Is he too busy? Or really is he scared to dump me?

My boyfriend and I have been dating for nearly 6 months. We both are coming out of divorces and decided to take our relationship at a slow pace. 3 months into the relationship we are not going as slow as we anticipated because we are both in love and very happy. I would get text messages with "you rock my world" "you make me happy" and so on. We didn't fight, we were doing really well, and life was pretty much good. This last month is where we have started having problems. He is getting his MBA but finished getting his masters while we beginning to date and he was never "too busy" for me. Now that he has started his MBA and is working 2 jobs he tells me he feels guilty for not being a good boyfriend and that I deserve so much better and he has grown cold and very distant. I see him maybe 2 times a week and I'm getting too sensitive around him because I feel like I can be dumped at any minute. I have talked to him about this and we said we would try this 2 times a week thing and see where it goes. Sometimes it is good and I am patient as he works on his papers until 2 am. Sometimes it goes horrible and he's cold to me. But he is cold to me because I have gotten upset at him and told him that "my life revolves around him and his schedule" I don't know what to do. I don't know if I should wait it out. I feel like I'm in hell all the time second guessing everything I do because I'm scared and he's scared too and I know we have had our rough moments but how can someone go from loving you so much to not contacting you or distancing themselves so much you hardly know them? Why doesn't he just dump me?

My boyfriend and I are going through similar hard times, but we barely see eachother once a week. I'm always really emotional...and then last weekend my boyfriend DID dump me. He told me he loves me and has all the same feelings for me but can't be in a relationship. I was devastated, and I don't think he really wanted to do it, he just thinks that's what's best for me, because he can't stand being the cause of my sadness. But the next day we woke up (i slept at his place even though he was dumping me, b/c it was really late and he lives an hour from me) and I told him I could never be "just friends" because it would hurt too much everytime I see him or talk to him...so we didn't break up and things are better than ever. It kind of opened my eyes to what's been going on and what I really want out of this relationship. Our biggest relationship problem is communication, not because we don't talk to eachother, but because we never really say exactly what we mean, and we assume too much about eachother, but that is just the way we are as people, it doesn't have anything to do with our relationship, although it affects it. It sounds to me like you need to figure out what you want. If you're waiting for your bf to dump you, it sounds like you want him to! The only real thing you can do is talk and compromise and find something that works. Or decide if you really want to be together.

For your reply. You opened up my eyes a bit and you are right. Maybe I want him to dump me. I just don't know. Maybe I don't love him enough to sacrifice so much energy on him. But maybe I do. I don't know how to solve this. Yesterday morning he called me and played hookey from work and wanted me to hang out with him but I couldn't. Then he said he would call me when he woke up (he was going to sleep all day since he was up till 2am working on his paper) but then he never called me. And yesterday I thought I was being a good girlfriend by emailing him that I was proud of him for working so hard and he never replied back. And I KNOW he checks his email constantly. So here I am today not knowing what I should do. If I should just wait for him to call me, and what if he never does? Is that how 6 months should end? It's crappy and it was something I was very honest with him about...I told him that if there comes a time where we break up, we TALK about it...don't just stop calling. There's nothing worse than that.

You shouldn't have to put up with that after 6 months. No calling? My bf and I will be 8 months on March 15 and we haven't gone one day without out at least calling eachother. That's pretty low to not email you back, but only if you're SURE he would have seen it. My relationship isn't perfect, i don't think anyones is, but I can give you a little insight to mine, because you seem to be dealing with a little of what i've had to go through. My bf is going to school he is 25 and i'm 19...he doesn't know what he wants out of life and sometimes gets into really bad moods where his self-esteem is at an ultimate low. I felt like he didn't WANT to have time for me, when really he's just the kind of person that isn't motivated. He did want to see me, but if was afraid of making me upset if he was upset (b/c i do take on his moods, that's just how i am). Since our "breakup", which was last Saturday night, he called me as soon as i got home sunday morning after we made-up just to make sure i was okay and I was still confused. I've been scared all week when i've talked to him on the phone that he was going to break up with me again. I love him to much to lose him. I don't know what he wants, thereforeeee I don't know how to give him what he wants. I don't know if i need to step back or move forward, and i don't think he knows either. I'm going to start seeing him more, though. I'm going to make the trip to his place as often as i can, b/c i don't mind driving 45minutes-1hour. It's all worth it to me. I'm going to try to talk to him tonight about what's going on and what he wants from me, i still feel things need to change but i don't know how. Things are really good right now, he told me he missed me last night before I said anything...and I just saw him Monday, so tonight I'll get to see him, and hopefully talk about everything.

