Is he too busy? Or really is he scared to dump me?

So I just have to post because I'm feeling a little sad...it's not overwhelming but I've thought of our good times together and it makes me sad that we are not this happy couple anymore. I am going to be strong and not contact him. We have not been in contact all day. I presume we won't be in contact until tomorrow if even that. What sucks is that we have a concert to go to next weekend...I'm not even sure if we are going. You know, I read an article today about love and loss and in it it said "Don't accept anything less than extraordinary". This has made me thought a lot. Why am I even with someone that doesn't have time for me? He might be moving back to his country in a couple of years to finish his MBA. So why am I still in this? Because at one time he made me believe I was something so grand and great in his life. He made me believe I could be or do anything. He made me believe in myself and believe I could find love after having a tragic divorce. All of these things...and now I'm here in this position and I'm just lost. Why is he holding on when he has brought these things up? Like what happens when/if he moves back. He once told me if he was in love with someone he would want to stay. He once told me he would cry to see our child born. And now I'm none of that to him anymore and I really shouldn't have worn my heart on my sleeve. I believed all those things and now I feel like I am 3rd or 4th on his priority list. I'm holding on to this tiny hope that it will get back to the way it was and we will be happy and that we do have a future together. But the more I think about it, the more I don't believe it anymore.

You are right, Karchino...the only person that can make you happy is you. I've learned a lot from this forum and I'm grateful for everyone's advice. Here is an update to the situation:

I didn't contact him at all yesterday, then he text messaged me once with "How was your day" then twice with "What are your plans in the next days" then lastly "what are you doing tonight?" I went over his place. We were supposed to go to the movies but he got out of work too late. I was so light-hearted and cheerful. Funny because when I walked in the door I got the surprised look from the roommate that I was even there, then this sort of pitty look or look of "is she mad or upset at me" from my bf. I just smiled and kissed him and acted completely normal. I made jokes and I felt more comfortable with myself than I ever have. We made love and he held me really close to him and made these sighing noises. BUT still no I love you's...but again I am ok with that. I think we are starting over again. And I think it is going to be ok. He mentioned the concert next weekend. We are still going to that together. I'm just going to keep it light and not talk about serious stuff for awhile. I think it is working but it is too soon to tell.

Thanks again for all your wonderful advice. And to all of those out there that are still having issues...be patient and don't be desperate. You deserve to be happy.

Cordell,

I am so happy things are going well. Thank you for the update.

(((hugs)))

Men always seem to think women are "over sensitive", "stupid", or "think too much", but I am starting to think that is not the case.

Men have this thing where they cannot seem to be able to break it off with a person for whatever reason. Maybe they feel guilty or something.

So you're thinking that he is still trying to break up with me? You know that will always be in the back of my head. But I think that this distance between us has been good for us (and really good for me eventhough it hurt) because I was getting too emotional and attached. I was crying nearly everytime I saw him and it's not his fault that he has 2 jobs and is going to school full time. I was making him feel bad on top of that and then we were fighting. I think this approach is healthier. To be light and cheerful and happy and it turn that makes him happy and light and at least one factor in his life (me) doesn't have to put stress on him. Does that make sense?

I wish i would have come back to this thread earlier...I'm REALLY glad to hear the progress you've made with you're bf. It reminds me SO much of me and my man. i've been trying to be light and cheerful too, just like you mentioned, and it is hard. I wanted to see him tonight but he was in one of his "moods"...he didn't sleep at all last night (he has some sleeping problems tied in with his (mild) depression) and he said he'd rather wait to see me tomorrow since he lives an hour away and he was going to sleep at 6 when I last talked to him. He said he'd call me tonight when he woke up, but i told him he doesn't have to if he's too tired. But, i know he will call He's just like that.

Well, i just wanted to let you know that the advice on here has actually helped me out some too and I hope everything goes well for you

This forum really has been awesome. I'm very happy to give you guys an update to say that my bf has seemed to really change for the better this weekend. He wanted to see me Friday night and Saturday night. This morning I said I had to go to paint and do stuff and he was like "I don't want you to go" but I was light and cheerful and said I had to finish my painting and he said he understood. I feel healthier than ever...like my life doesn't revolve around him anymore because I'm not allowing it to. I have my own life too.

I know we are not 100% but he has never been this attentive or affectionate. He had visitors from out of town and he was so sweet to me in front of them. I'm still going to let him contact me but he seems to have done a 180. On Friday he called me several times. He has been initiating the calling ever since I started this thread. I think I should do this for awhile longer. This also makes me stronger and not wear my heart on my sleeve.

thank you all!! And I'm going to read more posts and help others as well. I'm so glad I found this place.

I am happy for you! Things have been going better with my boyfriend, too. I don't really understand why this happens with guys so often. I find it that women and men have this problem a lot. Being cheerful and acting as though you are not affected is a good way to let him know that your life doesn't revolve around him...but I can't help but think that in a healthy relationship, communication should be more honest than that.

