the ball in his court. HE was supposed to find a counselor. HE was supposed to set it up. And I wanted it that way because I needed to know he really wanted to fix this particular issue. Instead, he found those "Light her fire" cd's and is now leaving notes and saying exactly what the CD's are telling him to. It may have been useful 5 years ago, but now it just makes me angrier! And more disgusted...

 

You're right, I need to move away for a while and see what the distance does. I know I will miss him, but I'm afraid of getting back into it because I miss my best friend and being right back where I am years down the road. That's my biggest fear... How do I handle that? How do I remember how it feels to be so lonely DURING sex? And I am, I often cry during from loneliness...

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And yes Scout I have started therapy on my own--so far, just this week. I anticipate him coming along once I am ready. When he and I talked about this, I left the ball in his court. HE was supposed to find a counselor. HE was supposed to set it up. And I wanted it that way because I needed to know he really wanted to fix this particular issue. Instead, he found those "Light her fire" cd's and is now leaving notes and saying exactly what the CD's are telling him to. It may have been useful 5 years ago, but now it just makes me angrier! And more disgusted...

 

Do you mind if I ask why it makes you angry and disgusted that he's trying to inject some romance into things? It seems your original post expressed frustration that he hasn't tried at all.

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See now, the original poster is talking about feeling lonely while having sex, how she's disgusted at his attempts now to make up for years of him not paying attention... It isn't about the sex per se. It's about the emotional attachment, the attraction, the connection and now it's a "too little too late" situation. Relationship counseling together is a good idea.

I don't think he realizes how serious it is...

He's got to be shaken up (hurt even) and both of you need to start anew.

 

Maybe check out

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Yes Derek, that's exactly it! I am disgusted, angry even that after all these years of discussing it and begging that NOW he's trying to change. I know that doesn't seem fair, that he's finally getting it and now it's my doing--I don't want it. But please try to understand that it's been YEARS of this and I've been very open and factual about what I need and tried to help him achieve the goal. I've never made him feel bad for not doing it either.

 

I don't know if this has anything to do with it, but he's not a very driven individual. He doesn't have stars in his eyes about new possibilites. After 10 years of knowing him, I've finally convinced him to do more with his talents than work in a blu collar job. He's very intelligent and smart, even charismatic. He is excellent at keeping the peace and being politically correct. He's finally starting to realize his own potential. I am a very driven person that is always looking into new possibilities. He never seemed interested in bettering himself in those ways. Maybe this is something similar??

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Update...

 

I had a talk with the husband last night. I laid it all on the line. I found out that he was angry at me for some things, too. Not that this surprised me. But it was WHAT angered him that shocked me. I was laid off a couple years ago and when he learned about it his words were, " Don't worry about it honey, we'll be OK." We talked about how it was a good time to collect UEI and focus on starting the biz. Turns out that he felt I was tsking advantage of him. When in actuality, I was going what we agreed to. I told him that isn't fair at all since he always told be EXACTLY the opposite! How is that communicating? So he's thinking that maybe that anger pulled him away a little. He NEVER gets angry. NEVER. I always figured he was good at letting it go. Turns out he's not letting it go at all!

 

I made it very clear what I was feeling. PAINFULLY clear. And we I guess now both know what's happening. I mentioned that I am in counseling and maybe sometime he'd like to go too. Something that I already discussed with him. SILENCE is all I heard this time. So I guess unless HE brings it up, he's not really commited to changing, is he?

 

I don't know. I am angry at him and being mean and I don't want to do that to him. He's a good guy. I just don't think we have that sexual compatability we need.

 

Thanks again to everyone... Do you want me to keep updating???

 

THX

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