I think what you need to do, is figure out what YOU want. And after you figure that out, you need to talk to him and let him know, and figure out how to compromise. Call HIM if you want to talk to him. Don't be stubborn just because it's his "turn" to make the effort. I'm always stubborn like that. I feel like "i did my part, now it's his turn"... ...but you have to understand where he's coming from, even if it doesn't make sense to you. I don't understand how my bf can be so lazy and not want to finish college and not want to get a job, but that's how he IS, and i have to understand how he IS, to be able to understand our relationship and what i need to do to make things work. It's not that he doesn't want to be with me, it's that he's going through personal struggles, and can't devote all his time to me, like i can devote my time to him. (and just so you don't think my bf's a complete douche, he hates college b/c he's been pushed into a major he doesn't like, and he's very depressed with his work experience, and doesn't want a job like he had before, where he was a manager and got taken advantage of by his employees and bosses) ...he has a lot of potential and i know he'll be something great, he just has a hard time believing it, he has a low self-esteem.

I hope that you work everything out. My bf tells me that sometimes what you want isn't what's best for you...I hope you can figure everything out. Good Luck.

Why does this happen to everyone? This has happened to me in every relationship I have been in. * * * is wrong with men? Are they stupid?

Hey there,

Never settle for anything less than what you put in. It is not his fault he is busy with school per say but it all boils down to what YOU want. Do you want to be with a man whom is not so busy with school and is able to focus on a relationship? Or do you want to wait this one out and hope things will get better?

Your situation reminds me of my very first relationship. It was a LDR actually. He was a pre-med student. He was attending a very prestegious college and had to hunker down. There was no way around it. It was so hard, I seemed to have the time to write letters, call, and do little nice things for him but he did not seem to have the time to reciprocate those things. Then the resentments started to come around and we began getting a bit short with each other. So before things got really out of hand and ending up hating each other, we called it quits. We were on totally different paths of life and it was wise of us to realize that and get on with our lives separately. It really hurt but it was truly for the best and I wished nothing but the best for him because he really worked his tail off.

Now your guy may be a nice guy and all but are the circumastances in your favor? Are you willing to deal with these bumps in the road? I have always thought that if the person really cared about how you felt...then he/she would go out of his/he way to make you feel secure and wanted...no matter how busy the person is. My first BF cared but he did not care ENOUGH. He cared more about his medical studies and I realized it. Unfortunately, it sometimes takes one person in the relationship to realize things are not going to work and take the reins on whether it has to end or not. So it appears you have some thinking to do. I know 6 months seems like a long time but in the grand scheme of things, it is not a very long time. You in that early stage where you can make a decison whether to stay or go. It would be whole other story if you two have been together for a number of years. The longer you put this off, the harder this is going to be.

I wish you a lot of luck in this but a relationship is only going to work if BOTH people work together. Take care and best wishes to you.

I find it comforting to hear other stories of people going through the same thing or have, even though they may not have worked out. I think what it all comes down to is how much you want to be with someone, and if you're willing to stick with them even though they may not be available to you 24/7. I think my biggest problem is i crave attention and especially want it from my bf, who does a pretty good job of spoiling me to begin with. Things aren't impossible for us, and we're both here for eachother.

Cordell, things will work out in the end. Just make sure you're happy...you need to come first.

I have read all your replies, thank you. This is a very tough situation. And I totally feel that way - doing all the little things for him (like he needed bodywash and deoderant and didn't have time to get them so I got them for him) and I always think of him to make him smile and I get nothing in return so then the resentement starts and I end up hurting him when that is the last thing I want to do. I am so confused. You all are right. This is something I have to figure out. I think it is especially hard for me because I'm going through a divorce and I'm trying my hardest not to get hurt again or make the same mistakes. And likewise for him. Maybe I'm too sensitive. I just don't know. I tend to overanalyze things a LOT. I mean I was just at his place Monday night and he still has a picture of us framed and the Valentine's day card propped up next to it. He still says "I love you" but I am just not convinced that he is. Especially through his actions.

I guess I think 6 months is a long time because in the 2 years I've been separated from my ex-husband, this is the longest relationship I have been in and the only one where I have truly allowed myself to love again.

So this is the update. He replied back to the email I sent yesterday. It was short and quick with a couple of "xoxo" s at the bottom. I'm going to give this time. I will call him later to talk about how his day was...nothing deep. Keeping it light. I guess I'm just hoping that he will miss me and want to see me if I keep things light and sweet without any emotional issues.

I think you're going about this the right way, whatever feels most comfortable for you. Please keep us posted, i'd love to hear how things are going for you.

Thank you. I've talked to my best friend about it and he told me not to email my BF back. Give him his space. It's hard for me but I think it is best. I'll wait until tomorrow and then I'll give him a call and see what happens. We are supposed to go to Australia in late April together. All of this is so up in the air now that I don't know what is going to happen. March is also his bday. It will be a crucial month for us. But again, I think if he gives me the chance to keep it light, that is exactly what I'll do and keep all these heavy emotions of mine to the side.

I agree with kellbell strongly.

I am at a place in my life where my boyfriend and I only see each other 1-2 times a week. And I'm fine with it. It's really the all the both of us have time for. Maybe further along in the relationship, 1-2 times a week just won't cut it.

I think you need to listen to your needs and how he makes you feel. Do you feel loved? Secure? Maybe you would be better off with someone who has more time to devote to you? Or are you ok with sticking things out for now?

good luck with your decision.