And you are right, VeganBohemian...in a relationship things should be more honest than that. And last night I sort of broke down with him on the phone. We finally talked about what was going on instead of ignoring it and acting happy. He said he has backed off because things were getting too intense emotionally and he didn't have the time to put into that. He also asked if things are better this way and I did say yes but in my head I'm thinking I want things to go back to the way we were without the fighting. Well, being as how I was PMSing throughout this conversation...when I reminded him of our plans on Sunday night to go out with some of my friends...he said he couldn't go and I lost it and started to cry. He never hangs out with my friends. He always has an excuse not to go and now when I go out I always go out alone. My friends constantly ask where he is and I'm so sick of it. On the phone he changed his mind and said he would go but now he is saying yes just because I got so upset about it. This is ridiculous. I'm driving myself nuts over someone that I don't even know is worth it to me. Now I feel like I'm back to square one and because I cried he is going to back off another 50 feet. I can't live like this.

Hey girl,

I am so sorry that things went backwards instead of forward. (((hugs))) He did say one thing that really stood out to me....

"...never hangs out with my friends. He always has an excuse not to go and now when I go out I always go out alone. My friends constantly ask where he is and I'm so sick of it."

This is a key point in how he is acting and feels about this relationship. I try to go by peoples' actions and not their words. This is a huge red flag for me. He does not want to be part of your life in that way. Nor does he want to invest the time to have a proper relationship with you and that includes spending time with your friends and family. I went through the EXACT thing with my ex as well, he was perfectly content with spending time with just me but when I wanted him to go out with me and friends, he always opted out, saying he was too tired, etc. It was so important to me for him to be part of my life in that way and he did not put in the effort, he should have because it would have made me happy.

I think your boyfriend loves the emotional support from you and the idea of having you around but is not in the frame of mind to put in the work of having a healthy and growing relationship. It is not his priority at the moment. But it is yours. So now, you are back to sqaure one. Do you want to wait around for him or do you want to say, heck with it, I want more, I deserve more, I am going to find someone whom can fulfill what you want and need. The choice is ultimately up to you. Plus, there is no guarentee once your BF is not as crazy with school that he will want to invest more in your relationship. He could be using this as an excuse. So it is up to you to decide for yourself. I truly hope things work out for you and that you feel better really soon.

(((hugs)))

Thanks, Kellbell. I really appreciate your input. That question is in my mind constantly: Do I stay and find out if this guy is really for me? Or do I deserve to be happy now and have a man that has the time to make me a priority and treats me right and likes hanging out with my friends? I think 6 months is a lot to have invested in someone. I know some people will think that it's no big deal but 1/2 a year to me is a big deal. I'm going to give myself a deadline. His birthday is in March. I would like to be there for him on his bday. I am going to give it March and that's it. If on the last day of March nothing has changed for the better and I'm still constantly questioning my relationship, then I'm going to have to end it myself. Because I won't be able to do this to myself much longer than that. Last weekend was great and I felt so happy. But deep down inside I know I want more. We never go out. When I see him, it is 80% at his place 20% at mine. We are supposed to go on a cruise together in November. Geez, I can't even think that far ahead. The tickets are booked. But I did get insurance. I texted him this morning with an apology for crying last night on the phone. I probably should not have done that as he has still not responded to it. Back to not contacting him. I hate these games.

I know it is hard not to look that far in advance but don't get caught up in doing so. It may cause you to second-guess your decisions and hang on much longer than you need to. A cruise is a cruise, your happiness and emotional well-being is far more important.

Also, do not apologize about crying. It is ok to cry, you have been under a lot of emotional stress and uncertainty. It would make me cry, never be ashamed of your emotions. And if he has that presense that makes you feel it is wrong to cry and feel bad about...then you are definitely with the wrong guy.

I think your plan about March is good but even though things to change somewhat by then, there is still a lot of work and mending to be done on his part. I hope you not thinking that things will just fall into place by then because you can get more hurt that way. But is good to have a timeline in your head. In the meantime, I would try to focus on you a bit, try to go out and do things for yourself. I know this is tough but it is going to take the BOTH of you to want this together.

(((hugs)))

Thanks, Karchino. I wish you the best of luck with your bf and just remember that if he does not contact you, then he wasn't worth it. You deserve so much better than that. Don't comprimise being happy.

Ok...update with me. My bf sent me a very long email telling me that the fighting we have done really scared him off and that he has backed down relationship-wise. He said school and work has hit him hard too but that he doesn't want to fight anymore and he worries that we will. He said last weekend was a milestone for us (and it was) because we didn't fight and we had a great weekend. He said that he wants to continue with the way things are now so that we are light and carefree and not as emotional. He said he still loves me but he cannot give me more than what we are doing now "at this stage" in his life. Not quite sure what that means. Anyway, I guess this is good....he is being open and honest and wants to try. I'm going to take it one day at a time.