I think I'm ok with sticking things out for now. Maybe this is good for me because I tend to be too emotional and perhaps this will calm me down. He has told me in the past that he is studying to better our future. I think he gets scared when he tells me these things. We both have pushed eachother's buttons this past month and I think we are both thinking "is this person right for me" In the beginning of our relationship we were still seeing eachother 1-3 times a week and I was fine because I felt secure. But now I'm insecure because we have had the "we need a break" talks and my security blanket is gone and I guess I want to stick it out to get that blanket back. Can anyone really get it back?

You can get it back when you BOTH work on it together. If one person is putting more effort than the other, it is not going to work. You both have to want it together. Just take things one day at a time and maybe get involved in other things in the meantime.

(((hugs)))

cordell -

One of the funny things about us guys is that when we feel we can't give a women what she wants or needs, we tend to pull back. It isn't that we don't love or that we want out, but if we don't feel like we are able to make our woman happy we don't have a clue how to act or what to do and we kind of give up inside. We are like puppies, we want to please.

Could it be that you've asked for more than he can give at this point? If you have, he probably doesn't want to lose you but he's feeling helpless and hopeless and doesn't know what to do. We like to fix things and if we love something but it appears unfixable, we stick it in the basement or garage and hope someday we will be able to fix it. We hardly ever ask for help. Maybe he's stuck you in the basement hoping a way to pull it together will come in the future.

Ask him if he feels like you want more than he can give and if he says yes, ask him if he's pulling back because of it.

Ok..so maybe I'm an idiot. I text messaged him (since I haven't been in contact with him since yesterday morning) with : Hi Babydoll, how is your day? Mine has been busy putting exciting expeditions up on the web.

his response: Really busy too...off to a meeting

my response: cool talk 2 ya later 2 catch up.

I am driving myself crazy over-analyzing. Does his message mean anything, or do you think he is just really busy? should I call later to catch up since he did email me back to ask what was up. Goodness I'm a mess.

ratherbesailing - you are so right. And I know that is exactly what he is doing. But how do I let him know that he is enough without talking about this again. I feel that is all we do...talk about this and I think it makes it worse. I know that it is by my actions that will tell him that he is enough. He just needs to give me a chance...but maybe my chances have ran out. Who knows. Now I'm feeling sorry I told him my life revolves around his schedule. But it was how I was feeling. My emotions got the better of me and I couldn't hold that in.

Chill out for a few days. Go to the gym, go out with your girlfriends, find a good book to read. Just give him a bit of space. Let your life revolve around your schedule again

He is busy...you said yourself you were busy today and he said he was too. The fact he even texted you to tell you he is busy and he will talk to you later is promising. It shows effort. Did you want him to text you a novel? He was checking in to put your mind at ease. I think you may be over-teching things a bit. It's ok...take a deep breath and try to relax. I know it can be hard but you are going to end up driving yourself nuts.

(((hugs)))

ok...sorry everyone...I'm going to chill out a couple of days. I will let ya'll know what happens. I just need to take a deep breath and relax. You are right. I'm totally out of my mind right now. Thanks for the advice!

Cordell -

I doubt you've used up your chances or he'd be gone already. Three things:

1) Make sure he contacts you twice for every time you contact him in the next week, then settle back to no more than 50/50.

2) Next time you talk just let him know you've been a little needy lately but that you understand how he feels and you are okay with things the way they are. Tell him he makes you happy.

3) Act happy and confident. If you act this way he'll see a future with you and the next thing you know you will be happy and confident.

ratherbesailing - thank you so much for your advice. I will definitely stick to it and let you know how it's going. Funny, I know that in the beginning I was confident and happy and it drew him to me. I just need to do that again and things will be good.

Thanks again!! Though I will admit doing #1 is going to be really hard because that is where I'm insecure in thinking he won't ever contact me twice to my one. I fear that he'll just give up. I hope that is not the case and if it is, then he wasn't meant to be mine and I deserve a little more than that.

Thanks again!!!!

cordell -

I think he's the one that's going to be a little worried when he's not hearing from you as often and that's what you want. How about doing number 1 until Sunday?

I only know this works because every once in a while my girlfriend won't call me for a while, just testing to make sure I'm paying attention. I really take notice when she hasn't called when she normally would and it stops me from taking things for granted.

You'll see. It works pretty fast.

Well, as an update he texted me twice yesterday and then I called him before bed. Our conversation was very nonchalant and I acted happy and confident and as though things in my life were great. He started talking about work and how he has been busy and I said that I understood and hope things get better for him. I ended the conversation but for the first time no "I love you's" were said at the end of the conversation. I think I'm OK with that since right now I'm confused too and not entirely sure I really do love him. Does that make sense? Anyway, I'm not contacting him today and I'm going to try my hardest not to think about it.

Thanks for listening to me vent. I'm so glad I found this forum!

Thank you, Karchino!! I wish you luck as well with your situation. And you are right. If it is meant to be, then it will happen. If it's not, at least I tried.