Ok..I know I am a basketcase...I'm just writing stuff down because it makes me feel better. I'm really trying not to obsess

about this whole bf thing but my mind just keeps

racing. I hate going backwards in a relationship. It

doesn't make sense to me. Yes, this probably makes him

happy but will it make me happy? Anywho..I'm sick of

thinking about it. I gave myself a deadline. If we are "building up" successfully but I feel nothing has changed, I'm going to end things because I

can't live like this forever. THe constant wondering of what I did wrong...the analyzing every word he has said or written...and all the heartache that comes with it. It's just not cool.

Having a bf for 6 months means being able to call them in the middle of the day for nothing. Just to say hi and I love you. Now we're back to playing games that are played when you first date someone. I just don't

see how that can work. I miss just having that comfort. Like I said...March 31st. Then I am done.

Hi Everyone...a quick update...I spent Friday, Saturday and Sunday night with my bf AT HIS REQUEST You all were right. If someone WANTS to make the time for you, they will do it. On Sunday he had to study but he wanted my company so I watched tv while he studied and he was very loving towards me. This is now our 2nd weekend together without any fights. We are both making the effort not to pick on eachother and we are both really trying to be nice and cordial towards the other. It does feel like we have taken steps backwards but we took them back to a place where our relationship was really good. Looks like we both needed the space. I definitely needed it because I was getting too attached and pretty crazy emotionally.

We are not at 100% (If we were saying the I love yous then I think we would be there) but right now it feels ok to not say it. We both know that we love eachother dearly...but there's something about saying it that makes us both feel vulnerable.

Hey girl,

I am so happy to see things went very well this weekend. I hope things continue this way. Thank you for the update and keep us posted, ok? (((hugs)))

So things have slowly gotten back to normal and just this past weekend he snuck in 2 "I love yous". He said he wants to defer next semester so that he can have a life this summer. The past 2 days have been really bad. His birthday is tomorrow and he had a paper due yesterday. I called and left him a message yesterday and then he texted back with "got your message, this paper is killing me, can I call you tomorrow?" It just weirds me out because he could have just called to say hi instead of texting. We have just texted the past couple of days and not talk. I don't know. Some days I am fine and I understand he's busy. Other days I think to myself that he has at least 5 minutes in the day to contact me, so why doesn't he? This roller coaster is just crazy. I guess I'm going to see how the summer goes. When he doesn't have school, will he really have more time for me? I guess I'll have to find out and see. Thanks for listening to me rant. At least lately I'm not emotional anymore. And we haven't fought in 3 weeks. That's really great.

Next time he's writing a paper, see if you can sit with him while he writes it. A married couple I know does this, and she just sits and reads and is in his presense. After a little while, he says, hey, guess what I discovered and lets her in on his work.

Thanks for all your advice. I have bad news to report. We broke up on Friday. I just couldn't take it anymore plus he was starting to say things like "do you ever think of having sex with other people?" and this one was my favorite "I want to have sex with a black girl before I get married" sorry...but that is what he said. I hope I didn't offend anyone. I guess that was the straw that broke my back. I told him that I couldn't do it anymore. That I have felt like I was punished for the last 3 weeks and that I can't just "wait" for him when he starts saying dumb stuff like that. I have too much self respect for that nonsense. So we are done. I thought for a moment there that we would have been ok, but after he said that and calling me "champ" and writing on his website that his hobbies are "beer, women and football" I pretty much had it. I was very sad on Friday but now to be honest I'm quite releived. I can do so much better and I was soooo stressed out the past 3 weeks. Now it is time to focus on me and find someone who will love me just the same and have the time for me. Thanks again for all your help. Sorry the outcome wasn't better. He had the chance to make it better but chose instead to lose me. I will be ok

Aww girl,

I am so sorry about how things went. But IMO, this guy was skating on thin ice for a while. Those comments were horrible...to have my BF entertaining the thought of having sex with other people....my word, I would be so hurt and he would be done with me too.

I am glad you did not ignore the signs and took his comments as way to exit out of this relationship.

Come to Enot as much as your need for support, encouragement, or just to vent. We are here for you. Big hugs to you and try to hang in there.

Thank you for all your support. I guess maybe he wasn't right for me afterall. It is so hard sometimes. He texted me yesterday asking how I was and I texted him back that all was well with me and I hope all was well with him...and then he texted that he has "been better" and just wanted to see how I was. I didn't text him back after that. It was so hard not to. I do miss him but the stuff he pulled with me was ridiculous and I really sincerely hopes he understands that he lost somone very caring and genuine and good.

yeah, you really do deserve better I'm getting over a breakup myself. If they don't see that they lost a good thing.... well, then.... what can you do? Well, I have a new date this sat, so wish me luck!